Before Banana Patch
by Michael David


EXCERPT

My Religious Regurgitation....

I find it somewhat difficult to talk of my religious upbringing without being emotionally attached, without becoming... angry. My problem was never with God, with Christ. My problem was with Christianity. My problem was to be found in those who defined God for me, for us; who interpreted God’s Will (for the sake of "we", the uninformed masses) and then superimposed that interpretation upon us as though it were the "gospel truth."

There came a time in my religious nurturing when I would have taken Christ in the classroom, Christ in the Church, Christ anywhere and anytime, but not Christianity. Christianity had become just another "power struggle" for religious "one-up-man-ship"; one denomination after another attempting to "one-up" the other.

All of this religious posturing was based, of course, on the Bible – all of it "etched in stone from time immemorial," each denomination guarding their sacred idolatries and mendacious beliefs with a "killer’s eye." How convenient. If one held a different point of view from these religious power brokers one was, at the very least, "verbally crucified" for doing so.

Reason had taught me, at an early age, that "organized Christianity" had very little to do with Love, Truth, Peace, Harmony, Salvation, Forgiveness, and Tolerance for others. It had everything to do, however, with fear, retribution, superstition, ego, power, control and... money. The real truth was to be found in the practice of their Golden Rule, that is: "those who had the gold, ruled."

It was the intolerance, the "close-minded-ness," the hypocrisy, the double-standards, the intimidation associated with my religious training which made me want to puke when I thought of it; which made it difficult for me to demonstrate a rational sense of objectivity when I talked about it.

I had given witness to enough dogmatic, angry-audible, fire and brimstone preaching, arm-waving, Bible-thumping evangelists in my early youth to last any young man several lifetimes. So if I sound a little pissed off, preachy and in your face about my religious insurrection... so be it. Holy shit.

Before my father had changed careers to become a salesman, he had bought a dry-cleaning business in the heart of College Place, Washington, the "cradle" of the Adventist faith, the "bedroom" of my parents’ religiosity. Among the many practices (held by the only religion to which I had been exposed) that I came to find bitterly unpalatable was the issue and practice of "Sabbath."

It came to make absolutely no sense to me to put aside only one very particular day for God (no matter what day you put aside for worship), and then lay claim that if you failed to honor that day, you would never enter the Gates of Eden, that you were doomed to burn in hell forever. Isn’t that a wonderful and comforting thought perpetuated by the church.

It wasn’t until my early years in high school that I used to think to myself: "pity and woe to all those poor, misguided, spiritual bastards who had chosen another day to fellowship, for their’s was the kingdom of hell." At least that was the theology of this particular denomination. Let me tell more about it in a couple stories I remember from my past.

Soon after my father became the owner of the College Place Dry Cleaners, my parents befriended a pillar of the Adventist Church and Walla Walla College Community, Dr. Timothy Killinger and his family. Dr. Killinger was an Associate Professor of Theology, a very popular one at that, with a reputation of being a rather serious, stern and devout Adventist, at least that was the common perception.

The Killinger family lived in the affluent part of College Place, Washington (naturally) and they had a son my age, Bobby. We were often invited to join them for dinner or for just an afternoon of polite conversation as Bobby and I would play as kids do. I liked it when we went to their house since Bobby had scores of new toys with which to play, a symbol of his family’s affluence.

One of the things Bobby and I would do on occasion was to hide around the corner, just off their living room, and eavesdrop on some of their conversations. We didn’t always understand what they were saying, but still we had fun. One thing’s for sure: my eavesdropping taught me a lot about some of the religious attitudes and practices of this denomination.

Bobby once told me he heard his dad talking to another Professor one day telling him that: "Even though many Adventists don’t observe ‘sundown’ the way they should, it’s still nice to get off early from work on Friday afternoons so we can all enjoy a three day week end. So far as I know, no other religion enjoys this kind of 3-day luxury," Professor Killinger was often heard saying to those whom he trusted wouldn’t tell the other powers that be in his Church. Funny thing was, the powers that be seemed to cow-tow to this horse’s ass.

So one day we’re listening to a conversation going on between my parents and Bobby’s:

"Lloyd," Dr. Killinger asked my Dad. "Do you tithe?"

"No, never really heard about it. We’re not that familiar with all of the teachings of the church yet. When we moved here from South Dakota, we had only gone to the Adventist Church maybe three of four times. What is tithing?"

"It’s one of the big things of the Adventist Church. If you’re going to be a member, you’ve got to tithe, that’s all there is to it," Dr. Killinger said as if he were an authority.

"Tithing is when you give 10% of your income to the church," Dr. Killinger went on. "But the really great thing about tithing your 10 % is that you will receive far more than the 10% you give." Then he got out his Bible and went to a scripture somewhere and read it to my parents.

"Isn’t that great, Lloyd?" Dr. Killinger continued. "We have the promise of the Bible that if we give our 10% we will receive back many-fold what we gave in the first place. Good, faithful Adventists know this to be true. If you want to do business here in our community and become part of us, tithing to the church is a must."

I was getting into this conversation so deeply that I forgot I was eavesdropping, went into the living room and belted out, "But Dad, I thought you have always taught me it is ‘better to give than to receive;’ that when we give to others we should ‘do so without expecting anything in return.’"

"Michael," my mother said angrily, "You go play with Bobby. It’s not polite to listen in on other people conversations."

"But, Mom, that is what you’ve always taught me."

"Do as I say and not as I do," my father shot back. "You and Bobby go play right now or I’m going to spank you with the belt." I got out of their faster than you could say ‘tithing.’

"It sounds like your son could use some discipline," I heard Dr. Killinger telling my parents as I left the room. "You know what the Bible says: ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child.’ We Adventists believe strongly in that one." I later discovered that to 'spare the rod and spoil the child’ was simply the Church’s excuse and justification for promoting ‘child abuse.’

And that was the first time I remember running into that saying: "Do as I say and not as I do." I would hear it over and over again, not just from my parents, but from so many of the church elders, even from my society, that eventually I saw clearly enough through this veil of hypocrisy to realize that it’s the deeds of people that really counts in this life, not... words.

So you might say: No big deal. You’re making a ‘mountain out of a molehill.’ Lots of churches in our society believe in ‘Do as I say and not as I do.’ After all, ‘we’re only human.’ So there’s hypocrisy, so what? It’s part of what we do in this country. Don’t sinners and hypocrites have the right to go to church?

And I say, sure they do, just don’t be hypocritical about it. But you say: You shouldn’t judge a religion on how its parishioners act. And I say: How else can one judge the merits of a religion if not by the manner in which its parishioners treat one another in the church as well as how they treat those who lie ‘outside’ the ‘faith.’

Yeah, I liked Bobby alright, but I couldn’t stand Dr. Killinger. I would hear him saying things like, "The only true day to Worship God is on Saturday. That’s why there’s the Adventist religion. ‘Many are called but few are chosen.’ We Adventists are the ‘chosen ones.’ I feel sorry for all those ‘Sunday’ worshipers who chose another day. I’m afraid they’re going to ‘burn in Hades’ just like the Bible says. They will never see the kingdom of Heaven." Believe me, Dr. Killinger wasn’t the only person who held this belief.

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