Found and Lost

  Every year, millions of people go missing.

  Sometimes, something finds them.

  I awoke to the sound of Lily crying through the baby monitor, just like every morning for the past year. I felt Evie slap my shoulder.

  “It’s your turn,” she mumbled from behind me.

  I grunt in response, “I have to be up for work soon, can’t you get her again?”

  I waited and listened. I heard a huff from behind me and felt her get up, followed by the padding of bare feet on wood as she leaves the bedroom. I lay in bed listening to Lily’s cries until I heard Evie whispering to her and calming her, when I knew the situation was handled, I turned down the baby monitor and drifted back to sleep.

  I woke up around an hour later. Still tired, it seems like no matter how much I sleep all I can feel is tired and empty. I drag myself from the comfort of my bed and started my day. I showered, shaved, brushed my teeth, and finally got dressed. I headed downstairs to the kitchen, I gave Lily a kiss on the head as she babbled to me. I looked over at Evie cooking breakfast, eggs and hashbrowns. Again.

  “Mornin’ hon,” I said as I slid into my chair and checked the newspaper. Still looks like shit out there. The recession is still hitting hard and the president is flailing to assure us that we’ll get out of this a stronger and better country, doubtful.

  Evie glances over her shoulder at me, “Derrick.”

  I look over at her, “what is with the tone?” I ask, the moment the words leave my mouth I know they were the wrong words. Before I can backtrack she turns fully towards me and glares at me.

  “My tone?" She asks, hands on her hips. “My tone is because I’ve been awake taking care of the baby, making breakfast, and you stroll down here, plop down and wait for me to serve you.”

  I bite back, “I am not ‘waiting for you to serve me,’ I am just getting ready for the day. You don’t like me trying to help you cook, I am always in the way, what do you want from me?”

  She throws her hands up, “how about the trash? It’s been stinking up our home, I told you to take it out two days ago and it still hasn’t gotten done! Nothing gets done around here without me doing it!”

  I felt a flush of embarrassment, “I’ve been busy, y’know, making sure we can afford this home, our food, diapers? God forbid I forget about the trash! If it was that big a problem couldn’t you just do it?” I know the words are weak as I say them, but something in me stops me from simply rolling over and apologizing.

  There’s a beat of silence, I know I should apologize, “Evie, I’m-” but it’s cut off before I can even really start.

  She raises her hand and turns away, “It’s fine, I’m over it. Just take out the trash before you leave.” I watch her resume cooking, feeling the unresolved argument hanging in the air, but I swallow any words left, why start it up again?

  Breakfast is a mechanical, tense affair. The food tastes bitter in my mouth. I glance up at Evie, a small smile on her face as she feeds Lily. I feel myself smile at the sight, but then Evie glances at me and her smile falls. I look away, the sting dropping my own smile and forming a knot in my stomach.

  As I finished up, I got up and planted a kiss on Lily’s head with a muttered, “love you,” then I looked to Evie, “alright, I’m headed out. Call me if you need me to grab anything on the way home,” I hesitated before adding, “I love you.” I do love her, but it feels mocking after this morning.

  After a moment that stretches just slightly too long, she looks me in the eyes and says, “I will. I love you too.” My throat tightened for a moment at the pause, I gave her a half-hearted smile and then headed out.

  The drive to work is the same as it is every day, nearly an hour of traffic and dealing with assholes. I pull up to work, Simple Living Insurance, I look at the squat brick and mortar building, take a breath in and out, then head in.

  “How’s it going Derrick?” one of my coworkers asks as I head in the back. James. Jim? Doesn’t matter.

  I put on a smile, “Going good man, have a good weekend?” Apparently, this was the wrong question since I got trapped in a conversation about the Buckeyes for fifteen minutes. Time I could have been sitting at my desk staring at my computer.

  Eventually I'm freed from being talked at when the floor manager, Helen, shoots us a look. Jim or James gives me a “goodbye,” and I head to my desk to look busy.

  As I’m looking over one of our client’s documents, I feel someone behind me. I look over my shoulder and see Helen hovering over me.

  “So, making progress on the Elmwood’s papers?” she asks me with a tone that tells me what she thinks the answer will be before I give it.

  I give her a nod and smile, “sure am, Helen.” I say with as much ass-kissing as I can verbally impart.

  She gives me a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, “oh? Really? Because yesterday I checked and you were falling behind. It makes me wonder where your head is at when you seem to make time to talk with Jared-” damn, I was close I guess, “-about basketball, when you have so much to catch up on.” She finishes, staring at me expectantly.

  I swallow the ball of fire in my chest and say, “you’re right, I’m sorry. I can stay late to get this all cleared up.” I almost lose my cool at her smug, superior smile.

  “Good, I expect the best from every member of the Simple Living family, Derrick.” And with her judgement passed she returns to her desk. I feel my grip tighten on my chair, I take a breath in and out, then get back to work.

  A few hours later and I head to the break room to grab something from the vending machine. I sit in the lounge as coworkers chat, I see Jared talking with some people, then I see him look at me. I get up and decide to eat at my desk before he tries to pull me into another conversation.

  As I walk back to my desk something feels off. I see a door cracked open slightly, I glance in and see an empty break room, like the other one but... quieter, with a nice sofa and soft lighting. I stare at it, I could've sworn this was a janitor’s closet. Before I can make a move I hear a throat being cleared behind me.

  “Derrick, were you planning on eating in the halls? Or back at your desk to catch up?” I turn, Helen is watching from the end of the hall unimpressed.

  I rub my eyes and look back at the door, I see a mop, bucket, cleaning supplies. Yup, just a janitor’s closet. I must be more tired than I thought. “Uh, yeah. Sorry, just thought I saw something,” I reply as I start the trek back to my desk before I can be criticized more.

  Eventually I finish up and clock out at 6:30. An hour late but what does that change really? As I start the drive home Evie calls me.

  I hear the tiredness in her voice, “Derrick? Could you stop at the store on the way home? Lily needs more diapers.”

  I reply putting all the energy I can spare into it, “of course, I’ll swing by on the way home.” Evie thanked me and I hung up and made my detour. The parking lot is half full, but I thankfully found a good spot. Nice.

  I headed into the store, I did some searching around but eventually found the diapers, in the family living section by the back. As I search for the right size I feel a breeze on the back of my neck, I turn and see a section I must have missed, mattresses. There is one in the middle, it’s large and looks divine. Maybe I could lie down? For just a minute. Before I can be tempted further to try it out, I get a message, it’s from Evie.

  I flip open my phone, “r u almst done?” it reads. I text back a “yes” and head to the front to check out. Sparing one last glance at the mattress. I felt more tired than I did before.

  I loaded up the car and started the drive back home. The roads are still busy, much less so now, thankfully. As I drive home I inch my way across the roads when I see a side street. I feel a knot in my stomach as I look at it, it’s perfect. Smooth, empty, nice bright streetlight... but the thought of taking that exit makes my hair stand on end and I don’t know why. Only later as I pull up to my home does my sleep-deprived brain realize what was wrong, that road wasn’t there this morning.

  I head inside my home, Evie is playing with Lily on the floor. Evie’s brown hair is in a loose bun, she looks tired. They both look to me when I come in. I decide to just forget about that weird road, maybe I’m wrong. Regardless, I don’t need to be worried about it, I am home now.

  Evie points to me and says, “Daddy’s home, say ‘hello daddy!’” to Lily, who grasps at me and babbles. I feel a tired, but genuine smile pull at my face. I sit on the couch next to them and scoop Lily into my arms, bouncing her on my lap. Evie gets up and takes the diapers I bought into Lily’s room.

  I play with Lily for a while. I’m so tired. Evie comes back into the room and sits down in the recliner across from me, grabbing her book from the coffee table. For a few moments we are the picture of domestic bliss. Then Lily starts to cry.

  I lift her and sniff her diaper, “Ugh, someone needs a change.” I hold Lily out to Evie, who looks at me with confusion, then a hint of anger.

  “Seriously, Derrick? I’ve been taking care of her all day, can’t you handle this one? I have been trying to read this book for months now.” She asks, not able to hide the venom in her voice.

  I shoot back, “I’ve been working all day, I just-” she cuts me off.

  "And I haven’t? What do you think I do all day?” she asks, her voice sharp. I feel myself flush.

  “I didn’t mean it like that, you know I didn’t,” I reply weakly. We stare at each other a moment. We could keep arguing, but why? Why do I do this? I look away, then take Lily to her room to change her. I glance over my shoulder as I carry her out of the living room. I see Evie put her book down and run a hand over her face.

  The night crawls, eventually Lily manages to fall asleep. I lay her in her crib and head to bed. Evie is sitting in bed, still reading her book. I slide in next to her and roll over to sleep, “night, Evie. Love you.”

  After a beat she speaks up, “Derrick, what is going on?” her voice is quiet, almost cautious.

  I sit up and turn to her, “What do you mean?” I know what she’s going to say, but does she need to talk about this now?

  I look at her, I see the pain on her face. I feel terrible. “It’s just... you’re like a ghost, you’re barely here and when you are, you aren’t really here. Are you okay? Do you need a doctor... are you feeling depressed again?” after a pause she adds, “...is it me? Do you actually still love me?”

  I grab her hands, “I do! I love you and Lily so much, without you... I couldn’t keep going, you both are my life.”

  Her voice cracks, “That’s part of the problem Derrick, you should want to live for you too, you just seem... lost. How can you be here for us if you won’t even be here for you?”

  I let go of her and pull away, “What does it matter? I need to take care of you both, I can take care of myself later.”

  She grabs at the comforter, “No! You can’t, can’t you see how much you’ve been slipping?”

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  I get out of the bed in just boxers and a t-shirt, grab my pillow and a blanket and start to head out. I can’t deal with this right now.

  Evie calls out, “wha- where are you going? We were having a conversation, come back!”

  I turn to her, “I have to work tomorrow, I can’t be up all night discussing this. I’m staying in the guest room tonight.” I see her start to tear up, so I turn away.

  “Derrick, please... I’m worried about you.” she chokes out.

  I head out of the room into the hall, I hear her quiet, muffled sobs from the bedroom. God, I’m such a piece of shit. She’d be better without me, maybe she’d get someone who could take care of her.

  I head to the guest room, the door seems... different. As I approach the sobs from the other room feel distant. I grab the doorknob, it feels warm. Comforting. I open the door and head in, I collapse on the bed. It feels so much nicer than my own, the room is so quiet. Peaceful. Before I know it, I’m asleep.

  I wake up well rested, better rested than I have in a while. I feel a spike of panic, I check my phone 8:45am. Shit! I’m used to getting woken up by Lily, and I forgot to set my alarm with the... discussion last night. I head out of the guest room to head back to the master bedroom to get dressed and ready, but when I get out of the room I feel something wrong. Or, I hear something wrong. Nothing. Absolute silence.

  “Evie...?” I call out hesitantly, but my voice is eaten by the walls. I listen. It is so quiet I hear the blood flow through my ears, I don’t hear the hum of electricity, the flow of the AC. No birds. No cars. No Lily or Evie.

  I panic when I get no response. I head to the stairs, faster than necessary, “Evie? Evelyn!” My words seem to go no further than my ears, I get no response. I run down the stairs, skipping them two at a time, my footsteps sound muted.

  I jump the last step, the dull and muted wump of my feet hitting the ground barely audible. I run into the kitchen and find it empty, my eyes scan the room but come to a stop when they see something missing. The back door. Where the door should be is just a blank expanse of wallpaper. I whirl around to the living room, and my stomach drops from out of me. The front door has suffered the same fate.

  I run to a window and pull back the curtains and see it.

  Darkness. Real, true, absolute darkness. I can’t see how far out it goes, if it even does. Staring into the absolute void causes a physical reaction. The last time I felt fear like this I was a child, I had been attacked by a neighbors dog, I thought I was going to die. But no, this was worse, I didn’t think what was out there was going to kill me. I knew it.

  I wandered around my home, or whatever this place was. I went to our bedroom, it looked like no one had been in there. The bed was made and the sheets pressed. I opened my closet to change, all there was in there were my work clothes. Was this place mocking me? I changed into pressed khakis and threw a button-up over my t-shirt. The clothes felt stiff, uncomfortable. Like new clothes.

  I sit in my bedroom a while, thinking. What do I do? Where is Evie? Lily? Is this even my house? I hear a creak. It’s not loud, but in this place of... silence... it’s like a gunshot. I stand up from where I had been perched at the edge of the bed, and creep towards the closed door.

  I press my ear to the door and listen. Breathing. How can I hear breathing through a door, I can’t even hear my own breathing. My hand moves to the doorknob, but pauses. I feel a certainty that I won’t like what I see on the other side. I know it is waiting for me to open the door. I know it’s right there.

  I stand there, unmoving. Which of us will make the first move? Should I open the door, that would give me the element of surprise, right? But... what if it’s waiting for that? Why doesn’t it open the door on it’s own? Is it toying with me? Does it not know I am in here? No. It knows, I know that it knows.

  I don’t know how long I stand there holding that door, looping in thoughts. Open it? Don’t open it? Over and over, indecision pressing on me like a physical weight. The whole time I hear the gentle inhalation, exhalation of... it.

  I make a decision, I grab my alarm clock from the bedside table to give me some kind of protection. I grab the handle, psych myself up and rip open the door.

  Nothing. All I see across from me is the opposite side of the hall, but then I turn my head to the side. Before when I looked to my right I would see the stairs, about fifteen feet away. Now, I just see more hallway. Hallway extending so far I can’t see an end. I look to my left and see the same.

  “What...?” I ask, words dying as they leave my lips. Suddenly the plastic alarm clock in my hand feels stupid. I drop my cocked arm, sparing a glance at my ‘weapon’ what was I thinking? How do I fight against... whatever this is? I drop the clock to the floor, with a muted clunk of plastic on wood.

  For a while I sit in the doorway, looking into the dark on either side of me. What do I do? I think, and think, and think. I check my phone’s clock to see how long I’ve been stuck here. 5:33 AM. What? My hair stands on end. How is it earlier than it was when I woke up? I know I haven’t been here for a whole day, or at least I am pretty sure. I make a decision.

  I get up, palms sweaty and legs heavy. I swallow the lump in my throat and start walking down the right path. Better than waiting here, I need to get home. To my real home.

  I start the trek, I glance over my shoulder back to the only piece of familiarity left in this place. Gone. The door is gone, just more of the ever-present wall. Of course it’s gone, why would this place let me have even a shred of comfort?

  I walk for what seems like hours, the only sign of progress being me passing the light on the wall, only to come up on one that looks exactly the same moments later. Eventually I see the end of the lights, they just... stop. I come to the last light and look out. The light dies off after about 20 feet, falling off into darkness. I stand at the end of what I can see, once I go further I know I’ll lose even what little ‘safety’ the light provides.

  I flip my phone open and turn on the flashlight, it barely illuminates in front of me, but it is better than the darkness. I head into the unknown. For a while it goes fine, well, as fine as this situation can be. Suddenly, I feel watched. Like when I was a kid, turning off the basement light and scrabbling up the stairs from some unseen monster. That sudden vulnerability, I realize how visible my light makes me in the dark. I can’t see whatever it is that sees me. I whip around, the pulse in my ears beating harder, louder. I hold my phone in front of me like a shield against the dark. As if it could protect me from whatever is watching.

  Then I hear wood scraping against wood, something is coming from the dark.

  I turn and run.

  I haven’t run in years, but I run faster now than I did even when I was in shape. My feet pound against the floor with dull and muted thump, thump, thumps, mirroring the pounding of my heart in my ears. The horrible scraping from behind me sounds horrifically clear in comparison, like it wants me to hear it.

  Suddenly I see a branching corridor in the hall, I dart down it, it splits further. I continue running blindly, left here, right there, another right, a left. I lose track of the paths I take. The scraping behind me grows louder at times, and quieter, but I never lose it. Always just further in the dark behind me than I can see.

  I glance back over my shoulder just as I take another turn, I catch a glimpse of something, it almost looked like... me? But I don’t have time to think, my foot falls farther than it should. I let out a startled gasp and rip my head forward, stairs. I fall down the stairs, hard corners against bone. I feel pain in my back, my arms, a WHACK across my head leaves me reeling, I try to catch myself and I feel more than hear the breaking of my wrist.

  I wake up at the bottom of the stairs. I feel confused. For a moment I think I am at home, then I remember where I am. I try to sit up, pressing my hands into the floor. A stabbing pain runs up my arm and I collapse back to the floor, my left hand throbs. I let out a gasp, and then the awareness of my body creeps in.

  My back hurts, arms and legs covered in sore spots, aching. I use my good hand to push myself up then lean up against the wall. I spot my phone a few feet away, flashlight still on. I listen, but do not hear my pursuer. The thing wearing my face. I let myself recuperate for a moment, then get up and grab my phone.

  I look around at where I’ve ended up. Gone are the corridors and halls, instead it’s open. Too open. I look around, an endless horizon of wood paneling disappearing into the dark. I don’t even know if there is a ceiling above, it’s too far to be illuminated by my light. I turn to where I came from, the stairs seem to descend from the void above, unsupported.

  So I do the only thing I can. I walk.

  I don't know when it happened, but at some point the hardwood transitioned to a road, grass on either side. The dark empty void above slowly changes too, I see a moon above.

  Well, a sort of moon. I see a crescent hanging high above, pure white, no texture, no details. And stars, five pointed and barely glowing, they remind me of the glow in the dark star stickers on the ceiling of Lily's room.

  I stop in my tracks. Lily. Oh God, is she somewhere in here too? Did the house swallow her too? Is she crying in a crib alone in the dark? Or worse… is something with her?

  I speed up, jogging. I don't know where I'm heading or what to, but knowing Lily or Evie could be lost somewhere here with me makes walking feel wrong.

  As I jog down the middle of the street, slowly houses come into view. They look like someone described what a house was to someone who'd never seen one before. Rectangular, with a roof, a door centered, and a window on each side. The curtains are drawn. One house on each side of the road with a small sidewalk leading to the door.

  I walk up the nearest path to a ‘house’ and go for the door. It's flat. Like a sticker stuck on the side of a toy. The door and wall feel… weird. I'd never felt anything like it before, flat and cold like plastic. Perfectly smooth. I look around, what the hell is this? I feel rising panic, what the HELL IS THIS?! I lean against the ‘door’ and slide to the floor. I have to catch my breath.

  I'm never getting out…

  No. I will. I need to. I stand up, body still aching from the fall earlier.

  The oddness of the houses makes what I see next stand out just that much more. My house. I run up to it, it's my house exactly as I remember it, the mailbox out front has our house number on it, 818, the second ‘8’ hanging off. I've been meaning to fix it, but I just… haven't.

  I hear laughter, voices. I run up to my house and try the door, it doesn't budge. Like it were welded shut. I pound on it with my good hand, the sound is barely audible.

  I move to the front window, the curtain is pulled back. Inside I see Evie, holding Lily.

  “Evie! Open the door! Please!” I shout, the sound not even making it past my lips. I smack the glass, but I might as well be smacking steel. I stare in at my family.

  Evie is smiling, Lily is laughing, I feel warmth in my chest just seeing them. Tears spring to my eyes, whether they're relief or desperation, not even I know.

  Until I see him. It looks like me but… happy. Put together, hair styled, posture straight, bright and engaged. He walks up to Evie, they share a kiss, more intimate than we've shared in… I don't know how long.

  I grit my teeth and my efforts to be heard double, “that's not me! Evie! Evelyn, please!”

  I watch it take Lily and toss her in the air and catch her, I hear her giggles as he handles her, kisses her. Kisses my daughter. Loves my wife. I want to look away, but I can't bear to.

  They exchange words, then I watch Evie and Lily head upstairs, out of sight. The imposter turns and looks at me.

  It stares into my eyes, the same smile on its face. Not cruel, not mocking… content. It walks to the window, and closes the blinds.

  I stand staring at the blinds.

  I quit.

  I fall to my knees, head resting on the side of my house. My phone slips from my hand, clattering uselessly against the grass. I don't need the protection anymore. I don't want it.

  Is… is that what's happening out there? Was I replaced the moment I entered the guest room?

  …

  Are they better without me?

  I can see the world around me darken. What does it matter? I pay it no mind. Even as the grass beneath me withers away and is replaced by black liquid I feel nothing.

  Next the house withers away, until I am in a black void. The only thing around as far as the eye can see is the knee deep black water. Total silence, the only light available being from the fake moon and stars.

  I hear a rumbling. I look up, the water ahead of me vibrates violently. Something is coming, but I just can't muster the energy to run. Or fight.

  I watch it slowly dredge from the depths, first the top of the head, then torso. Bodies. Thousands. No, millions of bodies. They flow and fuse like clay pressed together, mouths turned upwards in smiles, eyes half lidded. They moan and gasp, not in pain… but in pleasure. When it reaches the peak of it's height it reaches farther than anything I'd ever seen.

  I should be scared. I should flee. But mostly I feel… relief.

  It's over.

  I can't beat this. Why should I try to?

  The gasps and moans stop, and as one, it speaks.

  “WE ARE THE LOST. YOU ARE LOST. AND WE HAVE FOUND YOU.”

  I feel the words rattle my skeleton, the water vibrates at the power of this being. Of this… god. A god for the lost.

  “YOU ARE UNLOVED BY THE WORLD. BUT WE LOVE YOU, DERRICK. WE GRANT TOGETHERNESS, PEACE, ANNIHILATION OF SUFFERING.”

  I feel tears run down my cheeks, even as a weight is lifted from me. I don't need to suffer anymore. No one to let down. No one to fail. I don't need to try and fuck up again, and again, and again.

  My eyes raise skyward and I see those stars. Lily’s stars.

  No.

  I can't quit. I want… I want to watch her grow up.

  Even as I think that The Lost shifts, it moves above me, blocking out the stars. It wants me to quit.

  As if trying to make its declaration into my reality, it speaks.

  “SHE WILL BE BETTER WITHOUT YOU. YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.”

  Maybe she will be… but I want to be there. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I can't bear the thought of never seeing her again. I want to hear her first words, see her first steps. I want to take her to her first day of school.

  And Evie… I want to be better. I want to be the one who she turns to. I want to be the one she smiles at again.

  The water churns, angrily, it speaks again. Sharper.

  “NO. IT IS FAR TOO LATE. WE WILL GRANT PLEASURES AND LOVE BEYOND ANYTHING.”

  I notice the voice sounds less loving, more demanding. Angry I doubted it.

  I start to stand, when it lunges forward. The simple movement from it sends water rushing, the air churns like a hurricane, and I fall back. Instead of feeling the relief I felt earlier from it, or the suspicion, now I feel fear.

  I raise my arm, as if I could stave off a tidal wave. But I do it anyways. My eyes screw shut as I brace for the end.

  I suddenly realize. I want to live.

  I hear a low growling, like the very earth was poised to attack, yet no attack comes. I open my eyes and drop my arm, the thing leans over me, as if about to attack. But it doesn't. Why?

  I stand again, and it lunges like before. I startle, but don't fall. I see how it stops suddenly, like a leashed dog.

  “THIS RESISTANCE IS POINTLESS. YOU CAME TO US, YOU CRAVE THE PEACE WE BRING.”

  It's voice sounds less… divine, more desperate. It holds a hint of the truth. I did accept it. I even found relief in the idea of surrender. But… I can't, not anymore. I want to live.

  I open my mouth, unsure of what to say. How do I formulate a response to this… thing… that explains what I feel?

  I settle for a simple answer. “No.”

  It freezes, the millions of rolling eyes, gnashing teeth, the constant writhing of the bodies pause. For a moment it seems the world itself stops.

  “NO…?”

  The air stands still, the water grows calm, as if existence holds its breath.

  I nod, more confidently, “No.”

  After another moment of stillness it begins to shake, anger unlike I have ever seen crossing every single face on it.

  “NO?”

  It asks, anger bleeding into the confusion.

  “NO! NO! NO!”

  Each exclamation is followed by it slamming it's titanic arms on the water around us.

  The roaring of this being doesn't look like a wrathful God to me. It reminds me of Lily when she doesn't want to go to bed, a tantrum.

  I start to back away and it attacks, every eye focuses on me. It swings one of it's arms directly at me, but I grit my teeth and watch it come down on me.

  The moment before contact the arm splits like water around a rock. I stand in a pocket, surrounded on all sides by it. Human arms reach out of the surface, grabbing for me, but stopping inches from touching me. The faces stare at me, angry beyond reason. Growling, biting at the air, staring at me with hate.

  I turn and walk, as I walk the arms pull away from me like I would burn them. The flesh parts like a curtain, until I break out back to the watery void. I see it staring down at me.

  “YOU-YOU ARE WEAK, YOU ARE FORGOTTEN. YOU ARE WORTHLESS!”

  Its words don't bother me anymore. I know what it is.

  A lie.

  I keep walking from it. It spews insults and insecurities at me as I walk, shadowing me. It calls me a failed father. A bad husband. Lazy. Purposeless. Directionless.

  Much of what it says is true. I have been a bad husband and father. I've been distant, unambitious, and coasting. But I know if I let it take me that's how I would end my life.

  I can stay with it and never suffer again, but also never change. Or I can keep going, and decide who I want to be.

  As I walk the water by my feet fades, turning to wood paneling. The void in front of me grows less infinite. I see in the distance a door. The door to the guest room. I hear a low, growl come from the being behind me.

  “WHEN YOU GIVE UP, WHEN YOU SURRENDER, WE WILL BE THERE. YOU WILL JOIN US. WE WILL BE WAITING…”

  I grab the doorknob, and twist. The moment the door opens everything shudders. The void is gone, and I find myself standing in the hallway of my home, as if I never left at all. Sound floods back to me, I hear the sound of the AC, the electricity in the walls… the muffled sobs of Evie from our room.

  I close the door and head back to the bedroom. I open the door, run to her, and grab her in a hug.

  “Evie… I'm sorry. I… I need help.” I manage to get out, and even this admission feels hard. But I know I need it.

  She holds me tighter.

  Months Later

  I put Lily in her high chair, and start up on pancakes. I put out Evie's coffee for her. I hear her make her way downstairs with a soft smile she slides up behind me.

  “Oooh, pancakes. Need any help?”

  I look over my shoulder at her, “Nah, I got it. Got you some coffee.” She plants a kiss on my cheek and goes to sit at the table, chatting to Lily as she sips from her mug.

  I finish up and set the table. Evie asks between bites, “So, plans for the day, love?”

  I think for a moment, “kinda busy today, actually. Have a job interview after work, then therapy later. Kind of a pain in the ass…”

  She gives me a look.

  “Evie, I know. I'll keep at it. Just… not used to it yet.”

  She smiles, “good. I'll get it cleaned up here.” She gets up and starts to collect dishes, “have a good day at work.”

  I nod to her and grab my stuff. As I head to the front door I look over and see a door that wasn't there before, cracked open just a little. I go to it, and close it. I'm used to the doors now, they show up everywhere. Promising peace. Promising an out.

  But I close them.

  END