“Your companion will be fully healed in a day and a half. When would you like to pick him up?” Nurse Woe proclaimed, in an almost mechanical kind of way. I raised a brow at her and said, “he can go whenever he wants. I won't be back.” I moved to leave, but Nurse Woe materialized right in front of me. “Sir, are you saying you’d like to unclaim your companion and send him to the PC?”
“Uhh, no, don’t do that.” I took a moment, thinking about all the times I sent a Pokémon to the “PC.” I was always curious what that really meant, as odd as it sounds, but decided that I’d tortured this guy enough. “Just kick him out when he’s all healed up.” I provided a faux smile as I stepped past her and out the door.
“Oh, roger that.” I heard Nurse Woe confirm, she kind of had a digital shutter there for a second, making her voice sound very woeful indeed.
Moving past the weirdness of the situation, I left to explore the town briefly. I caught a glimpse of Noc as I was leaving and noted the “cursed” debuff over his head. I chuckled softly before I said, “I don’t know if this place has a sense of humor or not, but you’ll probably need this.” I took the pixie wing costume out of my inventory, and tossed the dice sized item to Noc. He almost caught it, fumbled, then dropped it. As the door behind me shut, he must have picked it up and inspected it because I heard him say, “oh, mother-” but cut off as the door closed.
Exploring the town, I found what I was looking for, a place to sleep. I hoped to run into real people there, but my hopes were dashed as I arrived at the location. It was another Safety Inn, though Samual wasn’t there, this new NPC was relatively comparable. After a few brief words, the fellow explained that the rooms were free on the first floor, effectively meaning I was swindled last time. I filed that bit of information away for later, then was escorted to my room. I opened my last cherry coke, where it erupted all over my clothes. A part of me wanted to wallow in losing it, it was one of the few pieces of my life I still had. My real life, not this game.
It did get me thinking, so I spent a fair amount of time pondering over this whole world. This place, these things, the AIs, the absolutely unreal level of technological advancement. What could this place be? How could it be? What kinds of creatures would make such a thing? Why bother? Was it a stress test? Something created in a medium that would be understood by the relevant species? It made me question myself, but it also made me want to question my captors. As much as I wanted to despair in where I was and what was going on, a louder part of myself was angry. Angry about being taken away, angry about how close we were to the sweet life, angry about being away from Beth. I took time to miss her then, miss everything. I even missed her asshole of a dog, which, in turn, reminded me of when I lost my dog, which made me think of the whiskey I had in my inventory.
I brought it out and put it on the counter. It was just a single glass. I looked at it for a time, eventually deciding that I was just thirsty. I stared. I picked up the glass, smelled it for a moment. I let the harsh vapors drift into my nostrils until I could almost taste the bite.
I’m not tempted.
I stored it in my inventory before looking for the restroom.
I went to the relatively modern sink and began filling it. The size of the faucet was such that it would have been better suited to fill a bath, and the sink itself was surprisingly deep. Rather than putting my hands directly into the miniature waterfall, I decided to let the sink fill all the way. Once full, I reached my hands in to drink a handful of water. I drank three times like that when I had an idea. Cupping my hands together, I tried to store it. At first, I didn’t think it did anything, but when I checked, I had a “handful of water” in my inventory. I put my hands up to my mouth, thought of summoning it from my inventory, and the water appeared there exactly as my hands were when I stored it. To my chagrin, when I stored the water, my hands weren’t in the same position, so I lost about three quarters to my face and the floor. I cursed myself, changed the position of my hands, and began storing water. I tested it, and I was able to drink infinitely from my hands, so long as I cupped them the right way. I filled the sink several times, realized it couldn’t hurt any, and filled it several more times. I now understood why the sinks were so large.
After this, I figured to end the night on a good note. I laid down on the level 5 bed, shut my eyes and promptly passed out.
In the morning, I once again woke up nude. I took stock of a few things this time around, my body was showing some minor changes that I really wasn’t expecting. I’d been lifting weights for more than half my life, I knew the rate at which my body changed, and two days shouldn’t show anything. Hell, sometimes two months didn’t show any real change. My chest was fuller, my gut had shrunk a spell, and the scar from an old surgery was all but gone. Now that I thought on it, my joints hadn’t been aching at all, even the one that had been worked on.
I opened my inventory, and in the top right of my UI a red flashing urged me to mentally select it. It was where my achievements normally would be. When the window opened in my vision, it read:
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: ACHIEVEMENT REVIEW OVERDUE]
Time Elapsed: Excessive.
Patience: Nonexistent.
Penalty Incurred: 85% reduction in reward quantity.
Additional Consequence: All remaining achievement rewards will now be narrated by your Personal AI.
Rationale: Competitors who neglect their progress fail to respect the system. Competitors who fail to respect the system must be corrected. You have now been corrected.
Let this serve as a reminder, contender: your existence here is not privileged. It is permitted.
My eyes bulged at the words. I had just gotten up, so I should be groggy. Instead, I had to take a moment to realize what happened and why. It was bullshit!
I thought to say as much but refrained. My thoughts last night had me pondering this predicament, and the truth was, everything was unknown. The AI obviously had some idea of human culture, but it was just emulating. It wasn’t human, and that was an important distinction for me to remember. That’s when PAI started to list off achievements. Her voice slightly higher, and louder than usual. It almost gave a gameshow-host type vibe, but the sound of her voice at that pitch gave me an immediate headache.
She prattled on overenthusiastically for quite some time on simple things, even things as simple as drinking from my cupped hands. Though, there were a few that I took special note of:
- Breaking the Illusion! – Whooo! You left the Safety Zone and stepped back into the unknown! Bold? Foolish? Who cares! The important thing is—you’re DOING THINGS! Yay, progress!
- The Right Path? – You used airflow to navigate. That’s big brain energy right there! I mean, sure, you could have just wandered aimlessly, but nooo, you had to be all smart about it! So proud of you!
- Natural Predator! – Look at you, identifying weaknesses like a true monster hunter! Silver, fire… dramatic howling? Whatever works! Now go be scary, too!
- All’s Fur in Love and War! – Oh nooo, Mr. Werewolf, where did your fingers go? Oh, right. You shattered That’s one way to handle a handshake!
- A Fighting Chance! – You fought something bigger, faster, and much meaner than you… AND YOU LIVED?! Somebody, quick! Cue the inspirational training montage music!
- Beastslayer! – You took down a Werewolf. A WEREWOLF! You’re officially a badass now. Just don’t go getting a big head about it, okay?
- Ghost Boxer! – You equipped an actual punching ghost. Now you can hit things that are slightly farther away! What even is physics anymore?
- What’s in the Box?! – Ding ding ding! You opened a mini-boss chest! Was it hard-earned? Was it luck? WHO CARES, YOU GOT STUFF!
- Long Live the King! – Congratulations! You are now the Supreme Ruler of a bunch of chaos gremlins with wings! You must be so proud!
- Sacrificial Miscommunication! – Uh. Wow. That escalated quickly. Next time, be really clear when telling people to “go live their best lives.”
- New Companion: Noctis Bleakheart! – You picked up a new party member! He’s… uh… well, he’s here! That’s something!
- Warning: Sedentary Behavior Detected! – Hey, uh, just a heads up? If you sit around too long, the dungeon will try to murder you. Better get those steps in!
- Dead Weight! – You carried Noctis like a sack of potatoes. He is not a sack of potatoes. You did it anyway. Congrats!
After listing off for a solid 15 minutes, the rewards all opened at once. They opened up, then most the items that were selected hovered for a moment, large X’s flashed across them before they flashed once, and the items disappeared. I scowled but was happy to see what I got.
- 1x Minor Stamina Potion
- 2x Minor Health Potions
- 3x Level 1 Treasure Tokens
- 1x Level 2 Treasure Token
- Mark of the Pixie King: Hidden, Passive- All creatures with Fae heritage now emit a faint glow in your vision, as do their magics. These monsters also are more likely to recognize and respect you.
- Pixie Woven Tunic: Uncommon Light Armor. Weak to fire.
That seemed to be it, so I quietly cussed myself for putting it off. I was getting tired of all the distractions, but apparently I’d be punished for that. I made a mental note to pay attention when I received notifications.
I inspected the Pixie Woven Tunic, and it came with a short list of bonuses:
- +1 to all base stats
- Adventurer’s tunic: The wearer of this item will appear as an iconic archetype of “adventurer.” Alters wardrobe appearance, including all other equipped garments and armor.
Curiously, I put the tunic on. Despite the action, and lack of clothing, I was suddenly fully dressed. There were trousers, boots and a utility belt coinciding with my new tunic. I also felt… something. Though I was just guessing, I assumed the uplifted feeling came from the boost to my stats. Though minor, it felt as though a sudden burden was lifted from my mind. Like I was seeing through a fog before, and there was a new resounding clarity. That wasn’t the end of it, however.
I felt a sudden weight on my back, as I moved, I could hear a chick, click in my ear. I turned my head to see the pommel of a sword there. Confused, as I didn’t have one of those, I reached over to pull it out. As I did, the material in my hand disappeared, and subtle flow of air coursed through my fingers.
I caught on quickly, putting my hand back as though I was sheathing a blade, the whisps around my fingers disappeared as the blade pommel manifested itself once more.
Though I still wasn’t happy about all the rewards I missed out on, stupid as that was, I was glad to have the new gear. I assumed the ability to put my weapon away without unequipping it was important, like in many games, it was probably a bad thing to run around non-combat areas with weapons out.
I took a glance around the room and noted a bookcase I hadn’t inspected the night before. There weren’t many books, but I noted a few that I had read before. The likelihood of those specific books was very low. The entire LotR collection was there, but it also had old favorites I hadn’t visited in years. I nabbed a copy of The Eye of the World, and to my surprise, a copy of The Stars My Destination. I put them into my inventory, got an achievement for stealing, took a final glance around the room and left to get some of the complimentary breakfast.
The resident NPC was nowhere to be found, but the food was hot. I filled up on eggs, bacon and potatoes, though instead of the fine dishware I had before, there were paper plates and cardboard cups. The coffee tasted cheap and was burnt, though the creamer was pretty good. I stole a fair stack of cups, paper plates, and cheap plastic cutlery just in case. So far, I hadn’t hit a limit in my inventory, and I was beginning to suspect that it wasn’t limited to volume but instead slots. I had a fair amount of junk in there, but so far, I still had plenty of blank slots to fill. I tinkered through my inventory until I had digested enough to feel comfortable, folded a few more servings of breakfast into a paper plate then tossed it into my inventory, then left to see what this area had to offer.
The map the pixies had outlined for me didn’t have the paths I could follow to get to the various regions. The pixies had an intricate tunnel system that they could fly through, the tunnels themselves too small for a person, let alone myself. So, I had to meander until I found the appropriate regions if I wanted to find particular enemies to grind on. At least I wasn’t completely blind going in, and there were certainly enemies I wanted no part of.
Of the nearby options, there were few that I wanted to seek out. The problem was most of the creatures worth avoiding would likely be on the way to the areas that had more of the kinds of opponents I was suited for. There was one area, a kind of arena, that wasn’t too far off that had several opponents I would likely have an advantage against. The problem was getting there.
On the way, I had a high chance of running into these things called Spined Maulers, they were large porcupine-like creatures. I didn’t want anything to do with that. There were also Bogstriders, creatures that were shaped like Slenderman but had a camouflage effect that allowed them to blend in with the wall. They would apparently grab you and leave you paralyzed from the waist down as you passed by. Once paralyzed, it would start to eat the regions of your flesh you couldn’t move until you bled out. They weren’t fast, but the paralysis came with a mental fog, and you’d probably bleed out by the time you could do anything about it. I didn’t want any part of that either.
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In the little arena, however, there were Hollowed Champions, AKA animated armor. I figured if I could grapple them, I could likely snap off enough pieces that made it easy to finish them off. The other opponents in the area were “Raised Gladiators,” undead gladiators that didn’t give a curse or have any kind of rabid disease to infect me with. I figured that would do nicely since I felt more comfortable against opponents that had two legs.
I took an exit to the northeast, I didn’t want to fight anymore Pacman like creatures, lycanthropic or not, and was happy not to run into anymore as I left. The tunnel that left immediately put me back into the classic castle dungeon environment. The halls were quite spacious here, however, which made me extremely cautious.
There were torches every ten yards or so, and I looted a few before I got bored with the practice. I did keep one out, however, keeping an eye out for those Bogstriders.
It had been the better part of twenty minutes before I ran into anything. It was a buglike creature that flew towards me as I headed down the hall. Once I spotted the movement, I stopped walking forward, instead I held my ground and readied my first throwing knife. I probably should have practiced with them beforehand, but I figured, it was a game, right?
Yeah, that was stupid. My first two throws missed horribly, my third barely glanced against a wing. Despite my poor aim, the creature crashed to the ground and began crawling at me, chittering the whole way. As it leaped at me, I punched, and the ghostly arm reached out and walloped the creature about a foot and a half from my extended fist. The first hit sent it airborne where I was able to hit it with a follow-up hook. The creature hissed, then rebounded against the stone wall where the chitin erupted, spilling gore all over the wall. An experience counter pinged followed by a stupid achievement titled “Exterminator.” I was rewarded with two poison cure potions and another bump of experience. Inspecting the creature, it was called a Skitterling, and it dropped some chitin that I looted. I inspected the chitin in my inventory, which, not surprisingly, was considered a crafting ingredient.
As I left my inventory, I caught the faintest shadow of movement out of the corner of my eye. I immediately turned in that direction, holding up prayer hands. The gesture was taught to me under the circumstance that you had multiple opponents, and you didn’t know which direction they were coming from. As you turn, you lift the prayer hands assuming there would be a fist coming at your face, allowing you to make contact at your forearm and allowing entry from there.
The trick worked like a charm, and though I could barely make out the thing by firelight, I already had a good idea as to what it was. It was a Bogstrider, its skin mostly transparent in the dim light, but once I made contact, I didn’t need to see it anymore. So long as it was relatively shaped like a human, I had a visceral understanding of body mechanics. Once I made contact, I wrapped my left arm around the creature’s right, shoving the arm over and grabbing the wrist with my right hand, creating a two-on-one hold. Panicked, I activated my Grapple ability. Still holding the wrist, I pulled the Bogstrider as I reared back my left arm and elbowed down on the creature’s own arm as it had straightened. A gut twisting crunch sounded on the first blow, the second made a pop.
The howl the creature made sounded like someone trying to speak as they inhaled, it made my skin crawl, but despite myself I took advantage of my grip and punched it in the side of the face until it lost its balance and fell.
The creature itself was alarmingly slow, and though it fed the creep factor of the occasion, it also left the creature incapable of defending itself once it failed its sneak attack. Looking down, instead of a face, it looked like an old tv after it lost signal. The mouth hung open, and inside were rows of needle-like teeth. Needless to say, I wasn’t going to give it any time to recover. Standing over the Bogstrider, I pummeled down using my ghostly projected arms instead, doing what I could to avoid getting my hands mangled by the teeth. After five or six seconds of that, the creature expired, molting outward as it did. The chameleon effect died with the creature, displaying near black skin just before gaps opened in its flesh and it’s mouth hung open. The thing twitched one last time before going completely still. I exhaled through my nose, resisting the urge to recoil. An experience ping chimed, along with a notification, but I wasn’t going to wait around to check them out.
I glanced the creature over for loot, didn’t see anything, and moved along, paying extra attention to anything that might stick out. As I passed by, I was able to find two of the throwing knives from before, but couldn’t locate the last one before I had an unerring sense of unease.
Now, you might be thinking, those Bogstriders would be an easy grind, and if I had any way to see them more clearly in the dim light, you would be right. The problem was, if I missed just one of them, I’d end up paralyzed and inevitably eaten. Since that wasn’t really on my list of shit to get done today, I erred on the side of caution.
I did use my Eagle Eye ability a few times, hoping to scout out the corridors, but not having much luck. Unlike before, I didn’t get the strange unloaded glitch I had experienced last time. I did spot a few of the Bogstriders as I went, and I dispatched most of them before they had a chance to move. The ones that started to react were entirely too slow, and they were handled just as quickly. They really didn’t have much HP, which I was extremely grateful for. I had a few more scuffs with the Skitterlings as I went, one of which shot a projectile at me that sunk deep into my forearm. I pulled it out, but it ripped some flesh as it went. Pissed, I walloped the creature until it stopped twitching. I then drank one of the healing potions I was given earlier, and watched as my flesh reknit itself. It was a surreal experience, and it taught me a valuable lesson. I didn’t want anything to do with creatures that could just shoot me, getting shot fucking hurt.
A few skill notification popped up as I went. I was glad to see that my Grapple and Eagle Eye skills went up to level 2, so did my unarmed combat skill despite my Flying Fists weapon being equipped. I was a bit surprised by the progress, the unarmed combat made sense, but I had only used my Grapple ability a few times, though I made it a point to spam the skill the moment I grabbed any of the Bogstriders, those things were kind of terrifying, and I really didn’t want to mess with that.
It took me a few hours to get to the arena, and by then I was surprisingly hungry, sweaty, and ready to take a little break. I found a small room that I assumed used to be an armory, though any viable weapons or armor had gone to rust a long time ago. Still, I couldn’t help myself from looting everything in the room after aimlessly punching the walls with my Flying Fists. I was worried about another chameleon-like effect, and the room was rather dim despite a small window that let in natural light. I moved a large table in front of the door, then proceeded to stack a bunch of items on top of it. The idea was, if something opened the door, enough of the things on the table would fall to the ground, warning me of intruders.
I sat on the floor allowing the natural light to warm my skin. It was nice seeing some sunlight for a change, so I went about reviewing my achievements while enjoying the sun. I checked out the window, and though I couldn’t tell where the sunlight was coming from, it still managed to light the scenic view out the window. It looked like late spring, if not early summer. Though, I knew I wasn’t on earth anymore, the area looked like somewhere in Europe, perhaps the Alps? It didn’t really matter, it was all fake anyhow.
Sighing, I opened my achievement list. There was an option at the top to read and distribute rewards together, which I assumed would be much like last time. I selected it and snacked on my leftovers as PAI dictated all my achievements:
- Heavy Hands! – Repeated use of unarmed strikes has solidified your dominance in hand-to-hand combat. Fists speak louder than words.
- Hardened by Battle! – You’ve taken some hits and kept going. Your body is adapting to the relentless punishment of the dungeon.
- Nomad’s Ingenuity! – You’ve repurposed random junk into a makeshift security system. Who needs magic when you’ve got good old-fashioned paranoia?
- First Rule of Dungeon Fight Club! – You’ve successfully taken on multiple opponents using strategy, skill, and brute force. Keep it up.
- Old School Hydration! – You’re keeping hydrated, staying healthy, and making use of that big brain to store water like a pro!
Next came a page of items, all of which were looted automatically before I had a chance to see what they were. Peeved, I started digging through my inventory, noting that I now had nearly fifty level 1 treasure tokens, and twelve of the level 2’s. I had a few flashing items in my inventory that I inspected, which allowed me to figure out which items were new. That list looked something like this:
- Minor Healing Potion x 9
- Enhanced Waterskin – Can link directly to all liquids in user’s inventory. Drinking from this item slightly increases stamina regeneration.
- Store Chime – Place this item on any doorframe and when something passes through the door, the user will hear a chime.
After inspecting the items, I immediately linked my waterskin to my inventory, then place the waterskin into the inventory spot associated with my belt. I didn’t actually have a belt equipped, but the game still allowed me to equip the waterskin regardless. It appeared on my waist, I uncorked the stopper and took a long pull. It tasted slightly of leather, but otherwise was still cool. A little buff notification appeared before my name and I continued to dig through my menus to see if anything else had changed. In my skills menu, I came across one new glowing item, it was titled “Tough,” and when I focused on the box, text appeared with an explanation. “5% resistance to all physical attacks.”
Though the new passive skill was handy, 5% wasn’t much. I still worried over having to fight a boss down here, especially alone. I could only imagine what it would be because it could literally be anything. A dragon? A wizard? A space ship with rockets? Dr. Evil riding a shark with friggin’ laser beams coming out of its head? Anything.
The loud clatter of items falling off the table that blocked the door immediately stole me from my reveries. The loud grating noise of the table getting shoved across the stone floor took all of my attention. The rusted junk falling off of the table did it’s job as well, but I was having second thoughts as it was loud enough to wake the dead.
Finally, something gave and the door swung open, flinging the table and its contents against the wall to my left. If every enemy in the dungeon didn’t hear the beginning of that landslide, they certainly heard the end. I grimaced.
I was already on my feet as the suit of armor steadily stepped towards me. It was big, if a man were wearing the suit he’d have to be my height or taller. Its eyes were glowing a menacing green, and despite the suit being empty, it made noises as though there was a human in there, albeit one inside an echoing chamber. I started circling to the side where the armor began mimicking me.
I didn’t see a weapon on the armor, so I stepped in quickly, throwing out a quick jab then a cross. I backed up quickly though, just to be safe.
The metallic ring of my strikes against the helm put a smile on my face until I realized it had barely done anything. I came in again, throwing out a quick combo before moving to the side and bobbing a little bit. I had thought this out, and barring a weapon, I would be able to abuse my range. I was hoping it would be enough that I wouldn’t have to get close. Dying to an inanimate object was an exceedingly dumb way to die, and, well, something in me just wouldn’t abide that.
I came in again, and as I took my first step, the Animated Armor suddenly surged. It reared back its arm and struck at me. I rolled my shoulder as it did, making the strike whiff, but it still caught enough of my skull to leave me stumbling and backing up. I checked my head and my hand came back wet and red. I gritted my teeth.
I took a few gasping breaths, the trope about big people wasn’t inaccurate and I wheezed for a moment, having already exerted a lot of energy just bouncing about. You might think me out of shape, but to move the way I do, it’s extraordinarily draining. Besides, I had practiced quite a bit at these things, but practicing was different from fighting for your life. I moved away, circling, I coughed and spit once, readying myself for the next exchange. Then the creature was surging again, moving faster than I expected. This time, as it wound back to hit me, I was much keener to react.
The strike came out and I punched it aside, intercepting the strike and following up with a quick one two punch to the helm. I backed off, but the armor kept coming. I crouched low, wondering if I should try to get the thing to the ground or not.
The armor raised its arm, intending to come down with a hammer strike.
I will admit, that most the time, I’m not this good. Reaction time was a thing to be worked, and sometimes, with enough practice, the body will react before the brain has any say so. As the armored arm came to an apex, I leaped upward. Grabbing the base of the gauntlet with my right hand, I snuck my left around the armor’s arm, locking on to my own wrist. As the armor’s weight came forward, my lock pushed the arm past where it should.
If the armor were a human, the entire rotator cuff would have been ruined. I felt it before I even saw it- the weight of the limb just… gave. No snap of bone, no tear of muscle, just a hallow, unnatural pop. The arm was suddenly in my hands, like a piece of old furniture that had finally broken apart. Not expecting this, I stumbled once before I caught my feet, spun, then swung with all I had using the arm like a crude club. The armor stumbled, and I hit it again with an overhead swing. The armor came to a knee, and I hesitated. Is this enough? Could I- the armor lurched, placing a hand like it was about to get up. Nope, full measure, no chances Kevin. I ditched the arm, leaped onto the creature’s back and activated my Crushing Hold. The armor went limp.
I turned the heavy ass thing over, looking at the glowing green eyes. The hallow panting sound surprised me, but I paid little mind as I placed one foot on the shoulder and used both hands to start pulling at the helm. With another pop, the helm came free, and I watched as the green eyes faded and an experience counter pinged in my vision. Panting, I shut the door and threw the armor in front of it. I sat, doing my best to calm my racing heart and praying that the next one wasn’t already on its way.