*Ffft*
*Whoof*
The lighter cracks. No shimmer. No shine.
Just smoke, thick and slow, curling into the abyss I call home.
*Grshk- Grshk*
Dragged. No pain. No feeling.
No fear, just the bubbling silence that follows.
When the smoke clears, I appear.
When it returns, I vanish.
Always cracks between the haze.
That’s where the fire speaks,
devouring whatever dares to claim truth.
The haze sways, drunk on its own abyss.
Particles pulse, energy collapsing in on itself.
I dissolve, feather-light.
But the smoke grows heavy.
A boulder sinking in dread.
No rage. No grief. Just the bitter weight of numbness.
“But numbness isn’t bitter, nor not feeling at all.” A faint little girl's tone floated in the distance, pausing and continuing on.
“It is the feeling; of feeling so much that it disrupts the natural flow of peace and harmony within to feel too much all at once.”
“Meaning numbness is another form of being overwhelmed but much more intense and gureling.” The voice then stopped.
As ripples stab, churn… *rkkshhht* bones break dissolving my feather body. Piece by piece,
A dinging of errors felt like it rang through my mind, cutting off at the end due to the overload of what I felt, knew, and remembered to be, not me at all. The absurdity, the restriction lifted what -I-, -It-… -we?-
‘Dust.’
‘That’s what I had been resorting to?’
From feathered skin, to blank dust, it eventually took to the stream that seeped through the cracks of smoke making my being of specks to become multicoloured each to their own. all different yet still the same -me?- -we?- -us?-
‘I’ll never get use to—’
…
‘To what?’
My mind garbled, where the basic understanding slowly became harder as the voices formed more plentiful. They swarmed, buzzing, screeching to static that short-lined based on the distance they disconnect or reconnect from. Which determines what allows such waves of connections to base the mainframe voices' reason, will and understanding.
‘Or would it be more like a discussion?’
‘Guess it doesn’t matter.’
Wild strays flow off into the clearer sides of darkness each individually drifting, roaming, seeking. What is it that they want? ‘What do I want?’
Just as a dozen whispers beckoning, calling— yet I don't lose momentum nor get lost. Just unbounded. Rincing me clean and making the colours shine.
‘Hmm what does this remind us of.. these colours…’
*Click*
*Ffft*
*Whoof*
“Can.dles”
‘That’s it, I remember clearly now, these are the colours of the candles I saw once before.’
The sound disappears once more just when that thought leaves us lonely.
Although, before that settled into our orbs of gentle light. -We-, -I-, -It- the sudden shift with movement, speeds beyond measure. Twisting, warping, misplaced steps of tumbling into oneself. Every inch away the more disconnected I become, the tiredness consumes me.
‘ahh, this is it. I was made to disappear..’
Light below seeps through the dust and smoke. Heated up like flames from the sun comparing us to stars in the night sky when the moon is in front. Our colours bleed across knowing what isn’t there is no sky, nor nothing in particular. ‘Where will our glow stop tonight?’
“My Dear, Does it matter?” A familiar tune of a voice rang, shaking each part of me.
‘Who?’
‘Why do I feel like I can’t remember?’
With the confusion piling up the more spirals my form got fueled into collecting every part of me as it lifted me higher.
Up
uP
UP
More
It is always up.
Like a ride that never ends. No pause. No breath. Just the motion making sure I know I'm here. But nothing stops the dizzying ache.
“I’ll make you beg.” The ominous, eerie tone reappeared as if to make a promise.
‘But will begging even stop the spiraling?’
*whWhhwhWiip*
‘No’
‘No’
‘N-‘
*Woosh**Woosh**Woosh*
*Woosh**Woosh**Woosh*
I spin; being twirled like a ballerina while slowly different dusts coalesce into bigger orbs. Holding a brighter vibrance together as if the embodiment of all holy or sacred.
“What if it’s something else?” The Eerie voice couldn’t help question,
‘What do you believe in?’
‘Something different?’
But all spirals end, even false ones. The pinnacle waits or pretends too. Should it end?
‘Should?’
‘Should it?’
‘?Ti dluohs’
It teases us with a strand tingle of the unknown.
Time freezes. Move my halts.
‘Nothing?’
‘Nothing?’
‘Nothing?’
‘Nothing?’
‘Nothing.’
“I am nothing”
Then the creaks start. Sharp, hollow, but familiar. Like a pumpkin carved in silence or like a fountain pen being stabbed and dragging its ink across glass in a deadpan room. The only solace that fills my void; making the symbol of dreams past to reality of another. Something of a blurry memory, where nothing is made to be but everything is all at once.
Among the work at hand is the creaks creation; a crest as you would; the moonstone engraved in a lotus glow. Lines of all directions draw and cut through the dark, a new constellation forming. The symbolism that felt like my heart.
*Tap*
*Tap*
*Tap*
Three points; an arrow head.
‘Is this the end?’
A perfect circle, one of unification, completes and closes around the symbol.
*Ssswwwiiing*
The carving gains a slight sheen of white, till a glow curls upward passing through my dust. Then,
‘More symbols. Not just shapes. Letters. Words?’
‘How do I know they are words?’
Nausea drives like a knife thrashed deep and rolling through each inch of me pulling taut sinew. Where the final words locks and releases a force folding me inward. To only have my dust be reformed; a shape becoming my cage.
‘Did I leave, or was I left?’
‘Arrival... or rejection?’
‘Where does, ending begin?’
Pain flares through, what felt like my spine.
“Your spine is mine.” A faded voice garbled and disappeared behind the smoke.
Grief without eyes, while they are misplaced in an unknown lane. Tears without lungs, no home for the water to work. Something of claw, to fangs on the verge edging the border of who I almost am.
No writhing, not anymore. I have surpassed the bound of what it could have been. Where only the thick boil of something planted deep within. Something that is and cannot be made mine. It stains. It roots. It lingers and follows my shoes.
“I am sealed.” A voice I forgot was -Me- or -Us?-
“Dear, you know more. Just look deeper.” That familiar voice, she called out.
‘What does she mean?’
‘I can’t remember…’
A rumble scatters the smoke as the hums of intensity return, too low yet very loud. Too consistent to ignore.
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
‘I can’t let the silence eat me alive’ my essence grapple to know and hear anything,
‘Please don’t leave me.’
The silence then buries me with smoke overwhelming the rumble of the last storm.
Till a second circle wraps behind the words. It tightens, it binds, to their will. Columns rise. Gleaming with a cold airy light.
“It’s all done now” a harmony of several voices broke through the smoke but still could not see anything beyond the walls that cover what is beyond.
A secondary glow flung beneath me pulling the space. Once leaving the confining of the constellation it twists into a violet hue.
Passing through me telling me truths; this body, the arms, the legs… it was all fake, I couldn’t exist.
‘Is that what I really want to believe?’
“Dear, do you really think you can run from what was and is?” Her voice, I may not know her now but I found odd comfort knowing her voice was leading me. ‘To where?’
“Anywhere.” A distinct voice answered but this time, it was one that sounded neither young nor old. Not woman nor man. ‘What are they?’
“It doesn't matter.” The voice beckons, leaving a shock between each connection erasing those words from my memory.
The sense of bafflement overtook me as the purple hue copied the constellation as if dragged then pointed up connecting to the columns above.
“What a perfect bird cage.” A soft feminine whisper, I barely heard yet sent shivers throughout my being.
Limb by limb,
Feet.
Legs.
Bones.
‘What are those again?’ My orb flickers in and out, ‘mmm, yes this is how I am.’
“Skin.”
‘No that doesn’t feel like skin’ as fragments of my essence rub against one another fully connected. I start to question more, ‘how do I know what skin feels like? What’s skin again?’
“Forget it, forfeit what you knew.” The voice sweet, serenades me. Enchanting me; As if saying
“I was never one thing” a voice forces out of me,
“I was only fragments pretending to be whole-” My voice chokes near the end.
Feeling bitter, not wanting to believe but the proof is undeniable.
“You sure that is the truth, sweetheart?” Her voice popped up again…
without notice, a robotic tone rang, echoed and etched into me and just like that a notification appeared once more.
*Ding Ding*
With the pouring in notices, some were garbled and incoherent.
/…/
Where other notices were named followed by actions that cooperated with the constellation above and below.
*Ding*
*Ding*
< Feet - Ankle Assembling>
The smoke, from outside my cage floods through the constellations as if all the smoke was clearing up from outside but drowning me in place. Spreading this undeniable tingly sensation, meanwhile, a part of the smoke turned into a black flame. I could feel my essence be taken with the flame entering the fog I can’t see. With each passing moment, I felt like I was being crafted like a mythical statue.
< … forming…>
Red, crimson as blood, a flame appeared, took more from me and dove down, the heat, the warmth. I could feel the vibrations somehow, the embodiment of feet growing and solidifying from what I wasn’t.
A could feel a sense of my toes wiggling and my ankle being able to move up and down motions.
/…/
After the new notification popped up, something like flames camouflaged among the gray fog, taking more of my essence, stretching it like a 3D model. Then dragging what was formed and attaching it onto my ankle. The heat intended for a moment as I felt the sensation from my feet combine to what was added. ‘Truly this is the oddest I’ve ever felt..’
My leg moves on its own
< Loading kn—>
The flickering movement approached, not as much essence was taken this time as the brown sheen flame connected the leg and molded my knee on the outside leaving it hollow, till the heat burnt up and the flame became bigger. Then just like liquid the flame poured itself in my knee making a pinging feeling emerge in my consciousness.
< Testing Functionality and Movements>
I felt as if hands wrapped around my leg and knee, as if bending and twisting the limbs.
Then two separate forms motioned around my main essence, took some and their flame became a bright pink, forcing the fog to diminish just a bit. As if working overtime a third and forth mini pink flame came out of nowhere and grabbed more essence to stretch and form as it pleases. This time it felt like they were taking much longer building up my thighs as I lost count of how many trips back and forth they took a bit of essence and poured their flame to melt and solidify my form.
…
…
The four mini flames reemerged and collided into one another, leaving two flames left as they worked together at a quicker pace forming each fragment needed for the hip.
When all the most basic parts were done the flames combined heating and filling the empty parts.
< Testing Functionality and Movements>
Unlike before, a swarm of three colours swirled around as if they were in an arrangement of an unusual dance. Orange, gold and silver the more they spun the more the fog seemed to enter into the form that was made. ‘Why is it entering? What even is this?’
Each movement was fast, and quick from one side to another.
The spiraling stopped as they all separate as orange pours its flame in the front, silver pours flames behind orange and gold splits into flames pouring its fire into the left and right side of the body filling and gluing all my essence together as they should be.
/…/
Just as enough as the constellation above me was now visible again due to the fog being consumed by what the flames had been doing. A yellow shines for a second temporarily making me unable to see.
A pattering sound then filled my cage, ‘rain?’
When the flash finally wore off that very yellow sheen was raining from above like small embers of flames. My body as it dropped down absorbed it as if hungry. Forcing embers to collide and messing up with their creation all purpose makes different embers become differentiating sizes of flames.
As if the flames were getting frustrated with how messily their formation was becoming and weren’t getting any better with time, the accuracy was looking dulled. They all froze in the air as I watched all the yellow embers combine with one another forming three main flames. Making my copiousness feel a bit unusual, more thoughts connected in my essences.
‘I have no idea how long it’s been.. it tingles… unsure if it’s from pain or if it tickles but I know it’s unusual.. Why me? Why must this happen to me?’
‘And who am I?’
The flames this time didn't disperse and continued,
The three yellow flames became clouds and rained some their embers down once more, till it became a storm making peaks of thunder erupting for more precision, to form and create the more sensitive areas needed for the yellow flame to get into. Within moments it finished
Then emerged an orange tinted flame filling the upper ranges that were left empty fulfilling all and pieced them together perfectly.
…
/…/
Suddenly, a green flash filled the areas between the fogginess, I then felt something rapidly grow from the constellation below. ‘What is this feeling? Why is it so familiar?’
“Grass.” A deep brooding voice came as it went.
Each random strand began wrapping around my limbs it touched, working its way up to where it must and then inflamed the area like a torch while each grassy strand worked like hands to the flame making the process faster.
*Ding*
The green flames still built up in the mid ranges while yellow and orange flames re-emerged crawling its flames in between different areas.
/…/
/…/
/…/
/…/
The smoke completely dispels and absorbs into the last parts that are all crafted at once.
/…/
/…/
/…/
/…/
/…/
/…/
After the long notifications ended, the flames that helped flashes out of the cage showing what’s beyond were never-ending candles lining from all angles and of all colours. Speech of all voices flooded into my new vessel, I could move to my own accord but wasn't for long till my eyes felt shaken.
The flames vanish. I blink, and I’m standing.
Fluorescent lights hum overhead, the scent of bread, bleach, memory. Shuffling carts, metal squeaks, people murmur like ghosts with names I should know.
‘Where am I?’‘
Did I... make it?’
The cold air stings. That feels real. Too real.
‘Is this real?’
‘A store.’
‘A store?’
My knees give.
No warning.
I hit the floor. Crack.
Pain floods through, delayed.
‘Am I still breakable?’
Yes. I think so. I think.
Blink.
I’m standing. Still.
Back in place. Back in line?
Carts roll, voices shuffle.
Everything’s fine. Right?
Nothing’s fine.
But I’m trembling harder.
Harder than before.
‘Didn’t I fall?’
‘Didn’t someone see me fall?’
I reach for the shelf. Something. Anything.
Stabilize.
A cart slams my side.
Screams, shouting.
My body twists. My head smacks linoleum.
I don’t scream. I don’t move.
I just.
Blink.
Standing again.
Same aisle. Same hum.
Same breath stuck halfway up my throat.
‘No, no, no, this isn’t real. This isn’t real.’
‘Is this how breaking feels?’
My legs fold again, this time into the vegetables.
The cold hits my skin.
Tomatoes scatter.
Plastic crinkles.
People panic.
‘Did I just ruin someone’s dinner?’
The thought bubbles up, wrong.
I feel something snap inside me.
Something important. Something of mine.
Blink.
I’m upright, but shaking.
Not from fear.
From too much.
Each breath feels stolen.
My body leaks.
Something’s leaking. Out. From. Me.
‘Am I bleeding?’
No.
‘Am I leaking?’
Yes.
I try to speak,
but my voice won’t come.
I know I have one.
I had one.
A woman appears.
Older, kind eyes.
She sees me.
She sees me.
She grabs my shoulders.
“Oh dear… oh no…”
I don’t say anything.
I think I smile. Why did I smile?
Her voice cracks.
“Call the pha,”
her scream cuts through me like a wire pulled taut,
then snapped.
Collapse.
Blink.
Gasp.
Can’t breathe.
Something’s in my throat.
Not food. Not air.
Me?
Cookies.
I smell cookies.
That shouldn’t comfort me.
Why does it comfort me?
I raise a hand to my neck.
My knees go again.
I collapsed again.
A man in a suit catches me mid-fall.
He doesn’t look at me.
He exhales like this is an inconvenience.
I fold into him,
like a shadow trying to pass as real.
Then,
a cloth wraps around my head, tight.
Tight enough to erase.
Darkness.
I’m lifted.
Carried.
Floating.
No weight. No will.
Then,
nothing.