“You’re not even trying at this point,” Sienna says, slightly annoyed. I lift my fist to strike her right cheek, but she knocks my arm back with little effort. She’s not wrong. But I can’t think… the job st night was exhausting, and I can’t stop thinking about the way his blood spttered on the ground, the metallic smell that filled the small empty home, and his blood that seeped underneath my nails. My stomach churns at the thought.

  “Irving!” Sienna shouts as she nds a blow to my stomach with her leg. Well that definitely snapped me back to the present. For someone so lean, she’s strong, and the kick knocks the wind out of me. She nds in the traditional Valere fighting stance but puts her hands on her hips.

  “What is going on with you today?” She asks, clearly irritated, but I can hear the genuine concern under it. She’s not truly irritated with me; she is more irritated that I’m not giving her a hard enough workout.

  My breathing is bored way more than it should be. I close my eyes and take a deep breath holding my stomach.

  “I’m sorry Si,” I sigh. “I’m just thinking about st night…” I trail off not wanting it to fully come back to me.

  “I’m sorry,” She says, coming closer and pcing a hand on my shoulder and gently squeezes.

  “It’s fine. I know I should leave it at the door.” I mutter. She looks at me and nods.

  “It is one of the things that they drill into us here throughout our training,” she says. Sienna has always been better at compartmentalizing than I have been, and I’m already pretty fucking good at it. Sometimes I wonder how she does it because when we’re not training or fighting or being punished, she is the most fun, loving person.

  “Yes, I know,” I start. “But sometimes it’s harder than others. You know that. This is one of these times and I don’t even fucking know why.”

  I start searching my mind to locate the source of this hyper-fixation on a low stakes, quick, easy, assignment. Why can’t I get over it? The target was an adult… he didn’t even have family. I expect to feel this way when the target is young, or has a family, but this was a random man. He didn’t even beg or say anything. He accepted it, so why can’t I?

  “Sometimes things affect us more deeply than others— usually when we don’t expect it,” she says and shrugs. “I know it’s not that easy. Nothing here is easy. Except maybe...” She raises her eyebrow and gives me a pointed look.

  I let out a low ugh. “Wow…” I put my hand to my chest feigning offense, and she ughs. “You’re right. About things affecting us when we don’t expect it.” I add quickly. “Thanks. I think it’s more to do with how easily he accepted his fate. There was no begging, no cursing me, no noise at all. There was almost a sense of relief? It was like he was happy to finally leave this world behind.”

  “Maybe he was,” She shrugs. “Come on, let’s get some lunch.” She grabs my hand and starts to pull me to the dining hall. We pass by young students in training— adolescents, teens, and young adults. The young ones look at Sienna and I with wide eyes. Most of the officer’s and captain’s spar in the inside gym area. It’s new, it’s colder, and it’s private but Si likes to be outside any time she can be, and since the weather is so mild I was more than happy to use the outdoor gym. I give them a tight-lipped smile and she waves. We walk with our hands behind our backs like we’ve been drilled to do since arrival at the Valh. I hear the littler ones excim excitedly.

  “You know you shouldn’t do that. It’s bad enough that to acknowledge them.” I say.

  “Ah, yes, Gods forbid we show the young ones any sembnce of niceties least they forget that they were taken or sold by their families.” She says dryly. Si knows that I don’t agree with the way the young ones are treated here. I’m just more discreet about disagreeing than she is about it. I’m probably the most rigid out of her, Cra, and Weston. Though my actions st night proved otherwise.

  She lets out a big sigh and bumps me with her hip. “Such a diplomat,” She ughs. I look over at her and give a mocking smile.

  Sienna was ten years old when she was plucked from her old life, and taken to one of the most intense, brutal training facilities to become a Valere. Her family was murdered by the King, and she was taken and give to the Valh as punishment for her family’s crimes against the royal family. She doesn’t remember much from that day, or about her family. I’m not sure if that’s because she can’t, or she doesn’t want to.

  “I guess I should be grateful that you still have a kind heart despite all the fucked up shit Diana makes you do.”

  “Shh. No one is supposed to know that. Least of all her.” My stomach clenches slightly at that and my mood sours. The mention of Diana usually does that. Diana. She is the person who brought me to the Valh when I was an infant, which is quite unusual. She is the closest thing that I’ve ever had to a mother figure. It would take days to even crack the egg that is High Commander Diana. She was always sweet to me until I turned eight, then she became what she is to everyone else. Harsh, direct, indifferent, and cruel. She used to call me her sweet one when I was younger, and whenever I felt like killing her throughout the years, whenever I imagined it was her throat I was slitting during an assignment, I would hear her call me her sweet one in my head. It’s the only thing that would stop me from wanting to go through with it.

  We make our way inside the dining room from the back hallway that is leads to the outside gym. It’s practically empty. The tall ceilings and ck of bodies will make it echoey. The ceilings are curved to a sharp point and there is a red letter V in each of the gss windowpanes. There are five extremely long tables in the middle of the room. The three tables in the back are split into young, middle, and older students. Graduates and full Valere are able to sit at the two front tables near the dais, where Diana and the other higher ups eat on special occasions.

  We walk up to the kitchen window and are greeted by Felix. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him not smiling. Unlike many of the others at Valh, Felix volunteered to come here when he was a teen. I always wonder what he could’ve went through to prefer a pce like the Valh. Felix was on track to becoming a commander after graduation until the Ceremony... he wasn’t gifted any magic from the Gods. To be full Valere, and earn the title of warrior, you must be deemed worthy by the Gods to possess and use magic. If you’re not, you are still in service of the King, but you’re a regur Varean guard. You do not get the second V branded onto your arm. Felix was one of the best Varean guards in history, but he has since retired and now works at the Valh in the kitchens.

  “Why hello dies,” he grins and pces his hand on the wall beside him. “What are we having today?”

  “Hello Felix,” I drawl. “Do you have any of that chicken and mushroom soup?”

  “Hm, I’m not sure, but I could make you some.” No hesitation just a desire to be helpful like always.

  “Oh no, that’s okay. You don’t have to make it. What do you have for lunch today?” I ask.

  He looks over at Sienna and her face brightens. “Hi,” she says slowly looking at him with two different kinds of hunger in her eyes.

  He smiles the most genuine smile and locks eyes with her, “Hi Sienna. What can I get for you?”

  I raise my eyebrows. He knows exactly what she’ll have… I start to open my mouth, and she throws her hand over it.

  “Don’t do it,” she turns to look me right in the eyes. “You don’t always have to give in to the intrusive thoughts you know.”

  “M Masnt” I say as her hand is firmly pced over my mouth still. I stick out my tongue and lick her hand like a petunt child.

  “Ew! Irv!” She says and wipes her hand on her linen pants. She looks at Felix who is ughing and narrows her eyes. “Do not encourage her. I will have whatever is ready, I’m starving.”

  He puts both his hands up towards her like a surrender. “On it,” he says with a wink. I smile and grab her hand.

  Images of the man come up again. Blood everywhere. The sound of snapping tendons and bone. The feeling of his greasy hair in my hand as I grabbed it and pulled his neck to the side.

  We grab cups of water, and I plop down on the bench. I take three loud long gulps.

  “So,” I begin. “You two have been seeing each other for a while now.”

  “It hasn’t been that long. Also, we’re not ‘seeing each other’, we see each other on occasion,” she smiles and sips from her cup.

  I snort and look at her without believing a single word really. “Mhm… and how long do these types of retionships usually st around here?”

  “It’s not a retionship.” She says defensively.

  “Okay,” I start, expecting that. “How long do these types of…entanglements usually st? You know when people continuously meet up and have sex for months on end?”

  “They don’t.” She says sharply. “Because they are unsustainable. The King could send our unit somewhere far away and I could never see him again. I could be sent to defend another city and die on duty.” My heart squeezes when she says it. I couldn’t imagine losing Sienna or Cra or Wes.

  “Exactly. You should be enjoying it more than you are. It’s worth it… it might be the only time we will ever get to experience anything slightly resembling love.” She takes a sip and looks off, annoyed, because she knows I’m right. And she also hates talking about herself in any capacity.

  “Seriously, Irv. No one would believe you were a captain of the Valere if they heard you talking about love.”

  I stick out my tongue. “I’m not a full Valere yet, none of us are.” I remind her, as if she needs reminding. As if she doesn’t know that the result of the Ceremony will determine if we are full Valere.

  Not being gifted magic doesn’t make you less of a Valere. The voice points out. I ignore it, because to me, it does. I want that second branding, even though I know how badly it will hurt. It will be worth it.

  Such a glutton for punishment. The voice says, almost sounding bored. Poor Irving, constantly torn between what she wants and what she’s told to do.

  I’m pulled from my thoughts when I hear the sound of footsteps approaching and look around. My stomach drops and my eyes zero on the source; it’s the young student from st night and she’s heading right towards us. I see more students start to trickle in behind her which must mean that lessons are over and its lunch.

  Sienna looks at me and then the girl confused.

  “Captain Irving, captain Sienna,” she says and bows. “I just wanted to say thank—”

  I hold up my hand quickly to stop her from finishing her sentence. “Stop.” I meet her eyes and find that softness in them again. It’s shocking to see within the walls of the Valh. Refreshing…sad. I don’t think my eyes or soul ever held any softness.

  Well, were you ever allowed to be? The voice points out.

  Fair point, I think back. For once, agreeing and not arguing with it.

  “I told you not to mention it. And I meant that. Do not mention it, even to say thank you. Do you understand?”

  I can see hurt there, in her blue grey eyes, and my chest falls slightly. “I’m sorry, I—”

  I stand up, frustrated, and pce my hands on the table, “I don’t care. I did not think that you would take it as meaning anything other than you were not worth the trouble of reporting.” I can feel myself getting angry. I can feel the heat flooding my body at this girl’s stupidity. Just fucking go away. “How old are you?”

  I can see her chin start to wobble slightly and my anger only increases. “S-sixteen captain,” she says with strength, much to my surprise.

  My stomach bottoms out and I shiver. I audibly scoff, “You still have so much to learn.” Much more than I needed to learn at her age. I knew what was expected of me when I was ten. “Lesson number one, no one older than you is here to help you or is your friend. You are nothing but another number and another body here. I do not care if you are thankful. I do not care if you are sorry. That means fuck all to me.” I can feel my breathing become irregur from anger and frustration at this girl. This soft girl who does not deserve the anger I’m throwing her way, but I can’t stop myself from throwing it. I never can. It’s these emotions and this ck of control that has let me fulfill assignment after assignment.

  She says nothing and just stares at me, her eyes wet with tears that have yet to spill over.

  “You can go now. You’re dismissed,” I say waving a hand.

  The dining room is now half full of students and graduates who are trying to avoid making eye contact, but I know that they were listening and watching the whole thing. I watch the girl raise her chin and walk away, long blonde hair swaying as she exits the hall. I look at Sienna and she has a bnk expression on her face. I know that she’s not going to say anything to make me feel worse about humiliating a sixteen-year-old girl, but she knows that she doesn’t need to.

  “I…I didn’t mean to…” my voice is soft, full of disappointment. In myself. In this pce. In the way things have to be.

  I lower myself slowly to the bench. She grabs my hand on the table and squeezes, giving me a sympathetic smile. “I think that we all need to have a night out at the Wheat and Rye, what do you think?” She lets go of my hand as Felix approaches and drops off our lunch. Chicken and mushroom soup. His kindness and my utter ck thereof hit me like a ton of stone and suddenly I’m not so hungry anymore.

  “I can’t,” I say picking up my spoon. I need to eat, and I need to maintain my strength. I need the Gods to find me worthy, I need them to gift me magic that will make me worthy. “I have another assignment tonight.” I take a bite of the soup and feel it warm my insides. I know that it’s delicious, but it tastes bnd. “She’s sixteen.”