Criminal [Parody]
Joshua and Sonic ride up to the steps of a courthouse in a limo, where countless reporters are waiting for them. Joshua starts to get up when Sonic grabs his shoulder, pulling him back down.
Joshua: Dude, come on. We gotta go.
Sonic: I can't.
Joshua: You've gotta go to court, or it's jail.
Sonic: I can't let 'em see me usin' this.
Sonic moves around his cane, which is next to his leg.
Joshua: … I got you.
Joshua holds the cane in one hand and covers, shields, and keeps up Sonic with the other arm as they enter the courthouse. Later, Sonic sits on the stand with the cane at his legs as his friends and acquaintances sit in the audience.
Sally: Come on. Win this thing.
Bunnie: He'll get out, suga'.
Amy: You know he's mine, right?
Eggman: Quiet, Amy.
Big: Yo, what's he doin' here, dog?
Omega: Beats me.
Surge: Guy can rot for all I care.
Kit: I'm with you.
Shadow: Stupid Keanu Reaves.
Rouge: You're still on that?
Charmy: Vector was mean anyway.
Espio: Watch your words for the living.
Charmy: He's ALIVE?!
Cream: I hope mister Sonic does well today.
Cheese: Chao chao!
Vanilla: I'm sure he'll give it his best.
Metal: He could give nothing his best.
Shard: You know nothing about him.
Silver: How did I get here? Aren't I from the future?
Blaze: I thought it was another dimension?
Mephilis: Hmph.
Chaos: Blip, blup.
Tikal: Such a way with words.
Pacha: What in the Seven Chaos...
Knuckles: What'll we do if he gets thrown in jail?
Tails: Write better music?
Joshua: Heh! Write my own stuff.
Marsh: Yeah. Maybe you'll stop rippin' Me off!
The Phoenix Wright judge bangs his gavel.
Judge: Order In The Court! Now, the defendant, Sonic T. Hedgehog, will be given the chance to defend himself in the court of law for the crime of Man-Hunting. The prosecution may ask their first question.
Schumer: Thank you, judge. Mister Hedgehog, are you a murderer?
Sonic: What? What does that mean?
Vance: Sir, I must object to the question at hand. Murder is not a crime in question here.
Judge: Objection sustained. Ask a more relevant question, prosecution.
Schumer: Okaaay. Mister Hedgehog, have you ever killed anyone before?
Sonic: I've saved the world countless times. Yes, I've killed a few people.
Schumer: Do you think that saving people here and there justifies killing others?
Sonic: “Here and there?!”
Vance: Sir, I object-
Sonic: I've got this one.
Sonic stands up with his cane and takes the mic in hand.
Knuckles: It's over.
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
Tails: Just, sit down.
Joshua: Here we go.
Sonic: You know what? A lot of people ask me... A lot of stupid Sucky questions. A lot of people think that what I say, think about, write, or sing about on a paper is what I really believe, or wanna do. Or, they think that if I'll sing about killin' somebody that I'll do it in real life, or believe in it. Well, crap! If you think that scat, then I'll kill you, ha-ha!
The room murmurs to themselves as the music starts.
Sonic: You know why? 'Cause, I'm a-CRIMINAL!!!
Joshua: … CRIMINAL!!!
Knuckles: You ain't aaalriiight.
Sonic: I'm a-CRIMINAL!!!... Yeah, I'm a-
Joshua: CRIMINAL!!!
Sonic: I'm like a bragger with that nagger cred. You a shagger with a jagged edge tryin' to grab up my swagger vest. 'Sup, bagger? Gonna stab, or jest? Guess that knife ain't loaded, toad chick. “Was that cringe you posted, or are you a poet?” You just noticed I'm writin' focused? “I'll have it noted, it weren't me he quoted!” I know it! You the bloated goat kid I just roasted and ghosted for gettin' toasted. We just voted to omit ya life.
Cloud: It's Me!! Cloud Strife. One of you took my wife, so neither will leave here alive! Let me take you to war as you have a word with my Buster Sword and die faster than Concord!
Knuckles: AAAH!!! *Punch* Who's this fool in a pool of his drool on the cool floor? Some kinda labrador, or jacked escort? I can't be sure! Want me to pound him sore around this court harder than Czeropski?
Joshua: Look at his shoes. Versace! He'd sue off more of yo socks than those that appear at a sock-hop, eh men?
Schumer & Vance: Amen.
Tails: I'll aim then and maim them as I blame Slim and the Fake Em as well!
Sonic: Come now. Use a brain cell! Talkin' like you ain't well to a guy felled. Soundin' funnier than Seinfeld! But, as I let you have it, I'll mind meld with a Catholic who had that wine dealt.
Joshua: Like us, it's finer than Piker, the dumb debate miser. But, bein' nicer ain't hard against the communist bard with a capitalist heart who tries to be smart, but acts like a 'tard, 'cause his brain came from Wal-Mart! Feel like I lost a humanity shard bitin' that card, but you don't got a feelin', even subliminal. Why? 'Cause-
Sonic: I'm a-CRIMINAL!!! Each time I flip up a rhyme and make it all mine, they say it's a crime, like I'm stealin' a dime. I guess I'm a-CRIMINAL!!!
Joshua: Don't gotta flip 'em the bird, just give 'em the word and keep goin'. Don't cow tow to no-one, 'cause I'm a-CRIMINAL!!!
Sonic: About to beat Reese Witherspoon with her spoon. Better duck in a booth, like Lincoln. I'm tweakin' at a play as Abe gets sprayed with a Booth, like when the CIA had enough of JFK, got in the rough, and shot up his motorcade as I got Rotor laid with a gal on roller-blades that spun like rotor-blades!
Rotor: Thanks!
Schumer: Making fun of dead presidents. How dare you?!
Sonic: You a goofy, doofy caribou. Can't stare at you, but Rewind! Didn't you stand behind the old man resident who became president? Great precedence! Now, the mess is with you, Schu. Mister doo doo can do poo as ya goo goo and chew glue. Cuckoo as Dooku with boo boos! Boo Hoo!
Vance: Get him, man!
Sonic: Oh! You wanna dance, Vance? Take a prance through a forest on a 'shroom trance, I ask? Turn to ash when I catch a glance!
Joshua: Thought you was a Republican?
Sonic: Both sides can stuff it in! So can all the other parties that are 'tardy like the way that Cardi be! 'Cause, see, each politician is only wishin' to be as corrupt as the cuck who sees a guy dancin' with his wife, lady luck. Too weak to mess with me!
Joshua: Guess that's why they like Destiny!
Knuckles: Boom!
Tails: Shot 'im!
Joshua: Brim an' all! I'm a-
Sonic: CRIMINAL!!!
The music cuts out as a video pops up.
Sonic: My makeup good?
Knuckles: Looks just like Shadow.
Shadow: That's Black-Face!
Sonic: I plead the 1st!
Judge: Yes, that is not illegal.
Knuckles: Dude, just run in, run out, and don't stop.
Sonic: Dude. *Zip* *Zoom* Done!
Sonic: I paid for all that!
Schumer: You paid after the fact.
Sonic: That counts! I did it For The Video!
Judge: Hm.
Schumer: Is that blood on-
Sonic: Paint! It's paint.
Schumer: You did not have it on before, and the cashier Was injured.
Sonic: Can't prove it was me!
Schumer: No, but-
Vance: You said “No.” That's all you need to know.
Sonic: Thank You!
The music cuts back in.
Joshua: Findin' rhymes breezier when I'm cheesier than an easy nerd. Just, meme, scheme, and dive in it. All the John's whine. Dim gits!
Sonic: Not one's able to get my Slim bits. So, sit on that table to get a slice, piglets! So, be stable as I connect this cable to yo erected Babble, as hard as Havel. The Rock cannot stop the shock of this shot I got on lock. So, hop out yo socks. Wanna die, or not? Don't make me minimal, or take me literal.
Joshua: We murderin' syllables, 'cause-
Sonic: I'm a-CRIMINAL!!! Each time I flip up a rhyme and make it all mine, they say it's a crime, like I'm stealin' a dime. I guess I'm a-CRIMINAL!!!
Joshua: Don't gotta flip 'em the bird, just give 'em the word and keep goin'. Don't cow tow to no-one, 'cause I'm a-CRIMINAL!!!
Sonic: I Rest My Case!
The music fades out. Later, Joshua meets Sonic outside as he's being taken into a mental patient van.
Sonic: I guess this takes us full circle, huh? Or, does this take place before The Real {Fake} Shady?
Joshua: *Shrug* Either way, I know we'll meet again one day.
Sonic: On I'm Back, right?
Joshua: We did I'm Back.
Sonic: No, the other one that goes “I'm back!”
Joshua: Without Me?
Sonic: No, we'd sing it together.
Joshua: … Heh! See ya.
Sonic: Hey! We made it, yeah?
Joshua: *Smiles* Yeah. We made it.
They ride off in opposite directions and Joshua gets out at the sign at the end of the city they're in.
Joshua: … Just can't leave this town, can I?
The sign reads;
Silent Hill Zone
Knuckles voiced by Royce Da 5'9”
Tails voiced by 50 Cent
Sonic voiced by Slim Shady
Joshua voiced by Eminem
The End of the Marshall Mathers LP
