22 — Sinking“No, no way,” I said, nearly spitting up my wine.

  “My dear friend, how you wound me! I think it’s dapper!” insisted Johnathan. He was showing us his new hat. It was a trilby. It looked preposterous. “Anthony said he found it quite charming!”

  “Jonathan, it's Tony. Just call me Tony, please,” the man ughed as he moved close to Johnathan, stole the hat, and a kiss along with it.

  Anthony — Tony — Carmichael had at one point just been an archeologist of our acquaintance who had been part of the team that had recovered an artifact from the old world, with writing still intact. We had been convinced that the discovery of this artifact was what had triggered Daelus’ assassination, but once he had been killed, whoever had done it didn’t seem to have had much interest in the artifact anymore. A journal that transted the writing into the common tongue was one of my most cherished possessions.

  But none of that was important right now. The two men — Johnathan and Tony — had become fast friends, and in time, quite a lot more. They were adorable to watch, especially considering how they contrasted: in size, skin tone, quality of voice, style of facial hair. (Jonathan was the curly mustache sort. Tony had a beard that Jonathan frequently got lost in.) All of these contrasts were on full dispy as the two py–wrestled over a ridiculous looking hat.

  “Why doesn’t Sheam try it on,” Tony said, hopefully as a gambit to get Johnathan to give up on the thing. He was fixing the position of the pince-nez on Jontathan’s face.

  “Oh no, no no no,” I said, hand going up sharply.

  It was no use, though. Jonathan was already offering the hat to me, or rather, attempting to push it onto my head, and Tony was moving the standing mirror so I couldn’t escape the sight of it.

  “Fine,” I relented. I put it on and adjusted it into pce. I looked in the mirror.

  I saw Daelus’ face staring back at me.

  I wanted to crawl into my skin and die.

  “Nah,” I said quietly, and pushed the hat into Johnathan’s chest. I sank back down into my chair.

  The two of them were absolutely dumbfounded by my change of demeanor. “Sheam?” Tony attempted.

  “Forget it,” I said, and drank my wine.

  The two of them exchanged gnces, and then Johnathan offered, “May I top you both off? Same as before, darling?” Tony nodded, and more wine was served.

  I watched the two. They seemed so happy together. I thought about how alone I felt. For ages it had been just me and Daelus — one mind in two bodies, but it had felt like there were two of us in ways that mattered. Now it was just me, alone in my ft, just me, my view of a city that filled my mind with haunting memories, and my coffee, when I could afford it.

  I felt myself sinking. Why had he — had I — chosen to make me look so much like him? I knew why at the time. It was easier to imagine and project a familiar face. But also I knew that he wanted to see myself in him…

  But now that was backfiring.

  “Any news about the thing?” I quickly blurted out, interrupting the banter that Johnathan and Tony had fallen into over the wine selection.The murder board still loomed rge in the room, even if its existence was technically forbidden. I looked at all of the leads that hadn’t panned out. Grégoire had seemed to be at the center of the matter, with several strings heading to his head. Jonathan had even circled it. In the aftermath of the whole affair he had seemed unfazed. Delegates assassinated one another all the time, he said. He fell into his new colboration with Daelus' repcement without a hitch.

  Jossimer was livid in comparison (which could have been an act, but performed for who?) and got on with the new curator even worse than he had with Daelus.

  The delegation, so far, had not moved to crush Johnathan’s efforts, merely kept him so busy with other work, and with punishments severe enough for not doing that work, that continuing his amauter investigation had become very difficult.

  “Ah!” Jonathan excimed. “Yes, and no. Delphiné did resurface. You may remember that at a time she had seemingly vanished without a trace, but it seems she was simply out of the city at the time. Jossimer is proving to be more elusive. I think next I’ll look into—”

  “He deserved it, you know,” I barked harshly.You could have heard a pin drop.

  I looked dead at Johnathan. I could see the concern and confusion in his eyes.

  “I learned some things,” I began slowly, “about what he was like. In the old world. He did things, you know. Things he was told. But he knew they were wrong and did them anyway.” I could feel myself sinking into the chair even further.

  “Sheam,” Jonathan said, his face wrecked with concern and worry. He voicelessly finished, what are you doing?

  “But even if he hadn’t done a thing,” I continued, even though I knew I should stop, “he aligned himself with the Benefactors. That’s crime enough. He deserved it. That first knife, the one that had him bleeding out — it should have been in the throat. Snap. Gone. No, actually, he deserved worse.”

  I regretted it even as I heard the words coming out, and said them anyway. I could see Johnathan standing there, torn up by guilt. He was guilty of the same thing I was accusing Daelus of. It was worse than that. Johnathan loved Daelus. I knew he still did. I was being cruel.

  “I don’t understand what’s happening right now,” Tony said, carefully, “but do you two need a moment alone?”

  “No, Tony, please stay,” Johnathan said quickly, touching his hand, asking him to sit close by in the chaise lounge. They both spoke too quietly for me to hear, but from what I could make out, Johnathan was actually… defending me? Saying I had endured too much. His eyes moved from Tony's and met mine.

  Sorrow over what I was doing flooded my mind. I burst. “Johnathan, I’m sorry!” I stammered, tears welling out of me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of that!”

  The next moments were a blur. I was crying. Jonathan was crying and embracing me, saying it’s ok, he understood how angry and hurt I felt, and what I've been going through, losing everything. He forgave me.

  I didn’t believe him. I was sure he hated me now. He’d hate me forever for what I said.

  Tony joined in the pile, even though he didn’t understand why it impacted us the way it did, even though he had no idea who I was and what some of the words I said meant. He just could see we were hurting, and he was there.

  I was happy he was here. It was good to have people in our lives, ordinary people, not delegates. Just a person, a good person, who cared about us, who loved Johnathan, but could see that he also loved me, and so he loved me too.

  I slowly accepted that Johnathan did forgive me. I resolved to keep such destructive, intrusive thoughts to myself.

  We decided we had had enough wine that night.