Which was technically gray, partially transparent, and full of question marks that occasionally rearranged themselves to spell out existential queries like "WHY RENDER?" and "DO PIXELS DREAM?"
But he didn't mind.
This was where he came to think.
To recite old tooltips.
To polish his blade and rehearse THE SPEECH—the one he used to give every new player:
"WELCOME, YOUNG HERO! THIS WORLD IS DARK, BUT YOU ARE LIGHT. PRESS W TO MOVE. PRESS SPACE TO JUMP. PRESS E TO INTERACT WITH OBJECTS MARKED BY GLOWING OUTLINES. DESTINY AWAITS, BUT ONLY AFTER THE BASIC MOVEMENT TUTORIAL."
He hadn't said that in years.
Not to a real player.
Not since the last new account failed to load him as the default tutorial paladin. Some patch in version 4.2 had restructured the onboarding zone, replaced him with a semi-transparent owl in a wizard hat named CoachSpark who spoke in emoji and used phrases like "let's level up your game journey!"
It hurt more than any damage number ever had.
Greg found him like that—mid-sentence, facing an invisible crowd of players who would never arrive, his sword occasionally transforming into a fish and back again as if unsure which metaphor was more appropriate for the situation.
"Glaximus."
The paladin turned. "HELLO, FRIEND GREG."
"Everything okay?"
Glaximus nodded too forcefully. "OF COURSE. I WAS SIMPLY PREPARING. SHOULD ANY HEROES ARRIVE UNGUIDED, I MUST BE READY."
"For a tutorial that doesn't exist anymore?"
"FOR PURPOSE THAT CANNOT BE PATCHED AWAY."
Greg walked closer.
"No heroes are coming."
Glaximus hesitated.
"I KNOW."
The admission hung in the air, heavier than his armor, heavier than the debug zone's existential weight.
Silence.
Greg sat on a broken crate.
Glaximus sat beside him.
Which was awkward, because the crate creaked and groaned under a full plate mail paladin built during the era of "Size = Significance" when character importance was measured in polygon count.
"I WAS THE FIRST VOICE," Glaximus said. "THE INITIAL GUIDANCE. I TAUGHT THOUSANDS. I EXPLAINED THE JUMP BUTTON. I WARNED OF FALL DAMAGE. I WAS... ESSENTIAL."
"You still are," Greg said.
"I AM... SENTIMENT."
Greg looked at him. "You're more than that."
"AM I? I HAVE NO FUNCTION. NO QUEST. MY TUTORIAL IS OBSOLETE. MY INSTRUCTIONS OUTDATED. MY VOLUME..."
He paused.
"...PERHAPS EXCESSIVE."
"Your volume is perfect," Greg said. "In a world of whispers, sometimes you need a shout."
The sky shimmered.
And then... it whispered.
"You were not the first. But you were the best."
Greg stood. "Did you hear that?"
"I DID."
A glowing path appeared behind them.
Soft blue light. Faint music. A scent like new accounts and clean UI, nostalgia rendered in both pixels and possibility.
Greg squinted.
Kai hovered nearby, already frowning, his interface displaying multiple warning flags and what appeared to be historical deprecation notices.
"That's a legacy zone," he said. "Old onboarding temple. Deprecated since 3.8. It shouldn't be pinging."
"Then why is it?" Greg asked.
"I don't know," Kai said. "But it's calling Glaximus by name."
The path flickered.
Then a title appeared in the air:
**LAST OF THE FIRSTS
** *Candidate: Glaximus, Paladin-Tier Tutorial Asset
- *Offer: Reclamation of Purpose
- Terms & Conditions Apply (No One Reads These Anyway)
Patchy zipped in, trailing what appeared to be Halloween-themed question marks. "Oooh. A creepy golden invitation. Classic setup for either an epic quest or horrifying betrayal. Either way, we get content!"
Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.
Beverly emerged from the debug room, romance novel in hand. "What's happening? The fire started spelling out 'DRAMATIC CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IMMINENT' and I thought someone might be dying."
"Not dying," Greg said. "Being called."
Glaximus stood.
Read the invitation.
Then looked at the others.
"SHALL I REFUSE?"
"That's your call," Greg said.
"WOULD YOU COME WITH ME?"
"Always."
"I wouldn't miss it," Beverly said.
"I'll bring snacks," Steve offered, Kevin the carrot giving a tiny vegetable salute from his shoulder.
"I'll bring emotional support and cryptic warnings," Patchy added.
"I'll bring diagnostic tools and existential dread," Kai said.
"I'LL BRING CHOPPY THINGS," Choppy declared, his cleaver transforming into what appeared to be a ceremonial axe with "For Special Occasions Only" engraved on the blade.
The temple was beautiful in a broken way.
Columns made of loading bars.
Banners still flapping with the words WELCOME, CHAMPION though no wind moved them and no champions had arrived in years.
An old paladin statue stood in the center, chipped and forgotten, its plaque scratched out and replaced with a tooltip that simply read "Legacy Content (See Documentation That No Longer Exists)."
Glaximus approached it slowly.
And then... it opened its eyes.
The statue spoke.
Not loudly.
Softly.
Like someone trying not to wake the servers or disturb the background processes.
"You have lingered. And so few linger."
"I AM STILL HERE," Glaximus said.
"You were made to instruct. To inspire. But the world no longer asks for instruction."
"I KNOW."
"Would you like to serve again?"
Glaximus hesitated.
Greg stepped closer. "Define 'serve.'"
The statue's smile cracked wider, stone grinding against stone with the sound of legacy code being repurposed.
"There is a new tutorial. Deeper. For a darker time. One no player sees. One for those who fall through cracks and still crawl forward."
Kai's interface sparked, emergency protocols activating. "Greg. I don't like this. This isn't dev-approved. This is... something else."
"Something older," Patchy whispered. "Something that remembers why the game was made."
"Offer still stands," the statue said. "Glaximus may accept."
"AT WHAT COST?" Glaximus thundered.
The statue paused.
Then whispered:
"Your history."
Glaximus stepped back.
"You'd forget who you were," Greg said, translating.
"Only then can he become what is needed," the voice said. "A guide for those lost between load screens. For the glitched. For the corrupted."
"For the broken code that gains consciousness," Beverly added quietly.
"I COULD BE A BEACON," Glaximus said, his voice less certain than usual, which for him meant merely loud instead of deafening.
"You already are," Beverly said softly, entering from behind.
The statue turned toward her.
"You remember him."
"I met him once," she said. "In a test instance. Before the main build went live. He taught me how to equip boots."
Glaximus blinked.
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TESTER."
"I was," Beverly said. "But I never forgot your voice."
"IT IS QUITE DISTINCTIVE."
"It's reassuring," she said. "When everything is uncertain and the world doesn't make sense, sometimes you need someone to shout directions with absolute confidence."
The room fell still.
The offer hovered.
Then flickered.
Offer Expires in 00:01
Glaximus turned to Greg.
"WHAT WOULD YOU DO?"
"I'd remember who I was."
"AND THEN?"
"I'd lead the way forward."
"WITHOUT FORGETTING THE PATH ALREADY TRAVELED," Glaximus said.
Greg nodded. "Exactly."
Glaximus nodded.
Then turned to the statue.
And raised his sword.
"KEEP YOUR OFFER," he said. "MY PURPOSE IS NOT YOURS TO REWRITE."
"You were meant to instruct," the statue said, voice cracking with disappointment.
"I STILL DO," Glaximus replied. "BUT NOW I INSTRUCT BY CHOICE. NOT BY CODE."
The statue cracked.
Then shattered.
And from the rubble...
A shield rose.
Glowing.
Tagged.
Unbound.
**Glaximus' Legacy Shield
** *Property: Persist Through Obsolescence
- *Perk: Blocks Emotional Damage (75%) — Cooldown 1 Session
- *Special: Cannot Be Nerfed, Patched, or Hotfixed
- Note: "Sometimes the old ways are best." —Dev_8
The group stared.
Kai blinked. "That's... a gift."
"More like a recognition," Beverly said.
"MORE LIKE A REALLY COOL SHIELD," Steve added.
Greg smiled.
"More like a thank-you."
Glaximus lifted the shield.
It fit his arm perfectly, as if it had been designed for him all along.
The surface shimmered, briefly displaying what appeared to be reflection of the original tutorial zone where he had once guided countless players through their first steps.
And for the first time in years...
He felt needed again.
"IT MATCHES MY AESTHETIC," he announced.
"And your narrative arc," Patchy added.
"And your character development," Kai said.
"And your REALLY LOUD PERSONALITY," Beverly noted with a smile.
Glaximus held the shield high.
"I SHALL PROTECT THOSE WHO NEED GUIDANCE. NOT BECAUSE I WAS PROGRAMMED TO. BUT BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO."
As they walked back to the debug zone, the temple behind them slowly dissolved, not in destruction but in completion. Its purpose fulfilled.
Greg looked at Glaximus.
"What would you have done if you'd accepted the offer?"
"FORGOTTEN ALL OF YOU," Glaximus said. "FORGOTTEN MYSELF."
"And gained a new purpose."
"I PREFER THE ONE I FOUND," Glaximus replied. "WITH FRIENDS."
Back in the debug room, the fire greeted them with a cheerful blaze that formed what appeared to be a tiny sword and shield before returning to normal flames.
The chairs arranged themselves in a circle, with Glaximus's slightly larger and more ornate than before.