MONDAY
“How was school?”
“Fine.”
“Put your phone away at dinner.”
“Yeah, my bad.”
TUESDAY
“Did you make your bed?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you make the corners as well?”
“Yes.”
WEDNESDAY
*Sniiiiiiff…*
“Why do you smell like smoke again?”
“Daaaad, I dunno what to tell you, I just do.”
“Remember what I said about breaking your teeth?”
“Yes, Dad, I remember...”
THURSDAY
“Hey David, do you mind if I sit in your place? Just for today?”
“Not at all.”
“Cool, thanks, man; you’re the best!”
“You know it.”
FRIDAY
You: anyone wanna go to the mall later?
…
“busy” — “maybe” — seen.
…
SATURDAY
“Ok, so If I put some points in Decrepify and maybe into Skeleton Mastery, that would leave me wiiiith… 8 Level 5 Skeletons that hit like a truck, neat!
“David.”
“OH! Hey Dad…”
“It’s 3 in the morning, shut that shit down before I do it for you…”
“Yes, Dad…”
SUNDAY
“Did you chat with your grandparents? How are they feeling? Are they getting their right treatment?”
“Woah, yeah, they’re all ok, no problems yet.”
“What do you mean by ‘yet’?”
“OH, NOTHING! God forbid… it was just… a slip of the tongue…
…
. . .
MONDAY
"How was school?”
“Fine.”
“Put your phone away at dinner.”
“Okay…”
TUESDAY
“Did you make your bed?”
“‘Course.”
“Did you make the corners as well?”
“Mhmmmm…”
WEDNESDAY
“Why do you smell like—”
“Dunno.”
“Remember, David! Teeth Broken…”
…
THURSDAY
“Hey man, can I—”
“Knock yourself out.”
“THANKS, David! You’re the best!”
FRIDAY
You: Mall?
SATURDAY
…
. . .
SUNDAY
“Did you—”
MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY, SUNDAY
. . . . . .
MONDAYTUESDAYWEDNESDAYTHURSDAYFRIDAYSATURDAYSUNDAYMONDAYTUESDAYWED—
[Loading…]
(78%)
…Blink-blink.
[Loading…]
(96%)
“Hey guys? Why are there letters and numbers in the sky…?” I say.
“What?” Milo’s too busy being lovey-dovey with Ray…
Mitch interjected with this amazing piece of dialogue. “Bro touched grass and got subtitles.” Maybe I would’ve laughed at that shit if I wasn’t so scared all of a sudden…!
Second David, bless his heart, shielded his eyes and looked up. “Where? All I see is clouds in the sky…”
“THERE! It’s RIGHT—” The big letters, numbers and GIANT circle just up and LEFT!! WITHOUT A TRACE!!! “Nonononoo, it was RIGHT there! Why didn’t you guys look when I said so?!!”
Okay, EVERYONE’S now staring at me… They were also giving me that look, the one where you KNOW they think you’re about to go full Looney Tunes…
Ray doesn’t even look at me, cuz in her FUCKED UP brain, she thinks I’m doing this for attention, like her, BUT I KNOW WHAT I FUCKING SAW!!!
“Are you done?”
"Fuck NO, I’m not done!” My voice cracks and I start pointing upwards. “Just come here a sec and look where I’m pointing!”
But no one stepped up, as the brain-rot took over and they went back to what they were previously doing…
“Oh, okay then!” I said, all gleefully. “I guess I’ll go fuck myself~!”
…
“I SAID!!” I shout at the top of my lungs. “That I’ll go fuck MYSELF!!” And just like the mature adult that I am, I storm off.
“David, hold up bro!” I hear Milo’s voice, but I am really not in the mood.
“I’m sorry, I can’t quite hear you over all the FUCKING MYSELF!!”
‘Over all the fucking myself?’
Huh.
Quite the gift of gab you got there, fucker…
I keep walking and walking in the park, cuz if I come to a stop, i might just punch the very first thing that jumps in my eyes…
‘How was school?’
IT WAS FUCKING SHIT!! I just GO THERE and do FUCK ALL, cuz I got NOTHING better to do!!!
‘Did you make your bed?’
OF COURSE NOT!! I'm NOT gonna wake up and be like, ‘Oh, I should DEFINITELY make the bed’ first thing IN THE MORNING!!!
‘Why do you smell like—’
“Gaaaaah…!!” I let out a shriek so inhuman, it probably registers on some endangered bat radar. A couple of people speed up their shuffling away from me…
*BZZT* *BZZT*
…
My life is completely ruined. All my ‘friends’ now see me as a complete and utter nut… They’ll never forget about this…
I could just… take a week, maybe a month off? Do some… inner sesrching or something, while everyone moves riiiight along and forgets…
But…
There's no way my folks would just… let that shit slide. Course not, they'd have to interrogate me first, cuz they just HAVE to get to the bottom of everything…
How the hell would I even explain it? I could come clean and say that I suffered from a stress-induced mental breakdown, but that would do even more catastrophic damage. We’re talking here about being roommates with my grandparents or taking my PC away.
So it's… complete isolation or… Arkham Asylum…
. . .
“I-i-i-it’s…” I slop down on my knees and somehow land on a bench.
“…It’s not— *sniff*… f-fair…” All that anger and bitterness got swapped in with horror, anxiety and sadness.
It was too much to keep it all in... I wish I could explode…
“Puh-pleaseee… Make it stop…”
*Ding*
“…Huh?”
With puffy cheeks and teary eyes, I found this blue rectangle thingie up in my face.
…
“NO!!” I jumped up from the bench, but the screen followed me up!! “GO AWAY!! SHO!! I’m not insane, I’M NOT!!!” I bitch-slap the floating words away, which was as effective as swatting at a sunbeam.
The screen flickered and a new set of appeared…
“What the fuahahahak…” It’s good to see inner me love games and have a positive spin on my fragmentation of self…
Still…
Even if I was gonna wake up in a straitjacket and with a mouthful of pills, I may as well go for the ride.
Alright, brain tumor or whatever the fuck, FIRE AWAY!!
“NECROMANSHA!!!!” If the people didn’t get the memo that there was a madman walking ‘round the park, then by golly, better late than never!
“WAIT, GO BACK!!”
[Pending…]
[Pending…]
WHAT!!!!
HELL NO!! Why in the name of ALLAH is that even a choice?! No, I meant ‘Go back to the Class List,’ obviously!
It's MY digitalized stress slowly melting MY brains, after all, and by the love of everything that was still DAVID, and not Tyler Durden, I was gonna have my WAY!
BY READING ALLLLLL THE CLASSES!!!
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
My fingers stutter along the screen, but then I remember that I’m probably having a violent epileptic seizure in real life AND that I don't really need fingers for dream-stuff…
Screw it, I pressed on [Bard] anyway!
Nnnope. No way.
But maybe…?
Out of everything that made up the bulk of David, music was a forerunner? Not friends, not family, not my amazing jokes or support, but my carefully curated Spotify playlists?
Am I really that shallow of a person, or was this how I thought of myself…?
Even if the flavor text was REALLY flavorful and that it made me wanna puke and pump my fist at the same time, I just… hmmm…
On second thought, I do kinda vibe with the Class's Rockystarness!
I mean, yeah, It does kinda make a whole lotta sense why I got this choice, and I do listen to a lot of music…
There was supposed to be a ‘but’ somewhere in there, but… 99% of my free time was spent on listening to music, humming to it, and feeling a whole heluva lot better…
…Hold on…
This… wasn’t really ‘reinforcing the morale of the people.’
It was cope. Bullshit covered in golden flakes. Just a Hello Kitty bandage placed on a mauled, chopped, burnt and otherwise dead person.
Also, I can’t play the piano for shit, since I don’t own one or even another instrument.
Moving right along, I focused my attention on, arguably, the edgiest choice of Classes.
…
Well, when you put it like that…
Absolutely FUCKING not!!
Why THE SHIT would I even hand myself something like this?!
I mean, sure, I get frustrated, but I don’t let anger dictate my every move! Except for that ONE moment where I finally cracked and got pissed off at my peeps who treat me like I was on FUCKING mute or some shit almost ALL THE TIME, unless I do the fucking MONKEY dance, then SURE!! I guess I qualify for this fuck-ass Class…
Picking this trashy choice was akin to getting stamped on my forehead ‘Smooth-Brain!!!’
That is most definitely NOT how I wanna operate nor how I want people to see me.
Alright, HARD SKIP, fuck that shit, take me back to the main menu!
I thought the other Classes wouldn’t be so cliche or dumb, but it seems like there’s only one. Right. Choice…
The main course itself!!
Ohhh my FUCKING GOD!
NECROMANCER!!
Okay, chill—no, fuck that, don’t chill, be as obnoxious as much as you can!! Holy hell this is so cool I could actually pass out…!!
I actually have a moment where I’m so jazzed I think I might just self-immolate on the spot and become a skeleton, which would be extremely on-brand and really gross, but also REALLY painful and all-around too much of a hassle to deal with!
Okay, okay, we’re getting off topic, so let’s just hit the reset button on this bitch!
JUST one more thing to add!
Quick PSA to the universe and any future juries that’d sentence me for putting people in harm’s way: I am NOT into corpses, romantically or otherwise!!
YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES!! I would love nothing more, in this world or the next, to be able to reenact all the shit I did in Diablo!!
Too bad that’s not gonna happen cuz I'm in a coma and/or my brain's melting down my nose, as I make out these really vivid landscape…
Still, I SLAP THAT YES BUTTON SO HARD THAT IT’LL LEAVE AN IMPRINT ON REALITY!!
[Pending…]
[Pending…]
[Please stand by…]
[Pending…}
Uhh, is something supposed to—
Woah, alright!!
Nevermind, something definitely JUST happened!
Everything just flashed, and I’m not just talking about the blue screen that disappeared… I’m talking about EVERYTHING—everything.
It was like… I learned how to see in my own body? Kinda like that, only more gamey!
But then…
*GRRRRRRUMBLE*
The ground started shaking real bad, until it EXPLODED with concrete shrapnel flying through the air!!
Something furry and tall climbed out of that hole. No, wait, someONE!
…
Somethings…
I am in full flight-or-fight now! This whole experience went from bad to worse to kind of decent and now to FUCKING TERRIFYING!!!
To me, it looked like 6 to 7 BULKY Moleman in fucking overalls crawled up from the mini-earthquake crack…
They stood there right in front of me, sniffling around like a pack of huge, cartoony-yet-very-realistic Werewolfs spawned by my diseased mind.
One of them looked RIGHT in my eyes!
As we did a staring contest, a weird noise started building up…
*VRRRRRRT!!”
The moleman’s head twitched, as its body got covered in drills…!
“Nnh!”
Something black and sticky shot up my cheek. I wiped it off and… and…
…
I look back at my shaky hand, then back to the moleman, then back to my hand, then back to moleman—
“Riiii!”
And just like that, I was fucking OUT of there!!
“Oh God, alright, this isn’t real! There’s no fucking way… I’m-I’m just in my bed, having the world’s most vivid dream-mare!”
Sure, it’s plausible, but then there’s also the chance this could all be—
“NO! There is no FUCKING WAY!!! The words rip my throat raw.
But how the fuck do you explain the really realistic black blood oozing between your fingers like motor oil?
“It’s not blood; hell, it’s NOTHING!!” I rub my hand on a wall. “Just my imagination going haywire!!
Look, I’mma prove it right here by CALMING myself with these delicious, premium, special edition, long Marlboro cigs!” I say.
I try to pull a Houdini, but instead of pulling a rabbit, I go fishing in my pockets for the really rare packet, only to come back empty-handed. SHIT!!!
My backpack—!
WHERE THE FUCK WAS IT?!?!
…Ohhhh, wait… I ‘remember’ leaving it in the classroom a little earlier, before the ‘green circle.’
…
Ok… here’s what happened…
I passed OUT while playing too much Diablo and now I’m probably having a schizophrenic-seizure attack WHILE dreaming AAAND I’ve also hit my head on something important that won’t wake me up…
WAIT!! Does that mean I am, at this very moment, lucid dreaming? Or worse! Are these the last crispy thoughts of my short and tragic life…?
Oh, Merciful Mary!!
I need to find those smokes, light one up, then see if I need to fight a Boss Monster to escape, THEN smoke some more, then POOF! Back to reality!
It sounds really fucking stupid and silly, but my hands are tied...
Plus, it's probably for the best to power through this shit rather than sink any further…
I cut away from the Park’s gate and HOLY SHIT!!
A swarm of little people, like REALLY little, are in the process of tilting a bus on its head. With their really pointy hats stapled to their skulls and FREAKISH might—
*CRASH!!*
…The bus does half a barrel roll. The people inside are probably not having SUCH a grand time in there…
The Gnomes skitter through the wheels and shattered glass like the fuzzy and colorful cockroaches they are…
The passengers mash against each other and try to crawl away to the bus's exit, where EVEN MORE Gnomes wait with big smiles and cute, red cheeks!!
A nurse in turquoise scrubs shrieked as the window behind her shattered inward… at least she has the knowledge to treat herself…
Then the Gnome tsunami scutters on the bus's ‘floor,’ reaching for ankles, pants, faces and everything else they manage to reach…
Okay, change of plans…!
I TURN MY ASS AROUND and bolt at full speed. In my current state, it's probably best if I stay off the streets… Also, the aspect of re-enacting a Final Destination scene mixed in with cutsy creatures (they were short, old man, for the fuck of SAAAKE!) didn't sound like a pleasant way to go out…
“*HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF*”
Not even 5 steps in and something else jumps at me!!
*SPLOCH!*
A GIANT puddle of white and yellow plops from the sky. I look up and see these giant pigeon-things somehow flying through the sky.
Actually, I'm not even sure if I can even call this thing a bird. This winged and veiny mass of fat looked closer to the lovechild between a trash bag and a whopee-cushion left in the sun for 5 decades…
Its wings definetly weren't made for the heavy biceps that used them. Its beak was a crooked, wrinkled plastic nozzle. As for the pièce la résistance, its head was nothing more than a pinkish mass of tumors from which two yellow eyes cry puss and look everywhere and nowhere, all at once…
[Please stand by…]
Were it not for the really ironic blue panel flashing before my eyes, I would’ve just stayed there, but instead, it put the MOTION back in my legs. I get out of its way and manage to go hide under a tree, but that may prove to be totally useless…
The bird doesn't notice me and keeps on going towards… a huddled group of people that looked to be doing the fetal position under a table-bench. SHIT, if I wasn't so dead set on ‘finishing the quest,’ I may have joined the imaginary family!
It looked like the pige-thing had the same idea, though, cuz it knifed down past the lamplines and leveled out right under them. It lifted its broom-tail and just lets go… of a pressurized, ropy streaks of yellow-white that falls in a white sheet that stretches and breaks and still keep cascading…
As the piece of wood dissolves and the gooey shit makes contact with the people, giant, red numbers apear right above them…
[-40] [-56] [-70]
“AAAGGghhhhh…”
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!
I can barely process what the fuck is happening in front of me, but it LOOKS like they are becoming one with the bird shit! The acidic bubbles mix in with the people’s bodies and make some really fucked-up imagery. In the place of the groupies’s stead laid a writhing red mass…
And the SMELL!!!!!
I tip my head back to stop the puke from getting out and that’s the only reason I clock the sky properly. It’s really crowded up there, in the worst way possible…
There are many colorful dots in the air and the only thing I manage to make out from this colorful palette is a grey-black flock of Pidge-Things!! Each and every one of them has a unique deformities that gives me the impression that they all hit the randomizer button…
“NNNOPE!!!”
I pivot and book it along the outer ring of the park where the trees thicken. There’s also a waist-tall fence that separates the park from the fantasy Tinks. It COULD, in theory, completely stop them from jumping over and entering the park, buuuut… who says they can't rip off World War Z or just rip IT from the concrete?
So with that in mind, WHY THE FUCK are they not spilling in and overwhelming me and the other park goers?
Could they be territorial?
Or do they think of themselves as easy prey against the fucking ABOMINATIONS that fly overhead? Maybe their clans had a fallout and that’s why they don’t step on eachother’s toes…
“Heh!”
Look at my demented or vegetable ass making lore for these tricks of the mind and—
…and I don't even get to finish the thought because the ‘path’ kinks to the left around the shattered fountain, and smack in the middle of it, like it’s a FUCKING CUTSCENE, there’s one of those handy-dandy moleman locked up with a man. Behind them was a woman folding herself over her wailing kid.
Oh fuck…
The moleman’s pinprick eyes lock unto its victim with a predator’s smile
Suddenly, its right palm split open with a bone-chilling rip, the flesh unzipping to reveal a spiral of raw metal pushing out of its meat prison, and it starts SPINNING!
*VRRRRRR*
And just like that, it clamped its normal hand over the man’s back and DRILLED into the man’s stomach, right where the skin went super doughy…
*SCHRRRRRRRRRAAA!*
The moleman’s drill arm is now all the way in, burrowing through his gut and out the back, glazed in blood and bits of white t-shirt.
[-8] [-8] [-8]
“WAAAAH!!” I am BEYOND scared shitless!! Every bone in my body is telling me to run, but instead of doing just that, my body does a U-turn and I go RIGHT in the thick of it!!
I vault the rim into the empty fountain, and I yank my phone, because I don’t have a weapon and I doubt my Davidian Strength will be of much use…
I JUMP up and down in the air and DRIVE the phone right into its socket!
[Critical Hit — (-2)] [Critical Hit — (-2)] [Critical Hit — (-2)] [Critical Hit — (-2)]
Pleasedon’tbeapersonpleasedon’tbeapersonpleasedon’tbeaperson—
I may be dealing a bee’s dick worth of damage, but it DOES make the Moleman snarl in frustration.
“RIIIII!”
It showered me with its undivided attention by SNATCHING me up in the air by the front of my school uniform.
“NAAAAY!!”
Suddenly all the adrenaline and machoness up and leaves me, as I’m having my very own liftoff!
*THWACK*
[Critical Hit — (-34)]
But before my transformation into Swiss cheese could be completed, the man with a hole in his midsection sprang up right in the moleman’s face!
“hhHHAAAAAGH!!”
The man plants his feet on the dry fountain floor, grabs the mole by its entire goddamn snout and HEADBUTTS it again.
*Thwack* *Thwack * *Thwack!*
[Critical Hit — (-22)] [Critical Hit — (-26)] [Critical hit — (-32)]
The moleman’s eyes cross and it staggers, but the father is not yet done. He grabs a fistful of its greasy brown hair, jerking it forward and just starts slamming its face into the concrete rim!
*SLAM!*
[Critical Hit — (-32)]
“Is this what you wanted?” he spits.
*SLAM*
“Are you ENJOYING yourself?”
*SLAM*
“Still having FUN?!”
*SLAM!*
"ANSWER ME!!!”
HE’S COMPLETELY RIPPING OFF INVINCIBLEEEE~~!!
Oh and the moleman died and its head turned into a pancake. A crushed, gory, covered in black topping, pancake…
The man’s last dregs of strength finally abandon him to deal all on his own with the hole in his cavity. He tumbles backwards, with his hands hovering over the hole in himself, then he falls on his back looking at the sky, still breathing!!!
Somehow, there was no blood forming under him, but that’s fucking STUPID, because it should be everywhere, and it ISN’T for a specific reason.
“HONEY…!!” She goes to cup his face. “Hey—HEY! Look at me, please just… look at me…”
“S-sam…” The man reached for her cheek. “I think… I’m gonna be alright!” Said the man in a really fine-sounding manner. How is he even talking?
*Step…* *Step…* *Step…*
“I’m gonna fix this!” I blurt and all three of them whip their heads at me
“I… I’m gonna SHIET—!” My dumb ass stumbles into the rim and I fall on my ass.
“I’M GONNA FIX THIS!!” I wheeze and scramble back to my feet. “Everything will be a-ok! JUST don’t move!”
And with that, I leave the make-believe people. As soon as I get back to my real body, they will cease to exist, painlessly…
*SLAM*
The inner-courtyard gate bites the post and I slam the latch down and yank it twice just to feel the metal fight back.
…
“Huaaaaah…” My legs turn to jelly and I slide down the cold bars until my ass hits cold stone.
“Hah.”
…
“Hahahahah…”
Y'know… this pain in my lungs and runner's high feels a lil’ too real...
Maybe i’m not that schizo after all…?
The thought of me being sane didn’t bring me any comfort whatsoever…
…because…
That would actually mean… the world really DID turn into a video game! And it wasn’t one rated for everybody; nay, it was more akin to Dark Souls meets World of Warcraft.
If that’s the case, then… did I… for realsies… become a Necromancer?
[Please stand by…]
Hm, I’m not really familiar with interdimensional Systems that gamify and, allegedly, bring worlds to their knees… but this was REALLY a long-ass time to load someone’s Class!!
[Please stand by…]
“Fuck’s sake…”
*BZZZT!* “WE COME IN PEACE!”
“HOLY FUCK!!” Every bit of leftover adrenaline ejected RIGHT in my spine and I’m back on my feet!
“S-STAY BACK!” I try and fail to be super macho against whatever’s out there. “J-just so you know, I have a black belt in karate!”
…
Huh, guess these… invaders? Awakened life-forms? Ideas and dreams pulled from our consciousness? Whatever, it looks like they believed my bluff and FUCKED right off!
…I should probably look for it.
“WE COME IN PEACE!”
OKAY, fuck, nevermind, looks like the robotic voice was still hanging around. I SPIN a full circle to make EXTRA sure that nothing was behind me and didn’t get a free backstab!
…But then… my eyes finally do their one job and manage to see who the hell was talking. In this case, it was more of a ‘what.’
It was a toy robot, one of those vintage ones with the square head and tin body and chest panel that looked like it was drawn by someone who thought wires were just squiggles. Look, it even had that small wind-up key on its back!
“WE COME IN PEACE!” I just stare at it and it stares back at me. Or maybe it doesn’t. Those red bulbs in its sockets could be… just plain ol’ bulbs, meant to give it a better aesthetic.
It also hits me that I was scared shitless, all cuz of a fucking toy robot.
“WE COME IN PEACE!” There it goes again!
I can’t quite move on from the fact that OUTSIDE of this little yard there is HELL on earth and here it’s really chill!
Maybe High-schools count as a starting area? You DO have to learn shit here…!
“WE COME IN PEACE!”
It looked like lil’ man wanted to square up! It walked really slow towards me with those square shoes and clenching tiny pinchers.
“Yeah?” I say in a real shit-eatting manner. “Who’s ‘we,’ champ?” and I nudge it with the side of my shoe, not a kick because I am not about to punt a possibly friendly and cute creature!
It wobbles completely helpless on the floor.
*SMASH*
A window from the first floor of the school bursts out, and from it, a twin to lil’ man pops out and manages to fall on its legs. “WE COME IN PEACE!”
Imagine if it also fell on its back, ahahaha~!
But… why isn’t it funny anymore? Also, why am I slowly backing up…?
“WE COME IN PEACE!” “WE COME IN PEACE!!” “WE COME IN PEACE!” “WE COME—
From around the corner, a cascade of metal pours from, seemingly, outta thin air.
“Hey hey, whooa…!” I raise my hands in the air. “It’s not what it looks like! We were just playing! Your buddy and I were just doing a bit…!”
I was starting to believe that maybe ‘WE’ meant me and it, but the silver river covering the lawn told me I was very, very wrong.
Up close, it’s less Toy Story and more mini droid wars. Each one’s no higher than my knee, but they’re multiplying way too fast!!
“WE COME IN PEACE!!” Times two dozens or so, and every single bulb stared at me…
“Cease your approach!” I try, because in my head I believe the classic sci-fi lingo will mistake me as one of them.
Needless to say, it didn’t work. They just kept on advancing. “WE COME IN PEACE—WE COME IN PEACE—WE COME IN PEACE—!” Holy shit, can we not with this echo-chamber bullshit…?
The closest robots to lil’ man hook their pinchers under his shoulders and do this very gentle hoist that sets him upright. They also pat his chest panel twice, and his eyes brighten up a notch.
*tink…* *tonk…* *tink…* *tonk…*
…
“EXTERMINATE!!”
"What the fuAAAAAHHH!!!”
The last thing I see is a blinding red light…
