(Journal — Robby, Age 8)

  Need food.

  I can feel it. My stomach keeps growling like a wild animal in my chest.

  I will go to town tomorrow to get more. Not going to use up my mergency stash just because I’m hungry.

  I will be careful. I promise.

  Mom. Dad. I did bad. I didnt do good at all. Ok ok i know, start from the beginning.

  The next morning was gray. A little drizzle. Not enough to hide me, not enough to scare anyone.

  I walked, counting steps, listening to the wind, watching the street. Empty. Too empty.

  I almost missed the first machine. My hands shook. Hunger made them shake. ARKNAD whispered: “Steady, captain. Eyes wide, hands ready.”

  I peeked around the corner. Nothing.

  I swiped my hand.

  I didn’t check behind the other side.

  Then I saw him.

  The guardian. White armor. Blue lights. Hands bigger than my head. Moving too fast.

  I froze.

  He swung his hand. My arm was still in the machine. SNAP.

  I screamed. Pain exploded. Everything went white and red in my head. I fell back, clutching my arm.

  The guardian stepped closer.

  Not cruel. Not angry. Just… there. Like a big stupid rock blocking the path.

  ARKNAD shouted: “BE BRAVE! DODGE! DODGE!”

  I did. I rolled. I kicked at the back of his knee, like ARKNAD taught me in pretend practice. My other hand grabbed the shock lance from his belt. I jabbed the thing right at his face. Sparks. Blue light. The guardian went down, just enough for me to fall backward.

  I ran. Pain and fear and ARKNAD yelling at me in my head all at once.

  I ran until I couldn't anymore then I hid behind a dumpster. My arm throbbed. My head hurt from banging it when I fell.

  I bit my lip. I had survived.

  I had escaped.

  But…

  I had been stupid. Im sorry I was stupid. I need to take a nap. I will write more later

  Ok feeling better now. I got back to the fort. I read the Boy Scout book.

  It helped me calm down.

  I made a splint out of sticks and strips of my old shirt. ARKNAD helped. He said “Captain, sometimes you fix yourself with what you have. No one else will.”

  It hurt. I had to rip the shirt. I cried a little.

  The book said I had to set the bone. I read it a bunch of times first.

  I got a stick and bit it then i put my broke arm under my foot and i pulled.

  I did it slow. It hurt so bad.

  ARKNAD kept yelling at me to be tougher that you would never come back if i can’t even fix my arm.

  I got it though i felt it snap into place. Then i wrapped it with sticks. Then i think i fell asleep.

  But my arm feels better now. I can move it without the bone moving… not perfect. But better.

  I practiced holding the gun again, just in case. Its hard to fire with one hand.

  ARKNAD says dont do stupid things if you cant fix it yourself.

  I fix it i think. Good enough at least.

  It still hurts so bad.

  I need a shirt too.

  Im sorry I cried. I know thats not being brave

  .

  I was stupid. I was lucky.

  I should have looked first.

  I should have been smarter.

  I thought ARKNAD would be proud but I think he was yelling at me inside my head too.

  My arm hurts real bad. My head is throbbing. I can feel it on the side of my face.

  I think maybe the guardian didn’t even care. It didn’t chase long. Just… looked at me. Like I was a bug it didn’t bother to squish.

  I am eating some of my mergency food. But i dont have a lot of that

  I need more.

  I will go back tomorrow.

  I have to.

  I went back into town today cuz i still needed food. I borrowed more clothes. Birthday clothes. A new shirt, pants, jacket. No shoes tho, people don’t put shoes out to dry.

  I used rabbit pelts as shoes and cut up an old tire for the bottom part. They smell like smoke and fur. ARKNAD says that makes me a good pirate.

  I feel a little proud.

  I deserve it.

  My arm hurts today bad. I checked the book and unwrapped and fixed it better. But it still hurts. Its not a funny color or anything. Well i mean it is but reading the book its not TOO funny of a color. Just bruised. I drew myself a medic merrit badge. The book says scouts get merit badges for doing things so i think i earned this one.

  Its my fault, i didnt listen. You said if i go to town they would break my wings and halo and you were right.

  But its ok, i fixed my wing and my head bump is going down now.

  Im hungry but i ate some green air and went back to sleep today. Sorry i know im not suppose to be lazy but today ill just have to be bad.

  Im sorry. Im not brave today.

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  The first can of pellets are almost gone. I used them carefully. I aim at stumps. I practice. I hope I can hit a rabbit next time instead of just using snares. May be a tree rat too. Using the corn as bait has helped me catch enough rabbits that I am not so hungry all the time.

  The fishing pole is still stupid, but I practice every day. Maybe I will catch something soon. I’m making a fishing hook from a rabbit bone but it’s hard to make with one hand.

  I eat plants again. Green air. Not enough. But enough to keep moving.

  ARKNAD says: “The universe doesn’t feed anyone who waits. You make your own luck, captain.”

  I like that. It makes me feel brave even when my arm hurts.

  I am still learning. School work. Math. Reading.

  I read the OmniPad every day. Even when my head hurts. Even when I wanted to cry from hunger.

  I am keeping up. I am ahead in some stuff. Maybe.

  I am not giving up.

  I got some corn from the field again. I took a whole backpack full and it's in the car safe. I don't know how to plant it to make more so I’ll just eat it.

  I got more corn today.

  Is still not really fully grown yet but i was hungry and needed more than green air and rabbit to eat.

  Arm still broken but it doesnt hurt cept when I bump it. I know what dad would say.

  Dont bump it and it wont hurt i told myself in dads voice. Dad always had jokes. ARKNAD laughed so hard he fell down on his but.

  I miss you.

  I tried to build part of the spaceship today.

  Engines. Not working yet. Too many pieces.

  Probably work better if i had more than old cereal boxes.

  ARKNAD says: “Fail fast. Fail smart. Fail better next time.”

  I like him.

  Oh boy I’ve been busy. Thought i should write it down before it all falls out of my head again.

  I found a new survival book on the OmniPad. Yes I’m still doing my homework I promise but this is important. It had pictures of something called a dugout. It’s like a cave fort but smaller. You dig into the earth and build walls. Keeps you warm, safe, and hides you.

  I decided to make one.

  I can only work with one arm for now. The other is splintered. That makes everything slower. ARKNAD says: “All captains have trials, some worse than pirates in space. At least you still have two legs! I only got one and a peg!”

  First, I needed tools. I took scrap metal I found going into town. One piece became an axe, one a shovel. Not perfect. Not pretty. One-handed work is hard. ARKNAD says “Captain, function over fancy.”

  I went to the edge of the creek. There’s a spot where the water washed some dirt away long ago. Perfect.

  I started digging. Hard. My hands blistered, my back ached. Dirt everywhere. ARKNAD told me to whistle to keep my spirits up. I did. Made up a song about him fighting guardians with a laser sword and stealing seven dinners in a row.

  I pretended the shovel was a space missile launcher. “FIRE!” I shouted. Dirt flew. ARKNAD saluted.

  Cutting slightly bigger trees than the sticks for the first fort was next. Branches and small trunks. I dragged them, arranged them, tested to be sure they would not fall down.

  I kept imagining ARKNAD as a lumberjack pirate shouting: “Chop faster, captain! We’ve got a nebula to plunder!”

  The ground sloped weird. Some dirt was clay. Some was just dirt. How do you know the difference? I poked, smelled, felt, squished. I think I got it right.

  The fireplace. ARGH. Rocks. Heavy rocks. I rolled them, dragged them, stacked them. Then clay. Tried shaping it. Some kept crumbling. Some stuck too much. Sweat in my eyes. Dirt in my hair. Blisters on my palms. ARKNAD said “Patience, captain. Even pirates need patience.”

  I used the one good arm to haul the heaviest rocks. I pretended each one was a pirate cannon being lifted onto a spaceship. “This one’s for the space kraken!” I shouted at the trees.

  I stayed at it until my arm ached so much I could barely hold the shovel. But the fireplace looks like… a fireplace. Maybe fire will burn inside it someday without smoking the whole dugout out.

  I still feel hungry even after I eat. I dont think i can stop being hungry anymore.

  Green air. Fish I can’t catch. Food I borrow and make last as long as I can.

  I think hunger lives inside me now. Like it moved in.

  ARKNAD says hunger makes you sharp. He says it teaches you where the weak spots are. He also says when he gets rich he’s going to eat seven dinners in a row just because he can.

  I think that’s funny.

  I finished the dugout. Not perfect. But it’s mine. Ok sort of finished. Ok ok i finished digging part and a lot of the sticks part. I hid it with leaves and sticks so it doesn’t look like anything. ARKNAD says hiding treasure is fun.

  I feel proud.

  I am 8.

  I am still me.

  I am still here.

  I am still brave.

  I am still here waiting for you.

  — Robby

  The car smelled like dirt, smoke, and rabbit fur.

  Robby sat cross-legged in the driver’s seat, the borrowed jacket wrapped tight around his shoulders. His arm throbbed, the splint creaking when he shifted. He reached into the glove box and grabbed the perfume bottle. There wasn’t enough to spray anymore but he opened the bottle carefully, smelled it then closed the cap quickly as if he could keep the scent bottled longer.

  He set the journal down after finishing up explaining about the dugout fort. It will be nice to have a real big person home to live in. Something safer than the little stick fort that keeps wanting to fall down now that it’s so old. One day at a time he told himself.

  The dash lights still glowed faintly through the dirt and grime. He reached over and turned the radio knob. Crackle.

  A song came on over the radio.

  “... What ever happened to the golden door, Where a lamp once lit now shines no more? …“, Robby wondered what this golden door thing was. Why would someone make a door from gold? Gold is heavy and soft. He decided that engineer should be fired and changed to another station.

  “…reports indicate containment failure… repeat, no civilian casualties reported…”

  No, no news, aren’t there happy songs anymore? He flipped through stations, static and voices overlapping. One station hummed a song, slow and distant, about home. About someone waiting. About warmth he might never have.

  He pressed his forehead to the glass. Pretending. Pretending it was a message just for him. Just for Robby.

  The solar panel on the car gave just enough juice for the music to last a while. Two hours of warmth. Two hours where the world outside could not touch him. When it cut off, the dark always felt heavier. He stayed there, counting his breaths. Counting his steps back to the dugout. Thinking of math. Spaceships. ARKNAD.

  The dugout waited. So did morning. So did hunger.

  But Robby was still here. Still trying to be brave.