It takes another week and a half to get out of that rancid hellhole of a mine and back into Valencia’s capital city, Gillan. And to make matters worse, that asshole Fallow survived yet again. Wizards are hardy bastards. After the hydra was defeated we really had no use for him. He refuses to use his magic for anything he considers trivial or unnecessary and is annoyingly mysterious about what all powers he even has. He wasn’t even that useful during the battle other than to leave my uniform sopping wet to mildew in the mines under Matsuria and make me a stinking mess for the entire trip home. The aroma seems to have even enticed some of the local wildlife to mark their territory on me in my sleep. This might be the worst I’ve smelled since our fight against the Vomiting Alligator Lizards of Kirishem (single lamest attack in all of monster-dom). But no matter. We’re back now, triumphant over the latest threat to the kingdom. And after nearly a month of sleeping outside, eating nothing but stale bread and fighting our way through hordes of hapless, low-tier monsters to get to the hydra, I can think of nothing better than to collapse onto a soft, clean bed. Being in command of the elite Beast Brigade has its perks. Including having my very own room in the castle.

  Thing is, when I’m pushing the door to my room open, I’m greeted by an ancient tome hurtling towards my forehead. It bounces off my face and I instinctively recoil as if my life is in danger while loose papers flap about in the air around me. Then I hear Piper pipe up from the bed, “There’s nothing in there about being born on the first full moon of the year you dick!”

  She’s sitting cross-legged on the bed like she owns the place. I scramble to gather the pages up off the floor. “This book is more than four hundred years old!” Then I make a hopeless attempt to press them back into their binding only for them to slide right back out again.

  She folds her arms and does that pouty thing again, this time with a big shrug. “I don’t care. You lied to me.”

  I stand with a handful of pages cascading out of the book. “How’d you even get in here? I thought I left this thing locked.” The wooden door groans as I press my back against it to shut it.

  She uses both hands to launch herself off the bed as she announces, “My castle, my rules. And I rule that I can go into any room I want.”

  “Pffft—your castle? You’re the king’s niece. Barely even a princess.”

  She tilts her chin up and starts making her way toward me. “I’ll have you know that my father is next in line to the throne of Valencia.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s also an asshole.”

  She snorts. “You’re not wrong about th—” Before she can finish, she throws one hand up to pinch her nose while scurrying back to the bed. “Hades’ henchmen! Get out of that armor and take a bath before you assault everyone in the castle with that stench!”

  I can’t resist. “Trying to get me out of my armor now, Princess? I’m shocked.”

  She shakes her head and nasally replies, “Not smelling like that I’m not!” My mouth starts to stretch into a smirk, but then she amends her statement, “I mean—not at all! I wouldn’t. Want that. You out of your armor…Just go and change before I tell my father you’re getting fresh with me!”

  I take three slow steps toward her as her eyes bulge and her back arches over the bed to avoid my smell aura. Then I press the book with what few pages remain within its binding into her chest. “Princess or not, this book is worth more than both our lives. Order one of your minions to rebind it or I’ll tell the royal steward.” She doesn’t even wait until I’m turned around to start silently mocking me. She’s even flailing one hand around in the air as she does it. I grab the door handle as I say over my shoulder, “I don’t move my arms like that.”

  “Sometimes you do! When you’re really frustrated with me.” She still has her nose plugged and the nasal quality it adds to her voice almost makes me laugh. Almost.

  I start to open the door and then stop. “Wait, you’re in my room.”

  “Well, then get away from the door so I can leave without smelling you!” I turn around and give her a sigh before stepping sideways. She does the same, but in the opposite direction. Then we proceed to circle each other like two fighters squaring off before a duel, keeping equidistant from one another until I’m at the bed and she’s at the door, saying, “See you at dinner.” Then she squeezes out and scampers off down the hall.

  ***

  Dinner with King Leopold and his court might be worse than fighting the hydra. I certainly know which one I’ve been dreading more. These people are about as self-aware as a jar of pickled herring. And even less fun to look at. When the festivities get underway, I’m seated on the outskirts of the king’s biggest, squarest table, getting caught in the crossfire of a heated debate that’s taking place on either side of me, between a noblewoman in a turquoise dress on my right and a mustachioed duke or earl or something wearing ostensibly militaristic purple garb on my left. They’re arguing over which of the two of them wouldn’t know proper art from a pile of rotting pig butts. The woman adamantly states, “Odessius is the finest painter in all of Valencia, make no mistake. His ‘blue era’ defined my twenties. I will not stand for you sullying his name in my presence.” After making her point, she plucks an olive out of a goblet on the table and then aggressively tosses it into her mouth to assert her dominance over the hors d’oeuvres. I’ll never understand how people can eat those things unaccompanied. Especially so violently.

  The faux military man on my left says, “Well, my dear Beatrice, your twenties are now ancient history and so is Odessius.” Beatrice looks understandably aghast. I’m actually a little stunned myself. The brute continues, “You need to take a trip out of the lowlands to see some modern paintings. These days, Odessian art is considered only so good as it can be used to cover a hole in the wall.” I might ask Piper to use her bow and arrow to put a hole in my head if I have to listen to this much longer.

  I swivel back toward Beatrice and ask the still gaping baroness, “Would you like to switch seats with me?”

  Our conversation is cut short when the drunken King Leopold bellows stupidly from the head of the table, “Where is the fearless Captain Darion who defeated the hydra and kept my wayward niece safe despite her best efforts? There he is!” He’s waving a sloshing wine glass at me as he says it, with the hydra’s prime head resting on the table in front of him. Piper rolls her eyes from the other side of the table as she uncrosses her arms to raise a glass in my direction. Her uncle continues, “To Darion! Protector of Valencia and breaker of young maidens’ hearts. Here, here!”

  The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

  I look across the table and shake my head at Piper when he says the bit about the maidens. Then I raise my glass and give a humble nod to the rest of the snobs. Some are downright yelling as they toast me. Tales of our adventures in the Royal Beast Brigade are good fun for noble folk. Beatrice chimes in beside me, “Do tell, Captain! What’s it like to battle a hydra?”

  Here we go. I might be a little out of my element here but I’ve at least been to enough of these things to know what’s expected. I suck in a chestful of air and cheerfully explain, “Well fair maiden, you see, the challenge of fighting a hydra is that they have this nasty habit of growing two heads back for every one you chop off. And that’s not to even mention the acid blood that sprays from the wound as you do it!” Damn I’m actually kind of impressed with myself when I say it like that. Everyone within earshot is rapt as I relay the harrowing events. I don’t get far into the story though because right after I start, I glimpse Piper on the other side of the table shoving her seat back to excuse herself. Once she’s on her feet, she stumbles a bit before draining her glass and slamming it down on the table like a right and proper drunkard. Must run in the family. A few seconds after that, she’s out the door.

  I inform my audience, “Apologies, but I have a military matter I must attend to.” I rise from my seat to the sound of disappointed groans as I prepare to make for the exit. But before I go, I ask Beatrice for a handful of her olives. She graciously obliges, even sending me off with a small satchel to secure the bounty.

  As I’m making my escape, King Leopold sidesteps in front of me, swaying to and fro as he states in a stupor, “Brave soldier, do try and enjoy the festivities tonight. I’ll have another assignment for you on the morr—ERRGH,” he interrupts himself to belch directly into my face, causing my lungs to seize and my eyes to involuntarily clamp shut. Then the royal buffoon continues, “…bright and early.”

  I manage to reopen my eyes to respond, though I’m still holding my breath as I do so, “Understood, Your Highness. You can count on me.” He stumbles sideways and I am at last allowed to take my leave. I can bear no more distractions if I’m to catch Piper before she reaches her quarters. Across the castle’s entrance hall, up two flights of stairs, through a galley overlooking the garden and up one more flight of stairs to her room. She moves with a drunkard’s speed tonight and I may need to move fast to catch up with her.

  She’s lying in a heap right outside the Banquet Hall. “Dammit, Piper.” Any other maiden would be endangering her virtue by ending up in such a state, but even the most daring of debauchees would not risk the ire of the king’s brother by taking this one to bed. She’ll lie like that til morning if I don’t help her. “Come on, time to get up.” I wrap one arm under her back and lift.

  She sucks in air through her nose as she regains consciousness, looking like she’s just seen a wraith for a second before recognizing me. “Oh, it’s you. I thought you were one of the hydra’s snaky head-things.” I hoist her up onto my shoulder with one of her arms draped across my back while she drunkenly proclaims, “You’re not gonna charm your way into my cuirass tonight, so don’t try. It’s closed for business….ssss.”

  I assure her, “This might be the only time I’m not trying to.” Then we start shuffling our way down the hall together. “But don’t worry, I’ll try and fail again tomorrow when you’re sober.”

  “Yeah you will. Oh, and thanks for letting me look stupid in there in front of everyone just now. I should have Tabitha hit you with that fancy axe of hers…for defiling my honor.”

  At this point Piper’s just letting her feet scrape against the floor so I go ahead and throw one arm under her knees to lift her up and carry her the rest of the way. “I think Tabitha would be more interested in defiling your honor herself. If you know what I mean.”

  Piper lets her free arm drape out an angle, preventing her elbow from bending. “Ugh, no thanks, you can have her. Just add her to that list of broken-hearted maidens of yours.”

  I shrug. “Eh, I don’t know if the eyepatch really does it for me.”

  She squints one eye and does her best pirate impression. “Oh, arrrr ya not into that sorta thing, Cap’n?”

  I laugh. “Yeah and anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m not her type.”

  She goes back to her normal voice. “Well, she’s not my type either. So I guess we’re all stuck.”

  “Yeah? And who is your type?”

  She just rolls her eyes with a sneaky smile directed at the ceiling. Then she folds her arm back in to hold a fist over her mouth as she says through a yawn, “I’m surprised you actually wanted to come to the dinner tonight. I thought you hated those things.”

  “Well, how else would I get to annoy you tonight?”

  That earns me an arched eyebrow. And a, “Don’t tell me I’m the only reason you came.”

  I look down and give her the ol’ smirk. “Alright, I won’t tell you.” She stifles a laugh with her eyebrow still raised and then spends the rest of the trip with her eyes closed and her cheek pressed against my chest.

  She doesn’t open her eyes again until I’m lowering her onto her bed. As I’m doing it, she finally reveals the reason for drunken state, “My fucking uncle…He acts like I shouldn’t have been there with you. In the fight with the hydra. He makes it sound like you just brought me along to appease me. Like I’m not a part of the party...I’m the one who figured out how to kill the hydra!”

  I pull the sheets up over her shoulders. “I know you did.”

  She pulls one arm out of the sheet to push a finger into my chest. “I saved you. Don’t say I didn’t because you know I did.”

  I stand up and, once again, I don’t argue with her. “You saved me. In more ways than one. Good night.”

  As I’m turning to leave I hear, “Darion…?”

  I turn back around. “Hmm?”

  She looks like she might start to cry. “...I hate being here.”

  It’s quiet for a second until I remember, “Oh! I almost forgot.” I pull the satchel of olives out of my pocket and open it up to let her peek inside. A smile cracks her dour demeanor as she cups her hands together to receive them like treasured gold. I crouch down and hand the satchel over as I tell her, “At least the king still lets you go on adventures with me. He told me we’ll have a new one tomorrow.”

  She throws two olives into her mouth and says chewingly, “My father hates him for it. If he had it his way, I would never leave this castle.”

  As she says it, I have the sudden and overwhelming urge to kiss her on her forehead. Something about seeing her in this pitiable state, eating her olives, happy and sad at the same time. Makes my heart swell and my head ache. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, I don’t kiss her. I simply say, “Get some sleep, Princess.”

  “Don’t call me that. I’m not a real princess. And I’d rather not be one.” I just give her a nod. A few seconds go by before she throws another olive back and says through a mouthful, “Good night, Captain.” Then she raises a hand to her forehead to give me a clumsy salute. As she does it, she knocks a big lock of hair down over her face. I watch her try to blow the tuft off her mouth a couple times before I reach over and pull it back behind her ear for her. Then she secures the olive satchel while informing me of her intent to ‘destroy’ them in the morning, rolls over, and closes her eyes one last time. After that, I stand up and see myself out. Nothing more to do tonight except wander back to my room alone and wonder what sort of monstrous abomination I’ll be learning about tomorrow.