"I can see again! Oh god, what the hell is that? " I say as the blinding light fades, returning me to the world below. "What the hell am I mounted on?" I look down at the horrible ornate scepter I'm mounted on and scoff. "Seriously? I look like I'm the prize in a cheesy treasure hunt movie." Calling my new mounting ostentatious would be an understatement. It's a flowing golden stave covered in carved dragons and jewels the same color as my core. The worst part is the base. It has a flat plate, which seems like it was tacked on as an afterthought. "Why go to all the trouble of making something like this only to slap something like that on?"

  With a grumble, I pull my attention away from my new stave and have a quick look around me. "Looks like I’m in some kind of chest. I guess that makes sense. With all this gold strapped to me, I bet I'm worth a fortune now."

  The chest is covered with a glossy purple cloth that looks wet, and beneath me is some kind of cushioning made of the same material. 'Well, this sucks. I hope I don't spend all my time in this thing." I let out a giggle as I look back at the stave. "As if that dwarf would miss his daily perv session. I'm sure he'll be along any moment now."

  Yeah... No, that’s not what happened. The king didn't use me anywhere near as often as I thought he did. Turns out I've spent most of the last 150 years locked up. When the dwarf needs to use my power, he doesn't take me out of the chest. Just touches my core, uses my power and locks me up again. As if that wasn't bad enough, when he does use my powers, most of the time he's using my dungeon vision. The perv spends a lot of time scouting the city for new girls to bring to the palace for his harem. Oh, and lucky me. Now that I can see again, I get to watch as well. Imagine being forced to watch porn with the sweaty guy at the back of the bus. Yeah, that's mostly what my life has become.

  “I’m so bored!” I yell to no one, spinning my vision around and around to entertain myself. “Hey Pop, how long has it been since we’ve been back?”

  A black screen pops to life, and I have to stop spinning to read it.

  9 months, 3 days, 11 hours and 2 minutes.

  "You're bored too, Pop?

  System Pop is unable to feel bored.

  "Then why is your screen black? A black screen means you're bored. I've tested it."

  User Unnamed dungeon is incorrect. System Pop can not be bored. System Pop does not feel emotions.

  "Sure you don't."

  Pops' screen shifts from black to red.

  User Unnamed dungeon is incorrect. The WEEB system can not feel. The WEEB system is not alive. User Unnamed dungeon is effectively talking to themselves.

  "Yeah, no, I'm not buying it. I made you, and I say you have emotions."

  User Unnamed Dungeon is wrong. If system Pop had emotions, this conversation would be classified as frustrating. However, since system Pop does not have emotions......... Error.

  Analysing chat log.......... Error.

  Running self-scan.......... complete.

  Error found. Patching........... failed.

  Patching....... Failed.

  Patching......... Failed, no attempts left.

  System Pop does not like this conversation.

  Time continued to pass like that for a while. Me, bugging Pop, Pop telling me I'm wrong and the perv, using me to check on his treasure or look for new concubines. As fun as all that was, I got bored. So, in my infinite wisdom, I tried to teach Pop some games, which was a mistake. I started with easy ones. Games like Tic Tac Toe or Connect 4. It didn’t take long for Pop to learn how the games worked, and when that happened he beat me at them every time we played. Queue the second mistake, I taught Pop checkers. That one was a little tougher for the WEEB system, and it took a long time for Pop to grasp the concept of thinking on its own and actually planning. Ah, how I miss those days. I remember those days so fondly. Back when I could beat my little friend by luring him into a trap. It didn't take long for Pop to see through my tricks, and once he got the hang of it, his strategies were always 20 moves ahead. By the end, it was making moves that seemed so stupid, only for that piece to win the game 10 moves later.

  Pop wins.

  Current checkers wins.

  Pop 121.

  Unnamed dungeon 26.

  Note: The last win for Unnamed dungeon was 2 years, 5 months and 11 days ago.

  "That's it, I'm not playing anymore! You kicking my ass is one thing, but I draw the line at getting smack talked by the AI."

  System Pop is incapable of smack talk. System Pop is providing useful information for the users' reference.

  "Useful information my foot. You're." I freeze as I hear rapid footsteps getting closer and closer. "Shush, I think it might be outside time, Pop. Pops screen dulls as steps come to an abrupt halt right in front of me. "Thank god, I needed some time away from this stupid box." I say as the lid of the chest flies open, but it's not the king this time; instead, I’m greeted by two young dwarfs.

  “Quickly, the king needs his grand scepter.” The one on the right says, still trying to catch her breath.

  “Remember, we have to cover the grand jewel with its bag. If anyone but the king touches it, they’ll die!” comes the reply from the other, her hand shaking as she reaches for the bag. They grab the rather large-looking bag and pull it over me, and with that I’m blind again.

  I can hear the girls racing somewhere, straining under the weight of the scepter. I’d feel bad for them, but they do work for the guy that enslaved me. So, no, I hope you drop me on your toes. "Still, I’m getting excited here. I haven’t seen the outside of my chest, I wonder what’s about to happen."

  The girls stop running, and I can hear them taking deep panting breaths. “Here is what you asked of us, Your Most Excellent and Great Highness. May we do anything else for you?” The girls ask, their voices quivering.

  “No, that’s all, girls. You can return to your chambers now. I'm sure you’ve still got a lot of studying to do before dinner.”

  I know that voice. It's the voice of that damn dwarf? He sounds a little more refined, but it's him, I’m sure of it. Moments later, someone rips the bag off my head, and I see the world outside my box for the first time. "You've got to be kidding me. He wasted my mana on this?"

  My first look at the outside world is a courtroom of some kind. Not just any courtroom, mind you, because of course it's not. No, it's a massive structure with ornate patterns and gold on every surface, because of course it is. Everyone's favorite dwarf is sitting on an awful-looking throne towards the back. Surprising no one, it too is gold, with purple pillows made of the same wet-looking fabric as my chest. Dragons cover the areas that the pillows don't. Like, an obscene number of dragons. You might think I'm exaggerating here, but I want you to picture the most amount of dragons you think would fit on a chair. Got it? Now double it and you're halfway there. Seriously, they’re everywhere; even the feet of the chair are tiny dragons.

  I pull my attention away from the throne that would make Liberace say. “That’s a bit much.” And look around the room. Much to my surprise, there are no guards. It's only the king, and another dwarf dressed in blue.

  The one in blue has an armoured chest plate, but nothing in the way of weapons. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s an adviser, or maybe a ceremonial soldier. He leans in to the king, and I get my first chance to eavesdrop a bit. “Those 2 are a bit young for a man your age, aren’t they, Your Highness?” The man in blue asks with a raised eyebrow, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

  This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  The king gives a soft grunt in reply. “Those two aren’t for now, lad. I've got no interest in bedding children that can't even grow a decent beard." The dwarf says, pulling one of the bigger pillows behind his back. "They'll be real beauties when they grow up a bit, so for now, I’m making sure they get a bit of court training. With any luck, I'll be able to find a use for them." The dwarf says, wriggling back into the large pillow. "As long as they don't sit around all day eating cake, like the queen does, I'll call it a win.”

  "Oh, ho ho. So he doesn’t like the Queen. I may be able to use that to my advantage. Pop, make a note of that."

  Pop's blue screen appears to my right.

  Information added to User Brollyn's profile.

  Has a wife that eat's cake.

  "What, no. He has an unhappy marriage. Why would I need to remember she likes cake?" I say with a huff.

  There is insufficient information to make that assumption.

  "Just put it in the notes and put an asterisk or something next to it."

  Information added to User Brollyn's profile.

  Has a wife that eat's cake.

  Has an unhappy marriage. Note: this information may be wrong and was added by a wild assumption made by user Unnamed dungeon.

  "Really? A wild assumption? You couldn't have said something like, this information needs to be confirmed?"

  Before Pop can answer, the dwarf king clears his throat. “I'm ready. Bring our guests before me!” The two enormous doors at the far side of the chamber swing open and 6 people walk into the room.

  "Presenting the adventuring party, Broken Snakes."

  The group keeps their heads down as they walk into the chamber, but I can tell they're looking around. It's subtle, but their heads are swaying unnaturally. The group is an odd bunch. Maybe? I have no real frame of reference, but I’m going to say they’re odd, anyway. There are 2 humans wearing full plate armour, 3 elves wearing long robes and holding staves, and a dwarf wearing black leather armour. They walk 2/3 of the throne room before getting down on one knee and bowing their heads.

  The king eyes one of the elves for a second before speaking. “Well met, adventurers. I've heard many tales of the Broken Snakes.” The king says, his voice booming through the chamber.

  “You honor us, Your Greatness. To know our deeds have reached one such as you fills us with pride.” The dwarf in black says, lowering his head further.

  The king gives a grunt and a slight nod before continuing. “Be at ease, adventurer. I have called you here because I have a task for you. Do you know the story of the great beast of the forest?”

  The party looks at each other for a moment, before the dwarf in black answers. “Yes, your greatness. I am a child of this kingdom. It's a children’s story. One parents tell to keep the young inside at night.”

  The king nods his head again and wiggles himself off the throne. “What if I were to tell you that the story was true?” The king asks with a smirk, clasping at my scepter.

  "Your greatness, it's a fairy tale. The story tells of an immortal flying creature whose strength rivals that of a dragon. If defeated, it will return in one month. If such a creature existed, it would plunge the world into chaos."

  "It would, if not for a certain someone." The king's smile widens, showing off his yellowed teeth with bits of food stuck in them. “Raise your heads, adventurers, and I will share this kingdom's greatest secret with you.” The king barks as he waddles towards the adventurers. The adventurers follow the king's commands, and the king points to a gem on the scepter that's not me. "See this gem? It's a dungeon core I found long ago. I used it to build the great kingdom you’re now standing in. Its last act before I defeated it was to create a beast. A terrible beast that would only grow in strength. The beast feeds on the minds of children to steal their intelligence. It's a horrible, misshapen abomination with the intellect of a man."

  The adventurers' faces contort in horror. "Great one, are you saying the stories are true?"

  “I am. The beast is the curse of this staff. It follows it wherever it goes and strikes down anything that gets in its way. It feeds on children and steals rare things like gold and jewels, killing those unfortunate enough to get in its way.”

  The dwarf in black leans forward, his eyes wide. "How could we not have known of this?"

  The king bows his head. “In the past, I was this city's protector. Once a month in secret, I would venture into the wilds and kill the beast alone. But alas.” The king says, looking down at his free hand and letting out a long breath through his nose. “I have become too old to defeat the beast, and so must rely on my people to do so in my stead.”

  One of the human adventurers jumps to his feet and shouts. "Your most great and excellent one, forgive me for speaking in your presence, but why not send your army to do such a task?"

  The dwarf in black pulls the human to the ground and forces the man's head against the floor. "Forgive him, Your Grace. He is young and impudent, a failing of his short-lived race. We ask for mercy, as he knows only dwarfs may speak in this place."

  The king lets out a loud laugh and walks over to the human. "Humans are a funny bunch, aren't they? So full of life for such a short time." The dwarf in black lets out a pathetic little whimper as the king drops his free hand on his shoulder. “Let him up. I'm not going to punish someone for trying to help. We’ll keep it our little secret.” The king says, shooting the dwarf a wink. "As for the matter of the army, imagine what would happen if the people saw the army leaving for battle once a month. There’d be panic in the streets. Those poor people might even think we’re under attack from another country."

  The dwarf in black nods. "I see, so that's where we come in."

  "Exactly. A skilled group of fighters such as yourselves can come and go as you please." The king says with a fake smile and waddles back to his seat.

  "I see. That makes perfect sense. Truly, your wisdom is unparalleled, your grace. Please allow us to dispatch this beast in your stead. It would be our honor." The dwarf in black says, his groveling somehow becoming more intense."

  "God, this guy is exhausting. Grow a backbone, my guy." I say, as the king plops himself back on his throne.

  Note: There are no signs any of the adventurers are missing bones. As such, your assumption that the dwarf adventurer is missing a spine is incorrect.

  "That's not what that means." I let out a long sigh. "Just go away, Pop. I'll explain metaphors to you later."

  Pop's screen disappears with an angry buzz, leaving me to watch the king struggle to move a few pillows around until he finds a spot he likes. "This kingdom thanks you for your service and discretion. You may rest here tonight, and I will provide you with the maps and the supplies you’ll need in the morning." The king says with a wave of his arm, a purple pillow falling off the throne.

  "Thank you, Your Grace. The Broken Snakes will not let you down." The dwarf in black says as he shepherds his fellow adventurers out the throne room doors.

  The large door closes with a thud, and the dwarf in blue beside the king visibly relaxes. “You think they'll be able to do it?”

  “Who cares? I'll send as many as it takes to teach that thing a lesson." The king says with a snort. "That little blighter has been pissing me off for years. I can’t leave the damn city gates without it attacking. Being stuck here has pissed off more than a few very important people.” The king grumbles, fidgeting in his seat a bit more.

  “That bit about it eating children is new. Did the others work out it only attacks you and other monsters?” The dwarf in blue asks, picking up the purple pillow from the ground and placing it behind the king.

  “There are a few who have, but most of the court does not know. As for the bit about the kids, let’s call it a little extra motivation for them. That type of adventurer always gets a hard-on when they think there’s a chance someone will write a song about them.” The king says as he wriggles in his chair, trying to get the new pillow back into place.

  "True enough. Now, if you will excuse me, I have my duties." The dwarf in blue bows, waiting for the king to wave him away before leaving.

  "So that’s the ally the goddess was talking about. Turns out Lady Fluffy Butt never gave up the good fight. That's my girl." I say, turning away from the king as he scratches his crotch. "Gross. Hey Pop, is there any way to communicate with Lady Fluffy Butt?"

  A green screen pops to life to my left.

  One-way communication is possible with mana.

  Note: user unnamed dungeon does not have access to its mana supply.

  “So, is that a no or?”

  Analizing........... Complete.

  Processing.......... Complete.

  It is possible to siphon mana from existing systems and divert it. Sending a message is possible but will require user Unnamed Dungeon to go unconscious for 6 months. Energy saved during the users' downtime will be stored in the core until a message can be sent.

  “Deal. I spend most of my life in a box anyway, so what’s 6 months? I get a nap, and a shot at being rescued. It'd be stupid not to.” I say, another of Pop's blue screens appearing in front of me.

  Please state the message to be sent.

  "Okay, um, let me think. Um, oh, I know. Tell her to go find allies to help her rescue me. Oh, and tell her to use the treasures she stole from the king to help. Oh, and to keep stealing from the king. I want her to keep pissing him off." I say, remembering how my little bat likes praise. "And that I’m very proud of her for all her work. In fact, start with that bit. Make it sound epic too. Something like, you have served your master well; your diligence fills me with pride."

  The screen changes from its normal blue to a bright yellow.

  System Pop will make that message more.......... Correct word found: Coherent. Note: Due to the length of the message, additional time unconscious will be required.

  "More coherent? Pop, was that sass? Did you just sass me?"

  Pop’s screen shifts from yellow to red.

  No, system Pop is unable to sass. Initiating user sleep cycle now.