“What-” I quickly cut him off.

  “Not here.” I pointed at the cameras. “They enjoy our pain. I’m not giving them that entertainment. Let’s talk in my room.” I led the way as he silently agreed.

  I used my keycard to open the door and quickly hid the note on my desk. He closed the door behind him and instantly continued.

  “What is wrong with you?”

  It wasn’t a yell.

  It was a calm and collected question.

  I silently watched him, waiting for him to continue.

  “Why did you do that? Why couldn’t you have just waited for a better time?” He held eye contact, and I had a few options.

  I could frame it as Yaeko being a villain and this was the first step in exposing her.

  I could be honest and tell Yori that it’s to help her.

  I could just say that I’d had enough of her “jokes” and leave it at that.

  They each have their own consequences.

  “You said that emotions and tensions are high right now, and that I should wait until bringing this up.” I mirrored his calmness as I turned his argument upside down.

  “You were wrong about that. It’s precisely because emotions and tensions are high right now that I had to act.” I sat on my bed after I pulled out my chair for Yori to sit on.

  “What do you mean?” The softness of his voice confirmed it. Yes, he’s upset with me. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t. However, he’s still trying to understand the rationale behind my actions.

  “During ‘Democracy’, Yaeko intentionally played on Nobu’s emotions and used them against him.” I looked away for a second. I needed to let Yori realise the severity of Yaeko’s actions.

  “As a result, Nobu completely broke down. He couldn’t even go to the canteen and get lunch because of how betrayed he felt by you and the others.” Yori immediately looked at me as his lips parted.

  “Don’t worry about that, I brought some soup to his room and we talked. He hasn’t forgiven you guys, but he’s doing much better than expected.”

  I made sure to note Yori’s internal conflict.

  He was happy that Nobu was doing better, but I could tell that he was concerned and curious about what I’d done to make that happen.

  “Yaeko’s pride and ego are very strong. You know that just as much as I do.” I forced him to accept that premise. “Because of that, she mistreats people she views as inferior to her, like me and Nobu.”

  Yori subtly turned his head away from me.

  “The only way to stop her from destroying our friendships was to get rid of that pride and ego.” I paused and looked away. I needed to make this as objective and logical as possible, so I stripped all humanity from my voice.

  “That’s why I had to expose her publicly. To people she doesn’t consider herself superior to.” I went silent for a few seconds, forcing Yori to accept that.

  “She made it obvious she wouldn’t listen to anything I said. That’s why a public revelation was the only way to begin dismantling her pride.” I doubled down, making sure to held eye contact.

  “Wasn’t there any other way…?” Yori stared blankly as he hoped for an alternative.

  “No.”

  I calmly denied him that hope.

  “She wouldn’t have listened to me under any circumstances.”

  I patiently waited for him to notice the inconsistency.

  “Then why didn’t you have me talk to her?” He looked at me as the anger started swelling behind his eyes. “You used me to manipulate Nobu, so why not use me to manipulate Yaeko?!”

  I knew he wanted to talk about being used to save Mei.

  That’s why I directed the conversation here.

  “With Nobu, I had no choice.” I looked him in the eyes as I slowed down my speech. “I looked at all my options, and none of them worked. Our friendships would have been irreversibly broken.” I started speaking softly as I appealed to his emotions.

  “That’s when I saw a single way out.

  I had no choice.

  I had to use your help.” I waited for a few seconds before continuing.

  “It’s not like I wanted to. I know it must have been difficult for you. That’s why I didn’t ask for your help with Yaeko.” I waited again, letting every part of my argument hit with maximum impact.

  “With Yaeko, I saw a way that didn’t include you. I didn’t want to put you through that unnecessarily, so I acted out my own plan.”

  He immediately countered.

  “No. I don’t believe that.”

  His fists tightened.

  “I know you’re smart enough to realise it. You turned Yaeko into a broken mess.”

  His voice started shaking.

  I imagined he was recalling what he did to Nobu.

  “Even if you had to use me and put me through pain, it would’ve been nothing like that.” I stared at his eyes as they started watering.

  "So why didn’t you do that?!” He raised his head and looked me in the eyes as he waited for an answer.

  Logic would no longer be effective.

  He was dragging me into a battleground based on empathy and emotions.

  That’s fine. I have the perfect argument to guilt trip him.

  “Really?” I paused for a second as I forced eye contact.

  “How can you possibly know what manipulating someone feels like?!” He was taken aback by my raw emotion.

  It’s a side of me he’s never seen before, because it’s a side of me that doesn’t exist. I learnt to numb myself to emotions a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fake them.

  "You think that what you did to Nobu hurts? Don’t be so naive.” I paused and turned away.

  “Damn it, Yori. You were just following orders.” I paused, taking a deep breath in.

  “You were following orders because I’m the one that forced you into it.”

  I turned to face him. I needed to absolve him of any guilt he felt.

  “I even used Mei to make you compromise your morals.” I took another deep breath as I looked away again. “Even that wasn’t enough. When it failed, I used the entire group to force you into something I knew you’d hate, yet I had to do it anyway.”

  A few seconds passed.

  “Akira…” his voice was soft, confirming that my argument was working.

  “No! I’m not done yet!”

  I kept pushing.

  “Do you have any idea how much of a toll this all takes on me? I used you, Yori.” Yori looked at me in shock as I started laughing.

  “Do you want to know the worst part of it all?” I continued laughing, faking a breakdown.

  “I didn’t even feel a shred of guilt about using you, my best friend, because I knew it was for the greater good of protecting everyone else.”

  I smiled as I looked him in the eye.

  “Do you know how messed up that is, Yori?”

  He silently looked away, unable to respond.

  “I don’t care how painful the other paths are. I will never turn you into something like me.”

  I looked down, staring at my hands, and a chilling thought came over me.

  When did my act switch to a real confession?

  “Akira… if you know how messed up that is… why do you still do it?” Yori quickly wiped away his tears, trying to hide his broken voice.

  Seeing him like this… and the realisation I just had… I chose to tell him the truth.

  “I chose to become like this so that I could help the people I care about. If I have to shoulder the burden and the costs alone, then I’ll do it. I can’t back out now.”

  I’d never said this to anyone.

  “What do you mean you can’t back out?” His anger was completely replaced with genuine concern.

  I took a few seconds deciding whether or not I should answer.

  “Yori, have you ever seen me cry?”

  I saw him take a shallow breath in.

  A few seconds passed before I continued.

  “Even after everything I just confessed to you, I’m still not crying. I’ve teared up before, but I haven’t truly cried for a long time.”

  I let Yori connect the dots before finishing.

  “I can’t go back to being a “normal” person because I’ve grown numb to “normal” emotions.”

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  He silently stared at me, speechless.

  “What do you mean?”

  He wanted to understand me so he could help.

  I knew he couldn’t, but I decided to tell him.

  I owe it to my best friend.

  “I can understand why using you would hurt you so much, but I can’t truly say I can imagine the pain you were in.” He started rubbing his thumb against his hand, but I chose to continue.

  “It’s the same with Yaeko’s tears when Osamu said he couldn’t fully trust her. I understand why that hurt her so much, and why she started crying, but I can’t really feel or imagine that pain.”

  He quietly continued to cry, and I was forced to watch every tear fall down his face, and to listen to every shallow breath.

  I couldn’t bear it anymore, so I did the only thing I could to drown out the sound.

  I kept explaining.

  “I think I developed that numbness as a coping mechanism.”

  His fists clenched tighter as I smiled about the nature of the situation.

  I’m proving my numbness right now by maintaining a logical perspective without a trace of emotion in my voice.

  I looked back at him and I started having second thoughts.

  Should I have revealed all this?

  He could be the traitor.

  Then I realised, I didn’t actually care.

  I don’t care if it’s selfish, or if it isn’t the best move.

  I want to have faith that he is a real friend.

  If he truly wants to understand me, then I’ll do my best to help him.

  “I needed a coping mechanism to allow me to be detached as I manipulate people. Even when I manipulated them for their own sake, it still hurt too much, but I forced myself through it.”

  My fingers curled ever so slightly as Yori started crying even harder.

  I’d never seen him cry this much, I wasn’t expecting something like this.

  I continued speaking so the sound of my voice would block out the sound of his tears.

  “I guess that numbness developed to protect me from that pain.”

  A few seconds passed before Yori looked to face me and I warmly smiled, trying to cheer him up.

  “I don’t get it… if you knew this was the cost, then why would you ever choose to be like this?”

  I knew he wouldn’t understand.

  No one could.

  I was telling him that I couldn’t understand something that he takes for granted. That’s why he pivoted, trying to find any logical flaw so he could convince himself that I was wrong.

  In a way, that was his own coping mechanism.

  “That’s an interesting question…” I laughed as I slowly looked down at my hands again.

  “I don’t know if I knew this would be the cost.”

  I started smiling as I made an ironic realisation.

  “Maybe I convinced myself that I always knew what the cost would be, so I could make my reality an easier one to accept.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh as I imagined a puppet desperately trying to pull onto its own strings.

  “As for why I would choose to be like this… I realised that empathy alone isn’t enough.

  I never wanted to be powerless to help a friend.

  I hated that idea so much that I guess I was willing to go through all of this, or I simply didn’t realise what it would cost.”

  I continued staring at my hands, thinking about the decisions I’ve made.

  “Now that you’ve experienced the cost and you understand the pain you put us through… do you regret choosing this path?” I blankly stared at him as I tried to figure out why he was asking.

  “I don’t have a single regret.” I spoke and smiled as warmly as I could.

  To my surprise, Yori smiled with me.

  “Promise on our friendship that you’re not lying.” He was desperate.

  “I promise on our friendship that I don’t regret choosing this path.”

  I gently smiled at him.

  “If I could go back in time and stop myself, then I wouldn’t. For all the pain I’ve gone through, and all the sacrifices I’ve made… I’ve also done a lot of good.”

  I thought about Ren, Yuto, Mei, Osamu and Nobu.

  All of those were in just the last 24 hours.

  “I don’t regret it at all.”

  I spoke with absolute conviction.

  “Good. I’m glad.” He started laughing, but I couldn’t tell if he was forcing it.

  “If you can truthfully say that, then maybe I don’t have to understand it to accept it.” When we made eye contact, he quickly looked away again.

  “If you did regret it… then that would just be too painful to imagine.”

  I couldn’t fathom the idea of acceptance without an understanding, but that didn’t matter.

  This conversion wasn’t about me.

  It never was.

  It was always for him.

  “If you need my help explaining any of this to Mei and Osamu, then let me know.” Even if he didn’t agree with my decisions regarding Yaeko, he’d shown that he trusts my judgement.

  “It’s fine, I think that’d backfire pretty badly.” I let out a smile as I leaned back and took a much needed deep breath in.

  I told Yori everything, and he accepted it instead of running away or getting scared.

  I didn’t need to hide from him anymore.

  “I helped Mei get over her feeling like a burden. Using your help to explain this would just hurt her again.” Yori immediately gave me a confused look.

  “Wouldn’t she be happy that you felt comfortable enough to tell her?” I took a deep breath out.

  This was a tough choice, but I had time to make it.

  “If I used your help, she would see it as me trusting you more.” Yori’s eyes were still locked on to mine, showing that he still didn’t believe me.

  “Really? She seemed much better when you talked to her after 'Democracy', don’t you think she’d be able to realise that you just happened to reveal all this to me during an emotional conversation?”

  I took a deep breath, looking down and away from Yori.

  “No, I’ve seen it before. When someone feels like a burden, it can be incredibly hard to convince them otherwise.”

  I forced a smile as I looked up to face Yori again.

  “Even if I managed to cheer her up, any small details would be enough to reinforce her fears.” He didn’t seem convinced, so I decided to tell him how I cheered Mei up.

  “When I was whispering to Mei, I was telling her about a plan that didn’t involve you.” Yori looked shocked and almost laughed as I finished my sentence.

  What plan?” He leaned forward, eagerly waiting.

  I started grinning, almost breaking out into a laugh.

  “You’re not gonna run away or abandon me if I show you how calculating I am?”

  I phrased the question as a joke, but I needed confirmation.

  I waited for a few seconds, but Yori kept hesitating before answering.

  “If I believe that you think everything you did was to help everyone, then of course I won’t.” I smiled ear to ear, but it was only for half a second.

  “I don’t know if I believe that.” Yori looked hurt, but I didn’t let it slow down my resolve. “I’m going to tell you every single detail of my plan. Not just what I did, but why I did it.”

  I'm genuinely curious to see if anyone could accept me for who I am.

  This is no longer about hiding from my friends.

  I want to know if I can still form real connections, even if that risks losing my best friend.

  “Let’s see if you can still accept me after you realise just how in depth I think, and how easily I can predict and control people.”

  Yori initially had an uneasy face, but it morphed into a wary smile.

  “Ok then, bring it on.”

  He nervously chuckled as I started explaining.