***

  Gestalt has chilled on the dream training. Said that if the only tool I learnt was a hammer, then every problem just became another nail to smash. Whatever that means. So we spent the night going over some chill memories that I had mostly forgotten about. Happy shit. Like when my mum took me on holiday. Or when James and I would find a new game to py.

  Honestly, it was a great night's sleep.

  ***

  I could feel my hair being pyed with when I came to. I woke up gently, but didn't open my eyes. Sister Sophia was practically half on top of me. She was twirling my hair in her fingers. I know I'm probably being creepy and bad here. Pretending to be asleep.

  But you would do the same.

  [No we wouldn't. The contact of flesh is disturbing.]

  'You don't have to listen to my thoughts all the time you know!'

  [Unfortunately we do. But please, don’t let us distract you from your yearning.]

  'Ughhhh.'

  Somehow, even with annoying brain slugs, I haven't given the game away. Sophia was humming quietly to herself. She hadn't stopped pying with my hair, wrapping it around her fingers. Her voice, soft and ever so pretty.

  Fuck my heart is hammering.

  I do not know how to deal with this.

  I should wake up, put some distance between us. I'm basically acting like the predatory lesbian stereotype here. Preying on the naive and overfamiliar straight girl. But she makes it so hard not too. Not that it's her fault I’m acting this way.

  She’s ying half on top of me, her head on my chest, my hair in her hand, her arm across my body, half tucked around my ribs. Her lips punishingly close. I just want to wrap my arm around her. Hold her as tight as she holds me. Roll the both of us over so she looked up at me with those big baby blues. Then… Then I want to kiss her. To press my lips against hers and steal her breath away.

  I’ve always wanted this. Yeah, I want other things too. I loved it when Erica messed me up. And the way that Daisy pys with me - superheats my neithers to the temperature of the sun.

  But this. This is what I really want. Someone in my arms, someone to wake up to. Someone who holds me exactly the way that Sophia does. Like she could never bare to let me go and It fucking hurts. She’s so stupid and perfect and she makes my heart flutter when she smiles. I am yearning for her. I’ve known this girl for less than a week, and I can’t hide it anymore. I’m crushing… I’m crushed. I’ve never really felt like this with anyone before, and it hurts. Fuck it hurts so bad. There’s a pit in my stomach and she is in the center of it, digging it deeper.

  Because she doesn’t feel the same way. Because she's just a stupid, overfamiliar, wonderful, straight, angel. That doesn’t understand what she's doing to me, because I’m too scared to tell her. Because if she knew the truth…

  …She might stop.

  It hurts.

  Fuck.

  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

  “Tangerine?” She spoke softly. “Are you crying?” She’s not humming now, She stopped pying with my hair.

  I’ve been betrayed by my own body. Tears rolled down my face.

  “No.” I lied. Such a stupid obvious lie. She can see the tears.

  She just holds me tighter. That doesn’t help. It makes it worse. I’m bawling now. The tears coming out in thick wretched sobs.

  I always was a crier.

  She just holds me while I dehydrate myself via my tear ducts. Stroking my hair and whispering in my ear that it’s all going to be okay. It feels different, seeing this side of her. She’s always been sweet, but normally it’s me taking care of her. Holding her, making her feel safe. But the other way around feels so good too. It just makes my heart yearn all the more.

  I eventually ran out of tears to spill. She didn’t ask me any questions. Just held me tight. I shifted a little and she gave me space to sit up in the bed. “I don’t suppose we could pretend that didn’t happen?” I asked with a chokey voice.

  She lifted a hand and held my face. Concern radiant in her eyes. “If that is what you truly want. But I cannot promise not to worry about you.”

  I’m quiet for a while. I don’t know where to begin. My stupid gay brain is destroying my mental. Because we have to be close - to help her. But my brain can’t keep it sensible, and she kept doing things like smiling at me, and holding me, and taking my hand in her, and pying with my hair while she thought I’m asleep.

  Fuck I sound like Taylor, and the other boys that got all bent out of shape; when I was only ever polite and friendly to them. Making mountains out of mole hills. Reading signs that aren’t there. Well, except for the pying with the hair thing, honestly that’s a bit much… That’s some gay girl shit.

  No. Stop. You are hoping again.

  Actually fuck that. Hope is all I got.

  Maybe.

  Maybe there’s a chance.

  “You were pying with my hair.” I said to her quietly.

  “Is that why you were crying?” She asked me, confusion written across her face.

  “No. I… You touch me a lot, and hold me tight, and I’m not compining but I was just curious why?” I hope. I hope more than I have any reason to.

  “Sorry” She said nervously. “I guess I have been a little bit overfamiliar. I never really had this before. Maybe I took advantage of our situation.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She paused for a moment, then said “I was moved to the convent of Lights Shining Grace when I was little. Before that I lived in one of the orphanages that the nun ran. But I moved so young I barely remember being there. They moved me when my core first became active and my curse began. The spirits, when I was younger, before I learnt how to keep them contained. They would hurt other people.”

  Sophia slowly curled up on herself, the memories are painful. “Lights Shining Grace is remote. It's where many sisters enact the rite of solitude. Nobody really stays there long. Most leave after being there a year. After they have finished the rites, the church will station them somewhere else. But I lived there. Too dangerous to leave. There were a few cold sisters, one or two even mean to me. But most were nice, most cared at least a little, but then they all left.”

  She has her arms wrapped around her knees now. A ball of sorrow. “When I was little, I would try to get close to some. It didn’t really work, they knew they were leaving. They didn’t want to get too close in fear of hurting me. In fear of my curse. I think they all assumed that someone else would take up the mantle. In the end I gave up, focused on becoming a Nun. Fulfilling my duties. I would earn praise that way. It wasn’t what I truly wanted. But it was something.”

  She turned to me. No tears, but her eyes betray her loneliness. “Then you come along, Tangerine Stone and not only do you save me from my curse. You do it by giving me the thing that I’ve always wanted. Nobody ever held me close before, with the curse I don’t think anyone really wanted to. But you do, you hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.”

  She faced away. “I got greedy. I’m sorry. I knew, I could hear your heart pounding when I y on your chest. When you told me that you liked women - I knew what that meant. I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to give this up, I didn’t want you to distance yourself from me. So I feigned ignorance, pretending I didn’t see.”

  “I’m sorry. I know I’m being greedy. But please…” She starts spilling tears now, the rest comes out as quiet as a mouse. “...Please don’t pull away. Please don’t leave me too.” It’s her turn to sob.

  My heart is torn asunder.

  I grab her and pull her tight to my chest. Wrap my arms around her to smother her internalized isotion. “I will never pull away.” I said. “I will never leave. I will always be here for you. No matter what.” I promised.

  My hands are locked up in her night shirt, I squeeze my hands into fists until my knuckles are white. I squeeze her with my arms so hard it must have hurt at least a little. Though she didn’t compin, just folded into me and sobbed.

  [Careful Tangerine, you are slipping past the point of no return.]

  Fuck it. I commit.

  MINE.

  She’s mine and no one can have her. I will never let her go. Her church can’t have her, Lord Balin definitely can’t have her. The ghosts can’t have her. Even her god can’t have her.

  She. Is. Mine.

  We sob together for a while. It doesn’t take much to get me crying again, and if someone else is crying around me, well that's basically my kryptonite. When we finally calm a little. “Don’t worry about me, okay.” I said. “It’s just a little crush. It will pass on its own.” I lied. I don’t need Gestalt to tell me I’m completely off the deep end. I’m destroyed. I’m obsessed.

  I haven't let her go. I will never let her go. “I will never leave you okay. I don’t need to pull away. I won’t pull away.” Because you are mine. “No matter what comes I will hold you, and care for you and make you safe.”

  I feel crazed. I must look insane. I’ve said everything except decring my undying love for her.

  “So don’t worry about me, okay. I will be fine. It’s nothing but a crush.”

  She chose to believe me. She needs to believe me as much as I need her to stay in my arms. We are both lying to ourselves and each other, and we both know we are doing it. “Okay, Tangerine.” She said, “I won’t worry.” She is holding my face in her hands, her forehead now pressed against mine. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I know I’m greedy, but I can’t let go. I can’t go back to how it was before.” She whispers quietly at me.

  I give her a choked little ugh. “I am yours. Forever.” That was no lie, and the complicated knot of her brow proved that she understood the depths of its truth. She read me like a book - and with guilt - she took what she needed from me anyway.

  ***

  Lillian came around ter that day. We had spent the morning packing everything we would need for the Academy. I had mostly been packed for weeks now. Packed when we bought stuff - back during that first week I arrived.

  Lillian had brought her stuff over. So that we could all head to the Academy together, in the morning. Sophia and I, after this morning's emotional devastation, were now even more attached at the hip. Co-dependent.

  This can’t be healthy.

  [It is not.]

  We are essentially always holding hands at this point. I am never far from her, and she is never far from me. Even Maria is giving us funny looks. Which I ignore, I don’t think I could even begin to have that conversation. I’m not even sure I understand what I’m feeling.

  Lillian does eventually manage to pull me aside. When Sophia had to go do her nun pray stuff. “So did you tell her?” She asked.

  “Yeah a few days ago.”

  “And? How did it go?”

  “Better than I thought it would, she mostly accepted it. Although I’m pretty sure she’s trying to pray my gay away.”

  “Well that’s good. You don’t seem to happy about it though?”

  Fuck my face is way to easy to read. “I…” I start.

  “Oh fuck. You’ve fallen haven’t you?”

  I just nod my head.

  “How? It's only been a week.”

  “It’s been a whole thing. I just couldn’t stop it. She kept doing stupid cute shit, and then this morning when it all got too much, I tried. I tried to question it, to see what was going on, because she was being too cute, too much. And then she told me, all about how she grew up, and why she was acting that way, with the hugging and the hand holding and the pying with my hair.”

  “Wait, she was pying with your hair?”

  “Yeah, this morning when she thought I was asleep.”

  She just gave me one raised eyebrow at this.

  “I know right.” I said. “I thought there might be hope there. But there wasn’t. She is just attention starved. A cursed orphan that nobody ever truly loved. And that broke me, I was crushing before, but now it’s worse, and all she wants is a family. I couldn’t deny her that, I won’t. I can’t even, because of the whole curse thing.”

  “Fuck.” Lillian stated.

  “Yeah.” I agreed.

  We just sat quietly in the drawing room for a bit.

  “Well this is a total fucking mess.” Lillian said.

  “Yeah.”

  “But, she was pying with your hair. While she thought you were asleep.”

  “I know right. I don’t want to hope, but that seems like a whole thing, no? More than wanting a hug from a big sister.”

  “It is pretty strong. I don’t want to get your hopes up. Because even if she is into girls that doesn’t change all of the other shit she has going on, with the ghosts and the church. But it’s not nothing.” Lillian said, like the impeccable fucking wing-woman she was.

  “I will take whatever hope I can get. I’m utterly fucked. I can’t leave her to the spirits. I can’t even draw a line between us. The only thing I can do is fall deeper.”

  “You could get under someone else?” Lillian said. “That always helps, or makes things worse, either way something changes.”

  I just ugh at this. “Daisy has made a pass at me twice now.”

  “Wait, what? Our cssmate Daisy? When did this happen?”

  “She came to visit me after the whole Rupert thing, implied I could be her bit on the side. Then at the garden party she molested my throat.”

  “Fuck me, I’m kinda pissed I skipped out on that party now. All the fucked up drama happens around you.”

  “I’m so gd I can be a source of entertainment for you.”

  “As long as you know your purpose.” Lillian smirked. “So will you? With Daisy I mean.”

  “No.” I said. “I don’t know, maybe. She's not what I’m looking for, not what I want. But fuck me if she can’t read me like a book. Knows just how to make me stupid, and if I do, then maybe I’m able to get past this weird fucking crush on Sophia.”

  “Do you think it will work?”

  “I don’t know. I’m in deep.” Tears are threatening again. But I managed to bite them back. “Fuck I’m actually looking forward for school to start. To distract me from all this mess.” I ugh at myself.

  “Yeah, we will keep you busy. I’ll hang about as well. Stop you getting too stupid for silver hair.”

  “Thanks Lils, you are the best.”

  ***

  I spent the rest of the day chilling with Lillian, Sophia did join us again ter. Mostly we all just mucked around, practiced channeling mana, and ate too much food. It all felt very normal. Even if Sophia got a little jumpy if I moved more than three feet from her.

  But night came. We double checked our travel trunks to make sure we had everything we needed. Then it was time for bed. Sophia tried, she really did. When we got into bed, she didn’t immediately roll on top of me. Pulling me close and holding me tight. She just took my hand in hers and y there next to me, a good six inches of separation between us.

  It sucked. It was awful. I hated it. I hated being apart from her. I didn’t want this. I wanted more. I wanted all of her.

  In the awkward silences of our room, that poisonous thought floated to the top of my mind.

  Mine.

  She’s mine.

  I turn my head to face her, she is just staring at the ceiling. That complicated expression written across her face.

  She is no more happy than me.

  I reach over and pull her into me. She came willingly. Desperately. Clinging to me, like I was her salvation.

  I held her tight. Like I never wanted to let her go. We fell asleep like that, wrapped in each other's arms.

  Two girls. Lying to themselves.

  That this was all going to be okay.

  ***

  Sofatreat