Camp that night was a somber affair. The methodical nature of camp being set up wasn’t too hampered, but there was a notable hitch as tasks that had been previously handled were divvied and reassigned. One of the cookpots had no one working it. It took Mah-tok all of five seconds to sort, but it was a small reminder that even having made it out of that fight, we hadn’t done so unscathed.

  I found myself by the fire before I had consciously realized what I was doing. The Dusk Elf preparing the flames gave me a curious eye as I approached.

  “Can I help?”

  She, I guessed based on the swell of armor around her hips, grunted and nodded. She then tilted her head toward a flat rock nearby that had been set up as a prep station. It wasn’t hard to figure out what she wanted, so I went about slicing the vegetables that had been set out, quickly cutting them down into easily stewed chunks. There wasn’t any meat, but the fire was lit and the water had been added to the pot by the time I had finished. I went to dump all of the ingredients into the pot, but was stopped by the same elf from earlier.

  “Eh, let me,” she said in Runna. At least, that’s what I realized she said after a moment. Her accent was rough and thick enough it took me that long to realize she had spoken in Runna and decipher what she said.

  I nodded and handed her the cutting board to which she scrapped some of the vegetables into a smaller pan that she placed on a smaller fire next to the pot.

  “You’re not going to let the pot just cook them all?”

  “Take too long. Be good for breakfast, but if we want eating soon, must cook parts first.”

  I nodded, not really understanding, and sat down and watched them work.

  “Lyren,” they said after a bit, pointing to herself. She then pointed at me with one hand while stirring the food with the other.

  “Kara.”

  They grunted again, pausing to put the browned… somethings, into the pot. Silence stretched and the loneliness of the past three days on march pushed me to fill it.

  “You seem very skilled. Why don’t you cook more often?”

  Lyren chortled. “Ranked out. Captain too important to spend time cooking. But with three dead, including squad’s chef, someone have to step up. No reason not me.” She paused and shrugged, “No strong reason at least.”

  I nodded, uncertain of what made that so important.

  “You do good today,” they said after a bit more cooking. “Prove not glass leaf. And helpful with cooking. Keep up and we might enlist you.”

  “I uh…”

  “She’s joking,” the Quartermaster said from behind me, causing me to jump slightly.

  Lyren said something to the Quartermaster in their tongue, but was clearly well intentioned given how they both smiled afterwards.

  There was small talk after that. Mostly banter, all in Runna, between the three of us. And as it went on, I could almost feel weight lifting from my shoulders. Weight I hadn’t even really known was there. Even as dinner continued and the two elves that had been setting up camp came to join us, it was smooth and peaceful.

  At the end of dinner Lyren firmly set her bowl down and turned to face me directly. “Is time for me to relieve guards. You tent with us tonight,” Lyren said, pointing to one of the nearby tents.

  I blinked and slowly nodded, uncertain. Was the tent special? I spared it a glance and found that it looked a bit rougher than the ones I had been using for the past few days, but not significantly better or worse than what I had been using.

  “Thank you,” I said regardless, because that was what you did when someone gave you a place to sleep.

  Lyren grunted approvingly and two of the other squad members got up and left the Quartermaster and I alone at the fire. We sat in silence, siping at our stew for a bit before he spoke up.

  “It’s a compliment, you know,” he eventually said.

  I blinked and set my bowl down, giving him my full attention.

  “Giving you a tent by the rest of the camp shows that she’s taking you into trust.”

  To be expected. Saving would likely earn goodwill from anyone.

  Not why I had done it, but good point Rin. There was a question on my tongue though.

  “Why? Why her specifically? I helped everyone in the expedition, not just her.”

  The Quartermaster set his bowl down, giving me his full attention.

  “Enstolbii are ambush predators. Odds are that even if you had done nothing, they would have left us alone in a few more beats.”

  “That makes my fire sound less helpful, not more.”

  “They’re also pursuit predators. After you encounter them once you can expect them to pursue the group for days. Unless we get lucky and manage to land a second blow like we did with the axe, we’d spend the rest of the trip constantly watching for the pair. They’d harass and play games and pick us off until they either got bored or we went into an area that they deemed too risky. Standard attrition rate to one of those pairs would be three to five elves killed per day. We’re three days from Mulvalod and seven from Freeport.”

  Between a quarter and a half of the group in guaranteed casualties. Almost the entire group on the high end if we went to Freeport from here.

  He nodded once my eyes came back to him from doing the math.

  “Now, between the one that Althac cut the arm off and the one you burned, we’re likely never going to see those enstolbii again. The two of you just saved those lives. And the lives of whatever other dangers we’d run into because we were understrength."

  “Okay, but that still doesn’t explain why Lyren wants me to sleep here.”

  The quartermaster snorted. “They’re ambush predators. Which means they’ll go for the weakest link.”

  It took me a second to piece things together.

  “How many of the dead were from Lyren’s squad?” She had mentioned numbers earlier, but I hadn’t paid it much mind.

  “Three,” the Quartermaster said, confirming my guess. “She had the rearguard today. It was her scouts going missing that tipped us off to the attack.”

  “So by burning the one…”

  “Her squad would have been gone first. All of them would have likely died before we even had a chance to see civilization. You didn’t just avenge deaths or ‘just’ save lives. You likely saved her life and the lives of those in her care.”

  “Ah.”

  Silence crept in after that, followed by what I guessed was the rest of Lyren’s squad. They all smiled at me and gave a small off bow of thanks. It wasn’t a formal thing like back home, but I still bowed back nonetheless. None of them spoke Runna, so I spent the time quietly talking to the quartermaster. He was giving me some surprisingly interesting details about the difficulties of gear maintenance when…

  “Was that your stomach?”

  I blushed. My body had never been quite that loud before.

  “yes,” I sheepishly admitted.

  The quartermaster had the gall to laugh before turning to the rest of the group. “Cohnal!” he yelled, followed by something in the dusk elven tongue.

  The elf, one of the rare ones I could tell was a man from his facial structure, quickly made his way over to me. He took the empty bowl from my seat and went back to the pot to refill it.

  “Oh, no, I c…”

  He turned and smiled at me, teeth bright and wide. He said something that the Quartermaster quickly interpreted. “No, it’s okay. We insist.”

  The rest of the group nodded and I reluctantly took the bowl back in hand. “I’m not taking from someone,” I quietly asked the quartermaster.

  He shook his head, “When the pot is full, it’s designed to provide ten servings.”

  oh.

  Awkward and without words once more, I lifted the bowl and gave a nod of thanks before going back to eating. I must’ve been really hungry because this bowl practically disappeared. It was only on the last bite when I realized how fast I had been eating and almost couldn’t bring myself to finish. I had stuffed myself, uncomfortably so.

  Still, couldn’t let the food go to waste? I took the bite, fought, and eventually swallowed.

  “Satisfied?” the Quartermaster asked.

  “More than,” I said, leaning back. “I think it’s time for me to go to bed.”

  But then my stomach rumbled again.

  “Sounds like you want something more,” the Quartermaster said with a chuckle.

  I wasn’t paying him even half a mind. My stomach was grumbling, but that wasn’t the hunger I was feeling. No amount of food would satisfy this. And if it wasn’t food I wanted…

  “No. Not now,” I murmured.

  “Huh?”

  I blinked, suddenly remembering where I was. The quartermaster was leaning over me, looking concerned and the other members of Lyren’s squad were also watching with concern. Well two of them were watching with concern while two of them were watching with concern and something else. One was Cohnal, but the other was a small female elf who was halfway out of her armor.

  “I wonder what they look like under…”

  I shook my head rapidly, dislodging Rin’s thought from my mind.

  “Excuse me,” I said, quickly brushing past the Quartermaster and making a beeline for my tent.

  There were words, but no one seemed to be willing to get in my way as I hurriedly tied the flaps closed. Alone and as isolated as I could be.

  “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no….” I murmured frantically.

  What had happened? Why was I “hungry” once more? There was no reason for this to happen. I had made it through nearly seventeen winters without feeling this craving once. Granted the first dozen or so of those I had thought boys were disgusting. Still, five years since my first moon blood and only now I have this hunger.

  “If it’s from being a Kumiho…”

  That made more sense, but not by much. Traveling across the ocean for months and it wasn’t until Mulvalod that I had felt ‘Hungry’. And now, here I was three, maybe four, days later and feeling it again. There had to be something…

  The fire.

  I had spent a lot of Energy on the foxfire. Most of it had been ambient, but there had been a substantial part that had come from me. From my personal energy. Most of that would come back time, I knew from experience. But there was a hollowness there that was unfilled. And as horrifying as that memory was, I clearly and distinctly remembered feeling satiated. The bliss. The completeness. The absolute satisfaction. The sensation of touching the divine. I remembered every single brilliant bit of it.

  But I also remembered the whiplash, the horror, the realization that came after. Okay, this was just a temporary thing. When my personal internal reserves replenished with sleep and the digestion of food it would go away. I wouldn’t … crave any more. This was a concern yes, but a manageable one. One that would go away. I just needed to stay alone. Evaluate what was going on. Figure out a way to excise this…

  There was a knock on my tent door. Well, more like a bowing of the fabric and a soft voice clearing their throat.

  A lyrical voice rang out and then the Quartermaster sighed. “You don’t happen to speak Porforo, do you?”

  I blinked. That was… “Uh, yes. I do.”

  “Oh, well uh, Nioka would like to talk to you.”

  “Uh, it’s a … it’s a bad time.”

  This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

  “She says… wait, why am I translating. She speaks Porforo, you tell her.”

  The lyrical voice spoke again. “Uh, Lady Starborn. It’s me. Nioka. I’m not sure what was happening. But I have an idea. And if I’m right, I have something that’ll help.”

  I blinked twice. Help? How would she help with this… What? How?

  “Uh…” I eloquently said.

  “May I, uh, come in?” she asked.

  Curiosity got the better of me. “Sure?”

  Her hands quickly went to work undoing the toggles. It was the shorter elf who had been looking at me with more than concern earlier. Before I could consider changing my mind, she had ducked in and had already started doing the toggles up behind her. When she finished, she flashed me a smile before turning around and kneeling in front of me. Neither of us said anything, instead just sitting, staring at each other for a moment.

  She was a shorter woman, a solid hand-and-a-half shorter than me, but she was by no means small. Her muscles were well defined, tight without losing their litheness. And while her ‘shirt’ covered barely more than her breasts, it showed off her rather impressive set of abdominals. There was a constant hint of definition and I bet that if she flexed even just a bit, you’d be clearly able to see all six abdominals. I wasn’t sure how that would do w…

  What was I doing? I shook my head hard and gave her a small smile.

  “Sorry about that. Distracted.”

  “I know how it is,” she said agreeingly. “Around that time of the month I have trouble keeping anything straight. But these should help.”

  I blinked as she held up a set of small knit things. They were black, thickly padded, and I had no idea what they were for. And what had she said?

  That time? Oh. Oh.

  “I’ve taken to bringing a few extras whenever I go on expeditions. You figure with enough women in the army people would be better about having their own. But I swear, it’s every other patrol someone’s somehow ‘ambushed’ by their moon flow and don’t have a way to absorb…”

  “It’s not that,” I hurriedly said, giving her hands, and the thick cloths, a gentle push back towards her.

  “Oh!” she said, suddenly blushing deeply. “It’s just … and I assumed.”

  Of reasons to suspect I had run out away from the fire, I greatly preferred having my moon blood than the alternative.

  “It’s a… magical issue.”

  “Magical?”

  I sighed, trying to figure out how to explain. “It’s a bit like the magical equivalent of a strained muscle? Nothing wrong, per say, but it hurts.”

  “You seemed pretty distressed for ‘nothing wrong’”

  I groaned and pinched my eyes shut, resisting the urge to rub at my nose in frustration. It wouldn’t be polite. It wasn’t that I was frustrated at her, but rather her presence was a frustration.

  “It uh… it’s something that can be dangerous if poorly managed. Thankfully, I do know how to manage it, but that’s easier… in… private.”

  “Ah,” she said, nodding knowingly before sitting back and kneeling.

  And not moving.

  “Uh…” I said several long silent moments.

  “Yes Starborn?”

  “This is best treated alone. And if you’re here…”

  I didn’t know that Dusk Elves could blush quite that much. She bowed and apologized profusely before backing into the door to the tent. She then spent the entire time undoing the tent door apologizing before hurrying off quickly. Sighing, I reached forward and started redoing the tent toggles. The Quartermaster dropped into view, startling me.

  “What did you say to Nioka?”

  I felt my face twist in confusion before I could think better of it before shaking my head.

  “She just… uh… misread the situation. Her help was well meaning but not what I needed.”

  The Quartermaster looked skeptical, but didn’t question it.

  “Well, if she’s that embarrassed about it, she’ll probably come back and apologize again.”

  “There’s no need. She did nothing wrong.”

  “I’m sure hearing that from you will give her a lot of comfort.”

  I sighed and shook my head. “Good night Quartermaster.”

  “Good night Starborn.”

  And with that I closed my tent for what I hoped was the final time of the night.

  *****************************************************************************************************

  It had to have been half a bell since I laid down and the ‘hunger’ had not disappeared despite the steady increase of my internal Energy. It had decreased, slightly, but my Internal Reserves of Energy felt nearly full. At this rate, even when I reached my max, putting myself nearly at full casting potential, the ‘hunger’ would still be there.

  So, I tried whatever I could think of that normally helped my body recover. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t relax fully with the gnawing longing inside. I tried meditating, but even when I set the distractions aside and centered myself, all I really found was that some part of me felt empty and incomplete in a way I was completely unfamiliar with. I tried changing forms into a human who in theory wouldn’t have these compulsions to no effect. I hadn’t really expected it to, since the guise was just an affectation, but I had been desperate.

  I had considered a… uh…manual solution given how tied this ‘hunger’ had been tied to arousal previously, but I hadn’t been able to get close to the appropriate mindset to even consider such things. Memories of the aftermath of my last ‘hunger’ spell were too fresh and on the mind for me to even attempt.

  All of this put together resulted in me sitting on the bed mat with my face buried in my hands to muffle the frustrated noises I couldn’t stop making. Waiting wasn’t working, or at least wasn’t working fast enough. There had to be something I could do.

  “It is entirely possible that the only way to…”

  “I refuse to accept that,” I thought, cutting Rin off.

  There was no response, but the silence had the feel of skepticism to it.

  “Think,” I murmured. There wasn’t anyone in the tent, but by putting my thoughts to words, it made it feel like I wasn’t just talking to Rin. “Think. The idea that this ‘hunger’ is strictly Energy based has been disproven. It can’t be purely sexual given my lack of arousal. What am I missing? What lack am I trying to fill?”

  A deficiency was the only thing that made sense to me. Changelings deceived and stole magical vivacity and Energy to sustain their life. Jikininki ate flesh because they lacked the ability to heal from their wounds on their own. What was I missing?

  It wasn’t a vitality or failure of the body, that would have manifested similarity to a sickness with lethargy and lack of energy. Rin’s existence suggested a possible deficiency of the mind, but that wasn’t by any means conclusive. Besides, I wasn’t having any missing time and mental facilities had increased, not decreased.

  Which only left the fourth component of life, the spirit. But that didn’t make any sense either. A poor spirit would cause all three of the other facets of a person to fail. Poor spirit hampered your magical ability, your health, and your ability to think. If the evidence of my past few months was anything to go by, my spirit was the strongest it had ever been.

  “So what am I missing?”

  “Potentially nothing.”

  But that didn’t make sense. Everything else you took in was to fill a need or strengthen a facet. Food provided nutrition for the body. Books provided stimulation for the mind. Energy provided for your magic. Meditation and reflection for the spirit. All you took in provided for a need.

  What was taking in, whatever I had gained from Eninald, feeding? Gherardi spoke of a soul, but I hadn’t consumed the soul, it was outside of me. Eninald had withered, but…

  “You are going in circles.”

  “You reflect upon what you know to find what you are missing,” I quoted automatically.

  “The Meditations on Hansei, author Unknown” Rin cited before replying. “Fixation is the way to death. Fluidity is the way of life.”

  I sighed. “Elder Takashi, but who he was quoting I don’t know.” Mages were not the only ones who could quote the wisdom of their ancestors. It was just that our sources were different. I had read histories and of magic. Elder Takashi would have read of war.

  “You are fixating on an assumption that we do not know for sure has a basis in reality. Your assumption matches the information we have, but the information we have is so thin that you could make any theory fit it.”

  I wasn’t sure about any, but Rin wasn’t wrong.

  “We need more information.”

  Which left the question of how? It wasn’t like I had a library or Elder to consult. All I had were my senses.

  Oh, I am an idiot.

  There are plenty of tools of self-reflection techniques we had been taught at the Koliminary, which I could turn my reflection inward with and that would come with time. But we were also taught spells to augment our senses. I cast my mind back to the last spell I had cast before I died. Unlike that day in the square with Thuvvik and the jewelry, the Energy and spell came to me almost instantly.

  It was startling how dark and devoid of ambient Energy the air seemed to be down here. It hadn’t impacted my ability to make fire earlier, but it didn’t swirl and swell around me like I had been used to in the Wood.

  It did make a particularly amusing image when I looked at my hands. I had a small aura around me that I had never seen before. A sharp break between the Energy inherent to me and the dearth around me that made me glow. It was almost enough of a contrast to brighten the air around me enough to see. A false thought, that. There wasn’t any actual light, but an amusing image.

  The amusement quickly faded as I looked a bit beyond my hand.

  As I looked farther and farther from myself, the air began to glow more and more. It wasn’t that the air down here was lacking, it was that the air around me was lacking. Experimentally, I drew, pulling a small amount of Energy from the environment. The air swirled, and there was a visual flow towards me, but it didn’t finish crossing the gap that was around my body. Despite the lack of contact, I did feel the amount of Energy I had increase.

  “It’s not actually a void, there’s energy there. It’s just being… blocked? Occluded? Covered. It’s being covered by something. Some kind of field or aura.” Curious, I stepped out of my tent. The fire was still lit. Nioka, Cohnal, and one other elf were still sitting around the fire.

  They didn’t have auras, which unfortunately confirmed this was something unique to me.

  “Starborn,” Nioka called in Porforo, “Did we wake you?”

  I blinked and realized they probably thought I had been sleeping for the past while. I shook my head and made my way to the fire. “No, just couldn’t sleep.”

  There were some knowing nods at that and a few words, but I was watching something else.

  As I got closer, the void around me began to stretch, expand. Tendrils reaching out from me to the three elves. I paused, panicked, but when there wasn’t an immediate response from any of them when the tendrils touched, I thought it safe and watched them.

  Curiously, the tendrils attached to Nioka and Cohnal seemed thicker, more firm. Wrapped rather solidly around the waist. The third elf, whose name I didn’t have, the tendril to them was… thinner. Flimsier. And it was just brushing against him, like it was looking for purchase.

  “Uh, Lady Starborn.”

  I blinked my way back to the conversation, shaking my head.

  “You’re staring at Everik,” Nioka said.

  “Sorry, thought… magical auras,” I said, flustered. “They’re unusual.”

  She nodded, but clearly didn’t understand. Still, she turned and translated for the two elves and presumably translated. Everik looked amused, but Cohnal looked… relieved? I didn’t understand that. The three of them exchanged a few more words before Cohnal and Everik turned to start talking, leaving Nioka out of the conversation. It seemed rude until Nioka turned to talk to me and realized they had done it purposefully. She looked uncertain, perhaps a bit nervous. Perhaps she was uncomfortable starting a conversation?

  “I know I couldn’t sleep, but why are you three up? As I understand it, you’ll have a watch soon.” I said, consciously twitching my ears in a way that indicated friendly and polite curiosity.

  Nioka smiled, “Honestly, we should be in bed. We just got to talking and the time got away from us. I should probably be heading to bed myself, though…”

  Her pause was accompanied by a slight blush and, more concerningly, a pulse along the tendril. A pull a tug.

  “Though?” I asked leadingly.

  She shook her head, “Never mind.”

  I nodded slowly and gave her a smile. “Well, then don’t let me keep you from sleeping.”

  She nodded and slowly stood. The tendril between us didn’t break, it was still wrapped around her, even as she left the fire. Idly curious, I reached out towards it. It shouldn’t do anything, given that it was just a visual manifestation of a not-quite-magical effect, but when my hand touched where the tendril was I could, just for a moment, feel something. The line didn’t quite bend, but there was a snap, and racing pulse through it from where my hand touched racing to Nioka. And when it hit her, she twitched and stopped, almost like she had been slapped where the tendril had wrapped around her.

  I was on my feet before I could think.

  “Sorry,” I said, questioning what exactly I was apologizing for. Nioka turned and gave me a full smile.

  “Nothing to apologize for,” Nioka assured me. “But now that I… we’re a bit away from the boys, I have a question for you.”

  I nodded confused about her mannerisms and not knowing what or where this was going.

  “You mentioned that you were having trouble sleeping. Was it because you’re cold? Too much energy?”

  I tilted my head uncertain of what she was alluding to and uncomfortable with giving her the full truth. “Something like that.”

  “These tents are made for two, you know.”

  “They do seem spacious enough for that,” I agreed, feeling uneasy.

  “If you’re cold and energetic, I’d be more than willing to accompany you to bed and help with both.”

  Except help wasn’t the exact translation there. It was the closest one Thuvvik had given me, but where ‘help’ had a broad meaning, she specifically meant ‘help’ as in ‘assistance’. And, as I had unfortunately learned, it was a euphemism and a pretty bold one at that. There was also a much deeper meaning that Thuvvik had attempted to explain, but his discussion of ‘implied dynamics’ had left me completely confused.

  Regardless, the offer left me completely at a loss of words. There were many many reasons to say no, with the first dozen or so being memories of my last… about Eninald. There were also errant thoughts from Thuvvik’s discussion about elves and slaving and while I logically knew that didn’t mean Dusk Elves, it was still something I couldn’t help but think of.

  Suffice to say, I wasn’t interested in this offer in the least. I didn’t even have words to convey how little I wanted anything adjacent to what she was suggesting. Rin, however, had some unhelpful commentary.

  “It would certainly help with your ‘hunger’.”

  I must’ve stood there for a solid kedu, trying to figure out how to respond when the tendril faded a bit and Nioka’s smile faded.

  “Sorry,” she said, her voice pouring out, “I’m not normally that… uh… bold. But we’ve been drinking and you did save my life today and you’re really pretty and…” She trailed off, her face a caricature of embarrassment

  I nodded absently, and put my hands up. “You… we… it’s okay.” I said. “We should both be in bed.”

  She nodded, grateful and quickly walked off towards her tent. The tendril never disappeared, just thinning to the point I couldn’t see it any more the farther she got. But now that I had touched it, I knew it was still there. That I could pluck it again.

  My eyes fell to the tendril connecting me to Conhal. It was about the same size as Nioka’s had been when she was by the fire and was still holding fast to him. Unlike hers, however, there was no sense of attachment or permanence. I experimentally took a few steps away and watched it fade into nothingness. I moved my hand through the air where it had been, but my hand found nothing. I moved back towards the fire and watched it reform and reattach. Real enough that I thought I could touch it. My curiosity spun, wondering. It looked the same, but sugar and salt looked similar at a distance too. Would ‘plucking’ this string cause Conhal to have the same response? At the same strength?

  “One way to find out.”

  My hand twitched, curiosity nearly getting the better of me. But then I thought back to Nioka’s last words. Her embarrassment. She said her actions were abnormal. The tendril had done something to her, or at least to her judgment. And that wasn’t something I was willing to intentionally cause just for the sake of my curiosity. I dismissed the spell, letting the aura enhanced vision fade away and the tendrils go with them. I had come out here looking for answers, but only found more questions.

  Unsatisfied, I went back to my tent and tried to sleep. It did not come to me easily.