Chapter 27

  Dr Pete Will See You Now

  It had been well over a day since I’d last slept, so I decided to take a short break before heading to Floor Five.

  I wasn’t sure whether it was a secondary benefit of durability or something else, but I’d noticed some significant changes in my sleep requirements over the past few months. Not only did I need to sleep less often, but when I did sleep, I only needed an hour or two to feel fully refreshed.

  Or maybe it was a benefit of strength…

  Think about it.

  Power naps.

  I may have been lacking in many things, but power was not on the list.

  * * *

  Nap complete, I made my way to Floor Five.

  After training agility - and discovering that I had the coordination of a toddler who’d snuck a sip of his dad’s beer - I’d come to an important realisation.

  Neglecting intelligence entirely might not be the wisest move. Who knew when it might come back to bite me?

  Now, let me be clear: I wasn’t about to take out a library membership and spend fourteen hours a day reading textbooks thicker than the troll king’s biceps. But I also wasn’t going to ignore opportunities when they presented themselves on a silver platter.

  Fortunately, Floor Five did exactly that: it was home to a mind-controlling demon who was incredibly easy to infuriate.

  The place was full of steep inclines and declines, the treacherous ground constantly shifting and crumbling beneath my feet. During my first visit, I’d spent much of my time doing my best to ensure I didn’t end up on my backside. This time, however, my new and improved agility was proving its worth. My body just seemed to be… smarter. I was more sure-footed and my balance and coordination were vastly improved.

  “Well, what do we have here?” said Evalria, her voice unnaturally smooth. “A lone wanderer travelling through our lands? What a delightful treat.”

  I turned to face her, and she looked every bit as intimidating as the first time I’d seen her. Tall, red skin, enormous wings, and a physique that made me feel just a little bit inadequate.

  “I’m sorry, lady,” I said. “My mom told me not to talk to strangers.”

  Her lips parted in a predatory smile.

  “Oh, don’t be silly,” she said, taking a slow step towards me. “Everyone is a stranger until they introduce themselves. My name is Evalria, and I think we’re going to be very good friends…”

  Her voice seemed to seep into my mind, scattering my thoughts and dulling my awareness. I shook my head, trying to shake the feeling loose, but it refused to budge.

  I felt myself take a step towards her.

  What was I worried about? She seemed perfectly friendly and had shown me nothing but kindness. Why shouldn’t I trust her?

  I took another step.

  Evalria’s smile deepened, and her wings seemed to shiver with excitement.

  I stumbled to a stop and reached up to scratch the side of my head. There was something thudding against the walls of my consciousness, growing more insistent with each passing second.

  What was it?

  A voice pierced the mental fog, growing in volume and intensity with each word. It sounded very judgmental and a little bit disappointed.

  It was the voice of Subconscious Pete.

  “Snap out of it, dumbass!”

  You have gained 1 intelligence.

  Current intelligence: 3

  Holy shit.

  That was way too close for comfort. What had made the ability so much more effective this time round? Did its potency vary? Did Rel’s presence somehow weaken its effect?

  I filed the thoughts away for later.

  I looked up at Evalria, her eyes narrowing as she realised her spell had broken. She raised both hands, and I watched with morbid fascination as her jagged nails - black as midnight - extended into menacing claws.

  I winked at her.

  “Lady, if you’re going to try and mindfuck me,” I said, “you could at least buy me dinner first.”

  Her expression darkened.

  “You will soon wish that you had not resisted my compulsion,” she hissed. “It would have been far less painful for you that way.”

  The predatory smile returned, the air around her seeming to grow heavier.

  “I suppose I’ll have to drag your unconscious body back to the palace,” she continued. “But first, I think I’ll have a little fun of my own.”

  With that, she exploded into motion, a furious red blur hurtling toward me.

  Like our first encounter, she was outrageously fast, but this time her movement didn’t seem quite as impossible to follow. My body seemed to almost instinctively twist a little as her clawed hand drove towards me. I couldn’t dodge it entirely, but rather than landing a direct hit, her claws scraped across my chest, leaving a trail of broken skin.

  For the briefest moment, her eyes widened in surprise.

  Then her attack began in earnest.

  I dodged and deflected what I could, but my body was soon covered in a tapestry of very minor cuts and scrapes. Her apparent inability to do me any real harm infuriated her further, and her assault grew more and more berserk, any pretence of ‘dragging my unconscious body back to the palace’ apparently long forgotten.

  She wanted to tear me to pieces.

  Sorry to disappoint, unhinged demon lady.

  Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  You have gained 1 agility.

  Current agility: 10

  I took a step back, disengaging, and raised an eyebrow as I studied her. She was breathing heavily, more from the unbridled fury threatening to consume her than from actual exhaustion.

  “Why are you so angry?” I asked.

  Her black eyes narrowed as my question worked its way through her clouded mind.

  “I mean, seriously,” I continued. “Look at you - you’re so angry you can barely control your own actions. Is it a demon thing? Or is it because of some childhood trauma you’ve buried deep down? Perhaps this aggressive behaviour is its way of making itself known.”

  “I… I don’t have to answer to a worm like you,” she snarled.

  I took another step back and held up my hands placatingly.

  “Listen, lady,” I said. “I’m not trying to tell you what to think or feel, but being this angry all the time can’t be good for your blood pressure.”

  I wished I had a nice chaise longue for her to lie on. And perhaps a pair of glasses and a notepad for myself.

  Dr Pete will see you now.

  My rates are very reasonable. Results not guaranteed.

  No refunds.

  “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life,” I continued. “It’s that you’ll never truly be happy if you keep handing the keys to your emotions to other people.”

  The expression on her face cycled through several emotions before once again settling on anger. She let loose a throat-tearing scream and launched herself at me.

  She was greeted by my fist.

  Her body collapsed to the ground, a hole the size of a dinner plate in her chest.

  “I feel like we’ve made some real progress today,” I said, as I knelt down to loot her corpse. “We can dig a little deeper in our next session.”

  I opened the loot window and saw Evalria had only dropped one item. The icon looked to be some sort of whip with some very interesting barbs at the end.

  Demonic Whip of Unimaginable Pain

  A whip favoured by demon nobility. Inflicts severe physical pain and significantly increases compliance.

  Equipping the whip grants the following bonuses:

  + 1 strength

  + 1 intelligence

  + Targets become more susceptible to suggestion

  Holy shit.

  What had she been planning to do to me if the mind control had worked...?

  Some things are better left to the imagination.

  I rose to my feet and turned towards King Azzarath’s palace. I couldn’t see it through the thick haze choking the air, but I had a rough idea where it was.

  * * *

  As I raced towards the palace, I once again found myself appreciating my agility gains. My strength level enabled me to move with absurd speed, but I’d done it with all the grace of an elephant on ice – my mind unable to keep up with my body.

  Now, though, it didn’t feel quite so out of my control. There was still a long way to go before my agility could truly synergise with my strength, but I was definitely moving in the right direction.

  It’s difficult to describe the sensation of moving so quickly. The world around me appeared as something of a blur, but it was a blur that my mind and body seemed to be able to understand and react to. It was almost like I was developing a sixth sense.

  All in all, it was fucking cool.

  When I reached the outer walls of Azzarath’s palace, I didn’t bother to stop to deal with the guards. Instead, I went straight through the gate.

  The fact it was closed was entirely irrelevant.

  I only stopped when I reached the foot of the narrow path leading up to the palace itself. My lips parted in a grin when I saw the gates swing open. I waved enthusiastically at the demon who stepped out to glance down at me. He glared in response, then turned to speak to someone inside.

  My grin widened when I heard the sound I’d been waiting for: stone grinding against stone.

  The boulder.

  Two demons, their grunts of effort audible even from where I stood, rolled the boulder into position at the edge of the incline. They gave it one final shove and gravity took over.

  I rubbed my hands together gleefully as it started to gather speed.

  Just like on my first visit, I caught it.

  But this time, I didn’t hurl it back up the hill.

  Oh, no – I had a much better idea.

  Back on Earth, I never really had the motivation to fully commit to working out, but I’d spent a not-insignificant amount of time researching what to do on the rare occasions I actually made it to the gym. As a result, I was somewhat familiar with a range of exercises.

  The next twenty minutes consisted of what I have no doubt was one of the most absurd workouts in the history of the galaxy.

  Unfortunately, the boulder was too light to offer any real resistance, so I had to get a little creative.

  Ever seen a person shoulder-press a boulder the size of a pick-up truck with one finger?

  No? Well, neither had the demons.

  A small crowd had gathered at the palace gates. They watched, transfixed – an equal mix of horror and fascination etched across their faces.

  The boulder’s unwieldy size limited my options, but I did my best.

  Squats.

  Bench press. Minus the bench.

  Farmer’s walk.

  Calf raises.

  All in all, it was a decent workout.

  You have gained 1 strength.

  Current strength: 39

  Once I’d finished, I tossed the boulder aside.

  The sound of it crashing against the side of the path seemed to shatter the spell the spectating demons had been under. Any fascination vanished and all that remained was the horror. Dozens of pairs of wings snapped into being, and the sky was suddenly full of fleeing demons.

  So that explained why some of the demons had wings and others didn’t – they could will them in and out of existence.

  Cool.

  I wondered if it was a spell you could learn from a scroll. Rel would love that shit. Imagine it: a squirrel with a majestic wizard’s hat and demonic wings. That would be enough to give anyone nightmares.

  I strolled up the path and entered the grand hallway.

  Without mountains of rubble and a thick layer of stone dust covering the place, the hallway was pretty damn impressive.

  The floor was polished to the point that I could almost see my reflection in it.

  I quickly looked away.

  Rel may have been onto something with the hair comment.

  Lining the walls on either side of me were magnificent statues – the sort you’d find in any respectable dictator’s base of operations. A few of them were… let’s just say the sculptors had vivid imaginations. They were lent a somewhat sinister edge by the sickly red light streaming in through the tall windows.

  Like on my first visit, King Azzarath waited at the top of the stairs, his colossal axe in hand. This time, however, he was completely alone. It seemed my display with the boulder had caused even his most loyal warriors to shit themselves and flee.

  “You are a most interesting creature,” he boomed. “It would almost be a shame to have to kill you.”

  He descended the stairs, the metal of his armour clanging against the stone and echoing through the open hall. He moved with the grace of a predator, but there was a hint of uncertainty in his movement, as if he couldn’t quite decide whether or not his ‘prey’ was about to fuck his shit up.

  “I have a proposition for you,” he continued. “How-”

  I raised a hand to cut him off.

  “Sorry, buddy,” I said. “I don’t swing that way.”

  And there it was – the vein in his neck started to throb violently.

  I grinned.

  “I will give you one chance to reconsider your insolence,” snarled Azzarath. “Join me as my second-in-command and there will be no limit to the heights you can reach. The very Heavens themselves will tremble at our coming.”

  “Tremble at our coming?” I said. “Do you ever think before you speak? Phrasing!”

  It turns out that I did not need Rel to annoy people – I was more than capable on my own.

  Azzarath’s fury wiped away any lingering doubt, and he charged, raising the axe over his head in a devastating two-handed swing. I sidestepped the attack, his momentum carrying the axe into the ground instead.

  It exploded in a shower of stone and dust.

  My right fist blurred outwards and struck his armour, the punch containing just enough power to make him feel it, but not enough to break his spirit.

  It dented slightly and Azzarath snarled, taking a step back to reset the fight.

  “Impressive,” he said, grimacing as he glanced at the damage I’d done. “This armour was crafted in a divine forge.”

  I sensed that he was about to begin another one of his questionable recruitment speeches, so I re-engaged before he could hit his stride.

  I didn’t need to hear any more of his propositions.

  It was a rather interesting fight. By which I mean it was a massive pain in the ass. I could sense that Azzarath’s courage was as thin as a piece of paper. His anger added a second sheet as reinforcement, but at the end of the day, what the fuck are two pieces of paper going to do?

  To ensure he didn’t try to run away like the little chicken shit he was, I had to give him the illusion that he had a chance. That required some pretty impressive acting on my part. Honestly, the groans, the heavy panting, the carefully restrained punches – it was award-worthy stuff.

  He clearly thought so too, as the fight lasted for nearly fifteen minutes before he realised something was wrong.

  Leaping backwards, he created a little space between us.

  “You have fought well,” he said, the faintest tremor of uncertainty in his voice. I guess his acting skills were pretty good too. “Such a worthy opponent is deserving of respect. Therefore, if you agr-”

  His voice trailed off as he looked at me properly. I saw his eyes widen as they drifted over my body, noting the damage – or lack thereof – that his axe had caused. Sure, there were cuts and a few slightly deeper gashes, but nothing to suggest he’d just spent fifteen minutes hacking the shit out of me.

  I sighed.

  Here we go…

  The silence was broken by enormous wings cracking open as they burst into existence.

  Since Rel didn’t need the armour this time, I figured I’d test the ‘divine’ quality. I hadn’t unleashed a full-powered punch since Floor Three, and I’d grown a fair bit stronger since then.

  Eh, why not?

  My fist connected with Azzaroth’s chest.

  He was atomised.

  As was the entire staircase and most of the wall unfortunate enough to be behind him.