I’m sorry for not letting you in on my thoughts for so long. I kind of decided to take some time away from the whole adventuring thing after everything that happened. I figured it would be wise to stay on the farm. I couldn’t leave my mum with three kids and just disappear. Especially given the state that Svampe was in.
The last four years have been a very different kind of struggle for me. Much less life threatening than normal… which has been a refreshing change… but still… a struggle none the less.
I should probably start by talking about Svampe. He… he was not okay when he emerged from that cocoon. Even after all this time, he hasn’t talked about what happened. We’ve tried to encourage him to… remind him that this is a safe place and that unburdening yourself can help significantly. But I guess it’s just too painful for him to think about.
He was catatonic for the first couple of weeks after he emerged. He didn’t say a thing. We would sit him up to feed him, take him to the bathroom, clean him, etc. And he would just do as he was directed… with this horrible… vacant look on his face. When he did start talking again, it was just single words initially. Fortunately, he talks pretty normally now… but it took years for him to get to this point.
It took over a year to get him to leave his bedroom for anything other than the bathroom. The poor boy was terrified. Even now, four years later, he hasn’t left the farm… not once. He helps with chores about the place and helps keep an eye on Tadwick… which is good… gives him something to focus on… but when you ask him about going to town to help sell the produce… you can see the panic in his eyes.
It is such a shame… because I can imagine he craves social contact with others his age. He is seventeen now. And puberty has hit him like a ton of bricks. He basically looks like… well… he is a grown man. He’s ridiculously tall. He has this kind of wild hair… that Kiyui informs me is called an afro… I guess because when I saw him when he was younger his hair was always tightly pulled back, I never noticed it. Then of course, he lost all of his hair during that horrific transformation that he went through. I’m surprised he hasn’t started tying it back like he used to. Maybe that brings back too many memories for him.
He has really hairy legs too… and armpits… as well as other areas. He even seems to have a bit of a moustache and goatee. He isn’t quite as hairy as Agaroth… but still… hairier than I would have expected from a human of his age… he looks like a man in his late twenties. His voice is incredibly deep too. He is actually quite an imposing sight when he stands up straight… especially when you factor in the scars and the massive tendrils that protrude from his back.
Despite his looks, he is an incredibly sensitive and careful young man. If anybody from outside of the family comes by the farm, he instantly retreats back to his bedroom. Fortunately, we don’t often get visitors that aren’t considered family. Even Olly, Dolly and Lucas are considered part of our family by most people at this point… although I don’t personally agree with that assessment.
I do worry that despite all of the progress that Svampe has made… I think he is depressed. And none of us really know how to help him with that. Because… I mean… we can’t force him to not be… we can’t make him talk to us about it… that would probably just make him feel worse… but if he isn’t ready… or willing to talk to us… then what can we really do to help him? What he went through isn’t going to be something that he ever forgets… how on earth do you help somebody move on from that? Can anybody ever actually move on from that?
Tadwick and Alexi have both experienced awful traumas as well. But they were significantly younger when it happened to them… their memories aren’t as vivid. In all honesty… I don’t know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I genuinely don’t think Tadwick would even be able to talk clearly about what happened to him. He seems less effected by what happened than Svampe… but at the same time… he has his own issues that he can’t even talk about because he doesn’t understand them himself. Him not having clear memories just makes it harder for him to process what happened.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
I say all of this… you are probably thinking the same thing that I was thinking four years ago. That Tadwick seems basically fine. And back then, he certainly seemed that way. I think he had this weird delayed response. A few months after the wedding, he started waking up through the night… screaming, crying, and sweating to a horrific extent. As a result, he wasn’t getting the sleep that he needed… he ended up with dark circles around his eyes and he just looked so tired.
Kiyui and I are taking it in turns to sleep in his bedroom with him on an evening, so that we can comfort him as quickly as possible and help him calm down. He goes to sleep well enough initially… it is normally a couple of hours later that he wakes up. So, we spend about an hour together after the kids have gone to bed before one of us goes to his room.
When it is Kiyui’s turn, he takes his lyre up with him and plays it to help soothe Tadwick back to sleep. I don’t have such musical skills however, so I just end up cuddling him… which is weird because he is actually taller than me now… not that he seems to care… he still tries to climb on me and have big cuddles and things… which is sweet… even if I do almost end up suffocated.
It is like everything that he can’t consciously remember… everything that he has repressed… comes flooding back into his head when he sleeps. But during the day he’s a happy normal boy.
Then of course there is Alexi. Who continues to be viewed as a model child by many. But Alexi worries me more than the other two. It’s like he isn’t even a child. Even Svampe occasionally smiles… and even at seventeen he enjoys the occasional childish thing… like Tadwick’s current obsession with fart jokes. But Alexi… there is just nothing childish going on there.
He does his chores… perfectly… and on time… most of the time before Tadwick has even finished getting ready in the morning. Then he helps Tadwick to do his chores… then does the work he is directed to do in his lessons with my mum… again… perfectly and without question… and during free time, he basically does what he is directed to do by Tadwick. He doesn’t ask for anything… he doesn’t make requests… anything you give him he feels unworthy of and tries to give back… we actively have to order him to accept gifts from us.
He has so little self-worth. It is heart-breaking. He was systematically abused for years… and now he just sees himself as something to be used by others. In his head he isn’t worthy of having wants… and no matter how much we try to convince him otherwise, he just doesn’t seem to be improving in this area. I love him to bits and I know that other people consider him easy… but I look at him… every single day I look at him… and I just wish he could be like every other kid that I know.
Tadwick might be argumentative and lazy at times… particularly when it comes to reading and maths lessons… but that’s mainly because he is aware of what he wants out of life. Sure, he has issues… but he is happy the majority of the time. As I said before… I think Svampe is depressed… he often appears unhappy… but at least he is clearly feeling something. Alexi… he just seems… dead to feeling. I have never seen him cry, or get upset, or smile, or even react when getting hurt.
Tadwick talked him into a pretend sword duel the other week and Tadwick accidentally let go of his sword. It hit Alexi straight in the eye. He had this horrific black eye… my mum had to use healing magic on it… even though he protested against the use of healing magic because he said “to do so would be a waste of mana.” Tadwick stubbed his toe on a door the other day and begged for my mum to heal it because the pain was “unbearable.”
How do you teach somebody to feel? How do you teach somebody that they are valid as an individual? That they matter? That they are worthy of the life that they have? How do you teach somebody that their emotions are important? That they shouldn’t repress them? That it is okay to feel pain? That it is okay to show that you are hurt? That it is okay to actually want things? I don’t know how to help Tadwick or Svampe with their problems… but Alexi is an entirely different level of complexity and I just do not have the slightest inkling of what to do with him.
