Winters are commonly silent, I don't know if it's because of some physics thing I don't know about or what, but I feel like the snow is capable of killing sound and preventing it from traveling like it normally would.
Maybe it has something to do with the lack of visibility? Snow usually means that I can't see faraway, and that somehow messes up with all my other senses.
Regardless of the reason, here, in this silent snowscape, when someone initiates conversation, there's no other choice but to talk and listen. Being forced to interact with people like this can have its benefits, but for me, all I feel is dread at the thought of getting emotionally trapped.
"Hey Rontress."
Developing some kind of unwanted topic with my brother is one of the main reasons why I didn't want him here. With us forced to talk like this by the environment, it feels like I have no other choice but to interact. Who knows what we'll talk about? Not pretty things, that's for sure.
"Yes?" The words were forced out, I didn't want to actually say them. I have to anyway, because the ensuing silence would be worse than whatever conversation is coming.
Howaph would think I'm avoiding him, and he'd be right to do so.
"How come you're always so calm? Even when things become bad, you always keep your composure and find the best solution to all our problems."
"What are you saying?" I try not to snap at him, to say something harsh and hurt him. It leaks into my tone, my brother knows this and yet he doesn't care.
"I'm saying that I want to be like you, to be... Depended on, it feels like everyone in our family, no, our community, has a lot of trust in you... Including me." I know damn well that my brother wouldn't hesitate to admit that kind of thing in the past, what changed?
"Thank you?" My eyes scan him, yet I find nothing. Is there something wrong with me? I usually read how he's feeling so well. "You want to be depended on? Is that it? I'm not sure how to react to that, maybe if you tell me more?"
I am stalling. How stupid. Then again, it's a half-lie, I also want to know about his true feelings, I want him to say them to me directly, not this half-assed bullshit where he pretends like he isn't hurt by my decisions.
Goddamnit, I don't want any of them to be spineless when talking to me! I don't want them to put me on a pedestal either! I just wanted to be treated normally!
"Rontress, I don't know what to do anymore, on one hand, I'm happy that you're doing so much for us, that you're helping us in every way you could, but on the other? I want you to be free already, to no longer be bound by us and actually start making your own decisions!" My brother stops walking, I do as well.
We stare at each other, our gazes determined with not a single one willing to back down or look weak. He was serious, and I am confused, albeit ready to accept whatever it is he wanted to say.
"... And I know that I'm not saying that purely because I love you." First I saw the hurt in my brother's face, the guilt in his voice, then in the next, I saw the tears running down his cheek. "I hate you! I hate you with all my heart!"
A single nod was all he got in response, I had expected this sort of outcome, where all of them feels some kind of envy towards me, even if it's just subconscious and they still think of me as some kind of saint normally, it doesn't change that deep down, they are starting to hate me.
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Not because I hurt them, but because I am too much.
That's just how it goes isn't it?
People are normally prejudiced against those that do better than them in life, at those who, in their eyes, are superior in every way. Maybe it's different if we never interacted, like how there's a gap between a celebrity and their fans, but we talk to each other every day, we care for each other, and I try my best to treat them with respect.
And it's that intimacy that makes them all think that I shouldn't be better than them, I mean, we're all in the same situation aren't we? But that's only in their mind.
Assuming that I wanted it, I can just leave them behind and make them eat dust, there's nothing they can do about it. They know this too, but the fact that I am still with them must be frustrating.
Because I'm still with them, and so their feelings are now hard to describe because of it. The human heart is simply too complicated, and even my own understanding of their emotions are shallow, just the tip of a very deep iceberg.
"I'm not apologizing, Howaph." He froze and looked at me, yeah, did you expect me to lower myself even further? To make you feel superior? That will only make things worse.
"And neither should you, but if you want to hear something from me, then, all I want to say is that you should learn to accept that I will always outgrow you, that I am and will be better than you." My eyes darted everywhere but at him. "No amount of hard work will make you catch up, and I am not gonna apologize for that."
"I-I see." A bitter laugh comes out of his mouth, he wipes his eyes with his sleeve. "So it all comes down to that huh? I really am a bad brother."
"Yeah, you are." My reply got him to stop his pity party and look at me. "And I am a lying sister who left her family behind." I hugged him. "We're both at fault, and at the end of the day, there's nothing we can do but move on, is there?"
"I love you." He says before hugging me back. "Okay? I am genuinely sorry for feeling like this and—"
"You don't have to feel bad for anything." I reassure him, I don't know if it has an effect on him though. "You and I are still related by blood, and even if you hate me with every fiber of your being, with all your heart, I will still love you."
"I know." His tears are now falling down like waterfalls, I can feel them soaking my shoulders. "I'll try my best to not make you regret the support you have been giving, and will give."
"Mhmm." I only hum in response. "Thank you."
"I really don't want to hate you, but seeing you do everything I wish I can is just..."
"I understand." My embrace pulls him further into me, of course he would say that, I don't care whether he keeps his words or not, I will keep mine and support him no matter what. "Thank you."
"I'll try my best, okay?"
"You do that." My reply was soft, yet full of affection.
Our boots left marks on the snow, it's deep enough that I feel myself sink with each step. The boot prints would be covered up in a short while and the two of us would have to make our way back all on our own.
Not that it's a problem, navigation usually isn't for me, even with the lack of landmarks present. Funny thing is, I was actually pretty bad with directions in my past life, I was forced to learn how to do it in this life though.
What with all the traveling and lack of technology and all that fancy stuff. Honestly, I don't regret it one bit.
Howaph was still weak from his prior injuries and his recovery so far has been sub par, still, the idiot somehow came to the conclusion that he should help me hunt food, and after learning his feelings, I realize that this is his way of trying to feel useful.
For a brief moment, I considered letting him get the kill just so he can feel some sense of satisfaction from all of this. I decided not to in the end, there's a decent chance that he gets injured again and that it will be my fault this time, I won't let anyone but myself take the blame if he gets hurt while being so close to me.
Together, we stall through the snow, two dots in an otherwise white backdrop.
Most of the time, something like this would be intimidating— and it is, even with the kind of firepower at my disposal, I am still terrified of what might be hiding in the fog. — there's only two of us in this empty place, with a bunch of man-sized animals surrounding us on all sides.
Yet despite that, I stop myself from getting scared, because my brother is with me, and a single lapse in judgement, even from something as simple as a flinch, will allow a predator to pass me and get to him.
And I don't want that to happen.
