—— ? ——

  “Absolutely NOT.” Melodian roared into his divine space.

  The god had been interrupted by the arrival of laughter.

  He had teleported to the arrival area of his realm only to find the mortal, Simon.

  “How is this possible? I cursed you! I sent you away! How are you here?!” the god continued to rage.

  Simon Starfall was still in a manic state of laughter. He had fallen over after the shift and was just rolling on the ground, laughter pealing across the realm, grating on the god’s mind.

  “I… hahahhahaha. I just can’t. Hahahaha. Tuesdays, am I right?!” Simon gasped out between breaths and giggles.

  “This doesn’t make any sense! Why?!” Melodian continued over the laughter.

  Simon just kept laughing until his belly hurt and tears rolled down his cheeks. After several minutes, he finally got himself under control and took a couple of steady breaths. As he got to his feet, he looked at the concerned god.

  Melodian had a far-off look, his eyes moving as if he was rapidly reading something.

  Simon shook his head and looked around the realm he had left barely an hour ago. As the same sweet scents of exotic flowers met his nose, his eyes swept over the rolling hills and picturesque sunset.

  He coughed to get Melodian’s attention and asked.

  “Sooooooooo… This is a bit awkward… So now what?”

  Melodian snapped out of his stupor for a moment and glared at him. He silently shook his head and went back to whatever it was that he was doing.

  Oh, the silent treatment? Simon thought, grinning evilly.

  He hummed a particular tune.

  “Would you STOP that!” The god snapped back in milliseconds.

  “It’s rude to just ignore a question,” Simon said dryly.

  “I am trying to figure out what is going on, you petulant creature. Your small mind may not grasp what is happening, but I can assure you this is an abnormal event, or a mistake.” Melodian explained with a dismissive voice.

  “I’ll agree with you there. It’s pretty funny though.”

  “Nothing about this has anything approaching humor. Not that you would know, I have memories of your attempts.”

  Simon frowned.

  He hummed again.

  “GAH! If you don’t stop that, I am—“

  “What?! Try to do your creepy, invasive mind shit?! Yeah, let’s see how that goes, oh, Melodian the Miniscule. Or should I keep calling you Mr. Rapunzel? No tower here, so I feel like it falls flat as far as nicknames go… Hmmm… Maybe a new nickname. Mr. Minuscule? I think like that one. Maybe you could go by…”

  “Oh, in all the doomed realms. Do you ever shut up?” Melodian cut him off, letting out an exasperated sigh.

  “Sometimes. Maybe on Tuesdays. I’ll have to think about that one… Hmmm, do I ever shut up?” Simon furrowed his brow deep in thought. “No, I don’t really think so…” he muttered.

  “No. No way. I refuse to give this horrible, ungrateful, petulant, unwilling mortal any form of boon.” Melodian said, his voice rising in anger. “I will not allow this. It cannot be.”

  Simon was about to hit him with a snarky comment when the god took a sharp breath in and made a series of complicated gestures. Simon took a step back and prepared his mind for some strange, divine, magical, or mental crap.

  In a booming, chant-like voice, Melodian called out.

  “I, Melodian the Magnificent, invoke my divine right to have an arbiter of the system come and give an explanation and render a ruling. “

  As he uttered the last syllable, a hush fell over the realm. Silence reigned, and it felt like time had frozen.

  The silence dragged on for several long seconds.

  Then, without fanfare, reality bent.

  A faint shimmering line split the air between them, like someone drawing a blade through silk. The tear widened with perfect symmetry. No crackles of energy, vibration, or noise came from the tear as it widened. It was as if the world itself simply moved out of the way of the void. From it stepped a figure.

  It was a humanoid outline, but had an unmistakable ‘other’ quality to it. Skin like smooth porcelain laced with intricate bioluminescent patterns, glowing softly in pulsing shades of blue, crimson, and gold. Veins of light traced elaborate fractal circuits across its body, converging at the center of its chest. There they swirled into a radiant flower-like design that pulsed with every breathless moment. Its eyes glowed an unsettling, perfect blue. It had short crystalline white hair and a face that was androgynous, soft, and strange. As if someone with no understanding of emotion had created an ‘approachable’ face.

  The voice came not from its mouth, but was an omnipresent resonance that vibrated both Simon and Melodian’s minds. As it spoke, the words appeared like captions on a system prompt that had appeared between the two.

  —- SYSTEM NOTICE—-

  > ARBITRATION REQUESTED

  Invocation by Melodian the Magnificent has been acknowledged.

  Dispute registered over Simon Starfall’s reassignment following rejection from other divine candidates. Following the guidelines laid out in the pact between the divines and the System, a final divine candidate was set to be assigned.

  Simon Starfall’s cursed status with two deities made voluntary offering to others implausible.

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  Analysis dictated that the optimal choice would be through random assignment.

  ——————————

  “I understand that, arbiter. But how is it possible for him to be brought to me again?” Melodian asked in a respectful tone that Simon had never heard the god use.

  The Arbiter’s glowing chest swirled once more, pulsing rhythmically.

  ——————————

  To exclude all who have issued curses would limit the pool of eligible deities.

  Limitations will not be allowed.

  When an assignment is enforced, all deities remain equally viable candidates during randomized assignment.

  To do otherwise would create bias.

  Simon Starfall’s presence here is the outcome of that unbiased process.

  ——————————

  Melodian’s face twitched, but he maintained his composure.

  “Surely exceptions can be made for repeated conflicts, Arbiter. This mortal is uniquely problematic and unsuited as a follower. “

  The Arbiter tilted its head slightly, the shifting patterns on its body swirling as it processed.

  ——————————

  Divine dissatisfaction noted.

  Mortals are not judged by worthiness in random reassignment protocols.

  Selection remains binding.

  ——————————

  Simon couldn’t help himself. He walked over and leaned in close to Melodian with a grin.

  “Sounds like you’re stuck with me, Mr. Minuscule.“

  He gave the Arbiter a big thumbs up.

  Melodian’s jaw clenched, but he said nothing.

  ——————————

  Arbitration complete.

  Assignment remains valid.

  This assignment will be under observation by the System.

  Harmony is offered, growth is earned, limits are unknown.

  ——————————

  With its last sentence, the Arbiter stepped back into the rift, and it disappeared. A moment later, the rift just… wasn’t. There was no fanfare, no pop, nothing. One moment it was there; the next, it felt like the world denied it had ever existed.

  Simon looked at the god, clenching his jaw. He continued to smile with his best overly friendly expression.

  “Fine,” Melodian snarled after a moment.

  Simon gave him a big thumbs-up.

  “As your assigned patron, I will give you a boon as decreed by the System.” As Melodian stated this, the world whipped around them.

  Instead of moving Simon and himself, the world had moved to place them both in seats at a white and green marble table in a wooded glade. The chair bumping into Simon’s legs made him stumble and sit.

  Melodian smiled for the first time in a while at Simon’s look of shock.

  “Just because I cannot enforce my will on you, Mortal. Does not mean you are safe. This is my realm, in case you forgot that bit of information. Before I grant your boon, a word of advice. Perhaps avoid deities and their devout followers in the future.”

  “See, you can say things we will both agree on. Amazing,” Simon replied, leaning the chair back on its back legs. The white, soft wood made the chair surprisingly comfortable.

  Melodian just shook his head and went back to his weird, zoned-out look. Simon shrugged and looked around the clearing.

  Must be a place in some of those woods on the hills I saw earlier. I wonder if most people just come straight here. He thought as he waited for the god to finish whatever it was he was doing.

  The trees distracted Simon, but he made sure to always keep the god in his vision. Never knew when the guy was going to go for a finger snap.

  His blood ran cold when he caught the look of happiness on Melodian’s face.

  “Uh, are you good there?” he asked nervously.

  “Oh yes. Great, actually!” Melodian exclaimed, “Now, for your blessing from me. I have something that would fit you perfectly. In order to make up for the curse, I think it’s only fair that I give you some extra help.”

  Simon had a really, really terrible feeling about this.

  “Oh.. psh.. Don’t worry about it, Melodian the Magnificent. Just hit me up with the standard package and send me on my way. Why don’t you? You know, you can’t be biased or hinder.. Or whatever it was the system said, right?” Simon replied, feeling the sense of dread grow.

  “Don’t worry, Simon Starfall. It’s not anything extra, nor is it going to hinder you or be biased against you. In fact.” Melodian swiped his hand up towards the sky and then waited. After a moment he nodded and continued, “I just ran it by the System and it has accepted my blessing as valid.”

  The feeling of dread had grown until Simon was sure there was a cloud floating over his head. With another gesture, the world moved again, and Simon was just able to balance and then stand before falling on his butt.

  They were back in the landing area of the realm. Melodian walked up to Simon, who was still trying to steady himself, and put his hand on Simon’s shoulder.

  “I, Melodian the Magnificent, bestow upon Simon Starfall my boon and other benefits.”

  With that, he gave Simon an aggressive pat on the shoulder.

  “Good luck!”

  The world tilted, and Simon’s mind panicked.

  Melodian’s smug, triumphant grin was the last thing he saw.

  —— ? ——

  The sky spun. Snow-capped mountains blurred in the distance as Simon’s body tumbled downward, the air slicing past him as he plunged toward a distant valley.

  A System prompt dominated Simon’s vision as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on.

  —- SYSTEM NOTICE—-

  > INTEGRATION COMPLETE

  > Assigned Patron: Melodian the Magnificent

  > Boon: Optimal Starting Location + Enhanced Skill

  In recognition of your unconventional circumstances, Melodian the Magnificent has offered an enhanced skill and designated a starting location for you.

  > Skill: Theodia’s Instrumental Summon (Inferior) - Growth-Class - Ravenous

  Description:

  Theodia was a bard with exceptional improvisational mastery. Gifted with an innate ability to adapt to any melody, instrument, or performance, she refused to be constrained by the tools available to her. Dissatisfied with the limitations of the instruments she carried, Theodia created an improvised summoning technique allowing her to manifest instruments on demand.

  This early version of hers was an imperfect skill. Though limited, it laid the foundation for her eventual ascension as one of the most celebrated bards who followed Melodian the Magnificent.

  Use: Summons a random instrument for the user. This instrument will persist for five minutes.

  Cooldown: 60 seconds.

  Note: This skill is a Growth skill; it can grow in rarity. Theodia’s desire for the skill remains, causing it to be Ravenous. Ravenous skills will consume all skill points available until they reach their potential.

  > Optimal Starting Location: Glacial Valley of Varnholt - Mountain Hillside

  Terrain: Isolated alpine basin surrounded by high mountain ridges.

  Climate: Cold, stable seasonal cycle.

  Resources: High (rare minerals, unique crafting materials, alchemical flora)

  Threat: Low to moderate

  Population Center: Varnholt Artisan Enclave - Town

  A settlement suited for its concentration of artisans, performers, alchemists, crafters, and musical practitioners. Economic structure built on trade, performance, and commissioned works.

  Harmony is offered. Growth is earned. Limits are unknown.

  Good luck, Simon Starfall.

  ——————————

  The system prompt faded from view, its final words lingering in Simon’s mind.

  Good luck, Simon Starfall.

  The sky spun.

  The world tipped.

  Icy wind howled in his ears as the distant valley rushed up to meet him, a blur of crystalline snow, jagged ridgelines, and scattered trees each growing larger by the second.

  Simon flailed, but was at the mercy of the force known as gravity.

  The ground surged closer, and Simon only had time to shout.

  “MELODIAN, YOU SON OF A–”

  —— ? ——

  — AUTHOR NOTICE —

  > Thanks for all of the follows, favorites and comments!

  ~TheBusyBard

  Harmony is offered, growth is earned, Limits are unknown.

  ——————————