Greg nodded off from boredom as the alarm woke him. He rolled his eyes as Izzy slapped him on the way past.

  "Wake up, nimrod, we got a ship on radar." She muttered. Greg grumbled, ruffling his hair and slipping on his slippers. The ship shuttered as some kind of energy beam locked onto it. Greg rushed to the bridge viewscreen to see the grey interior of a shuttle bay that was swallowing the entire Tast-E-Chill, just barely.

  "Hail them." Greg ordered. Duffy clicked the thing that did that. The screen lit up as a familiar Captain Goodspeed smirked, familiar to the dipshits last encounter, and familiar to Greg in a very different way. Izzy was clueless. Greg squinted with a look of disbelief. He burst into laughter.

  "What the ass?" he chuckled happily. She looked perplexed.

  "This is Captain Patricia Goodspeed of the Federal Starship Nomad. I see you have some new recruitments and what appears to be a…trailer." she said feeling a bit silly.

  "Holy shit, this is amazing!" Greg chuckled. "I'm a huge fan."

  "That…what?" she asked

  "I mean obviously this is a B-budget version of you, but they got the same actress. Oh hell, there goes my franchise theory. Kinda ruins the autograph aspect too." he shrugged. Goodspeed blinked slowly.

  "It's like this ship just attracts stupidity. Whatever you're smoking, you're all under arrest under the jurisdiction of the Federation Empire." she sighed.

  "Oh man this is fun." Greg grinned as the others stared blankly. Izzy threw up her hands to evoke a reaction.

  "You're not gonna even try and fight them?" she asked.

  "How often do you get to explore an iconic sci-fi ship? Or at least a knockoff alternate universe version of an iconic sci-fi ship? Didn’t you ever watch old cheesy sci-fi space shows when you were a kid?" Greg asked.

  "I'm 22." she reminded.

  "Right, right, keep forgetting that. You look so much like old yourself. Anyway back in the day, a few hundred years ago, they had this show set…well, set in the past now recently but it was the future back then. Boy did they get a lot of that wrong. But the story was classic and the special effects at the time were great. Anyway apparently somehow that's her and this is the Nomad." he explained poorly, as Izzy blinked with a frozen look of confusion.

  "Are you actually high?" she skepticated.

  "Not currently. See, the Nomad, must be the generic name for the ship in the show, that this universe won't let me say due to copyrights. I'm gonna try anyway… Starship V-"

  An alarm went off, cutting Greg in mid-noun as the attraction beam docked them.

  "Greg…please be not going crazy." Izzy begged.

  "Damn it really doesn’t make any sense. It's the same ship. That is definitely Captain Ja-oh bullshit, never mind" he defended. "I won't get that name out either."

  "She just called herself Patricia Goodspeed." Izzy explained.

  "No the…woman who plays…." he sighed. "They got the same actress in this universe to play the spoof of herself. The ship is almost identical except the color and that radar dish."

  "Good, so Greg-up and punch the docking bay, and let's go." Izzy said.

  "We can't kill them, they're just lost and trying to get home, they're good people mostly…she's a bit of a psychopath, but she means well I think…The Captain, not the actress. I'm sure Shmate Smulgrewble is a very nice lady." He said, looking around for a universe retaliation of some kind. "Anyway they are just doing a job and trying to get back to Earth Version something, and I don’t wanna be one of the bad guys that slows them down and cost's the crew 2 weeks of repairs. They have enough setbacks. Let's just play nice." he grinned.

  "Greg's playing nice…we're screwed." Duffy sighed, giving up.

  The laser doors engaged, trapping them in the holding cells as Greg continued to smile like a kid.

  "Any requests?" Goodspeed asked Greg as the others sat down looking bummed.

  "Actually yea." he said stepping forward and cringing as he painfully forced his way through the forcefield, the beam hissing and his clothes smoldering on the edges as she stepped back in horror, and the guards readied rifles. He let out a sigh of relief, casually breaking the cuffs and yawning.

  "Oh, that stings. Could I get the tour, please?" he asked. One of the guards fired a shot that simply bounced and came back to put a hole through his red uniform. He died instantly. Greg slowly turned and pointed an intimidating finger. "NO! Stop it…you'll just keep dying. I don’t recognize any of you guards, so you're expendables. Not my fault. But seriously, about that tour?" he asked.

  Greg strolled through the corridors, ducking to avoid the doorways.

  "Good grief, are there no Federal Empire-friendly species over 7 foot, or what?" Greg said clipping his head on a Jerry pipe, as he followed a female crewman.

  "Most species we encounter are exactly the same as humanoid heights ranges." said the attractive female engineer, checking her scanner.

  "Budget cuts, the struggle is real." Greg yawned. "So what's your name?"

  "Gabriela Mendez." she said.

  "Interesting name for an alien, Pretty." he nodded.

  "Thanks. She smirked.

  "Pretty Hispanic." he discreetly muttered with a shrug.

  "Sorry?"

  "Pretty fantastic…the ship in general, I mean. Mine is a real shit-brick." he diverted.

  "Normally I would be nice, but your captain Lawg cost me 3 weeks of double shifts last encounter, and he scratched my shuttle bay this time." she shrugged.

  "Yea he's a tool-bag. Excuse the blunt nature but if I'm not mistaken, we have a lot in common." he playfully flirted.

  "How do you figure that? You don’t even know me." she chuckled skeptically. He leaned closer to be discreet as the guards readied laser rifles and he showed his hands to display that he was only being friendly. They stood down.

  "I got recruited for a bullshit mission I didn’t want, with a crew I didn’t sign up for, thrown into a different universe with no way back, merged into a crew of opposing factions and roped into serving under a captain that has no idea what he's doing, horribly under-qualified, overly-emotional and everything he does is a blatant contradiction that paddles us further up shit-creek. Every day erodes the paddle shorter and shorter, as my outnumbered crew is forced to go along with it. Obviously with my hot-tempered nature and military abilities, I could take over the ship at any moment but my superior officer forbids it, and out of respect, I keep throttling back my instinct. Here I am, bottling it up till my constant outbursts get me in trouble. I kinda get that vibe off you too." he discreetly whispered. She looked both alarmed and slightly turned on.

  "Is your species telepathic?"

  "Nope, I'm just fairly good at reading people's emotions, especially when I've been there myself. God, I'm starving. Do you guys have a mess hall about 200 yards down the corridor and to the left? Weird looking, spotted Chef who makes horrible food, but for no reason at all, the captain keeps him as the cook?" he smirked.

  "Right this way…206 yards down the hall." she said looking nervous.

  A tiny, terrified alien with an apron and a chef's hat, stood nervously, as guards steadied laser rifles.

  "You're the chef on your vessel?" said Notini, readying his ladle as a weapon behind his back.

  "Oh yea, I do this all the time. It'll be fun." Greg said adjusting the webcam "little bit of a zoom out, okay. Internet loves these, especially crossovers. GOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!" Greg yelled, making Notini jump and drop his ladle. "Put on your glasses and pucker your asses cuz it's cooking with Greg time, and we're about to get 7 levels of freaky up in your face receptacle with some spices I've never even heard of! We got a special guest here in…his kitchen, It's Chef Notini, the big Linguini bout to jack your shit up, and slap a bitch with flavor!" Greg said aggressively, making Notini wince uncomfortably.

  "Is the cursing really necessary?" he asked softly?

  "Is salt necessary?" Greg asked.

  "I see your point, but I don’t know that I agree with it."

  "What exactly is this thing?" Greg asked holding up what resembled ginger.

  "Zorbo root."

  "Today we're showing you how to make Zorbo root…beer." he said, looking at Notini as if asking. He shrugged. "Okay we're not sure if that's a thing, but we're gonna find out together. Worst case scenario, you can add 20 percent grain alcohol to anything that isn't literal poison and call it beer." Greg said setting his emergency flask on the counter for later.

  Izzy shook hands with Captain Goodspeed as she sat and rubbed her temple, trying to do some chart stuff. As captains often do.

  "Thanks for letting us go." she smiled.

  "No problem, it's not like I can actually stop you. Apparently you can walk through lasers, so why bother trying, right?" Goodspeed sighed.

  "I promise we mean you no harm." Izzy smiled kindly.

  "Why do I feel like that's complete malarkey, and that huge boyfriend of yours is already causing some kind of problem on my ship?"

  "Oh he's definitely making your job harder, he does that to everyone. We just don’t mean any malicious harm or intentional danger. He's not a villain, he's like a gigantic puppy…like a playful, completely untrained, impossible to control, giant, reckless, and haphazardly energetic puppy that is only trying to have fun… or screw."

  "That's comforting." Goodspeed said looking worried as one strand of her excessively long hair stuck up out of the rest of the bundle.

  "I just want you to know the trouble he's probably causing isn't out of intentional evil or some horrible plot…he's just…Greg." she defended badly.

  "So what do you recommend I do?" Goodspeed asked, sipping from her mug.

  "Well you already let him on the ship, that was a bad idea. You brought the bull into the china shop and now you're asking me how to keep him from breaking things." she explained.

  "Ugh, I hate this job. I should have been a teacher at the academy. Computer…double cappuccino; extra strong, extra fancy." she ordered.

  "Oh that's really strong." wheezed Notini, squinting and puckering up as he tried not to cough.

  "Not my finest brew, I admit that." Greg said sipping and holding back the majority of a reverse snort, as his body tried to reject it. Sometimes Cooking with Greg is more like Russian roulette craft beer, with Greg." he wheezed. "Live and learn, Zorbo root and alcohol…bad."

  "A young Asian man sat in the mess hall, looking highly vexed as his friend sat down with a plate of what apparently was supposed to be food.

  "What's the matter Henry…you try the food already?"

  "I think I'm in love." Henry asked.

  "There's no way it's THAT good." his buddy joked.

  "Not with the food, Arnold. Be serious for once." Henry sighed.

  "Let me guess…who would be the most inappropriately unavailable woman recently added to the ship. The Captain's not your type, You're not into men as far as I'm aware. Could it be the gigantic alien Amazon prisoner-babe that is clearly claimed by the biggest, most terrifying alpha-male creature any of us have ever had on the ship?" he asked.

  "She's just so different." sighed Henry, as Arnold face-planted the table.

  "Henry, why do this to yourself. Why the ones you can't have? There are like 60 women on this crew according to the official roster, 8 that we ever see walking around at any point, and all of them human, or close enough to human that its not socially weird or considered bestiality, despite being aliens. None of them are covered in tentacles or fur or spikes or feelers, they all have fairly good racks and decently stereotypical body types, and the uniforms' snug fit only proves that further. There's no surprises. So why do you have to go for the unavailable ones like holograms and hallucinations and 8th dimensional projections into our visual reality? Just find a nice normal traditional girl like the green chick with pointy ears, or kinky twins with a bit too close of a relationship."

  "Arnold, I'm not like you. I want something unique and outside the cultural norm that society finds appropriate. I don’t care what the worlds think, it's about what I like."

  "But Henry…look at her…she's plump. That's too crazy even for space. When have you seen any fat chicks in space crews…aside from aliens, intentionally supposed to be gross, or revolting slug monsters?"

  "I know it's crazy and wrong…but there's something about her. Something special. I just know in my heart I'll never see anything remotely like her ever again. She's one of a kind." He sighed, as another Izzy clone walked behind him to check on Greg.

  "Izzy kicked her feet up as the Captain toasted another cappuccino.

  "Men…" chuckled Goodspeed.

  "A lot of trouble, but occasionally they make themselves useful." Izzy chuckled, rising her cup and sipping as her clones roamed the ship.

  "Izzy what the hell are you doing?" Greg asked, as Izzy blinked and realized Greg and Notini were staring at her, and she was standing there holding up an imaginary cappuccino.

  "Sorry, I zoned out. Piloting is hard." she said shaking her head.

  "Not sure I follow." nodded Notini

  "It's an Osirian thing. It's like learning music. If you learn as a kid it's easy, but if you wait till you're an adult you don’t ever get really good at it. With practice and years of work you can master one or two instruments but it's never second nature. Maybe you should just take it easy. Go have some soup and chill." Greg suggested.

  "Good idea. She said, taking a bowl and heading to the corner.

  "I'm gonna talk to her." Henry said, tossing back his green tea like a confidence shot.

  "Henry, bad idea. Remember the telepathic orb that got you pregnant?" warned Arnold. Henry walked up to Izzy as she sipped her soup and sat down. She barely looked up.

  "I'm Henry." he smiled.

  "I'm Busy, and I'm a little bit Izzy right now." she replied.

  "Just hear me out and I'll leave you alone. Two minutes."

  "Okay, fine." she shrugged.

  Goodspeed shrugged at her story.

  "So basically you committed genocide.” Izzy said to Goodspeed.

  “Well yes, but essentially no. They were a threat to the entire universe.” She said with an eyebrow raise.

  “And you would be qualified to make that assessment after observing their technology from a distance and knowing of their species for about…3 or 4 days.” Izzy noted,

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

  “Well when you say it that way I sound like a warmongering lunatic.” Goodspeed said, waving her hand and letting another stray lock of hair fly loose.

  “Good coffee.” Izzy said, nervously sipping. She tried to discreetly remember if she was still standing near Greg. Henry rambled on at her table, with the other Izzy.

  “And I know it seems a bit crazy, but I think you are fascinating and I’d love to have coffee with you some time, a casual date.’ He finished.

  “This is insane.” She whispered. “The coffee here is great but we need to get the hell out. Someone may get hurt.” She said looking through Henry as she tried to talk to Greg, mixing up bodies and conversations.

  “I’m willing to take that risk, and I promise I won't hurt you.’ Henry said.

  “Too hot?” asked Goodspeed.

  “The what?” asked Izzy, looking lost.

  “You zoned out mid sip and then just let coffee run out of your mouth. Then you just said: Someone may get hurt, and started moving.”

  “Oh it’s nothing. New body…you know how that is.” She smiled. Goodspeed smiled oddly and blinked a few too many times.

  “Sure, why not." Goodspeed shrugged.

  Izzy 2 stopped, realizing Henry was leading her by her hand somewhere else in the ship. She had no idea where she was.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked. “Too fast?”

  “Where are we going…and why?” she asked, looking confused.

  “You’re right, secret spots are dumb and childish. I should have just told you. I didn’t want to be too forward and suggest going to my quarters and give you the wrong impression. It’s basically a holographic projection room, where you can create the illusion of being almost anywhere in the universe.” he smiled. "It's programmed for Venice"

  “Yea, my species has that.” She said coldly, looking around “What about engineering? Can you show me that location?”

  Duffy sat in the observation lounge, drinking neon green liquid, depressed that it was probably just fleet-approved synthesized, flavored water. Her phone blipped. She swiped right for her trucker hookup app.

  "Finally some good news. 30 minutes away from a gas station." she muttered.

  "Wanna meet up?" the text replied. she shrugged, decided to reply.

  "Love to get off this ship and away from this Federal garbage, but they aren't stopping, and I doubt they are letting hitchhikers board. Besides I kinda have a crew and I might ditch for the right opportunity, but not just for any stranger, even a good looking one." she texted back. The phone blipped with a reply as her eyes widened and another blip, the sound of a photo sent on screen. She smiled excitedly.

  "I can steal a shuttle pod in 20 minutes." she texted.

  "Marley sipped his carrot juice, playing his game buddy as Duffy approached.

  "Um, hey buddy. Can we talk?" she asked.

  "Cool. What's crappening?" He asked, leveling up his castle fortifications.

  "Do you guys actually need me on the Tast-E-Chill?" she asked.

  "I mean, sure. As much as we need anyone." he yawned.

  "Sometimes I feel like a 5th wheel. I'm a shuttle mechanic on a ship that can now land without a shuttle. We have an alien that is smart enough to repair a shuttle, plus you can fix basic shuttle systems now with everything I taught you. We have a token chick now, Izzy…technically Izzy is up to 3 token chicks when you factor the hive thing. You're more of the stoner than I am, Izzy and Greg are both crazier than I am, so we have a group schizoid and a group nag. I'm nobody's love interest, and I'm not anyone's best friend, hell I'm not even the fat chick anymore with Greg making jokes about Izzy's ass."

  "She's not really fat though, she's curvy, and he just does that to annoy her." Marley noted.

  "Yea but for an outside party who mostly hears or reads the ship's logs and doesn’t see us, you'd get the impression we both were. Given Osirians' bone density and her height, she technically weighs more than both of us. It's confusing for most people without constant reminders that she's actually quite hourglass ideal, and I'm the pudgy type…whatever. The point I'm making, is that I don’t provide anything, that in some combination isn't already provided among the crew. The captain owns the ship, you're the furry sidekick, and the alien lovers are the leadership and the muscle, as well as the relationship turmoil that make you and Lawg constantly on edge and keep the whole ship dynamic and zippy. The ship is crowded with 5, let alone 6, and Menace doesn’t take up much space."

  "You're bailing on us?" Marley asked.

  "I'm considering it." she sighed. "But only if you guys can manage without me."

  "You're miserable aren't you?" he asked.

  "I'm just…"

  "Lonely…and Lawg is just way too dumb to keep boning." He smiled.

  "Basically, yea. I thought I could repress my standards, give my love to Toby and save my physical needs for Lawg." she informed.

  "Toby's the shuttle, right?" asked Marley.

  "He's a trusty friend, except when you get trapped on a shut-"

  "Yea we've heard this, moving forward. So where do you plan to go?" he asked.

  "I have somewhere in mind. Can I count on you for some help?"

  "Duffy…of course you can…because we're friends, and friends give me half their weed sometimes." he smiled.

  "Since you have no idea how much is have, half is perfectly reasonable." she said extending a hand to shake.

  "Should have started higher on negotiations." he agreed.

  "You're high enough already." he said giving him a hug.

  Greg blew smoke from his nostrils as the guards and Notini coughed.

  “And that kids, is how you make napalm out of orange juice.” Greg smiled as another Izzy approached the mess hall.

  “Damnit Greg you can't make explosives in these people’s kitchen.” Said Izzy, with shorter, blue hair and way too much goth makeup.

  “Hey, I didn’t say you could use my Gizzy. What if I wanna use my Gizzy?” he said.

  “It’s my body, you can use it, but I still have ownership.” Izzy said from both the Gizzy body and the Izzy body standing in front of Henry. Greg rolled his eyes and Henry just stood in shock.

  “It’s my body, you can use it, but I still have ownership.” Izzy said, unknowingly to Henry somewhere else in the ship.

  “Oh.” Henry said looking nervous and lost. “I’m flattered, I just wasn’t…that was very fast. Maybe we could have a few dates and get to know each other.” he stumbled.

  Izzy looked up at Goodspeed, swirling her coffee.

  “This is getting cold, can I get it warmed up?” She said to both Goodspeed and Henry.

  “I’m really sorry, I jus-” Henry stuttered nervously. "Okay fine. Why not? I've never met a girl like you." he smiled, steadying his nerves.

  “I can warm that up for you, or just get you a refill.” Goodspeed nodded.

  “I'll take what you got.” She smiled politely… to Henry and Goodspeed, reaching out the cup for a refill and lightly punching Henry in the arm with her other Izzy.

  “I’m getting mixed signals here.” Henry said, looking more terrified than aroused, but still sort of aroused.

  “Earth to Izzy.” Greg said snapping his fingers as Goth-Izzy jolted and swatted his hand, the other Izzy suddenly slapping Henry across the face with the same motion.

  “Damnit Greg I can only control 2 Izzy’s at once. Give me some leeway.” she barked as he scoffed and sipped his horrible beverage.

  “More reason to stop playing with MY Gizzy. I got that one calibrated for my motor functions so it’s harder to control for you. Just because it’s your DNA doesn’t mean it’s your body, we agreed we each get one backup body and since we can’t build another Greg, I get to use the Gizzy. I even changed the color scheme to make it easy to tell apart, jazzed-up the hairstyle, added more blue to the skin pigment.” Greg defended as Izzy’s eyes flickered, and both the Gizzy body and the one with Henry activated.

  “I know your blue, and this is confusing for both of us, just trust me, I need your body for the practice. I need all the practice I can get. This isn’t personal, it’s just something that has to be done. Don’t make it weird. Can I just use your body for like 3 hours, or until Goodspeed finished her coffee binge?” she asked them both.

  “Does caffeine normally affect you like this?” asked Goodspeed.

  “Greg, what the hell?” Gizzy said as he tried to find the off sensor on her neck. she slapped him and fought him as he attempted to deactivate the Gizzy body.

  Henry cautiously approached for the kiss.

  “Get your damn hands off my Gizzy!" She yelled from all 3 bodies. Henry jumped, Goodspeed jumped, spilling her coffee. Greg squeezed the safety node and deactivated Gizzy, dropping her to the table.

  "You can't just grab my nodes and turn me off!" she barked to Henry, not realizing it wasn’t Greg.

  "Greg scooped up the limp Gizzy and sighed.

  "Good thing I added that backup protocol that only I can activate." Greg smirked. "My Gizzy now." he said, carrying her. Some of the Nomad crew stared in hesitant horror. "It's not what it looks like, this one is MY Izzy, so I can do what I want and it's not…quit judging. I can have a chick body too." he defended, stomping off with his Gizzy over his shoulder.

  "Security, we got a situation…it's…just follow the big guy." said one of the Nomad crew.

  A black man in Nomad uniform, holding a very specialized rifle, turned the hall and stood in front of Greg, shouldering the weapon.

  "Please comply, put the female down and step away slowly." he said robotically.

  "Oh frigging balls, we're doing this bit?" Greg sighed. "You don’t understand the situation, Santa's lil helper." he snipped.

  "Elf jokes are offensive to pointed-ear species. The situation as mentioned, is that you assaulted a female during a dispute, and are carrying her away. I have determined that this cannot be ignored." he replied.

  "Alright…Snap, Crapple, or possibly Flop. Here's the rundown. This look's like Izzy because it's a clone of Izzy, but I own this Izzy. This isn't Izzy's Izzy, this is MY Izzy and I'm talking it back to my room where it belongs, on the charger next to my Quake-bass and my swords, and my collection of skulls and my marble pipe. She borrowed it without my permission and that's a conversation between us for later, it's not a big deal." he explained.

  "Borrowing your pipe is hardly justification for abduction or slavery." he replied.

  "No…not the damn pipe. She borrowed my Gizzy. This…Nobody understands this shit. This body…Is my property…it's a thing…that I own." Greg snarled.

  "I doubt she would agree." He said firmly.

  "Well obviously she doesn’t agree, that's the whole argument. She hogs all 3 and it's not fair. Why does she get all 3 and I get none, when this one is modified for my use. It makes no tactical sense. I've already jacked with the settings and the user interface… you have literally no idea what I'm talking about and yea, pointing the gun. You definitely think this is a sex-slave thing. Of course you do, why wouldn’t you?" Greg sighed in frustration.

  "Place the woman on the ground carefully and back away." He ordered. "I need a Medic in corridor 32.

  "Not gonna get anything useful, there is nobody home, she's just a soulless slab of meat and metal." Greg sighed.

  "A truly barbaric way of thinking."

  "Eugh, a Bareugric way of eugh." Greg mocked.

  "Red Alert!" Captain Goodspeed ordered as Izzy rushed to the window.

  "I swear I have no idea what's happening." she said.

  "Why is your crewman stealing my shuttle?" Goodspeed asked.

  "I don’t know!" Izzy defended, genuinely having no idea.

  "Don’t give me that crapola, I have security video of you making napalm in my kitchen, I don’t know how, but while you were here distracting me, you were in disguise in the mess hall making explosives to blow the doors in the shuttle bay."

  "Son-of-a-bitch Greg!" Izzy said rolling her eyes.

  "You assured me he wasn’t dangerous!"

  "No, I said he wasn’t malicious, he's extremely dangerous! I just hoped he wouldn’t screw anything up while we were on the ship. He…Does stupid shit. I don’t know why."

  "That's you on screen helping him." Goodspeed pointed

  "Well…technically…no…but also yes… you see about that…" she said giving up. "Fuck. I have no good explanation that you will believe or understand, let alone both. By the time I try, Greg will make things worse so…yea I'mma just give up." Izzy said sitting down.

  "What happened in the Infirmary?" Goodspeed asked her communicator.

  "One casualty, no life signs. I believe Greg is responsible." replied the security officer.

  "Oh shit, Greg! You killed one of them?" Izzy yelled. "What the hell!?"

  "We have Company." Said Henry, looking over to his own Izzy and bleeping Goodspeed on the coms.

  "A ship?" Goodspeed asked.

  "A…motorcycle." he hesitantly replied.

  "Excuse me?" Goodspeed asked.

  "Guy on a bike…no helmet." Henry specified, tapping Izzy's frozen face. "And I'm with one of the aliens, she's just frozen here."

  "Lawg's ears perked up as his head rose from the sheets of a random bed in one of the Nomad's crew quarters.

  "Spacebike…no helmet. That's both illogical, impossible, badass, and reckless as eff… RO000ooooY!" he said, as if to his nemesis, raising his fist to the sky.

  "Who is Roy?" said the blonde, raising her metallic eyebrow.

  "My nemesis…or my rival friend, I don’t remember how that ended, but he poon-blocked me several times, and he may have been gay and attracted to me." He said dramatically. A strangely metallic hand pulled the sheets up, just enough to frame better, so the nudity was better implied, but the nips weren't just obviously right in the shot. This is pg13, or maybe R-rated, not hardcore level junk-shots, people. Have some dignity. There will be dragons in season 3 though…probably. Moving on. Lawg looked for his pants in the bed.

  "Anyway, what was I saying…my gay robot nemesis." Lawg repeated.

  "That is highly illogical." said the clearly part-robot blonde bombshell of the Nomad crew. "If he was gay, why would he be competition for your sexual conquests?"

  "He's that good of a nemesis, it's very complicated stuff. Anyway I'm wasting a ton of time recapping things to you for no reason. You're not even here. Hologram off." he said, abruptly falling about 3 feet to the cold floor in a giant empty room, directly on his ass, with just a sheet as coverage and padding. "This is an unsafe device to have on a starship. My ass hurts!" he yelled.

  Lights flickered through the ship as Izzy 2 rushed down the halls and ran into Lawg, grabbing him as they spotted Marley and headed that way, ducking under laser fire.

  "What's the deal, what happened?" Izzy asked Marley.

  "Duffy found our old friend Roy, on chubby truck-stop pound-town.com or whatever, and decided to leave the crew. So, I helped her hack the mainframe and steal a shuttle."

  "You can just do that? And nobody stopped you? You can do that on a Federal ship and nobody stopped you?" asked Izzy.

  "These people are incredibly trusting with their technology and they have handheld devices that access everything on the ship just sitting around everywhere. It's super convenient to hack and there are no cameras at all. Plus the whole security team of like 5 generic guards were all on Greg because he was making Napalm in the mess hall and abducting an Izzy. They really get distracted when a big alien starts making napalm and stealing women." Marley shrugged.

  "How are we gonna get him and all my other Izzy's back on the Tast-E-Chill before they figure things out and lock it down?"

  "I got a plan but it's way cooler if you don’t know it." Marley smiled. "Menace…do the boom-gun" he said into the coms.

  "BOOMGUN!" she yelled, shooting the forward and only gun, blowing the security door off the Nomad's shuttle bay and letting them through without slowing down. Izzy 1 stumbled around the corner and fell, sliding into the shuttle bay and getting back up, as the two Izzy's helped each other walk into the airlock. The ship made it's way out of the shuttle bay.

  "Where's Greg and Gizzy, and Duffy?" asked Izzy.

  "Relax, everything is fine." Marley yawned. "Go for second wave." he said into his com. Roy's bike revved up and guided Duffy's stolen shuttle pod into a wall of nothingness, disappearing from view.

  "What happened?" asked Goodspeed, throwing up her hands as she staggered to her feet from the random explosions in the ship.

  "I don’t know." admitted Henry, randomly happening to be on the bridge, and at the helm. Greg was lead at gunpoint to the bridge as well, against any tactical logic or purpose. He looked around, still smiling at the fan-boy nostalgia.

  "Can I get a better seat?" he asked.

  "Can it!" she barked, her hair letting loose another single strand.

  "Yes mistress." Greg whispered in a deliberately seductive manner, purely to annoy her. It worked, she fumed silently. The stealth ship appeared on screen and made its jump to hyperspeed with Duffy and Roy aboard.

  "Captain Ominous…" said Goodspeed. "I may have lost this battle, but as long as I have one of their crew, the Tasty-Brick is as good as mine." she growled, turning to Greg. "This is your fault."

  "Oh about that…" Greg smirked "You are really gonna hate me in a minute but I have to say this before we do the whole ending thing. I'm a big fan, loved the show, always wanted to be part of a space adventure, granted that was before space travel was actually common in my culture, so it was more exciting back then, and I didn’t know it actually sucked. Anyway, I was always actually more of a Original Series fan, then later I was more of a Sisco fan than I was really more of a "Seven" fan… oh God the spandex…whatever, I'm really enjoying the nostalgia factor of this and I want to say thank you for the experience. I also apologize for what is about to happen, but I'm not really sorry because I'm sort of a dick, and I am going to enjoy this WAY more than you are." he grinned darkly. Her eyes got very large as her uncomfortable sweat levels elevated. Greg horse-kicked the security officer away and took a few pistol shots like a champ, before pressing some console keys. He yawned, punching out the controls and setting the pistol to knockout mode, dropping the armed guards and rushing at Goodspeed.

  "CRAP!" she yelped as he slid up to her, grabbing her frantically flailing hands as she tried to defend herself. With her wrists secured in one hand, and Greg's other hand free, Captain Goodspeed helplessly screaming for security and yelled "get him off of me" as Greg used his free hand to gently (yet thoroughly) spin and mess her hair into the most sufficient rat's nest physically possible. He paused before giving it a final flip, leaving it in a one-sided, lumpy-bee hive, with matted dreads and frizzy knots in haphazard chaos. He wheezed with childish laughter and ran off down the hall, elbowing through the door on his way out. She stood, dumbfounded, horrified and confused at what just happened.

  "I'll call you!" he yelled in the distance.

  "Please don’t!" she yelled back.

  "Best episode ever!" he yelled more, as he neared the lift.

  The mood music changed from dramatic climax to serene ending music, obviously signifying passed time and calmer conditions.

  "God this feels so wrong." Izzy said looking grossed out, as she watched the scanner and Marley steered the grabby arm.

  "Pretty simple plan actually." Mar yawned.

  "birds." nodded Menace. Marley blinked and then continued.

  "Standard Federal procedures, dead alien body, say a few sappy words, stuff them in a torpedo, poot them into space." Marley shrugged. "After Greg shot himself out of the torpedo tube, we already knew the launch signature, so it wasn’t hard to find." he yawned as the Tast-E-Chill puttered along towards the drifting torpedo locator.

  "It's so morbid." Izzy said. "Waiting around for the Nomad to have a funeral service for a dead Izzy and let them shoot the carcass out."

  "Well, Greg can't run 2 of them, you can barely run 2, so we had to leave one behind and make a quick getaway…plus free torpedo." Marley said sipping his soda.

  "How did you know they wouldn’t crack me open and dissect me to figure out what I was?" she asked

  "Federal Empire is pretty dumb and superstitious. If they still waste good torpedoes pooting out every dead anonymous crewman, do you think they bother dissecting every alien chick that gets deaded on their ship? Not with all those repairs Greg forced them to patch up. Sensors all jacked, no way to detect a little cardboard ship following them, us just waiting for them to poot out the dead Izzy-pod. Perfect plan." Marley shrugged.

  "Portobello." said Menace, holding up a dime to clarify.

  "Exactly, little frog-person." Greg smiled, petting her head…assuming she is a she, we really don’t know. "Eeeeeexactly."

  The grabby-arm loaded the Izzy torpedo and they drifted on low-power mode till they got out of the Nomad's sensor range. Duffy was gone, but never forgotten, Lawg was still mad at Roy for stealing another chick he once doinked. Greg was satisfied with his little vacation, Menace was chewing on a chair, and all 3 Izzys were accounted for. Another day in the cold embrace of space, where weird shit happens, because space is weird. Fade to black.