CJ stomped down on the white plastic slab that led down to a shelf of ice. The beer lapped against the shoreline rhythmically. He took in a deep breath as the mist from the rapids spattered cold lager against his face. Looking up he could see the first few cans pouring out into the valley ahead. The temperature here had to be near freezing. A stark contrast to the blazing hot grilling fields they’d just left.
The river itself was full of half-moon shaped ice bergs as well full cubic islands. CJ could see from this vantage point that the liquid split off in multiple directions toward what looked like a white and red checkered landscape in the far distance. His eyes kept flicking back to a glint from the beer cans.
“Any idea why the cans are open and pouring into this obviously facsimile of a cooler?” asked CJ as his breath puffed out visibly from his mouth. “Also why do they have an infinite supply of beer?”
“No clue. This whole dungeon thing is a mystery to me. I don’t even know why that blasted devil wants me to clear it so bad.” Replied Skipper.
“I can answer some of that.” CJ began as he turned back toward Skipper and the still healing Monty. “We need to clear dungeons, so they’ll cycle the corrupted mana in the area. My current theory is the dungeon consumes corrupted mana to reset or recreate everything happening in here. Once cleared, they purify the mana in the area around it. I’m still working out the particulars but everything I’ve seen in the past few weeks gives me a high level of confidence that I’m right.”
“Be that as it may, it doesn’t help us stroll down the rapids of Busch beer down there.”
“You got Jokes, I never thought I’d see the day.” CJ scoffed on his way over to check on Monty. He was breathing more easily, and CJ assumed whatever internal damage he suffered from the heat was being countered by their shared regeneration. “I have a few ideas about that actually. Need Monty to wake up first though.”
“We could just leave him here.” Skipper’s hands went up immediately in a gesture of placation as CJ shot him a death glare. “He’ll be fine once the dungeon kicks him out.”
“And I was just starting to like you.” Said a groggy Monty. His ears flat to his head as he looked around bleary eyed. “Guess even I can be wrong sometimes.”
Monty noticed his breath and the temperature before an orange and yellow flame appeared above his head. He got up on all fours and his ears shot straight up. The flame was now between them as he his ears rotated in opposite directions listening to their environment. For now, all he heard was the rushing liquid below. He then received a new party invitation from CJ which he accepted.
“Okay, looks like we’re all up and ready for the next challenge. Is there a safer way of getting to the icy shoreline than sliding down this cooler lid?” asked CJ.
“It’s the only way I ever got down there. But be warned. I often face planted and drowned in the current.” Answered Skipper.
“I see.” CJ replied absent mindedly as he scanned the cliff tops with the beer cans.
This time he saw it clearly; the telltale blue mana shimmer that told him there was something hidden. It was a brief instant surrounding one of the beer cans. He watched that one closely before seeing small chunks of ice tumbling down the cliffside beneath it. It was the second can on his right side. They might be able to reach it if they clung to the cliff wall and inched their way along the thin ice shelf.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
“Hey Skip, what do you think would happen if we tried to dislodge one of those cans?”
“I suppose it would slide down into the canyon and… bob downstream. You have got to be shitting me.”
“Nope.” Monty Interjected, “I know that look on his face. he fully intends to bring that giant beer can crashing down.”
“Don’t say it like that. It’s hardly giant. I’d say it’s double the size of a standard wooden barrel. Large enough for three to go over the falls…” CJ trailed off as he pulled an AR-15 from his left sleeve and sighted it on the ice under said can.
“Do you even know how to use that thing?” asked Skipper.
CJ flicked the firing switch to three round burst and looked back up at Skipper.
“Bet your ass I do.”
BANG, BANG, BANG
Shots fired in rapid succession. They smashed into the ice under the target can. The third round went wide but the first two hit home. Then CJ slid down the incline toward the ice shelf. On his way he dismissed a slate notification telling him his firearms skill had gone up to level three. In an attempt to slow his descent, he began kicking his sneakers against the plastic ground at his feet. While it stuttered his momentum it did very little to slow him down.
“It’s breaking apart!” Monty hollered from a few paces behind CJ.
CJ looked up to see the can he was shooting at teeter tottering on the ice cliff as chucks of ice plopped down into he river. The constant stream of beer was only adding to the balancing issues the can was having. Finally, the ice beneath the can could no longer hold its shape and it crumbled. Sending it careening down into the cliff side to smash through the shelf of ice below it, spout up. It seemed to be wedged there.
“Angle your slide that way! The can is our best bet.”
Both Monty and Skipper started their slides after CJ took off. There trajectory was more appropriate to the target than CJ’s. Frantically, he tried to course correct by kicking off the slick plastic noticing the indent of a cup holder right in his pathing.
New Message from Monty: Are you going to make it? Skippers right behind me and we’re almost at the bottom.
New Message from Party Leader CJ: Working on it. Please don’t distract me.
Sweat ran down the side of CJ’s head quickly cooling in the icy temperatures. He needed to hit the edge of the cup holder just right to change his angle of descent. As he came up to it he noticed that it had more of a gray rubber edge. That was good. CJ could work with that. He smashed into the rubber and used his twenty points of Agility to redirect his angle of approach by quickly compressing his core muscles before stretching out like a five pointed star. The world around him flipped and he was launched at a different angle.
Monty and Skipper came to a stop on the ice shelf. Monty slid a bit more in a tight circle before his momentum completely arrested. They were close to the beer can and it seemed to have lodged into the ice. Twenty or so feet to their left were the raging rapids. Monty looked back to see where CJ had ended up only to watch as he careened through the air fifty feet in the direction of the beer, not the ice.
“He’s not going to make it.” Lamented Skipper before a flash of light surrounded CJ.
Next thing they saw was CJ standing right in front of them. The distance between where he was and their location being well within Flashportation’s thirty yard range. CJ balanced on one foot before regaining his footing. Clamping one hand over his missing eye, he sighed slightly shaking his head. He gingerly proceeded toward the can before grinning ear to ear.
“How the fuck!” gasped a startled Skipper. “You need to tell me how you got all these powers. You were a no phone at the start of all this.”
“We get out of this mess you’ve created alive, and I’ll have Liber tell you. You’ll love him, good dude.” Replied CJ before waiving Skipper off with a dismissive gesture so he could inspect the can. “I knew it. Right side up it doesn’t spew beer constantly and it’s a widemouth can.”
CJ stepped carefully over to the mouth noting that the ice around the can itself was slowly cracking. He could hear the ice fracturing beneath him. Peering into the can he could see it was maybe half full at best. Then he got a notification that made him even happier then, admittedly, sadder.
New Reverse Enchantment Spell learned: Infinite Pour- Uncommon/ Water Magic. Cost 10 mana. This spell allows the caster to pour an infinite amount of Natural Ice beer from their hand as long as their fingers are shaped like they are holding a can.
“Nattie Ice?” he asked to the dungeon before looking up to see the logos on the beer cans now that he was closer.
