“What’s going on over there?” the vampire demanded, waving his army of ghouls and pet accountants towards Nanoc. “What strange strategy is this, to summon a beast to devour you? It’s a bit rude, really, making my ghouls watch that. They’ll get hungry.”

  The vampire had seen a great many things in his unnaturally long life, but he had never seen a gnome eaten by a toad, and certainly not a toad as large as the legendary bane toad boss, GLUP!

  GLUP! the Boss Bane Toad

  Legendary monster! The biggest bane toad in the forest, maybe in the world.

  GLUP! once ate a small golden dragon because it made fun of one of his froggy followers. The meal gave GLUP! indigestion for weeks, but he thinks it was worth it.

  The fearsome boss toad, scourge of the forest, god to the bane toads, seemed quite content to sit in one place and chew on Nanoc’s head. He was so large that even the vampire hesitated to approach him.

  But Dren knew what to do.

  “Hey!” Dren shouted, waving a finger at GLUP! “Bad toad! Drop the gnome! Drop him!”

  GLUP! did not drop the gnome. He batted Dren away with an enormous foot and shook the gnome from side to side like a toy. Rotcel sighed. Once again, it was up to her to save the day… and she wasn’t even getting paid for it.

  “No!” Rotcel said, running up to the toad and placing a hand on it’s side, “Spit that gnome out right away! Don’t you remember what happened the last time you tried to eat Nanoc?”

  GLUP! glared at the lizardling, but nodded slightly. Perhaps Rotcel could reason with it due to their shared cold blood, or maybe Nanoc didn’t taste too good, but the toad spat Nanoc out onto the floor. The little gnome was covered in light green goo but seemed no worse for it.

  “That vampire over there,” Rotcel said, pointing, “he likes to eat toads for dinner… and he laughs about it, too. Doesn’t that make you angry enough to eat him, instead?”

  GLUP! gave Rotcel a look that suggested that the toad was always angry, and that it was seriously considering eating everyone just to get some peace and quiet.

  “GLUP?” it asked, then added “GLUP!”

  “With barbeque sauce,” Nanoc agreed, wiping his face with his hands. “In a stir fry. And he feeds them to the ghouls, too. I bought you here just to get revenge for them.”

  GLUP! narrowed his eyes, thinking. He was a magnificent manifestation of amphibian rage and power, but even he didn’t think people would use barbeque sauce in a stir fry. Nanoc gave the giant toad a thumbs up.

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  Charisma check…. Passed!

  Whew, that was close. GLUP! doesn’t like being told what to do, but he does like smashing stuff.

  GLUP! leapt over Nanoc and his friends, slamming into the roof and bouncing back down again with a thump that made the whole cavern jump. He charged at the vampire, but the beast of magical bones that had once been Mary’s little possessed lamb moved to protect its master, forming a wall of spikey bones. The toad slammed into it, an unstoppable object hitting an immovable mass. There was a smash and an odd tinkle as bones flew everywhere, raining down over the cavern. Ghouls rushed forward in a swarm, some trying to bite the toad, others towards Nanoc and his friends.

  GLUP! bounced towards the vampire, his massive tongue shooting out like a whip to ensnare the villain. The vampire easily slapped the tongue away. GLUP! leapt into the air and slammed down on the vampire’s thrown to crush it, but the vampire moved in a blur to stand far away. A dozen ghouls jumped on GLUP! and the massive toad roared in pain and anger, clawing at his back.

  The vampire waved to Nanoc and his friends.

  “That toad is impressive, in a messy way,” the vampire said with a condescending smile. “But its not going to stop me, is it?”

  Nanoc sighed. It was true. As much as he hated it, he needed help. He drew the banana of Chaos out of his belt and threw it into the air, where it hovered above him.

  “A little assistance wouldn’t go astray,” Nanoc said to the banana.

  The banana shrugged, which was a pretty neat trick considering it didn’t have any shoulders. It floated away to look at the inscriptions on the walls, leaving Nanoc on the ground. It was clear that the gnome barbarian could expect no help from the magical fruit.

  “I prefer apples anyway!” he yelled after it. “Do you hear me? Apples!”

  The banana paused for a second, as if it might speak. Then it floated onwards in a huff. Rotcel ‘Loc snickered, waving to it.

  “I didn’t mean it!” Nanoc shouted after it. “I don’t like apples! I just – gods dammit. Dren? Let’s try the next plan.”

  “Do you know, I feel I must point out—”

  “Do it!”

  Dren sighed. There was just no reasoning with a barbarian during a battle. He muttered a spell and sparkling blue light settled on Nanoc. The gnome grew in size until he towered over the ghouls and beasties.

  “Show us what you can do, then,” Nanoc said, waving the vampire forward.

  The vampire hissed, but his race was vain and it was in his nature to show off wherever possible. He clapped his hands and muttered a series of secret words which took shape in the air like magical bats before dispersing. Then he charged forward with incredible speed, slamming a shoulder into Nanoc’s enormous form.

  Or at least, where Nanoc was supposed to be. The illusion shattered and the vampire sped through the air, hitting the side of the cavern like a bat flung into a barn door. Splat!

  The vampire slid down the wall to the ground. He stood, rubbing his head, and snarled. Then he stepped forward, swaying a little.

  “Tricks!” the vampire said. “Do you really think you can fight me with tricks?”

  “It’s worth a try,” Nanoc said from right behind him.

  The gnome jumped onto the vampire’s back and used Death’s hair like a garrote across the vampire’s neck, cutting into the undead skin. The vampire grabbed at his neck, his fingers scrabbling at the hair.

  Using the Death’s hair to strangle the vampire was a good plan… but it had a fatal flaw.

  “I don’t breathe,” the vampire said, annoyed. “So you can’t choke me to death. Idiot.”

  “Do you know, I tried to tell him that!” Dren shouted from somewhere in the chaotic mess of the underground battle. “I tried to tell him—”

  Nanoc gave up and dropped to the ground. The vampire hissed and spun, reaching for the gnome. Nanoc was already on his feet and running.

  “New plan!” Nanoc shouted. “Rotcel, we need a new new plan!”