--- General Grognak ---

  "By Theisur, what is that monstrosity?" General Grognak of the Thrin exclaimed. His voice carried faint traces of uncharacteristic fear as he looked out of the viewport of his ship and watched the enormous human vessel that had just popped out of hyperspace.

  To his credit as a Thrin, his fear was really quite faint. He mostly felt excited and invigorated at the sight of the massive battleship he was facing.

  "It's massive! Is that a moon?" One of the technicians asked in disbelief.

  "That's no moon." A second technician responded.

  Of course it wasn't a moon, Grognak thought. It was about the size of one, but moons typically did not have continent-sized tentacles, lava-filled mouths with teeth the size of mountains, or glowing red eyes that shot laser beams.

  He watched in awe as the giant human vessel slapped one of his battleships in half with a tentacle, then grabbed another and dragged it into one of its gaping maws.

  It was a very inefficient way to conduct a space battle, even by his standards. But it was also undeniably badass, and he couldn't wait to get close enough to fight that thing himself.

  While his crew was shouting frantically in a panic, he decided to make use of one of the privileges of being in charge and just take a few seconds to admire the view. His fleet was getting destroyed, but it looked so freaking cool.

  It would be so glorious to capture this monstrosity.

  He could only think of one thing that could compare to that glory: Commanding an army that could push past level 17 of The Whetstone, the massive dungeon the Precursors left on Thrin Prime.

  The Whetstone was the Nishera's sign to the galaxy that the Thrin alone were the most powerful species, meant to dominate everyone else through sheer strength of strength.

  The archives of most other species contained only boring nerd shit, to put it in technical parlance. But the Whetstone contained a fully automated labyrinth, a dungeon that populated itself with all manner of horrific combatants for the explicit purpose of challenging the Thrin in combat.

  Entering the Whetstone meant certain death, but there was nothing more glorious than to reach one level deeper than anyone before. Each of the sixteen Thrin who had done so was among the most revered of their ancestors. High Emperor Krux the Unstoppable was the first among them, for he had managed to clear two entire levels with his armies before he fell in combat.

  But it was a rare honor to be allowed to enter the Whetstone, and despite his many achievements, General Grognak had been denied that honor so far.

  Trying to capture this space station would be a close second. And perhaps if he survived the attempt, then he might finally be granted permission to descend into the Whetstone himself.

  "Fly me closer and ready the teleportarium. I want to hit them with my sword." He announced to the bridge.

  "Yes, my lord! Readying the teleportarium to target the Massive Distraction, my lord." A technician replied.

  "What? You dare call that a distraction? Are you making fun of me?" He raged at the man.

  "No, my lord!" He replied in terror, displaying the appropriate amount of fear. "That is the vessel's call sign, my lord. The Massive Distraction."

  General Grognak was puzzled. The humans called this magnificent vessel a distraction? Were they making fun of him, trying to reduce the glory of capturing it? Or was this some poor joke, or an attempt at reverse psychology?

  "Teleporters are almost ready, my lord." The technician added.

  General Grognak decided to put the strange name out of his mind and focus on the mission. He wanted to leave his bridge staff with one last piece of wisdom before he left them behind to lead the assault.

  He pointed at the enormous glowing red eyes of the Massive Distraction: "Hit its weak spots for massive damage."

  Then he pointed at the enormous tentacles dragging another one of his battleships into a maw made of mountains and lava, and he added: "And try not to make this ship look too tasty."

  The technicians exchanged glances with each other, and then they saluted: "Yes my lord! Right you are, my lord!"

  Clearly they were impressed with his tactical genius, as they should be.

  "Now engage the teleporters!" He commanded.

  There was a brief moment of disorientation as the teleporter took effect, and then his surroundings changed. He found himself in a brightly lit hallway on board the Massive Distraction.

  He noticed no immediate danger, and so he watched as his subordinates appeared around him. Most of them were immediately combat ready, but some of them looked slightly disoriented. He took note of that moment of weakness for later. It was inexcusable. Sure, his own teleporter was of a higher quality and caused less discomfort, but a disciplined soldier should not let that affect him.

  Suddenly there was a wet splurching sound as one of his soldiers appeared inside out and exploded.

  Alright, maybe the difference in teleporter quality was a little higher than he expected. He would be magnanimous and not judge his other troops too harshly for being disoriented.

  He heard footsteps coming from the corridor and he reacted immediately by aiming his gun and looking for cover.

  Fortunately, there were crates nearby that could be used for cover. They were conveniently placed at regular intervals throughout the hallway.

  A robot came into view, and before it had a chance to raise its guns, General Grognak blew its head off with his rifle. Dozens more arrived shortly after, but they all disappeared under a barrage of fire from his troops.

  The robots got only a few shots off, and they were wildly off the mark. None of his soldiers were hit. These foes were pathetic. The humans were sending waves of disposable and identical drones at them.

  "Attention!" A voice suddenly shouted through an intercom in the hallway. "The vessel has been boarded. Do not allow the borders to find and take out our secret weak spots."

  What? He thought incredulously. Who would announce something like that?

  Another wave of robots arrived, and he and his troops effortlessly gunned them down again. He had personally destroyed at least a dozen of these things already. They were just pathetic. Weren't the humans supposed to be strong?

  "This is a public service announcement." The intercom spoke up again. "It has come to our attention that many crew members do not know where the secret weaknesses are that we don't want the intruders to find. We will provide markings so that you know what areas you need to keep them away from."

  Following that announcement, arrows and other markings lit up on the floor and the walls.

  Was this a joke?

  "This is stupid." One of his soldiers commented.

  Then he died as something separated his head from his shoulders.

  It happened so fast. Suddenly there was a human standing in the middle of his squad.

  No. Standing was the wrong word. Posing was the right way to describe it. The man was dressed all in black and wielded an absurdly sharp blade.

  "I will be your..." the man started to say, but then his voice was drowned out as his soldiers brought their sonic weapons to bear.

  Remarkably, the human somehow dodged the sound attack. He began dancing between his soldiers, killing them even as he evaded their weapon fire. Even General Grognak's attacks missed their mark.

  But after ten seconds or so, one of them got lucky and scored a hit. The man stumbled to his knee and his soldiers backed away and levelled their guns at him, ready to fire.

  "Why did you have to ruin my speech? I was totally..." he began, but General Grognak did not let him finish and shot him in the head. His mission briefings were clear: It was better for one's sanity to kill the humans quickly and not to let them talk.

  They continued along the corridor. He decided to follow the markings to the supposed weaknesses. He was aware that it could well be a trap, but it reminded him of the Whetstone, which also had clearly marked areas for challenging fights and objectives.

  They walked for hours, and encountered multiple waves of enemies over that time.

  The robots were harmless and embarrassingly weak. They were disposable, utterly identical, and borderline useless foot soldiers, and they posed no challenge at all.

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  But their ineptness formed a stark contrast to the humans they encountered. Every one of them was different. They wore no uniform and had no discipline. Their clothing was garish, and each of them used a different weapon, each more ridiculous than the last.

  They always came alone, or at the head of a small group of robots. Except that one time when they encountered two humans who looked identical and finished each other's sentences, for some unfathomable reason.

  As stupid as that was, these humans were dangerous, and General Grognak found his invasion force whittled down little by little with each encounter.

  But that wasn't even the worst thing about them. No, the worst thing was that the humans just loved to talk. They just wouldn't shut up, and after their first encounter all of the other humans always prioritized taking out the soldiers who carried sonic weapons.

  They did not take his boarding action seriously at all. That wounded his pride, which was far more important than the loss of a few dozen subordinates.

  "General Grognak, we request orders, lord!" Captain Zorg, one of his most trusted subordinates, spoke through the radio. He had sent the man off with his own squad at an earlier intersection, to take out a minor objective. And also because he wanted to test if the markings on the floor were a trap after all, by sending someone else instead of stepping into the trap himself.

  "Report." He responded gruffly.

  "There is a room here branching off from the main objective. It is marked, and I quote 'optional boss room'. It almost sounds like they are taunting us." Captain Zorg replied.

  An optional boss room? Yes, that did sound almost like a taunt. The Whetstone contained rooms like that. They held much greater dangers than the rest of the dungeon and it was not required to enter them in order to advance. But there were rewards for clearing them. Some of the most powerful weapon technologies the Thrin possessed were rewards for defeating optional bosses. The blueprints for nuclear weapons, for example, were dropped by an optional boss on the third floor of the Whetstone.

  In contrast, there was almost certainly not going to be any reward here, in this human-built vessel. But how did they even know about the concept of optional bosses? The specifics of the Whetstone were state secrets and not publicly shared with other species. It was worth investigating. Besides, this would prove once and for all if the humans were setting a trap for them, or if they were really as stupid as they seemed.

  "Well, go on then." He told Captain Zorg. "Go take that room. For the glory of Theisur!"

  "For the glory of Theisur!" Captain Zorg responded.

  General Grognak listened in as his troops charged into the alleged optional boss room.

  They encountered a human. There was a brief shootout. He lost three of his soldiers, and then it was over.

  "We have won, my lord." Captain Zorg reported.

  And then the music started.

  "What's that? Where is that chanting coming from? Is that latin? How do they speak latin?" Captain Zorg said. "Watch out, the corpse is moving! It's growing wings! Oh no! The boss fight has a second stage! I repeat, the boss has a second stage!"

  After that, his subordinate's voice was drowned out by the ominous latin chanting.

  After a few seconds, the chanting was briefly interrupted by a terrifying scream. Then, the radio fell silent and there was only static.

  Well, so much for that.

  This was glorious!

  Boss fights with two stages were exceptionally rare, and beating them was all the more prestigious. He could count on one hand the number of optional bosses with two stages in the Whetstone. He knew all of them by heart. For a Thrin, knowing the strengths and weaknesses and the optimal tactics to defeat each of the encounters in the Whetstone was a sign of being very cultured.

  Even though he knew that this was all a setup by the humans, he felt sorely tempted to backtrack and challenge the creature himself. The presence of this room was like a direct challenge to his honor as a Thrin.

  "He thought about it for several seconds, but despite his desire for glory, Lord Grognak knew his duty, and so he decided to ignore the obvious trap and to continue going after his objective instead: The command deck of the Massive Distraction."

  "What was that? Who said that?" "The general asked the narrator"

  "Where is that voice coming from? It's in our radio!" "He shouted in sudden panic."

  "I'm not panicking! I'm just confused!" "He responded to the narrator, who chose not to comment."

  "My lord! It's Lilian Weaver!" "One of his soldiers informed him. Unlike General Grognak, he had actually read the military reports in detail and knew what was going on."

  "General Grognak punched him for being uppity, not realizing that it was the narration itself that criticized him, and not his subordinate. His other soldiers sympathized with his victim, but were too scared to speak up."

  "Fuck you!" "General Grognak countered eloquently. But seconds later, he remembered his briefings. Lilian Weaver was a top priority for capture. The strange voice that sometimes appeared around her was annoying but mostly harmless. Was this true? He had no way to know. It was a reasonable assumption for the leadership to make. If only they knew the truth."

  "I'm not falling for your mind games, Lilian!" "The general claimed. He thought about how to proceed. He should ignore the voice, the briefings were clear on that. His urge to go after the optional boss had redoubled because of the narrator's headgames, but in the end he still knew his duty: Lilian Weaver was the greater priority. She was one of humanity's most well known leaders, and killing her would surely be more important than defeating an optional boss."

  "That's the second time you said that. Well, now I'm not doing it. I won't do things just because some ominous voice tells me to do it." "He countered quite reasonably. He was unaware of the irony that this would actually make him easier to manipulate through reverse psychology until the narrator pointed it out to him. He was shocked and dismayed by the realization."

  "Get out of my head!" "He shouted."

  "And stop telling me what to do!" "He yelled at the narration in frustration. Was the narration merely describing his thoughts, or was it manipulating him? He had no way to know."

  "Fuck you!" "He said. But despite his initial shock he recovered surprisingly quickly and started acting more or less rationally again. He thought about what he would do if this strange voice from nowhere had never appeared."

  ...

  "After several long seconds of thought, he decided to ignore the optional boss and follow the clearly labeled path to the command deck instead. He could capture the Massive Distraction and kill what he thought was one of humanity's leaders in one fell swoop."

  "He had a plan, and with his limited knowledge he had every reason to believe that he could win. But fate had other plans. Of course, Lord Grognak assumed that the narration was trying to manipulate him, and so even this warning went unheeded."

  "I AM NOT LISTENING." "He commented. Then suddenly one of his subordinates finally found the courage to speak up:"

  "Wait. That voice said 'What he thought was a leader'? Does that mean that Lilian Weaver isn't one of their leaders?"

  "Shut up. Look at the size of this ship! Of course she is one of their leaders. They are clearly trying to mess with us." "General Grognak replied. He was too annoyed and distracted, and so he forgot to punch his subordinate for having the audacity to question him."

  "Ow!"

  "Once the narrator reminded the general of this oversight, he quickly corrected his mistake. Clearly, generals hitting their own troops was a reasonable thing to do and was not at all a sign that the narrator was successfully messing with him."

  "FUCK YOU!" "He shouted calmly, like the picture of an officer in full command of all his mental faculties that he was."

  "The general refrained from commenting and ignored the narration. He and his troops then spent an inordinately long time walking through the hallways of the ship. There was nothing interesting to describe here though, so in the interest of saving time we are going to skip ahead a bit."

  "What just happened? How did we get here? It's like we just jumped forward in time!" "One of his soldiers commented. But General Grognak had adapted remarkably quickly to all this strangeness and just said:"

  "Don't think about it. Just ignore their psionics. It's just like Malumian trickery, only worse. Ignore it and it will weaken."

  "But my lord! The voice even made you speak in turn! You only responded after it finished saying that you were going to say something! How can we just ignore that?"

  "But General Grognak had the perfect rebuttal for his subordinate's complaint: He just punched him in the face to establish logical correctness through physical dominance. Then he turned to the door in front of him, clearly labelled as the command deck. He decided to make a dramatic entrance. With his sheer strength, no explosives would be needed: With one massive kick, he kicked the bulkhead into the room. Then he and his soldiers rushed after it."

  "Their intent was to take the enemy by surprise through the sheer shock and awe of blowing in a bulkhead. But unfortunately for them, their arrival triggered an unskippable cutscene, and so their surprise was ruined and they could not react until the introductions were finished."

  "Lilian Weaver stood at the helm of the command bridge, in the middle of the room. She cut an imposing figure. Her simple and unadorned admiral's garb served to make her stand out all the more from the motley assortment of people that surrounded her: They were the final contestants of her reality show 'So you think you are a badass?'. Each of the contestants would be given a chance to prove themselves today, in a fight to the death against some of the Thrin's finest."

  "General Grognak was flabbergasted and did not know what to think. He was surprised to hear that the humans were treating this all as a show. He appreciated that the narrator described him as one of the Thrin's finest, but he also got quite annoyed when he said this out loud just now."

  "How are you doing this?" "He asked Lilian."

  "Ventriloquism." "She responded convincingly."

  "Oh shut up, that wasn't convincing at all! You can't just have the narrator say you are convincing and expect that that makes you right!" "He responded, exposing his ignorance of the principles of psionics."

  "But Lilian ignored his question and introduced him instead, for the benefit of her viewers:" "It looks like our challenger has finally arrived! Ladies and Gentlemen, a round of applause for General Grognak!"

  "What the hell was that?" "General Grognak asked, unable to shake his state of perpetual confusion."

  "Now, let's have it for our first contestant of the day: She is pink! She is cute! She dual wields hammers that are twice her size and has cleared the entirety of Hell's Gauntlet Five in a record breaking two days and nine hours! Let's hear it for ..."

  "What is happening? How are you doing this?" "General Grognak asked. As a purely martial character, he was unable to comprehend the psionic feeling of an introductory nametag interjected into reality."

  "But then, in a surprising turn of events, and in a last act of defiance against the narrator, General Grognak used his secret weapon to interrupt the unskippable cutscene."

  "Did you hear that, people? Looks like our challenger has a surprise in store for Pinky!" "Lilian responded without missing a beat. But then she took a closer look at the Malumian device the general retrieved from his belt, and her smug expression turned to shock as she realized how badly she messed up."

  "Oh fuck! Don't use that thing! It won't work anyway, but it causes a ton of psionic disturbance and I'm already running things close to the limit! This could cause so much damage to physics!"

  "Good. I'm taking you with me." "The general replied as he pressed a button and activated the device."

  "Quickly! Everyone abandon the universe!" "Lilian shouted. But unfortunately, it was too late. The Faith Engine's failsafes had to kick in to prevent permanent damage. And then things got weird."