The two final weeks before winter break went by with lots of studying together with Abby and stressing on my part.

  She did help me a lot, even coming to my pce on Saturdays after and as her morning run. To be frank, she was coming more to have some enjoyment out of her weekend. I was fully aware she didn’t have any more free-time than those two hours she spent with me and dad. She never expined why, but my guess was, it had to do with her tyrannical mother, but I was both too scared to ask her and ruining what were the few moments of freedom she got to enjoy. She kept an arm for when it was time to go back to her pce, and always left in a hurry for goodness sake.

  We didn’t study at all that afternoon I met her dad. We just sat on the sofa, me letting Abby use my p as a pillow as she cried quietly. I worried then, and was worrying about it now. Was her family fine? I didn’t know enough, but I had the feeling it wasn’t. If it all came tumbling down, would I be able to help her? Would I even be able to stay by her side?

  I didn’t know and that terrified me.

  As I stood in front of the mirror, mostly agonizing over her issues and a small part about how adequate my outfit was, I received a call.

  “Hi, Abby.”

  “Let me guess, you are still tearing yourself apart over your clothes. Also, hi.”

  “How did you know that!?”

  “Violet will be Violet,” she said giggling. “It’s one of your endearing traits.”

  Was that really something to be described as endearing? I wasn’t too sure, but I still thanked her for the… compliment?

  “Hehe, you’re welcome. Anyway, how about I give you my opinion?” and trying to mimic one of those sexy radio man voices, what are you going to wear? she added.

  I took me some time to be able to answer. What she said, and the way she did, made me ugh for a good bit despite it not being all that funny.

  I was already wearing it, I told her. It was some ankle-length boots, bck stockings, a floral skirt, and a green V-neck with a tan coat.

  “…”

  “Abby? Are you there?”

  “Sorry, I was drooling a bit.”

  “Pfft. What? What does that even mean?”

  “It means I liked what I heard.”

  “Then, why didn’t you say so?”

  “Hehe. And where is the fun in that?”

  Again, me asking what I already know.

  “Just one more thing, Violet.”

  “Hmm? Yes?”

  “What are you wearing under all that?”

  “…See you at the restaurant, Miss Abbigail.”

  Always fooling around.

  Her question got me thinking though, and I pulled the neck of my top to the side, showing the white strap under it.

  “Maybe I should change that… Wait, why? It’s not like anyone will see it,” I spoke out loud. “Well, maybe Abby will, but… Why am I worrying about that!?”

  It had been decided I’d be staying at her pce, but when it was time for us to change, I could do it in her bathroom or simply ask Abby to turn around and not look, so why was I even considering it?

  Opening one of drawers, I immediately found what I was looking for. That violet set I bought that one time I went shopping with Abby stuck out aggressively amidst the all-white underwear I had, even though their tone was on the softer side. I had worn them only once, thinking about showing them to Abby while in the locker room at school, but ended up so embarrassed about what others would think, I changed clothes in a toilet cubicle as usual. I’m not sure why I was so embarrassed. In hindsight, they were very tame compared to some of my cssmates’.

  Anyway, I was now facing a dilemma.

  “What would Abby say?”

  That I already knew.

  Just put them on.

  It wouldn’t be so simple to convince myself, so… how about leaving it to chance? Flip a coin. Heads, they’d go, tails they’d stay. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.

  “Heads, I wear them. Tails, I don’t,” I kept repeating to myself as I rested a coin on my thumb.

  With a bit more force than necessary, the coin spun in the air, hitting the ceiling before rolling on the floor and stopping at my feet. Tails side up.

  “…Screw it! I’m wearing them.”

  Having to take all my clothes off and putting them on again took me some time and I almost thought I had missed the bus and would have to walk all the way, but I had luck on my side and the bus was running te. If we can call that luck.

  Anyway, I got there a bit te also thanks to traffic and was met at the door by an impatient Abby. As soon as I turned around the corner and entered her line of sight, she was waving at me, forcing me to take one of my hands from under an armpit to wave back at her.

  “It’s rare to see you arriving te.”

  She had a bit of a flush on her nose and cheeks from the cold, making her look extra pettable as she looked up to my face.

  “Sorry. I had to change clothes, and the bus got te.”

  She was rightfully confused by the first half of my excuse as she was seeing me wearing exactly the same I had told her before, and me thinking about the difference was warming up my face.

  “Yup, you look great.”

  “Thanks,” I said shivering slightly. You look good too, I quickly added before cowardice took over.

  She looked at herself up and down.

  Some lightly worn-out jeans, camping boots and a bck parka partially zipped and covering a pearly pink mascot t-shirt.

  “Thanks, but you don’t have to say that just to please me.”

  “No, I mean it!” I said anxiously. “It’s very… you know… it’s like… erm… Abby…like?”

  I just couldn’t put into words what it was that I liked about it. It had a je ne sais quoi? Maybe that’s what I should have said.

  Not that it ultimately matters, me putting my thoughts into words clearly. Abby could read me like an open book ,and so, she was smiling at me while I fussed over my ineptitude at talking human.

  “Ok, ok, I believe you. Still, the first time you complimented me was about something way more embarrassing and you did fine.”

  She had to bring that up!? Of all things? And what did she mean by “first time” huh!? That had been the second! The second!

  “T-t-hat was… Please don’t talk about that in public!”

  I gave up on pointing all of that out and she ughed, of course, while—I swear—you could see steam forming around me from how embarrassed I was.

  “Sure, but we are the only ones in this street right now,” she told me before snatching one of my hands and starting to drag me into the building. “Now let’s get inside before you run away or turn into a popsicle.”

  Inside was as to be expected. They were a css of twenty-five kids excited about now being on holidays until January after a whole week of tests. It was noisy, so, so noisy. Abby, sitting to my immediate right, also seemed to be bothered by all the excitement around us. Even so, I think I endured it very well. I was even able to hold conversations with other girls. They would mostly talk about hobbies and, since I barely had any besides reading and chatting with Abby, I mentioned my part-time job. They also tried to know if I had a crush, but that was quickly shot down. As for if Abby had one, it had never occurred to me asking her that, so I was surprised to know she apparently didn’t have any interest in that kind of stuff.

  Well, maybe it’s not all that surprising.

  She didn’t have any time for boys with how her mum run her life, and the boys Abby knew, if they were like Marcus, then they weren’t worth fawning over.

  This of course was with the girls.

  When some guys came to talk with us, I suddenly felt my anxiousness levels going through the roof. I never spoke much with girls, but with boys? Nope, never. I started looking for Abby’s hand under the table, feeling like that would give me enough courage to not start stuttering so much it sounded like I was talking in morse code. It was taking me some time to find her hand, but after she grabbed it instead, I felt like I could finally deal with them. I offered her a quick look as if saying ‘thanks’ and ‘sorry’.

  The rest of the night, even as we stood outside, I still didn’t let go. I wasn’t pnning on letting go either. Abby was enjoying it and I was a lot calmer that way, so it was fine, right?

  With everyone now going home, we were left alone in front of the restaurant. I was very pleased with how the night had turned out. I had been able to stay retively calm and seemed to have even been able to enjoy myself a bit. I had managed to talk with my cssmates all throughout the diner after all.

  Yup, it had been a good night.

  Still, there was something bothering me a little.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I ended up clinging myself to you all night.”

  “Wait, you noticed it?” she asked, surprised.

  “…Yeah. I just couldn’t let go of your hand,” I said mournfully.

  “I don’t mind, my dear Violet,” she said with a mischievous smile on her face. “But while you were looking for my hand, you touched me in some pces.”

  I looked at her, horrified that I might have sexually harassed her. Looking back on it… she grabbed my hand with it on her p, so…

  “Not that I mind you doing that either. Wait, no! What I meant was, I didn’t mind because you didn’t do it on purpose. It was only my thigh, so it’s all right, really.”

  “…I’m really sorry.”

  “…In that case, let’s walk like this until we get to my house,” she said, sounding almost desperate to salvage the situation.

  “That hardly seems fair.”

  “Well, since you will be staying over, we might come up with something until we part ways in the morning.”

  That… I hope she doesn’t suggest anything too wild.

  I believed she wouldn’t, but we had different definitions of what constituted as wild, so it could be a bit extreme to my taste.

  If she wanted to go home holding hands… I guessed we could do that. Her hand was warm, and there weren’t a lot of people outside at this time of the night, so it was doable, yes.

  I wasn’t too sure about how we were holding hands, though.

  I pushed my fingers in between hers and held her hand gently. That was better. Like I said, gentle, but less… whatever it was that wasn’t sitting right with me.

  “Am I doing this wrong?” I asked, seeing Abby’s face fring up.

  “It’s fine!” she said, grabbing my hand firmly. “I like it better this way!”

  Seeing her act so flustered was funny. And seeing her happy with our arrangement, I too was happy with the settlement. Now we only had to sneak into her house. I must confess, as scared as the idea of getting caught by her mum was, it was also very exciting. My heart was racing like crazy as we walked back to her pce.

  “Abby, use both hands!” I hushed her as I saw her struggle to open the door. “We can hold hands after that!”

  “Don’t wanna!” she whined.

  “Gee, you’re so needy,” I told her while putting an arm around her waist. “There. Now, let go of my hand.”

  “…Ok.”

  Her voice was shaking a bit from surprise, I was surprised too, but if I hadn’t done that, we’d never get inside and out of the cold or would most likely alert her parents.

  Letting go of her when she opened the door and went inside to check if the coast was clear turned out to be another pain. In the small interval of time I had her squeezed against me was enough for her to warm up my body, and once she wasn’t there, my body immediately accused the coldness around me. How come she was so warm?

  “Here. These should fit. Kinda.”

  For tonight, I’d be burrowing some of her clothes to sleep in. It was more than fair since she had used one of my uniforms that weekend she stayed over. She was more shapely than me, but since I was taller, they more of less had fitted her, so I was expecting something simir.

  “…Right… I wanted to show her…”

  She had her back turned to give me some privacy, but I called out to her in the heat of the moment.

  She turned and saw me only in the underwear we bought together, her round eyes growing rger and face turning impossibly red under the dim light.

  “F-for the… touching y-you,” I mumbled almost incoherently.

  “I-I see… it… looks great,” she stammered, being lost for words for the first time since we met.

  “A-are we… even?”

  She hummed with a nod and turned back around for me to finish change.

  Had it been such a good idea after all? She looked like she was in shock. Maybe I should have warned her before?

  Warn her? You did it in the spur of the moment, you idiot!

  Oh, yeah, I had forgotten about that. Still, couldn’t there have been something I could have said or done beforehand?

  “I’m going to brush my teeth. You can settle down in the meantime,” she blurted.

  I didn’t settle down because I wanted to brush my teeth too as well as wash my face with cold water. I instead sat on her bed.

  “So soft!”

  It was incredibly comfortable, and that was with me sitting on it. How would it feel to y in it?

  The room had the perfect temperature, the bed was impossibly soft, and so were the sheets now that I was touching them with my hands. Even the pillows felt heavenly to the touch. It was surprising to me how often she’d appear with dark circles under her eyes. Was she perhaps going to bed te?

  “Is something the matter?”

  She came back in the exact moment I was going back to worrying.

  “Nope, I was just waiting for my turn to go brush mine,” I said as I stood up and left, toothbrush in hand.

  It was getting te and we needed to get up early to sneak me out of the house in the morning, so I’d ask about that some other time. For now, we should rest and enjoy each other’s company.

  ???

  There was no doubt I was like that. Since when or why? I don’t know. How did I feel about it? Honestly, I don’t know. I had toyed with the idea before, but now that I had come to terms, it felt a bit different. The night had been eye opening.

  When I thought she had called out to me and I turned to face her, only to meet her beauty dimly illuminated by my bedside mp, her face flushed and arms behind her back so not to hide anything, that was when I could no longer deny it. I was barely containing myself. I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to jump on her.

  Is it a bad thing that I like girls? Hmm, I wouldn’t say so. There really was no one I could hurt because of that.

  I mean, yeah, my parents might oppose, but still…

  There were worse things I could be. Am I a worse person now? No, I was still me. Just because I like other girls doesn’t make me bad, right? But what about Violet? Was I just attracted to her physically, or was there something else? Am I like this because of her? Hmm, no, she wasn’t why I was like this. I was already like this when we met. I just hadn’t realised it at the time. At least as far as I know, people don’t turn gay because someone appears and turns them into that. I mean, I don’t like bell peppers. Would I start liking them if I kept eating them until I met one I did like? No, I would not.

  Regarding my feelings for her… would I want her as more than just a friend? Maybe. That sounded kinda nice.

  Wait, if I truly had deeper feelings than friendship and she accepted them, couldn’t it be said I groomed her all this time?

  Even though I was just being me? I hoped not. I was just being me. That’d be horrible. And we already had a very nice friendship. Would it all crumble down, were I to talk with her about this? Maybe not, but we just wouldn’t be the same. That sounded like hell. Besides, I wasn’t really sure if I romantically liked Violet. And why Violet? There were other girls I had as friends before, and all more approachable than her, let alone all the girls I’d chat in css, so why her?

  The bathroom door opened while I tormented myself with these questions. We looked at each other as Violet came closer to bed before stopping in front of me.

  “Sorry, were you waiting for me?” she asked softly.

  “Yeah, I guess I was,” I said with a soft giggle, realising how that answered many of my questions.