Xam_I_Am

  When Jillian didn’t show up for dinner, June brought some food up to their shared room for her. When she came in, Jillian forced a smile to hide her worry from her sister.

  “Hey Junebug, what’s that?” Jillian said, pushing herself up in bed to greet her sister better. Even if she was still feeling rattled from the call, she wouldn't stress her little sister if she could help it.

  June handed over the pte of food she was holding. It was sagna and steamed veggies which was Jillian’s absolute favorite. She suspected her mom must have made it to try to cheer her up.

  “Thanks, I’m not super hungry right now, but I’ll try to eat some ter,” setting the pte on her nightstand, she gave her little sister a big, long hug. Once their embrace was over and June was gone, so was Jillian’s smile.

  "Tonight is going to be rough." She murmured to herself.

  Jillian spent the night tossing and turning, haunted by the voice from her phone. One she never hoped to hear again. Now he had her new number, and she was sure that if she hadn’t already blocked him and unknown numbers, her phone would be blowing up with threats and demands for her to come back, or worse. She kicked herself for not being brave enough to delete that stupid fucking number. It truly had been a pit she'd been teetering on the edge of for all these months, and she finally fell in by accident after she had already struggled so much to climb out of it. Her only hope was that when he did find her, she would be alone, and no one else would get hurt.

  Jason had devoured the leftover pizza and didn’t stop until the breadsticks were history, too. Not only that, but he washed it all down with two more beers and a few scoops of ice cream. Not surprisingly, shortly after he was done, he felt like complete shit and went to lie down in his room.

  His stomach gurgled and groaned at him. It had been ages since he’d let himself lose control so badly like this. Jason clutched his distended belly, trying to ride out the discomfort. But this physical pain was a mere nuisance compared to the mental and emotional pain he felt thinking about Jillian and the mistakes he made. In a way, the pain of his upset stomach was a welcome distraction. He figured if he could just endure the discomfort a little longer, sleep would eventually take over, and he would be free till morning.

  Eventually would unfortunately never come as he felt a wave of intense nausea suddenly well up within him.

  Jason covered his mouth with a hand, jumped out of bed, and sprinted to the bathroom, scrambling to get the doors open as he did. Quickly dropping to his knees on the floor, he expelled the contents of his stomach into the toilet. The searing burn of stomach acid on his throat while his chest and stomach heaved and contracted painfully was punishment for his gluttony.

  Awoken by the commotion, Katia soon rushed into the bathroom to see what was happening. “Oh no,” she whispered, moving closer, trying to soothe her son by rubbing his back.

  “It’s okay baby, just get it all out,” feeling guilty for not stopping his overeating when she had the chance. It just felt like another way she was failing him. Seemed like that was all she could do tely was fail the ones she cared about.

  Jason spent the next fifteen minutes hugging the toilet as his body continued to convulse and eventually dry heave. When it finally seemed he was truly finished, he rolled away and just sat there on the bathroom floor, leaning back against the sink counter. His chest burned with heavy breaths as if he had just run several miles. The sick feeling persisted, though not as bad. The pain in his stomach had faded, at least. In an attempt to calm his mind and, hopefully, his stomach, he closed his eyes.

  His mom stayed right there with him, trying to comfort him where she could, rubbing his arm and lightly brushing her fingers through his hair.

  He still wore his dad’s old and now torn shirt. He wasn’t ready to part with it just yet. It had been an item of comfort for so long, and taking it off felt like saying goodbye.

  As the nausea finally faded, all the awful thoughts he’d fought off crept back into his mind. Images fshed behind his closed eyelids.

  Jason pulled his knees to his chest, folded his arms across the top, and pressed his forehead to them. “Mom...” he mumbled.

  “Yes, dear?” Katia spoke softly, her hand running up and down his back again.

  “Did I screw everything up? Is it all my fault… am I the problem?” He asked in a shaky tone.

  Katia gave her son a serious look, torn between reassuring him and the truth. “Jason, you know I love you more than anything, right? And I’ll always be there to support you. But that means I may have to give you the hard truth at times.” She scooted over to sit closer to him, giving his arm a comforting hug.

  “I get why you’re upset, but deep down, I think you know Jillian wasn't trying to hurt you. I don’t know the whole story, and I won’t force you to tell me. But I want to know so I can understand and maybe help you, sweetie. I'm sure you aren't completely at fault. But ter on, I think saying sorry might be a good step forward.” She pnted a quick kiss on his arm, then leaned the side of her head against his shoulder.

  Jason didn’t move as he was lost in thought, grappling with how upside down his life had become since coming back home. He took a deep breath, trying to muster the courage he knew he needed.

  Eventually, he opened up about his life, his real life. Not just the cherry-picked moments he would tell her over the phone. It was probably the toughest thing he’d ever done. But the more they talked, and the more he opened up, the more weight he felt lifted off his shoulders till it was like the words just started spilling out of his mouth uncontrolbly. Though he still left his deepest secrets buried for now.

  They spent over an hour sitting there, talking about big things, small things, and everything in between. At one point, he even circled back to the night before, somehow ready to share more.

  “About st night, Mom, before we left the restaurant… you asked me a question I never thought I could answer.” Jason paused, taking another deep breath to steady himself.

  Katia felt her anxiety build. She didn’t want to hear it again. To be reminded of the awful things that had happened to her son. But she knew Jason needed to open up while he was sober. Being drunk and forgetting your progress helped no one.

  “That’s what started the fight with her…with Jillian.” Just saying her name again felt like a step forward for him now.

  “She brought it up?” Katia leaned back to look at her son better, her own thoughts going back to the painful text message Jillian had sent.

  Jason just nodded and sighed deeply. “She asked how I lost my virginity and that she just wanted to help, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even tell you. How could I possibly tell her?” he admitted, taking a shaky breath.

  “I knew that she wouldn’t understand. And I’m scared that you won’t either, mom. I can’t expin why, but…I felt so disgusted, angry, and… scared. I felt so powerless and pathetic.” His hands were balled into trembling fists.

  “It’s alright baby, just breathe. Go slow and speak when you are ready. I will still be here to love you with all my heart Jason.” She felt her eyes brimming with tears just thinking about it.

  After a moment, he gave a small nod, knowing deep down that she was the one person who would get it without question. She was his mom, after all, and she would always be there for him.

  Jason took a deep breath before steeling his nerve to tell his mother what he remembered from that awful night.

  “See ya on Monday, homie,” Marco said with a wave, grinning as he walked out of the bar with a woman a few inches taller than him, a thin frame and obviously fake breasts.

  Jason just shook his head as he turned back to the bar and his half empty gss of beer. Listlessly staring up at the TV behind the bar, watching the soccer game that was pying halfway across the world. He didn’t like the sport, but it was better than nothing.

  After a few more minutes he grew bored and downed the rest of his drink, he was about to get up from his stool when a smooth, feminine voice sidled up next to him.

  “Buy you a drink, stranger?”

  Turning his head only slightly, he saw what many men would consider a very attractive woman. Bck hair, brown eyes, pale milky skin, full lips, and a rack that had to be at least D+ in size.

  “No, thanks,” Jason said coldly.

  His cold shoulder was met with warm giggles as she leaned further against the bar and smiled at him so he could see her just out of the corner of his eye.

  “Come on now handsome, there's no harm in accepting someone’s gracious offer, is there? Billy, get the man another drink, will you?” The bartender looked at the woman for a long moment, then over at Jason. He nodded at the woman before filling another gss and putting it on the counter for Jason.

  “I said, no thanks,” his tone angrier, but was once again met with nothing but humor.

  "Rex, it's Saturday. There's no harm in one more beer. Surely a man of your..." She paused, biting her lip, and eyed his crotch. "Size can handle another."

  Jason felt his teeth clench, and the call for a bigger buzz became increasingly tempting as he dealt with the pushy woman.

  A big group of what looked like frat boys came flooding into the pce shortly after. From the face paint and jerseys, they seemed fresh out of a football game. So, on top of dealing with a woman who didn’t take no for an answer, he had to deal with annoying college-age brats who were sure to partake in the Karaoke machine after a few drinks.

  Eventually, he reluctantly accepted the free beer. But as he was taking a drink, one of the frat boys bumped into his back and made him spsh some on his face. “Hey, watch it kid!” Jason shouted angrily, setting his drink down and turning to gre at the young man, grumbling as he grabbed a bar napkin and wiped his face off.

  “Whoa, sorry dude, chill.” The frat guy said, still ughing a little, holding his hands up defensively for a moment before continuing to follow his friends.

  Jason turned back, even more annoyed than before. “I swear the frat boys in this part of town are dumber and consistently drunker than I ever want to be.”

  “Haha, you’re funny and sexy. Definitely my type,” the dark-haired woman said with a giggle, grinning at him.

  “Oh yeah, well, who the fuck asked what your type is?” Jason said in an even colder tone, having had just about enough of this. He grabbed his beer, but failed to notice the bubbles quickly rising from the bottom of the gss. After several rge gulps, he set it back down with barely a quarter of the liquid remaining.

  The bartender grabbed the gss almost immediately, dumped out the remainder, and gave him a fresh one. “Hey! Did I ask for another fuck face! In fact, cash me out. I am getting the hell out of here. This pce is sketchy as hell.” He fumed, enraged by none of these idiots listening to him.

  By the time Jason got his card back from closing his tab, something felt very off, and when he tried to stand up, the entire world felt off.

  Jason’s st clear memory was walking out the door and the sensation of the world tilting on its axis.

  “Whoa there, friend, looks like you could use a hand.” The same familiar feminine voice said as he felt someone wrap their arm around his waist and his arm around their shoulder to help him walk.

  He was certain he didn’t drink enough to feel this out of it. All he had was a couple of beers. They were even spaced out so he wouldn't get drunk.

  Jason couldn’t comprehend what was going on around him anymore. The entire world became a blur with the sensation that he was moving with a numbness that made his body feel full of static.

  What happened after was a mystery to him. Until he woke up to an unfamiliar ceiling in a small motel room, his head pounding like it was trying to break free of his skull. He took a moment, just lying there, trying to gather himself and breathe.

  It took quite a while for him to regain control, and when he finally felt able to move his head. He looked down and found that he was completely naked, lying on a bed with his lower legs dangling off the edge. Then he saw the condom wrapped around his fccid dick.

  Jason couldn’t even fathom just what had happened at first. His brain was so fried that all he knew was that he had to get out of there. He spent the next half hour coming to his senses and getting his body to listen to him. When his head was finally clear enough to realize just what had happened, he was beyond livid.

  He got dressed in his clothes, which were left strewn on the floor, as quickly as his sluggish body would allow before storming off to the front desk. He wanted a name, a phone number, or anything else that would help him find the person who had done this to him.

  It turned out they had charged everything to his name and credit card and vanished without a trace. He may have let the dy at the front desk feel the brunt of his anger, which was definitely more than she deserved. When he walked out of the motel, he saw the bar he'd been at barely a block away.

  Jason and Jillian weren’t all that different in the way they let anger mask their true feelings. When that anger fades, nothing remains but an unbearable sadness that makes you wish you could tear your heart out. He’d been drugged and raped while unconscious, his virginity ripped from him by force. It was a nightmare turned reality.

  He couldn’t even tell anyone what had happened. There was no way anyone would believe him. This didn’t happen to guys like him. Even if they believed him, he figured they would just mock him or tell him some stupid shit, like he was lucky that he got id. No, he couldn’t tell anyone, couldn’t risk it, couldn't risk the shame, the humiliation. He had to hold on to this pain alone. He swore that he would take it to the grave, and he would never let anyone get close to him like that again.

  For the next couple of days, Jason simply y in bed, trying to push the images of that night out of his head. He would get fshes of horrible memories where he was barely conscious that he would quickly forget, leaving only the pain behind. He almost lost his job over the sudden absences with no excuse. He refused to answer his phone or let anyone into his apartment during that time. He felt more alone in those few days than he even thought possible.

  “I couldn’t just tell her mom. I just couldn’t. What would I even say? That some crazy bitch fucking date raped me? That I was too weak to stop her from having her way with me?…I just… I just feel so pathetic and worthless even talking about it,” he said through gritted teeth. A mild panic at his retelling made his whole body shake slightly.

  Katia’s tears had started falling halfway through his story, only becoming worse as he continued. She had her arms wrapped around him tightly, offering silent support and quiet sobs the entire time he spoke.

  She had been worried she might not take the news properly, hearing it for the second time. But with the extra details, it hit her just as hard, if not harder, than the night before. It felt so much more real now that she knew everything.

  Jason had his arms wrapped around his crying mother, trying to comfort her as well. Though he was the one who had gone through the trauma, it didn’t mean it wasn’t hers as well. He let her cry as much as she needed, simply holding her close as she wept into his chest.

  Katia slowly calmed down and lifted her head to look at him with bloodshot hazel eyes. “I am so sorry, Jason. That never should have happened, and It didn’t deserve to happen to you. No matter how big or strong you are, being taken advantage of doesn’t make you worthless or pathetic.” Katia said with so much emotion in her voice, reaching up and holding Jason’s face in her hands so he couldn't look away from her eyes.

  “I understand why you’ve kept this to yourself, and you didn’t have to share. But I’m so thankful you trusted me with this. Jason… I need you to know that your feelings are more than valid. What you went through was just so wrong on so many levels. You have every right to be upset. And though you may think you are weak for what happened. Talking about it. Being able to move on and be happy. That only shows just how strong you truly are, sweetheart. I love you so much, and I’ve never been more proud of you,” Katia said, trying to smile through her tears.

  Jason looked down at his mom. His jaw clenched tight as his vision blurred with tears that began to spill over his eyelids.

  “M-mom,” was all he managed to say before he hugged her tightly.

  For the first time since his father passed, Jason let himself actually cry, releasing all his built-up emotions and pain that had been mounting since.

  Time flew by. First one day, then another, and just like that, a third was almost over. Ginny and Katia had a small chat over the phone the day after the fight, agreeing it was best for the kids to spend some time apart to cool off. Both moms were relieved to hear they were on the same page, and any fears of the other getting upset were gone. They promised to keep each other posted on any big updates and said their goodbyes for now.

  Jillian tried really hard not to stress about the phone call she had accidentally made. There was nothing she could do about it, so she was desperate to keep it off her mind by keeping herself busy. She spent most of her time with her little sister, getting more involved in her homeschooling. They would sometimes go out for some fun or shopping.

  June helped Jillian keep her mind off the two men who often popped into her thoughts. Though for completely different reasons.

  Jason ended up doing what he said he wanted to, for the most part. Simply staying at home with his mother and trying to rex. It was a nice break, but admittedly, a tad dull. By the third day, cabin fever started hitting hard.

  Eager for a change of scenery, he jumped at the chance to go shopping with his mom. He threw on a simple white tee, a breezy overshirt with some geometric patterns on it, some comfy, well worn jeans, and his old sneakers. He didn't bother to fuss with his hair, leaving it a scraggly bedhead. His outfit screamed, ‘I don’t give a shit about how I look today.’ That, in combination with a beard that was growing out nicely, ended up looking so bad that it became good again in that weird kind of way. Katia’s outfit was much simpler, with a flowing white blouse, a pair of mom jeans, and some fts to go with it.

  They ended up at a department store that was a short trip away. Jason was mostly there just to keep his mom company and stretch his legs outside of his usual runs. He strolled along next to his mom’s cart, mindlessly gncing around and replying to her questions here and there. She’d ask his opinion on this or that or if he thought something would suit her, especially as they browsed through the clothing aisles.

  A shout from a few racks over suddenly grabbed Jason’s attention.

  “Ha, there’s no way I’m putting that on. You gotta be joking!” Jason heard someone excim with a ugh, his attention drawn away from his mom, who was busy looking at bras. He didn’t really want to stick around for that shopping experience anyway.

  “Hey, Mom, I’m gonna go explore for a bit while you pick out your... boob holsters,” he joked, getting a small ugh from her.

  “I’ll find you when I’m finished, you big goof,” Katia returned, her smile bright as she returned to her shopping. Jason smiled back and walked a little away, hearing the voice again, now closer.

  “So, do I look fabulous or what? I’m ready for my turn on the catwalk,” the voice said, full of sass.

  Jason wandered through the racks of clothes until he stumbled upon two redheaded girls pying with oversized hats and coats, pretending to be celebrities or something. He paused a short distance away to watch their antics, feeling mildly amused at the sight.

  June was ughing a bit as she signed to her sister. When she turned to grab another article of clothing, she suddenly caught sight of a looming figure in the background watching them. Her first reaction was panic, but when June focused on the tall figure, she recognized who it was.

  "This thing is ridiculous, haha. Does anyone actually wear this cra-?" Jillian suddenly paused, seeing June staring at something. She turned to follow her sister’s gaze. At first, all she saw was the bottom half of a tall figure in wrinkled clothes, the face obscured by her rge hat. Curious, she looked up, and her eyes went wide when she saw Jason watching them. She was so surprised that she just froze, mouth slightly agape.

  Jason and Jillian found themselves locked in a moment, staring into each other’s eyes, both caught off guard. It took June’s gentle nudge for Jillian to snap back to reality.

  “Huh?” She gnced at her sister. Who gave her a smile and motioned her head towards Jason. “Oh, sorry, June. Yeah, let’s go,” she mumbled, misunderstanding her sister's gesture. Eyes darting toward the man who stood there in silence.

  But that wasn’t why June nudged her. She had other pns. With a shake of her head and a smile, she turned Jillian towards Jason.

  “What are you doing?” she whispered before June shoved her sister forward. “J-June!?” Jillian excimed in surprise as she stumbled towards Jason. Accidentally stepping on the rge faux fur coat she was wearing and falling forward with a small yelp.

  Jason was quick to react, reaching out and catching her in his arms before she hit the ground. "You alright?" He asked instinctively.

  Jillian peered up at Jason with warm cheeks from under the rge hat, her hands on his firm chest, but didn't answer him. Instead, she quickly looked away and over at her sister. With a smile, June gestured as if she was opening a book with her hands, then waved goodbye, heading off to the book section, leaving the two in an unexpected situation, by themselves.

  Jillian was shocked as she watched her sister walk away. Did she really just push her into Jason like that and leave? Especially when Jillian hadn’t said a single kind word about Jason in the st three days. But it seemed June knew something she didn’t.

  “Um...” Jason began, snapping Jillian back to reality, her face flushing even worse. She quickly pushed herself away and craned her head back to look up at him. When their eyes met, he seemed to lose his nerve for a moment.

  “I, uh... like your hat?” he finally said.

  It wasn’t the conversation starter she expected, but at least he was trying to make conversation at all.

  Her thoughts quickly started to race. “Wait, do I want this? Do I want him to talk to me again? Do I want to talk to him? Oh god, say something. You look stupid just standing there!”

  “T-thanks…” Jillian mumbled but quickly shook her head as her senses returned. “Hold on, I’m still mad at you!” she blurted out suddenly.

  “Huh?” Jason questioned, a little blindsided by the comment.

  “Yeah, you jerk. You screamed at me and kicked me out just because I tried to help you! I didn't even mean to rip the shirt either!” she said, picking up their conversation right where they left off.

  He frowned at her, a hint of sadness in his expression. “You’re right, I over-reacted… I’m sorry,” he said softly.

  “And another thing, I don’t care if you... Wait, what?” Jillian was ready to start another argument to keep her emotions at bay, but he didn’t take the bait and even apologized to her.

  “I don’t... but.. wait... Y-you are?” she stammered out, clearly stunned by his response.

  Jason let out a heavy sigh. “I’ve had a lot of time to think. I talked with my mom about what I had been going through... about the way I reacted and why I reacted like I did. Even if I had my own reason, I am sorry that I took it out on you. I should’ve at least expined what I could.” His words were calm and sincere.

  Jillian stared at him in dumbfounded silence. While she’d been stressing over things she couldn’t control, he was growing as a person during the brief absence from her life. A fsh of jealous anger surged through her, but his soft, slightly sad expression washed it away.

  She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then opened them again. Slowly removing the hat, she held it in front of her, fiddling with the edges and biting her lower lip for a moment.

  “Thanks...” Jillian murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. “It, uh, means a lot to me...” she admitted, her cheeks blushing pink while a small smile finally broke through, even though she couldn’t make eye contact anymore.

  “Well, I said what I needed to say. Thanks for stopping and listening to me. I won’t bother you anymore while I'm in town. Sorry for interrupting you and your sister.” Jason said simply, nodding at her then turned away.

  Jillian’s head snapped back as she watched him walk away. Her chest tightened as she watched his broad back moving away from her. Something inside her told her she couldn’t just let it end like this, and It wasn't just lust anymore.

  “Hey, hold on a sec!” She called out, taking several quick steps towards him.

  To her surprise, Jason stopped almost immediately and turned back to face her, making her end up closer to him than she had pnned. She cleared her throat nervously before speaking.

  “Um... well, uh...” she stammered, feeling flustered as her thoughts were thrown into chaos. She was so used to him challenging her on everything, so when he simply did as she asked, she had no idea how to respond.

  ”This feels so weird, what am I even doing!” she frowned slightly at her thoughts. Her heart knew why she didn't want him to vanish from her life. But her brain was still pying catch up.

  Jillian quickly gathered what was left of herself and spoke up. “I am really sorry for ripping that shirt on accident. I feel really bad, so yeah, I'm sorry… There I said what I needed to say.… Do…you want me to leave you alone as well?” Her confidence waned near the end, but she basically took a page out of his book for the apology.

  Jason furrowed his brow at her, uncertain how to respond. After a moment of hesitation, he finally spoke. “Thank you...It was pretty important to me… but I came to terms with it. And....and…well…”

  Jillian felt her heart racing, torn between emotions. What did she want him to say?

  “Do I want him to stay away? Do I want to stay away from him? Or do I want him… to want me…? Oh god… I still want him! I don't want to keep being apart from you, Jason!” Her own thoughts made her heart beat loudly in her chest.

  “I…I would like to see you again if you still want to see me.” Jason said finally, and she could feel her face heat up at his words. Never had such simple words made her feel so warm inside “But…I still don’t think I can answer the question you asked me st time properly.” With that, she frowned slightly. Though she still felt the warmth in her chest.

  But he still wouldn’t expin anything about his first time and why he had exploded on her. The secrecy of it all left her feeling a little uneasy.

  “Could you at least tell me why you can’t?” she asked softly, hoping for at least some crity.

  The women’s clothing section of the store wasn’t exactly the ideal pce for a deep conversation, but they had to make do.

  Jason ran his hand over his four-day scruff, his nails lightly scratching his face. Jillian secretly wanted a turn at running her nails through the thin beard. After a brief pause, he let out a heavy sigh and met Jillian’s gaze again.

  “Because it was a very unpleasant and painful experience for me,” he admitted.

  Her eyes widened at his words, confirming her suspicions. She knew it was more than just a bad y from the way he spoke.

  “I understand. And I won’t pry into it anymore... I appreciate you telling me that much. Umm so… I’ll text you ter?” Her words were a little awkward, but she offered him a gentle smile, reaching a hand out for his to shake like they were making a deal. He hesitated for a moment before returning the handshake.

  “Alright, sounds good,” he said before their hands parted.

  Jillian waved goodbye to Jason, popped her hat back on, and started walking away with a smile.

  “Hey, Jillian?” Jason’s voice caught her attention, and she turned to face him.

  “Yeah?” she asked, feeling her heart start to race, wondering what he might say next.

  “Are you really gonna buy the hat and coat?”

  Jillian froze in pce. She gnced up and down at her oversized fluffy coat and goofy sun hat. Her cheeks flushed bright red from embarrassment as she hastily, removed the hat and coat, tossing them both onto a nearby rack.

  “S-shut up!” she excimed, a mix of embarrassment and annoyance in her tone, shooting him a final gre. But Jason responded with a rare smile as he chuckled softly.

  She turned and stomped away in a huff, though her expression softened into a smile as she sought her sister in the book section.

  Jason watched Jillian until she disappeared behind a shelf. With a deep breath, he gathered himself before returning to his mom, who was still busy picking out some items of clothing.

  Katia smiled brightly when she noticed her son coming back and that he was actually smiling. “Hey, sweetie, find something interesting?”

  He nodded slightly. “Yeah, you could say that... I uh bumped into Jillian.”

  His mom’s expression turned concerned for a moment.

  “And?” she inquired, but Jason just let out a small ugh, thinking about how Jillian was about to walk off in the goofy coat and hat, earning a bright smile from his mother.

  It seemed things between the two former enemies weren’t quite over just yet.