Xam_I_Am

  Last Night

  “Mom! What kind of question is that to ask your son?!” Jason said with slightly flushed cheeks. Katia looked down awkwardly, fiddling with her fingers.

  “Well, you said she's gotten closer to you than any other girl. So, I was just wondering...unless you’ve, you know, been with her already...doesn’t that mean you haven’t been with anyone at all?” She said, trying to expin her logic. He let out a heavy sigh and buried his face in his hands.

  “I get how you arrived at that conclusion. But I meant to say emotionally close.”

  Katia looked suspiciously at Jason. Just from the tone of his voice, she could tell that he was hiding something. “Well, humor your mother, then. Tell me the name of the st girl you slept with.” Her smile was sweet and innocent, contrasting harshly with the question she had just asked.

  Jason was clearly uncomfortable with how this conversation was going. He grabbed his half empty gss of beer and chugged it down in a few gulps.

  “I will drive us home, so you can have a few more if you’d like, hun,” Katia said, thinking the alcohol would help him rex a bit more and open up.

  “I... I never got her name,” he admitted, scanning the room for the waiter, exhaling in mild frustration.

  His mom, ever curious, pressed on. “So, you had sex with a girl without even getting her name?”

  The question made him let out another embarrassed groan. “Mom, please!” he said in a shouted whisper.

  “What? Just because I’m old doesn’t mean I don’t know how things are when you're young,” she retorted with a soft ugh. Jason was mortified, and he couldn’t believe he was having this conversation with his mother.

  “You aren’t old, Mom, but can we please talk about something else?” He still remembered his manners but kept pleading for a subject change. Thankfully, the waiter returned just in time to take their orders, and Jason welcomed the distraction by ordering another beer.

  But Katia didn’t let up with her invasive questions. “So, what’s your type if Jillian’s butt doesn’t do it for you? Ya know, your father loved mine, so I thought you might be like him.” Jason winced physically and mentally, burying his face in his hands again.

  “Mom… please never bring up which part of you was Dad’s favorite ever again. I have enough mental scars already. But I haven’t met anyone that is my type. So I don’t have one.” He seemed to cringe a little when talking about his type.

  Katia couldn’t quite grasp how her son was talking this straight yet had such a guilty look. She wondered if he was used to dodging this particur question. Jason used the small lull in their conversation to finish his test beer with a small burp.

  “I’m gonna use the bathroom before the food gets here. I’ll be right back,” he said, standing up, pausing for a moment as he wobbled.

  Katia shared a smile with her son before he disappeared around a corner. Pulling out her phone, she quickly shot a text to Ginny about the rumor of them kissing in the park being false. Then, a few were sent to Jillian, and the two exchanged messages back and forth. She was just finishing her st text when Jason suddenly came back and startled her.

  “Who are you texting?” he asked, sitting back down across from her.

  “Oh, just chatting with Ginny, telling her how lucky I am,” she said, ughing off her surprise. “I also ordered you another beer.”

  He thanked her and took a long drink from it.

  Jason was grateful as the conversation around his sex life had faded. Instead, they caught up more about work and whether he’d be stepping into the boxing ring again soon. Katia really didn’t like the thought of her son being hit repeatedly, but she could see the fire in his eyes when he talked about boxing—there was no way he was hanging up his gloves anytime soon. Jason knocked back another four beers over dinner and was definitely feeling it by the end of their meal.

  “Jason, honey?” she called to her son, who was busy finishing his test beer.

  “Yes, mother?” He responded, a tipsy smile on his face.

  “You love me, right?” Jason gave her an exaggerated nod.

  “Of course. I love you more than anything, I love you more than… a lot! Like so much,” he decred, a bit too loudly as he ughed.

  Katia giggled softly at his antics. “I love you too, sweetie. You trust me, right?” verbally prodding her son, who at this point had a bit too much to drink. Thanks to his size and tolerance, he wasn’t completely wasted but rather drunk.

  “You’re the only woman I trust. Like I’m sure no one else can be like you and stuff,” he replied, pointing his empty beer bottle at her. He wasn’t making a whole lot of sense as he reached for his mother’s hand, missing on the first try before grabbing it and giving it a squeeze.

  “So, will you tell me how you lost your virginity?” she asked, hoping his current state might lead him to open up more. It made her feel scummy trying to pry information out of him like this, but she reminded herself this was all in his best interest. After all, how could she help if she didn’t know what was going on? She was his mom, and everyone knew that mothers knew what was best for their children, right?

  Jason’s smile disappeared, turning into a deep frown. “Mmmm... I don’t like that question. Ask something else.” he said, waving his hand like he was trying to bat away the question.

  He tried to take another drink of beer, but the bottle was still empty, so he looked around for a waiter, hoping for another.

  “Jason, even if it’s a tough question, I want you to open up to me. Please, I’m your mother. I’m here to help and support you, but I can’t if you won’t let me in,” Katia urged, gripping his hand firmly. At this point, it felt like there was something very wrong, and she needed to know for the sake of her son. Jason scanned the crowd, clearly uncomfortable, like he was on the verge of shutting down.

  “Why don’t we go home? We can talk more in the car,” she suggested, giving his hand a reassuring pat before they got up to leave. It wasn’t really the pce to have such a heart-to-heart, anyway.

  After leaving the restaurant, Jason stumbled his way to the car, with his arm draped over his mother's shoulders. Katia helped him get into the passenger seat before she got behind the wheel. Once they were both buckled up, she started their drive home. As she pulled onto the highway, Katia spoke up again.

  “Sweetie?” She asked, gncing over at him. He had id the seat back completely, looking like he was trying to sleep.

  “Hmmm?” He answered, sounding like he was just barely awake at this point.

  “Are you still a virgin, Jason?” She tried again. His response was rather unexpected and unpleasant.

  “No… but it wasn’t really…. My choice,” he said between yawns.

  “Your choice? Are you saying that the person you slept with the first time wasn’t your first choice?” She asked, confused.

  “Psshht, you can say that,” he almost sounded slightly amused if not for the heavy sigh and scowl that followed. “They fuggin’ stole it.”

  Katia gnced at her son with a look of horror and shock.

  “ Stole it?!” She repeated loudly, desperate to know more, but Jason only groaned softly, like he was on the verge of passing out. Her gaze darted between him and the road rapidly.

  Jason took a long, deep breath and mumbled something unintelligible.

  “J-Jason, who stole it from you? H-how… did they s-steal it? W-what happened to you?!” Katia asked loudly to try to keep him awake.

  “This crazy fuckin’ bitch…I think she put… something in my….” he trailed off, feeling like he was slowly sinking into his seat while his vision spun beneath his eyelids. The motion of the car made him dizzy.

  Katia’s heart started to beat heavily like it was trying to escape her chest, and her breathing quickened.

  “Y-you were drugged?” she asked, voice trembling.

  “Mmm, think so… Woke up with a condom on… in this... strange room.”

  Katia had to cover her mouth with a hand to stop herself from retching in pure disgust at what he was telling her.

  These words were nothing short of a nightmare. She could barely fathom the trauma of waking up in such a situation. His hatred for women was all so clear now. She finally understood. She tried to fight back tears, but her vision was quickly blurring.

  “I am so sorry, baby,” she whimpered, but he had already passed out. She was at least relieved he wasn’t awake to see her this way. She pulled over at an empty gas station to take a moment.

  Even if the child is an adult, how does one deal with knowing their son or daughter was raped for their first time? With Jason peacefully sleeping next to her, Katia let the tears flow freely, feeling like she was going to vomit. Her heart broke for her poor child. The pain near unbearable.

  Present Day

  Katia tried to keep herself busy during the day. She had to distract herself from the events of st night somehow. She had already broken down a couple of times. Her only relief was that Jason seemed to have forgotten about telling her. She really wasn’t ready for this and deeply regretted how much she pressed. But at the same time, now that she knew, she could help him come to terms with his trauma. It was the only light in the vast darkness that she could see in this situation.

  She just needed some time to think of how to best approach the subject, and how she was going to be able to keep her own emotions in check while talking to him. So, she spent her day ticking off errands and grocery shopping – stuff she’d been avoiding for a while. It turned out to be a rather productive day and just the distraction she needed. As she was wrapping things up, strolling through an art supply store, her phone buzzed in her purse.

  When she pulled out her phone, she saw a text from Jillian that made her heart sink. The message was harsh, and every word seemed to be filled with pain. She was momentarily confused till she scrolled up to read their other texts and saw the messages that she forgot she had sent st night. Tears welled up quickly once again. She had been so distracted by trying to figure out how to best help Jason that she forgot all about what she had told Jillian. All she wanted to do was help, but instead, everything was crumbling around her.

  Katia rushed out of the store, her hands trembling as she tried to unlock her car. Once inside, she pulled her knees to her chest and let out a long, painful scream filled with all of her frustration and regret. She couldn’t believe she’d messed things up this badly. Her phone buzzed again, but she was far too scared to look at it this time.

  Katia sat in her car, lost in her own thoughts and misery for what felt like forever when her phone buzzed again. Through her red, swollen eyes, she gnced at her purse, dreading the possibility of another angry message from Jillian. Taking a deep, shaky breath, she reached for her phone and saw she had two missed messages. The first one was from Ginny, telling her what she already knew. The pyful text hopefully meant she was still in the dark. It made Katia feel guilty, but also a bit relieved Jillian hadn’t shared exactly what had happened.

  “Now I’m keeping secrets from my best friend. God, what a mess you’ve become, Katia,” she chided herself, sniffing loudly and wiping her nose with a tissue from her purse.

  Katia moved on to the newest message from Jason. The main person she felt she was failing.

  “Hey mom, just wanted to check to make sure you’re okay. I haven’t seen or heard from you almost all day and it’s getting pretty te. I love you. Be safe.” Jason’s message was full of concern and love. It made her tear up all over again.

  Katia wiped at her eyes constantly to try and see through her tears. With a deep breath, she quickly tapped out a response, “Sorry, sweetie, I got a bit deyed doing some errands. I will be home soon. I love you so, so, so much, Jason, and I want you to know that I will always love you, no matter what.” Her emotions poured out through her fingers and into the message she sent back to her son. She took deep, calming breaths and continued to wipe the tears from her eyes, trying to regain control of herself. Gd she’d skipped the makeup today, knowing just how bad that would have gone.

  Katia’s phone vibrated as Jason’s next text came in. “I know Mom and I’ll always love you too.”

  His words brought a sad smile to her face. She took another moment to compose herself before starting the car and heading home. The drive across town gave her some time to think about what she’d say to Jason. She parked in the garage once home and entered through the connecting door to the kitchen.

  “I’m home...” Her voice trailed off as soon as she stepped into the kitchen, holding her shopping bags.

  Katia quickly saw Jason at the kitchen table, demolishing what appeared to be what was left of two pizzas.

  “Oh, hey sweetie,” she greeted him with the best smile she could manage. She saw the top box was nearly empty, and wondered if the bottom was aswell. Jason swallowed what was in his mouth before speaking.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  And just like that, he was back to stuffing his face. She stared at her son for a few moments as he sat at the table. He looked alright, all things considered.

  “Did you really eat both of those all by yourself, hun?” she asked, putting the groceries on the counter and moving a bit closer.

  Jason gnced up, still chewing, and shrugged. “Yeah, kinda,” he said with his mouth half full.

  Katia stared in disbelief at the pizza boxes with just two slices left. She couldn’t help but wonder how he could eat so much. It was one of the first times she’d really paid attention to his food intake. Frank was always on the move for work and burned through so many calories that she got used to preparing giant meals where there were rarely any leftovers. She wondered if he inherited that trait from his father, or was it just another mistake she made raising him? Her self doubt weighed her down even more as she worried just how badly she had ruined her child.

  “Want a slice?” Jason suddenly asked, snapping her back to reality.

  “Oh, uh, no thanks, I’m fine. Thank you though, sweetheart,” Katia replied, apprehensive about what might happen next.

  Jason was showing no signs of stopping. So Katia walked over and gently rubbed his back. That’s when she felt the familiar fabric of his shirt, sparking a wave of nostalgia.

  “Oh, you’re wearing your dad’s old—” she began, her voice warm with memories. But her expression changed as she noticed the rge rip in the back of the shirt. “Oh dear, did you accidentally rip your shirt, hun?” She said with a concerned tone.

  Jason, seemingly unfazed, continued to devour the st of the pizza, but his pace quickened slightly. After finishing the st slice, he finally responded.

  “She…destroyed it.”

  Katia didn’t even need to ask who she was...

  She gave Jason a look of worry and understanding. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she soothed in a whisper, hugging him from behind, resting her head on his. “I understand why you’re upset...but, it’s just a shirt, hun. I know it was your father’s, but accidents happen. It’s not the shirt that is important, but the memories that go with it. Nothing can take those away.”

  She couldn’t see Jillian purposely tearing up his shirt while he was wearing it. She needed to remind her son of what was truly important, needed to be there for him during these hard times.

  He took a deep breath through his nose and focused back on his food, not saying a word.

  “Hun?... Come on, talk to me. What’s bothering you? I'm your mother. You can tell me anything.” She said, trying to get him to open up, but he cut her off before she could finish.

  “Mom… for the rest of my vacation…” Jason started in a stoic tone. “Please, no more dinner parties, no more friends coming over, no going out with other people. I just want to stay home and spend time with you before I have to leave.” Jason kept his voice stable and calm even if his request made him seem anything but.

  Katia paused, frowning slightly as she held on to him. “Anything you want, sweetheart,” she said before kissing his head softly.

  After dinner, Ginny finally got Calvin down for bed. As far as she could tell, Jillian hadn’t left her room at all. There was no word back from Katia, even though Ginny’s message was marked as read, which worried her a little. It wasn’t like her friend to go silent like this. She made her way upstairs and paused outside her daughter’s door. With a deep breath, she knocked lightly. There was a scramble and a muttered curse from inside.

  “Jillian... Honey, is everything okay?” Ginny asked, opening the door slowly. Jillian hurried to hide something under her pillow. She couldn't help but wonder just what her daughter had been getting into up here after seeing this.

  When Jillian got back home, the first thing she did was flop onto her bed, letting out the storm of anger, sadness, and rage inside her.

  “All I wanted was to help. Why did he have to get so angry at me for a stupid question? He’s the one in the wrong, not me. It’s not like a guy’s virginity means shit anyway, and who gets so upset about some dumb old shirt?”

  She tried to convince herself that he was wrong and that she shouldn’t have to feel bad. Her old tactic to shove the bme on someone else, anyone else but her. But it was no use. Just below the surface was the overwhelming feeling that she’d ruined everything, and she didn't even dare to try and talk to him. The fear of getting screamed at again was too much. When she rolled over, she saw one of her pillows that she had zipped Jason’s tracksuit jacket around. She hadn’t even gotten the chance to fall asleep cuddling with it yet, and now it was tainted by that terrible moment. It made her angry.

  Jillian suddenly got to her knees and started wailing on the pillow like it was the one that had screamed at her, growling and grunting all the while. She didn’t stop her assault on the pillow until she was completely gassed, colpsing forward, gasping for air. That was when she got a nose full of his powerful scent from his jacket. A deep, frustrated groan slipped out of her lips as the familiar rush of desire filled her loins.

  “Damn it, what have you done to me?” Defeated, she y there, eyes shut tight. “I’m sorry…” she whispered, her voice cracking a bit as tears slowly leaked from her shut eyelids. Quickly falling asleep, hugging the jacket wrapped pillow tight against her.

  Jillian woke up feeling just as awful as when she fell asleep. She was sick of waking up by herself. Sick of being taunted by the chance she might wake up next to someone she cared about. Someone who cared about her. Only for it to be ripped away every time.

  She grabbed her phone and, in her groggy anger, started scrolling through her contacts until she saw one that was named, “DO NOT CALL! DELETE ME!” and yet, for some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to delete it. It had synced from her old phone to her new one. To her, it was a st resort, a safety net. If everything else went south, she knew this number was her backup, even though it was more like a pit of spikes than a safety net.

  Jillian frowned as she tapped the contact name. Awful memories flooded back. He didn’t even let her have a phone when they were together. He'd stripped her of everything that she was, everything she might use to be self-reliant. He would assure her with sweet words like, “You don’t need a phone, I will take care of everything, just ask.” and “Why do you need a car when I can have a limo pick you up?” And she was dumb enough to put her faith in him.

  She had ignored all the warning signs... because she had loved him. A love that had long since vanished from the years she lived with him. Though the st few years didn't feel much like living and he was rarely there. The way he abused and maniputed her. The things he forced her to do, the things she did to try and make him happy. Jillian bmed herself for everything that went wrong. She tried to change almost everything about herself just to suit his tastes. Now, she was haunted by those memories, by her awful past.

  When Jason mentioned she had called out for Papi in her sleep, it hit her hard. It made her realize a part of her mind was still stuck in that awful house as his pything. The invisible strings that maniputed her. It felt near impossible to move on from that kind of pain. But she was going to try as hard as she could, damn it.

  Just as she was about to switch back to her home screen, a knock on the door startled her. With that bastard still fresh in her mind, the sudden sound sent a shock of panic through her. Her whole body jolted like an electric current had just shot through her. Like she half-expected him to bust through the door at any moment. Until she heard her mother’s voice.

  “Shit!” Jillian grumbled as she looked down at where she had dropped her phone. She quickly scooped it up and hid it under her pillow like it was contraband for some reason. When her mom stepped into the room Jillian couldn’t help but frown as she looked up at her.

  “What, mom?” she said snapping more than she meant to. But her mom just gave her a gentle smile and came closer.

  “Just wanted to see how my best eldest daughter was doing,” Ginny said, sitting on the edge of the bed and pcing a comforting hand on Jillian’s arm.

  “You know, by that logic, it also makes me the worst eldest daughter. Everything I touch turns to shit. I am just one big fuckup. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it!” Jillian ranted. But Ginny’s smile never faded, reaching up and softly stroking Jillian’s hair, undisturbed by her daughter’s words.

  “You aren’t a fuckup, Jillian. I think you’re doing the best you can. Everyone makes mistakes, and It doesn't mean you are worth any less to me. You know I wouldn’t trade you for the world,” Ginny whispered, letting the swear words slide for now as she pulled her daughter into a tight hug. Jillian instinctively melted into her mom’s chest, wrapping her arms around Ginny's waist. Jillian’s bottom lip quivered yet again, and the tears flowed once more.

  “Why is everything so hard, Mom?” she whimpered, catching her breath between sobs. “I really tried this time. I thought I could make a difference... I thought I could help him... But it all just fell apart right in front of me.” She cried out as she held her mom tighter while Ginny stroked her daughter’s back.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie. Sometimes, no matter how much we want to help, some people just aren’t ready to accept it,” she whispered to her. Even though Jillian hadn’t mentioned him, Ginny was sure this had all been about Jason. The situation felt intensely familiar to her for some reason. Like they had talked like this back when she was still a teenager.

  Jillian sniffled loudly. “But... how do you know when someone is ready?” she asked, looking up at her mother. Ginny sighed softly, shaking her head.

  “That’s the tricky part, hun. You’ll only know when they know... Maybe give it a few days,” she suggested. The two had been spending a lot of time together tely. If they were already getting into these huge arguments, it would probably be best if they both had some space.

  Jillian took a deep breath and was silent for a moment before slowly nodding her head.

  “That… that might be good,” she said, thinking about the time they had spent together tely. So much of it had been wonderful, but it wasn't all good. There had been just as many arguments and fights.

  She wasn't exactly sure if she could stand seeing Jason anytime soon, anyway. “I’ve been neglecting June. Shes probably mad at me as well,” Jillian grumbled, making her mother smile softly.

  “She is not mad at you, hun, but you two spending some extra time together sounds like a nice idea. Maybe in a few days, if everything is calmer, you can...” Ginny paused, gncing over at the pillow dressed in a jacket.

  “Um, is that…Jason’s?” She asked curiously.

  Jillian sniffled a bit more and sat up on her knees, gncing over at Pillow Jason. “Yeah... I took it from him,” she admitted without much hesitation, wiping her eyes. Ginny stared at it for a moment before turning her gaze back to her daughter and clearing her throat.

  “Yeah, I think a few days apart will do you good, sweetheart,” Ginny said nervously, reaching out to caress Jillian’s cheek.

  “Thanks, Mom. Love you,” Jillian said, leaning in to give her mom one more big hug.

  “Love you too, Jillybean.”

  The two held each other for a moment before parting. “There’s some leftover food in the kitchen if you get hungry.” Ginny said with a smile as she stood up from the bed.

  “Yeah, I’ll be down in a little bit,” Jillian said, smiling back as her mom left.

  With the room quiet now, she heard what sounded like faint voices. She tracked the voices over to her pillow, where the sound seemed to come from. As she lifted the pillow, the phone screen lit up automatically, and her eyes widened in terror as she saw the name slowly scrolling across the top: “DO NOT CALL! DELETE ME!” There was an active call that had been running for a few minutes already.

  Her breath caught in her throat as fear gripped her heart. A voice with a heavy Hispanic accent was coming through the phone.

  “Helloooo. I heard your voice Mami, speak to me, Roja. Come back to Papi. Don’t you dare make me come get you, mi amor. I won’t be as gentle if I have to come fetch you…. ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING WH-”

  Jillian quickly reached over and ended the call as he screamed at her. She quickly tucked herself in the corner of her bed against the wall, pulling her knees to her chest. Her whole body shook with fear as she wrapped her arms around herself, eyes shutting tight as the sound of her personal devil still echoed in her ears.

  “Oh god…What have I done?”