Sex positivity was important. But Shilloh didn't think even Agnes would be mad at her for knifing someone who tried to push her into sex work. Shilloh was about ready to pull her knife for a second time when he kept talking.

  " Usually, I would have a watch party at least every few days. For you two, you have to watch three films or television series before we reach the end of the caravan. You must pay total attention, and I get at least two hours per movie to tell you trivia and history. You must, during that time and after, put on a convincing facsimile of caring about the film and what I said. If you like the movies, you will agree to buy every one you enjoyed. And I mean buy them retail, not second hand, so the money goes to the directors. Regardless, you will get two other people to watch the movies within five years and try to make a deal so they will each also have to get two other people to watch."

  "Fuck no!" Birch said. "That's a horrible deal. One movie, one hour of monologuing. We will show other people and encourage the proliferation of viewing, but we will not hunt for promises from other people to start your logarithmic cascade."

  "Three movies and one novella," he fired back." Only thirty minutes of highly valuable and delightful trivia per. And the promise is the point. I need sequels, and this is the best way to pump money in and make it happen."

  "We'll do two movies, but no promises. I have no idea what I would need to do to get someone to swear an oath to me, but I'm not going to have poor innocent Shilloh begging on the street to fulfill her deal."

  The cartographer backed away and watched them fire back and forth. Birch was a monster when it came to negotiation, though Shilloh saw a few points where she was being nicer than she had to be. Still, it was majestic to witness. They ended up with one movie for sure, and at least the first half of two novels. If the first film was good, they would take on two more, and they would finish the book series if they liked his novel suggestions. He got a movie marathon night of his choice, where they had to bring snacks but could ignore the movies so long as they didn't interfere with others' ability to watch. They would try to spread the one to three films and the suggested books to at least two others. They would not force their victims to take up the duty to share it with another two people. But, for that last concession, Birch promised to get a tattooed book reference on her butt if she loved it more than any of her current top three.

  They then went on to have a very lengthy discussion about movies. It was very involved, and both of them ended up offending the other based on their differing opinions about what counted as a cinematic classic.

  Shilloh watched her friend and looked for signs of limping or pain. If something truly bad had happened at the bar, then it would have been apparent already. Right?

  Even knowing everything was fine, she was still worried. The meathead Scotty had tazed had looked strong, and getting kicked could leave severe bruises.

  She winced, remembering what had happened. Pulling a knife in a bar fight was bad. Like, really profoundly bad. That shit got you justifiably dead.

  Try as she might, Shilloh couldn't regret it, though. In principle, of course, it was massively bad. You just didn't do it. But even imagining someone hurting Birch made her blood seethe.

  Further rumination was denied to her when Scotty squawked, "You're trying to seduce who?"

  Shilloh shook her head and tried to piece together whatever she had zoned out and missed.

  "I wasn't paying attention. But please," she said to her friend," tell me you're not trying to bang Agnes."

  "Okay, first, excuse the fuck out of you. Agnes is amazing, and it would be a privilege." The short woman looked down her nose and adjusted the hood of her unicorn onesie. "But, not that it's any of your business, I will not be treading on those sacred grounds. She's not my type."

  "But fucking Jasque, is?" Scotty asked.

  Shilloh's brain broke. It screeched like a vinyl record that someone had dropped molten lead on. Molten lead that smelled like shit and made her want to gag.

  "What?" she whispered.

  Birch held up her hands, "Chill out. I'm not going to seal the deal. I just said I needed to get something that would show him my cleavage. I'm just going to mess with him. Nothing more, nothing less."

  "No, but Birch, have you seen his eyes? He has send-biological-weapons-to-a-sorority-and-write-a-shitty-manifesto-about-it eyes. Right, Scotty?"

  "As someone who is technically his coworker, I have to say that might be an understatement in fact—"

  She didn't let him water down her point with humor, "That man is a horrible, branch-breaking, heartless, manipulative, shitty person. I swear to god I've seen him bully Wade, and he just makes the weirdest vibes whenever I talk about—"

  This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  Things went chaotic from there. Scotty kept trying to make her explain how Wade was bullied, Birch couldn't get a word in, and Shilloh kept batting Scotty's questions aside to tell Birch how bad an idea it was and how tiny his dick probably was.

  Finally, Birch got annoyed and yelled, "I JUST WANT TO PRANK HIM!"

  All three of them stopped. In the silence, they even heard the twinkling grumble of the injured creature in arms.

  "Really?" Shilloh asked.

  "Yes. At first, I just pegged him as insecure. Based on the general greasy charm and shitty books he gave you, I thought he had a thing for you."

  "No. Eww. I think he might actually hate me. In fact, I think he hates—"

  "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible guy. I get it. Honestly, that just makes me want to do it more. If that whole" she waved her hands and grimaced, "persona thing is all just him trying to make and preserve an image, then I really want to see how far I can push him. You said he's like, obsessively dedicated to training, right?"

  "Yeah. Weirdly into it."

  "Perfect. Then let's see how much he loves his carefully cultivated image compared to his training. His image will have to respond to my advances, and waste time pretending to flirt if I don't let him scare me off. Scotty, I know you're coworkers. But how many movies do I need to watch to hear about all his weaknesses? I want to ask him to meet me when he'll hate it most."

  The skinny man adjusted his burden and sighed, "That information is free. I hate that guy. If you had listened instead of interrupting, it would have been obvious."

  "Seriously?" Birch said.

  "Oh, absolutely. And, for the record," he said, glancing at Shilloh," you were right on the money. He has this weird thing, where he tries to eye-fuck you. But like, not cause he likes sex, more like a serial killer undressing a potential stab victim with his eyes because he's looking for the spots that will bleed prettiest."

  "I know, right!"

  "Yeah. He does it all the time. I hate it. But he also has this weird hold over Wade. They've worked together for years, but Wade was emotionally fucked up and baby-bird imprinted on Jasque at a point in his life where all Jasque's toxic bullshit was able to sneak past his defenses."

  "I knew it! I knew that Wade was too nice to say some of the shit he says!"

  "Oh, he's a cinnamon bun of a human being. But you," he turned to Birch," miss Narwhal, need to be careful.

  "Narwhal!" Birch reared back with so much force that she briefly had double chins. She gestured at her onesie. "Who looks at my best ass-kicking onsie and goes to 'narwhall'? This is clearly a unicorn. Don't you see the rainbows?"

  "Unicorns don't have a monopoly on the rainbow. Narwhals can be gay too. But! What I wanted to say is that you need to be careful with Jasque. Sure, we all probably want to put cayenne pepper in his toilet paper, but he's not normal in the head. He's a Slayer."

  Shilloh felt a few puzzle pieces click together in her head.

  "That… huh. That actually makes a lot of sense."

  "What does his being a natural mage have to do with anything?" Birch asked.

  The two of them exchanged looks.

  "I can take it," she offered.

  "Nah, I actually went to wizard school."

  "Really?"

  "Yup, I'm a proper enchanter or whatever."

  She snorted, "Just 'Does paperwork and sets snares my ass.'" Then she brightened, "Wait. That might be perfect. Wade also said you could help me with an equipment thing, too."

  "Maybe. Reagents can be expensive, so no promises."

  "Of course. Do you think you could help me get a latrine gun?"

  "Latrine gun?"

  "Yes. I used to have a toilet gun as part of my 'don't get kidnapped' system. But now I need something to make sure that no one can snatch me while I'm roughing it with the caravan."

  Scotty looked at her for a long time, face inscrutable. Then he turned to Birch. "Can we put a bookmark on the Slayer thing while I address this?"

  The psycho waved in a magnanimous gesture of permission that did not fit with the way her onsie had started to ride up and reveal the leg just above her practical but sassy pair of heels.

  "Thank you. Okay," he turned to the dryad," I've actually thought about this. Like, a lot."

  "Why do you even need one?" Birch asked. "You've got the world's coolest familiar ready to maul anyone who messes with you."

  "Fraulein is an animal friend, not a familiar."

  Even as the words left her mouth, her conversation with Wade came back to her.

  Getting a familiar wasn't something she had ever done or considered doing. Not in either of her lives, but things were getting more and more dangerous. Plus, she had taken a big step further into the world of dryad-dom. Maybe it was time she tried to get a familiar?

  In fact, she had just made a deal with a person who had professional, encyclopedic knowledge of cryptos and would be taking her on a massive interstate tour.

  Some part of her was nervous, though. Getting a familiar was a big deal. The familiar would go through difficult-to-predict changes. And it wasn't something that could be undone.

  There were horror stories. You could end up having to isolate for years waiting for an uncontrollable and dangerous familiar to pass. You could have all the milk in your home magically spoil every night or even have an animal suddenly develop sentience and become your de facto child.

  It should have been terrifying, had been terrifying for her whole life. Still, with that instinct that was more than instinct, she knew this was right for the stage of life she was entering.

  Shilloh felt herself grinning as the professional monster killer carrying an injured crypto began to question her about gun preferences, frangible rounds, concealed carry ability, and her stance on what he called, 'prolific but tastefull use of claymores.'

  The grin grew as she took in the bundle of contradictions that was Scotty, and she smiled at her new friend.

  Hopefully, this was someone willing to find a cool monster and run into its den with her.

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