I explained to everyone that we would need to go in as a small group. As I knew she would, Lady Smythe insisted that she be one of the four. So, the group ended up being Lady Smythe, Damecus, Farrow, and I. They all got themselves prepared and waited by the entrance of the camp while I untied Keith… which I still don’t believe is his real name.

  The entire time that we were walking through the camp he was chattering on about random things and asking questions like “do you not feel weird being surrounded by people who are so much bigger than you?” And pointing out that the humans could easily kill me if they chose to.

  I mean… technically… he isn’t wrong. They could easily kill me if they chose to. I suppose, what I take from that, is that they have chosen not to. Where he sees an ever-present threat… I see people that have taken me is as their own. His point of view is very Bracken really. They generally avoid any possible threat or danger. Constantly looking for potential threats and working out how to avoid them is likely a difficult habit to break.

  As we approached the camp entrance, I saw our would-be political envoy… I have to say… this group does at least show that Lady Smythe is willing to work with other races… even if she is dressed like a complete nutter… seriously… what on earth is she wearing? It looks like a deranged cross between an overly colourful ball gown and battle armour. At least those cigarettes that she keeps smoking keeps the bloody insects away.

  Smutisha: “Ah, darling. You’ve arrived. I am the Lady Smutisha Smythe. Do call me Smutty.”

  She stepped forward and presented her hand to Keith. Keith sniffed her hand and gave her a confused look.

  Smutisha: “Ah, unfamiliar custom. So, you present your hand, and we shake them. Like this…”

  She turned to Damecus to demonstrate. Damecus rolled his eyes, but humoured her. Keith shook her hand before looking her up and down and examining the rest of the group.

  Keith: “Excuse me a moment.”

  Keith walked over to a bush to the side of our meeting point and proceeded to throw up into it.

  Smutisha: “Oh dear. I say… are you alright, darling?”

  Keith: “Apologies, my lady. I do believe that I have a concussion.”

  Smutisha: “Oh, I have no idea what that is, darling. But it sounds unfortunate.”

  Keith: “Simply a side effect of head trauma.”

  He glared and Damecus. Damecus was unfazed and didn’t even bother to meet Keith’s gaze. He simply stood there, trying to remove something from under his nail.

  Damecus: “You should not have resisted.”

  Keith: “You can’t just go around smashing people on the head. You could give them brain damage. I could be dead.”

  Damecus: “You are not.”

  Keith: “But I could be. Then your little alliance attempt would be off to a pretty bad start, wouldn’t it?”

  Smutisha: “Calm down, boys. I do apologise for his rather rough methods, but we are all friends now, aren’t we? So let us try to start anew. I promise Damecus shall be more gentle in the future. Won’t you, darling?”

  Damecus rolled his eyes but still not look at either of them.

  Damecus: “Oh yes… definitely. Next time I need to kidnap somebody I shall make sure to treat them like a delicate flower.”

  Smutisha: “There, see. He can be gentle when he wants to be.”

  Did she seriously not pick up on his sarcasm? Or is she choosing to ignore it?

  Smutisha: “Would a hug make you feel better, darling?”

  Oh, for fuck’s sake… what is it with her and goblins. If she grabs his penis like she did mine, then I’m done… I’m leaving. Keith looked at her with an initial look of confusion… then a rather devious looking smile crossed his face.

  Keith: “From you or the big man?”

  Damecus finally looked at him… with a vague look of irritation.

  Smutisha: “Whichever makes you feel better, darling?”

  Keith turned to Damecus with his arms outstretched.

  Keith: “Bring it in big man… no hard feelings, eh.”

  This guy is such a wind-up merchant. Damecus is going to end up smashing his face in before we even reach the fort. Damecus walked towards Keith. Picked him up in his arms and hugged him… tightly… pretty sure I saw Keith’s eyes pop slightly out of their sockets.

  Smutisha: “Careful now, darling. Remember what we said about being gentle.”

  Damecus loosened his grip on Keith and delicately kissed his forehead.

  Damecus: “Hope your head feels better soon, little flower.”

  I’m not sure what Keith was expecting from trying to wind Damecus up like that… but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t expecting that level of sarcasm.

  Damecus gently placed Keith back on the ground, picked up his club and shield, then started walking in the direction of the fort.

  Keith: “You certainly keep some interesting companions, Smutty.”

  Smutisha: “Don’t I just, darling. I look forward to adding you to the ranks, so to speak. Do tell me your name, good fellow.”

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  Keith: “Name’s Keith.”

  Smutisha: “Just Keith? No second name?”

  Keith: “Yes, just Keith.”

  Smutisha: “Understandable. I know a bloke who just goes by Doncaster. Strange man by all accounts. He’s an earl you know. Not been there in years… Anyway, perhaps further introductions are in order… Farrow.”

  Farrow: “Oui?”

  Smutisha: “This handsome young goblin is Keith.”

  Farrow: “Salut.”

  Keith: “I don’t understand her.”

  Smutisha: “Apologies, darling. She’s new to the area I’m afraid. Keeps slipping back into her native tongue.”

  Farrow: “Sorry… err… Hello… is that correct?”

  Smutisha turned to Farrow and gave her a comforting smile.

  Smutisha: “Yes, darling…”

  She turned back to Keith.

  Smutisha: “Of course, you already know my dashing friends Dwynfel and Damecus. We can get better acquainted on the way.”

  Keith: “We should probably catch up to the big man before the lookouts see him and panic.”

  Smutisha: “Good point, darling. Do lead on.”

  We caught up to Damecus and continued on towards the fort. We got there pretty quickly… considering that we had to stop twice for Keith to vomit. I wasn’t this bad that time that I was knocked unconscious. Then again… I’m pretty sure that I lost consciousness more due to blood loss, my head trauma was more mild.

  The fort is bigger than I was expecting. Definitely a solid defensive point. It is next to the river as well so it has access to a water source. It even has a little dock. Although there are no boats there at the moment. I wonder whether the Bracken have taken their boats out of the water to conceal their presence… or whether they just don’t have any.

  We gave Keith his equipment and weapons back so as to make it clear that he was not being held prisoner… well… not anymore anyway. The Bracken didn’t make themselves known as we approached. The main gate was opened as we got close though. So, they obviously want Keith back, which works in our favour. At least we will get to have some form of conversation with them this way.

  The inside of the fort was not what I had imagined. It almost felt like a mini village. Or at least it would have done if there were people here. There is a kind of large open area with stalls dotted around that must have been used by vendors at some point. There is an abandoned forge in the corner, so they must have done smithing here back in the day. There are some stables at the other side… although there are currently no horses in it.

  The Bracken still haven’t shown themselves. This is weird.

  Dwynfel: “Why haven’t your people shown themselves to us yet? I expected a confrontation upon entry. Some kind of attempt to negotiate your return.”

  Keith: “My people know what they’re doing. I’m showing no signs of distress, so they are making no moves to ensure my safety. Keeping hidden prevents you from knowing their numbers. If we need to fight you or run from you later then you won’t know how many of us you need to defend yourselves from… or chase down.”

  Damecus: “A sound tactic. Though lacking in honour.”

  Keith: “Honour is no use to a corpse.”

  Damecus: “True.”

  Finally, those two are in agreement about something.

  Keith: “We’re being allowed to enter the main hall. You’ll be able to speak to our leader there. Do not show aggression towards him, this negotiation will be over the second that you do.”

  Damecus: “Allowing us to see your leader so easily, why? Between the four of us we could easily kill your leader before you could stop us.”

  Dwynfel: “Damecus! Don’t say that!”

  Damecus: “Why not? It is true. And as a tactical manoeuvre, what they are doing makes no sense. They should send an envoy to speak to us first. Or only allow one member of our party into the room. Or at least remove our weapons.”

  Just because it is true, that doesn’t mean it needs to be said. Fuck’s sake.

  Keith: “We are well aware that you could kill us all with ease. That’s why running would be our chosen course of action. Survival of the group is more important than the survival of our leader. He would gladly distract you so that the rest could escape.”

  Damecus: “I apologise. That does make a sort of… cowardly… dishonourable sense.”

  Keith: “Look, big man. You come from a race of hulking brutes. Fighting unwinnable battles to the bitter end may seem honourable to you, but most battles are unwinnable for us. If we flung ourselves into every battle we came across, we would end up wiped out. Then there would be nobody to look after our children, and they would also die. You see honour in a glorious death; we see honour in survival.”

  I mean… this Keith may be deeply annoying at times… but he does hold his own in an argument. We arrived at the big oak doors that lead to the main hall.

  Keith: “Now please, no more talk of how easy it would be to kill us all. Once we are in here, they’ll be able to hear you and I’d prefer to avoid the blood bath if you please.”

  Smutisha: “Don’t worry, darling. He’ll behave… won’t you Damecus?”

  Once again Damecus rolled his eyes. Keith went to open the doors… but they were heavy and he was clearly struggling… so Damecus pushed them open in one swift gesture.

  Keith: “Show off.”

  Damecus: “Just trying to save my delicate little flower from putting his back out.”

  Smutisha: “See, everybody is firm friends. Now, let’s have a chat to this leader of yours, darling.”

  We entered the large room to see what was quite frankly… significantly fewer goblins than I was expecting. There was an older looking male goblin sat on a makeshift throne. One female goblin sat on a smaller throne next to him. Another female goblin sharpening a spear to their right and two youthful male goblins stood at either side of the room, one holding a spear and the other a scimitar.

  Keith stepped forward and stood in the centre of the room.

  Keith: “Sorry for the inconvenience, Gideon. But these people have a proposal for you.”

  Gideon looked us all up and down and beckoned for us to step forward.

  Gideon: “Keith would not have brought you here if he believed you would stir conflict. So, I will humour this discussion… for now. Tell me, who exactly am I speaking to?”

  Okay… here we go. Moment of truth.