On the plus side, they do seem a lot more civil than I was anticipating. This could actually work.

  Dwynfel: “Thank you for granting us an audience. My name is Dwynfel Vesidia. My companions are the Lady Smutisha Smythe...”

  Smutisha stepped forward and bowed before giving a little wave.

  Smutisha: “Charmed, darling.”

  Dwynfel: “…Damecus of the Sawtooth clan...”

  Damecus simply nodded.

  Dwynfel: “…and Farrow Marcel.”

  Farrow: “Salut.”

  Gideon: “Rather abnormal company you keep, Grim. Care to explain what exactly is the purpose of your visit?”

  Dwynfel: “The human Kingdom of Vardan wishes to propose an alliance with you.”

  Gideon: “We have no intention of allying with anybody who would unite with a Grim nest.”

  Dwynfel: “The humans have not allied with a Grim nest. I have been raised by humans since I was two. I have no affiliation with any nest.”

  Gideon: “And this woman is the one who raised you?”

  Dwynfel: “No. I was raised on a farm just outside Kataravonia. The Lady Smythe is a noble whom I have encountered through my work as an adventurer. It is her family that propose this alliance.”

  Gideon: “Step forward, Lady Smythe.”

  Smutisha stepped forward. Seemingly beaming with happiness.

  Gideon: “If you are the one proposing this alliance, then why bring these creatures instead of a human delegation? Why have a Grim speak for you?”

  Smutisha: “Well, darling. I wanted to show you that we are willing to work with other races and that we are willing to place our trust in them. Dwynfel has proven himself many times to be a valued ally to the humans of Kataravonia, and by extention, Vardan. So, I entrusted this duty to him.”

  Gideon: “Your point is made. However, we, like many, have no affection for the Grim. He may remain with your party but should he so much as touch one of our females then he will be killed and you will no longer be welcome here…”

  Suddenly Keith bounced forwards and began shouting.

  Keith: “Oh, no need to worry about that, Gideon. He’s a massive gay.”

  Oh, for fuck’s sake.

  Gideon: “Excuse me.”

  Keith: “He’s fucking a cat boy n’ everything. Don’t worry about him pouncing on the females.”

  Gideon looked at me with a look of confusion and intrigue.

  Gideon: “Is this true, Grim?”

  Dwynfel: “Well… I wouldn’t exactly phrase it like that…”

  Damecus: “Just answer him.”

  Dwynfel: “Fine… yes… I am in a relationship with a male feline. I am no threat to your females.”

  Gideon looked deeply sceptical.

  Smutisha: “Oh it’s true, darling. I’ve met the lad. Lovely boy, beautiful golden tail, adorable little ears. They’ve even adopted a child… possibly two. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with the jackal child that was there the last time I was at their farm.”

  For the love of the gods… for once… can my personal life not be dragged into the everything.

  Damecus: “His name is Alexi. And yes, they have taken him in.”

  Smutisha: “There… you see, darling. Sleeps with a beautiful boy every night and cares about children. Fine upstanding citizen who poses no threat to females. Your lovely goblin ladies are completely safe from him.”

  Gideon: “Alright, fine. I shall trust him… for now. But I would like to hear from you, Lady Smythe.”

  Smutisha: “Do call me Smutty, darling.”

  Gideon: “As you wish… Smutty. What exactly do we get out of this alliance?”

  Smutisha: “To put it simply… stability.”

  Gideon: “Go on…”

  Smutisha: “Darling, are you not sick of having to constantly evacuate and move somewhere new every time somebody discovers your location? I wish to gift you this fort. To keep, as your home going forward.”

  Gideon looked around at the walls of the room. As if considering what staying here would be like.

  Gideon: “An intriguing offer. Being on the run so frequently is not ideal. However, if we stay too long then we will exhaust the supplies of this area and need to move on eventually.”

  Smutisha: “Not necessarily, darling. You see, what I propose is that I have some of my people move to the area. Set up farms around the fort. The land around here used to be lush farmland before it was abandoned all those years ago. We could make it so again. I have many farming families in the city who are currently jobless due to having to relocate after this place was abandoned. They would love to be able to start up their farms again. It would be fantastic for reducing unemployment. Then you would have replenishing supplies that won’t run out. My people could even teach your people how to farm the land yourselves.”

  The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

  Gideon: “Bracken do not farm. We could have taught ourselves how to do such things years ago if we had wished. We have found books on agriculture before. We choose not to. Farming requires us out in the open. Being out in the open is not wise for us. When we are seen, we are attacked and driven away. We are the way we are for a reason, Smutty.”

  Smutisha gave Gideon a look of utter sympathy. Coming from somebody else I would have suspected them of being sarcastic… or patronising… but I think she does genuinely sympathise with them.

  Smutisha: “I completely understand your position, darling. It is hard to move past the habits that have been engrained for generations. But it would not matter if you were seen, because you would be protected by our alliance. You would be seen to be helping our people. In time people would come to view you as part of our community. There would be no need for hostility.”

  She is actually pretty convincing. She may actually pull this off.

  Gideon: “And what exactly would be required of us. So far you are granting us land, knowledge, and a level of protection. What exactly do you get out of this?”

  Smutisha: “Well, you see, darling. The reason these farmlands were abandoned all those years ago was because the area kept being assaulted by bandits, monsters, etcetera. We don’t have the soldiers to protect this place on a full-time basis and when trouble did strike, it took our knights too long to get here. The place was always trashed by the time we arrived.”

  And now she’s losing him. She effectively just told him that our protection won’t be sufficient.

  Smutisha: “I propose that I dispatch a small delegation of knights to stay at this fortress. They will teach you how to defend this place properly. Train your warriors to be capable of defending the area long enough for our forces to arrive in an emergency. From you, we ask that you protect the farmers to the best of your abilities.”

  Gideon: “We are not fighters, my lady. We lay traps and we leave. That is what we do.”

  Smutisha: “I understand that, darling. But traps are a fabulous delaying tactic against many enemies. Between the traps that your people set and the combat skills that my knights can teach you, I am confident that you would be able to protect these lands with fewer losses than your current lifestyle.”

  Gideon looked to the female sat next to him. She gave him a confident nod… suggesting that she agreed with the proposal.

  Gideon: “This is certainly something that may be worth trying. Having the next generation grow up in one stable location would certainly be of great benefit. But… how do I know that you will maintain this alliance? What is to stop you going back on it?”

  Smutisha: “Well, darling. The way my family normally guarantees alliances is through marriage…”

  Oh, great, here we go. Operation shag a goblin rears its head again.

  Smutisha: “My family recently secured an alliance with the Lupinians by marrying my brother to one of their princesses. Farrow here is one of the first Lupinians to move to one of our fair cities. My brother would have preferred a big burly wolf-man, but alas, that wouldn’t produce an heir. Still, it creates a union between two nations that is difficult to break.

  Gideon: “You do realise that we Bracken value our purity. Any child of a union between our two species would have no right to leadership of our community in any way. You would not be able to take over through this manoeuvre.”

  Smutisha: “Darling, taking your rule is not the aim here. We wish to work with you, not command you.”

  Gideon paused. Again, he looked around the room, before looking at the female again. Then he glanced to the other female who was sharpening her spear.

  Gideon: “Tiffany, go fetch my grandson.”

  Tiffany: “Aye.”

  Female: “Gideon, you cannot seriously be considering giving Joseph up to this deal! He is one of the most intelligent Bracken here. He is due to take over the nest when he’s older. You can’t give him away like this!”

  Gideon: “Oh gods… no. Not Joseph… I should have been clearer. Tiffany, get my other grandson… the perverted one.”

  Well, that’s a great way to introduce him isn’t it. We are obviously getting the cream of the crop here. Gideon turned back to the female at his side.

  Gideon: “Apologies for the confusion, Greta.”

  Greta: “I should hope so.”

  Gideon’s gaze returned to us and I think he realised how that must have sounded because he has a look of mild embarrassment to him.

  Gideon: “I apologise for how that sounded. My other grandson is not… normal… for a Bracken. He has an interest… in human females. He has often sneaked down the river, closer to your city of Kataravonia to watch them bathe. He may not fit in here, but I feel he is well suited to this task.”

  I mean… he’s not wrong. She is desperate to have sex with a goblin… this lad sounds desperate to have sex with a human. Job done really.

  Smutisha: “Darling, you say he is your grandson. May I just check, how old is he?”

  Gideon: “Panic not, he is fully grown. He looks to be about the same age as the Grim that you have there.”

  Smutisha: “Excellent, darling. Then the wedding can go ahead straight away.”

  Suddenly a loud horn went off that echoed throughout the hall. A trio of goblins burst through the door into the hall.

  Goblin 1: “Orcs! Orcs are approaching from the East!”