Oh fuck… my head… my head is going to explode… fucking hell… I want to open my eyes but even just squinting lets too much light in and all I feel is pain… fucking ow. What the fuck is this feeling?

  Kiyui: “Dwyn. Dwyn, my love. It’s time to get up.”

  Dwynfel: “No… no… just leave me here to die.”

  Kiyui: “It’s just a hangover, Dwyn. Have you never had one before?”

  Dwynfel: “I don’t know what a hangover is, but could you just… stop talking… in fact… stop all noise… just… shhh shhh shh….”

  Kiyui started propping me up in the bed.

  Kiyui: “Believe me, I have left you as long as I could, but the carriage arrives in two hours. We need to get that hangover cured and we need to get you dressed.”

  Dwynfel: “I’ll go in my armour… it’ll be fine… I can sleep until it arrives.”

  I tried to lie back down but he propped me up again. He placed what felt like a flask in my hand.

  Kiyui: “Drink this, it’ll help.”

  I downed whatever it was… and gods, it tasted vile.

  Dwynfel: “What the hell was that.”

  Kiyui: “A restorative. Damecus made it. He said it should counter the effects of the alcohol.”

  If this is the after effect of too much alcohol, then how the fuck do people drink so much of it? Fucking hell. How is Agaroth still alive?

  I can’t even remember how I got home. I remember that we were sat at Madame Laurent’s… I remember having a weird conversation about pornography… I remember the smell of hoisin… why do I remember hoisin? Did we order duck or something? Did we have some of those pancakes left over? Why can’t I remember.

  Dwynfel: “When did we get back?”

  Kiyui: “You… three in the morning. Everybody else, two.”

  Dwynfel: “Huh? Why’d they get back sooner?”

  Kiyui: “Apparently, at about midnight, you loudly announced that you had had enough, that you were leaving, that that place was making you too horny and that you were gonna go find your amazing, beautiful, cat boy to… and I quote… make the sexy times…”

  Dwynfel: “I did not say that.”

  Kiyui: “According to Damecus, that is exactly what you said. It’s sweet that you think of me when you get like that, most guys would have just paid for one of the prostitutes.”

  I think I may just have to kill myself. Not only is this pain fucking awful, but it seems like I made a complete twat of myself last night too. Seriously… why do people enjoy getting so drunk?

  Dwynfel: “Hang on… if I loudly announced that I was leaving… and everybody else was still there… how did I get home last?”

  Kiyui: “After you left, they stayed for a bit longer. Damecus decided it was time to go when Thomas and Keith almost passed out. So, him and Nomius carried the two of them back here. When they got here, you were nowhere to be seen. We put the Bracken to bed and were about to come back and look for you when Olly and Dolly showed up at the door carrying you.”

  Urgh… how fucking embarrassing.

  Kiyui: “Apparently, you had been found passed out in an alley. They think you stopped off for a piss and passed out because your pants were down and you were next to a rather questionable puddle. Some old priest found you and popped inside Madame Laurent’s to let them know you were there. So, they brought you home at the end of their shift.”

  Dwynfel: “Oh great… so now they’ve seen my penis as well.”

  Kiyui: “Don’t be silly, Dwyn. They’ve been prostitutes for years. They’ve seen thousands of penises. I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t even register with them. It isn’t like you pissed yourself or anything.”

  I felt him lightly kiss my lips.

  Kiyui: “You’ll be fine. You should start to feel a bit better in a few minutes. I’m going to the kitchen to help your mum sort breakfast.”

  He gave my head a little stroke before leaving. The only reason that I knew he left was because I heard the door close. He is very light on his feet. A bit of time went by and enough pain subsided for me to open my eyes. Right… whatever that potion was, it is starting to kick in now… maybe a warm bath will help me feel better.

  I climbed out of bed and groggily walked out of the bedroom. My mum and Kiyui were both rushing about making toast, fried eggs, bacon, and sausages. Kiyui was wearing nothing but an apron. He probably doesn’t want to get whatever he is wearing later covered in bacon grease… which is fair. Keith is sat at the table eating what I think is a bacon sandwich. He is already wearing his suit… but not the jacket… that is hanging up by the door.

  Indira: “Morning, dear. Would you like anything to eat?”

  Dwynfel: “Not yet thanks… I’m gonna go sit in the bath for a bit… try to clear my head.”

  I walked across the room towards the bathroom. I half heard Kiyui saying something about the boys but I wasn’t really listening… I just want to sit somewhere warm and die.

  The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

  I entered the bathroom and… oh for fuck’s sake. I left the bathroom and went to sit at the kitchen table. I placed my head on the table and closed my eyes again.

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui… why are your prostitute friends in the bath with the boys?”

  Kiyui: “They dropped you off so late last night that I told them that they could stay over. They offered to help get the boys bathed and ready so that I could concentrate on sorting you out. Lucas is in there too… he’s giving Thomas a fresh shave, then he’s going to sort Tadwick’s hair.”

  Keith: “You still feeling rough?”

  Dwynfel: “Very much so.”

  Keith: “I feel ya. Took a good half hour before that potion thing had me feeling reasonable again. I think food helps too.”

  I opened my eyes and tried to sit up a bit more. Kiyui gave me some freshly buttered toast. You know, I think he’s right… even just smelling the food up close is making me feel a bit better.

  Suddenly, Tadwick came bursting out of the bathroom.

  Tadwick: “Dad! Dad! Dad!”

  Urgh… fuck… children and hangovers are not a good combination.

  Dwynfel: “Please, Tadwick. Not so loud.”

  In fairness to him, he did lower his voice. Either Olly or Dolly came rushing out of the bathroom after him. I’m not with it enough to tell them apart right now.

  Tadwick: “Dad, I don’t wanna wear the suit. It isn’t comfy. Can’t I just wear my normal stuff?”

  Dwynfel: “Tadwick… I love you, but I really can’t process this right now… ask Kiyui.”

  Kiyui: “Tadpole, honey. Smutisha is paying your dad a lot of money for all his help getting this wedding set up in the first place… and she wants you to do a very important job, so you need to look as smart as possible.”

  Dolly: “Let’s get back to the bathroom so we can get you clean and you can have your hair done.”

  Oh, that one must be Dolly… his voice sounds strange… very different to Olly. He isn’t difficult to understand or anything… I have more difficulty understanding Agaroth… but… it’s like certain sounds are missing when he speaks… it’s odd.

  Tadwick turned from Dolly, crossed his arms, and pulled a defiant face.

  Tadwick: “It’s just fwowing fwowers at the fwoor. Anybody could do that.”

  Dolly: “I can’t understand you if you turn from me. I need to see your lips.”

  Tadwick turned and repeated what he said… this time using the signs that Nomius uses.

  Kiyui: “Tadpole, Dolly is still learning those signs. You need to go slower.”

  Tadwick: “Sowwy.”

  Dolly: “Don’t apologise, I love that you can do that. It will just take me some time to catch up.”

  Kiyui: “Now get back in that bathroom, young man. She doesn’t want anybody to do this job. She wants you to do it. It is very important. You and Alexi will be the first people to walk down the aisle. You will be the first of the wedding party that people see. You need to look your best.”

  At this point Olly came out of the bathroom carrying Alexi on his left hip. His hair is different… oh wait, yeah, he doesn’t have his earrings in.

  Olly: “What exactly is Alexi wearing? He doesn’t have a suit like Tadwick.”

  Kiyui: “Damn it. I forgot about that… we really should have got something for Alexi from the tailor’s yesterday.”

  Alexi: “If a formal appearance is required, then I could wear my butler uniform. I cleaned it after I arrived. That should suffice.”

  Kiyui: “Yes… good idea. You are so smart, Alexi. Well done.”

  At this point Thomas and Lucas both emerged from the bathroom.

  Thomas: “Excuse me, where did my suit get placed?”

  Kiyui: “I’ll fetch it for you in a minute, probably best you eat before you put it on. Don’t want to risk the groom getting anything on his suit before the big event.”

  Lucas: “Tadwick, my good man, I am ready to style your hair.”

  I finished my toast and turned around and for fuck’s sake… why is it that the only ones in this room, other than myself, who are wearing clothes are my mother and Keith?

  Dwynfel: “Umm… I get that you guys have been bathing… but Lucas… why don’t you have clothes on?”

  Lucas: “Didn’t want to get them wet, my friend. That little blighter is an absolute terror for splashing.”

  Dwynfel: “Urgh… whatever… could everybody just get ready? Please?”

  They all scattered to the bathroom and the bedrooms to get ready, except for Thomas, who sat at the table and was presented with a full fried breakfast, which he was very happy about. Kiyui leaned over to me.

  Kiyui: “You do realise that you’re naked too, right?”

  Dwynfel: “What?”

  Oh, for the love of the gods. I thought I was still in my armour. If I didn’t have this hangover thing, I would have realised that.

  Dwynfel: “Did you undress me?”

  Kiyui: “Of course I did. I wasn’t going to put you to bed in full armour. That would be really uncomfortable.”

  Dwynfel: “I thank you for your care… but now I feel like an idiot.”

  My mum came over and put a fried breakfast in front of me.

  Indira: “Don’t be silly, Dwyn. Your bare arse has been in this kitchen a thousand times. Now eat your breakfast and be quick about it. We’ve got less than two hours before the carriages arrive and the only one of you that is close to being ready is Keith.”

  Dwynfel: “Hang on… what about Damecus?”

  Indira: “He ate at dawn. Nomius is helping him get ready in the barn. He said he can’t stand up properly in here so elected to get changed elsewhere.”

  I bet he just wanted to get ready in peace away from all the loud people. I wish I was in a nice silent place. That being said… gods, I am loving this fry up right now.