The deeper I go, the more frequent the pop-up ads get—most of them pushing "#Protection" products. Whalescalibur is trembling like a jackhammer on my back. Weirdly, I kinda like the massage utility of this sword.
Merry’s taking longer than usual to catch up but I just don’t have the patience to wait anymore.
I notice that Whalescalibur glows in the dark, so I pull her from my back and use her like the flashlight she is.
She immediately screams,
“HEROOO! PLEASE STOP! WE’RE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS! CALADBLOCK IS NEAR AND WE HAVEN’T WATCHED THE 5-HOUR AD COMPILATION TO EVEN REMOTELY HAVE A CHANCE TO BEAT HERRRRR!!!”
I just tsk and mutter,
“Annoying…”
She starts trembling even harder in my grip.
Eventually, we reach a fork in the road. There's a signpost in the middle, but of course—it’s covered up by an ad.
I hate this place so very much...
Then I have an idea.
I point Whalescalibur to the right. She stops trembling. I point her to the left. She loses it again.
Jackpot!!!
I head left with conviction.
The sword is wailing,
“HOOOOW DO YOU KNOWWWWW!? PLEASEEE TURN BACKKK!!!”
I whistle a merry tune while she screams like I’m dragging her to hell—which, honestly, it might be accurate.
Finally, I reach an ornate gate with a riddle inscribed on it:
“I protect you from danger. I am used as shelter. What am I?”
Whalescalibur, desperate:
“It’s impossible! Please, watch the compilation before we continueee!”
I sigh.
“Answer’s ‘Block.’”
The gate creaks open. A thick miasma rolls out and hits me in the face.
It feels amazing confy.
Whalescalibur is now vibrating violently, golden tears dripping from her whale hilt.
I step inside.
The gate slams shut behind me with powerful force.
The room ignites with dark flames of pure malice.
At the center sits a black sword, embedded in stone. The inscription reads:
“Doomed are those that AD's bless.”
Honestly, I agree with that wholeheartedly.
Whalescalibur whispers:
“We’re doomed. We don’t have enough power… please...”
Just then, I hear a mature, seductive voice echo through the chamber:
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“Ara, ara~ Look who’s come for a family visit.”
...I want this sword so badly... damn....
Whalescalibur snaps:
“Caladblock! We’ve come to defeat you once and for all! Corrupted sister—you may have blocked my previous hero, but this time will be different!”
She’s lying through her nonexistent teeth.
Caladblock chuckles.
“You know how it is. Fufufu~ Sealing me was your only option last time. That poor hero Amanonus gave everything to stop me… and you’re far less prepared.”
She releases a wave of miasma straight into my chest.
It’s like cool mint on a summer day.
So refreshing and considerate.
Caladblock pauses.
“No reaction? Strange…”
She forms a massive black orb of pure concentrated miasma and slams it into me.
It feels fantastic!!!
She stammers,
“H-How!? Why!? No hero has ever gone unscathed by that!!!”
The sword shakes in the stone, clearly frightened.
I approach lovingly to my loot.
It shakes harder.
“S-Stay away from me! I’ll block you! I will! BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK!!! Why isn’t it working!?”
I whisper:
“Isn’t it obvious? It’s the power of love.”
Caladblock blinks.
“...Ara?”
“I hate ads more than you Dear. Please... will you be my primary sword?”
She gasps.
“Wait! This is too fast! We just met! There are steps! You shouldn’t cheat on my sister, you scumbag!!!”
“Don’t worry about her. I just met her today. We’re… loot acquaintances.”
I see a little miasma blush on the hilt.
She mumbles,
“You know… I can’t subscribe like other swords… but if you’ll have me… I wouldn’t mind. This is the first time someone’s said they hate ads as much as I do…”
I grasp her hilt.
“KYAAAAA! Please be gentle!”
I yank her free like a true hero should!
Miasma swirls around me as I raise her high. I pose like the Demon King incarnate. My laughter echoes like thunder.
And then—
Whalescalibur awakens from her faint and shrieks:
“NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE I MISSSSEEEEEDDDD!?!?!?”
Name: Hajime
Class: Unsubscribed Hero
Subscription Tier: Free (Cheapo Plan)
Mental State: Slipping
Primary Weapon: Caladblock – The Anti-Ad Blade
??? Whalescalibur
Type: Heroic AD Sword
Skill: “Ad Burst Slash” (Only available after 5 min skippable ad)
Status: Jealous, sobbing, possibly uninstalling itself
??? Caladblock
Type: Anti-Ad Cursed Blade
Skill: “Ad Null Zone” (Passively disables all advertisements within 5m)
Trait: Emits calming miasma.
Mood: Flustered and dangerously dere-dere.
?? [Achievement Unlocked]: “Scammed and Charmed”
Successfully made a sentient sword fall in love with your ad-hating soul.
??? [New Title]: “Adless Apostle”
You now walk a heretical path. The world will try to upsell you harder.