We made good progress and managed to get to our midway camping ground before nightfall. Smutisha was in an incredibly good mood. She was utterly inebriated and passed out before Damecus had even finished making the stew. Some of her knights carried her through to her tent so she could sleep it off.

  While we were all sat around the fire, eating our stew, I actually got a chance to have a proper look at this Thomas. He does seem rather peculiar for a Bracken. I mean… none of the Bracken were what I was expecting them to be. But based on all of the other Bracken that I saw at that fort… he just seems… odd. Probably why they were happy to put him forward for this deal.

  For a start, it appears that he shaves his face. He has the normal long braided hair that they have, but his face is clean shaven… and rather well done as well. Like, I can’t see any stubble at all. He also seems to lack the confident disposition that the other Bracken seemed to possess. Even though it would seem that they are quick to run at the first sign of danger and could even be called cowardly… they have a rather contradictory boundless confidence.

  Keith, for example, even when kidnapped and facing potential death had the confidence to talk to me like I was a complete moron. Even now he seems to be trying his best to irritate Damecus with constant questions about the stew. Thomas is just sat, quietly, sipping at the hot stew… with his eyes bulging out of his head… like he is operating under constant fear that the world is going to implode or something.

  Maybe he is feeling the pressure of being responsible for this alliance now. I mean, this marriage is supposedly what will hold this whole thing together. He has to be feeling the weight of that. Gods… this must be the kind of shit that Phoenix and Rosario feel like. I am beyond glad that entire nations don’t depend on my relationship skills.

  I decided to go and sit by him in an attempt to calm his nerves.

  Dwynfel: “Thomas.”

  He didn’t look at me… he just kept staring forward… gripping his stew as if somebody were likely to snatch it away at any moment.

  Thomas: “Umm… hi.”

  Dwynfel: “Don’t take this the wrong way… but you seem a little nervous.”

  He turned his head towards me. His eyes seemed bigger than ever.

  Thomas: “Oh, do I?

  Dwynfel: “A little bit, yeah. Want to talk about it?”

  Thomas: “How… exactly… does this work?”

  Dwynfel: “What do you mean?”

  Thomas: “I mean… what the fuck happens next?”

  He is whispering, but he is so intense. He looks like his head may explode.

  Thomas: “So… we get married… this alliance thing is secured… then what? Am I locked away in some room somewhere, never to be seen again?”

  Dwynfel: “No, of course not. You’ll be her husband. You’ll escort her to parties, social events, you know, things like that.”

  Thomas: “I have no idea what those things are.”

  Dwynfel: “Ya know… when a group of people get together, eat, drink and talk.”

  Thomas: “Like this?”

  He gestured to Damecus and Keith who were at the stew pot. Damecus was stirring the stew and Keith was sticking his nose in and incessantly suggesting random ingredients. They were both drinking.

  Dwynfel: “Well… kind of… except people generally wear fancy clothes.”

  Thomas: “And the purpose of these parties?”

  Dwynfel: “I have no idea… just something rich people seem to do. Hang on… Keith said that you guys are into reading… don’t they have books about this stuff at the fort?”

  Thomas: “I’ve never really been big on the reading thing. So, I’m just to be trotted out at these parties and serve no other purpose?”

  Dwynfel: “No… that’s not it. Sure, you’ll need to attend the parties… but the rest of your time is your own… to do with as you will.”

  I furrowed his brow and looked at me as though he didn’t truly believe that I had just said.

  Thomas: “I will be free to roam among the humans?”

  Dwynfel: “Yes.”

  Thomas: “As you are?”

  Dwynfel: “Well, it will be different for you. You’ll probably have bodyguards escorting you everywhere. You will be the new Lord Smythe after all.”

  Thomas: “Huh.”

  Thomas looked fractionally less nervous. His eyes no longer looked like they were about to burst from his skull.

  Thomas: “What other duties will this marriage entail?”

  Dwynfel: “I honestly don’t know… I’m not very knowledgeable on how noble marriages work behind the scenes. But you know… you’ll have the standard… well… husbandly duties to attend to.”

  Thomas: “And they are?”

  Dwynfel: “Well… you know… providing your wife… with the relevant materials… to make… an heir.”

  Thomas: “What materials?”

  Dwynfel: “Ya know… the materials that are produced during… certain activities.”

  Fucking hell… I wish Kiyui was here. He’d just lay it all out for him. Probably in a deeply uncomfortable way… with way too much detail… but at least then I wouldn’t have to say it.

  Thomas: “What activities?”

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

  Dwynfel: “Well… umm… ya know… the… the… the… sex.”

  Thomas’ eyes bulged again… his breathing got heavy… fuck… I think he may be hyperventilating… shit… shit… is he ok?

  Dwynfel: “Shit… are you ok?”

  He tried to calm his breathing a bit but was only able to get one or two words out at a time between each breath.

  Thomas: “I’m… fine. It’s just… this is… the… best thing… that has… ever… happened… to me.”

  Dwynfel: “What?”

  He waited until he had his breathing under control before continuing.

  Thomas: “A woman… a human woman… is going to be having sex… with me… on a regular basis. And not just any human woman… a noble human woman. I’ve been sneaking down the river to watch the women swim for years and fuck… human women… they are just so… gorgeous.”

  Dwynfel: “I’m sure Bracken women have their appeal.”

  Thomas: “Not to me they don’t. I know that makes me weird. The other Bracken think me weird. But the Bracken women… they are so short, and hairy, and like… they hardly have tits at all. Human women, gods, human women, have you seen the tits on some of them? You could get lost between those bad boys.”

  Dwynfel: “Whilst I do appreciate the appeal of a pair of breasts…”

  Thomas: “Do you? Keith said you were well gay?”

  Dwynfel: “Yeah… well… Keith says a lot of things. Yes, I do have a boyfriend. But that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate attractive women. I just have to be careful… because… well… ya know… Grimm.”

  Thomas tilted his head to one side and emitted an acknowledging grunt.

  Thomas: “Fair enough. Noble women though. They don’t come to the river as often as the peasant girls, but fuck, did you know the style with nobles at the moment is to shave down there… like… completely… everything gone.”

  Dwynfel: “I am… painfully aware of that, yes.”

  Thomas: “It’s beautiful. One of them was doing it in front of the bush that I was hiding in once… full on legs spread and everything. I could see right into it. Honestly, I nearly died. It was heavenly. It was like… have you ever seen a butterfly pea flower?”

  Dwynfel: “I can’t say that I have.”

  Thomas: “Well it looked like that… only pinker. The delicate labia lightly protruding, the intense burst of pink as it opened slightly due to the way that she was positioned. I have never seen anything more beautiful. I genuinely could have died happy in that moment.”

  I mean… I can’t fault what he was saying. I may have only seen lady Smythe’s whilst I was basically having a panic attack… but I have to admit… the shaved look was quite appealing.

  Thomas: “The Bracken women, they grow their pubic hair so long that they braid it. Not even the slightest trim. Nothing wrong with that of course, it just doesn’t appeal to me, at all. To me shaved vaginas are the epitome of beauty.”

  I’ve never really stopped to think where I stand on the whole pubic hair debate before. Probably because I can’t grow any… and due to Kiyui’s weird fur pattern he doesn’t have any either. So, I guess, since it wasn’t really an option for either of us, I never really thought about it. Would I find Kiyui as attractive if his fur covered everywhere? Probably… but fur is different to full on long hair. If he was all hairy and unkept, would it put me off?

  I mean… Agaroth is as hairy as they come… and I feel absolutely no sexual attraction to him. Then again… I’ve never been attracted to any male other than Kiyui before, so maybe I shouldn’t make comparisons like that.

  Females however, Tilda’s certainly wasn’t shaved… based on the brief glimpse that I had of it at the lake that time. It wasn’t wild and untamed… and it certainly wasn’t braided. It was neat, tidy, and pleasant and my body certainly responded to seeing it. I can imagine that if you intend to lick the area then less hair would be better… I mean… hair in the mouth is always unpleasant.

  Maybe I’m overthinking this… I suppose it isn’t something that I will really know without experiencing… or at least seeing a few more times… but I generally try to avoid such things because they make me nervous. Hell, I’ve only just started touching Kiyui down there… let’s not cast the net of ambition too wide here. I’d probably give myself a heart attack… honestly… my mind is my own worst enemy sometimes.

  Thomas: “That’s why I started shaving my face.”

  Dwynfel: “I’m sorry… what?”

  Thomas: “Because I want to just stick my face right in one. And if the lady is willing to shave down there, then I don’t want to irritate it with a beard. I just want to breathe her in… to taste her… inside and out.”

  Fucking hell… this is getting a bit too intense for me. I need to end this before I end up with an embarrassing trouser situation or something.

  Dwynfel: “Right… well… you seem to be calmer than before, so I’m going to go to bed now.”

  Thomas: “Oh, right, umm… before you go. Just, seriously, tell me… this is actually going to happen, right?”

  Dwynfel: “Yes… trust me… but… for the bedding ceremony… may I suggest you just stick to the basic sex. Wait until you no longer have an audience before you go losing your face in it.”

  Thomas: “Oh… umm… yeah… okay… makes sense.”

  This guy is incredibly odd. He’s excited, nervous, terrified, and incredibly horny all at the same time.

  Dwynfel: “Just… try not to be so nervous. This is real… this is happening. You don’t need to panic that it’s going to randomly stop.”

  Thomas: “Right… thanks. By the way, Smutisha said that I’m staying in your tent. She said that I was to stay with you until the wedding day.”

  Dwynfel: “What? Why?”

  Thomas: “Apparently, it is bad luck for me to see her before the wedding.”

  Dwynfel: “And how far away is the wedding exactly?”

  Thomas: “She says she should have it ready for the day after tomorrow.”

  Oh, fucking great… now I’m going to need to babysit this guy all of tomorrow… fucking excellent. Mind you… at least it’s safe to say that the sexual side of this marriage should go pretty well. He’s obsessed with human women… and she’s desperate to shag a goblin… I mean fuck… first night I met the woman she got naked and grabbed my penis. Probably shouldn’t mention that to him… he may not appreciate being the second goblin that she has attempted to ride. Just… fuck… at least she is paying me well for this shit.